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Many things can influence the academic achievement and emotional growth of a student. In this regard, peers have more of an impact than teachers do. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

Many things can influence the academic achievement and emotional growth of a student. In this regard, peers have more of an impact than teachers do.

To what extend do you agree or disagree?

Many believe that the learning outcome and emotional development are affected students more by their friends than by teachers. Personally, I strongly agree with this statement for the following reasons.

On the one hand, the student's academic performance can be promoted with more motivation when they study under peer pressure. A good learning environment can attract competition from the desire to outperform others. For instance, when students witnessed their peers achieve high scores, that aroused a positive competing spirit in students, making them try their best to surpass and improve their potential. Therefore, peer rivalry pushes students forward in the academic race.

On the other hand, time in school or extra class accounted for most of the student's timetable, which helped them grow their emotions by socializing with peers. To begin with, by contacting many types of friends, students can perceive many aspects of their emotions. For example, different friends have separate life experiences, backgrounds, and personalities, which means they bring a wide of emotions. With this chance, students can find people who have a common mindset or hobby, supporting them in self-expression with empathy and understanding. As a result, students can understand the complexity of emotions and have the confidence to show themselves.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that motivation from competition of peer pressure can improve learning results. A concurrent learning environment helps students have a deep understanding of emotion and make friends easily.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "Many believe" -> "It is widely believed"
    Explanation: "It is widely believed" is a more formal and precise way to introduce a general opinion, enhancing the academic tone of the essay.

  2. "affected students more" -> "affects students more"
    Explanation: Changing "affected" to "affects" corrects the verb tense to match the present context, improving grammatical accuracy.

  3. "Personally, I strongly agree" -> "I strongly concur"
    Explanation: "Concur" is a more formal synonym for "agree," which is more suitable for academic writing.

  4. "the student’s academic performance can be promoted with more motivation" -> "students’ academic performance can be enhanced by increased motivation"
    Explanation: "Enhanced" is a more precise term than "promoted" in this context, and "by increased motivation" clarifies the causal relationship more effectively.

  5. "A good learning environment can attract competition from the desire to outperform others" -> "A conducive learning environment fosters competition among students to outperform one another"
    Explanation: "Conducive" is a more precise adjective for describing an environment conducive to learning, and "fosters" is a more academic verb choice than "attract." Additionally, "among students to outperform one another" is more specific and formal than "from the desire to outperform others."

  6. "when students witnessed their peers achieve high scores" -> "when students observe their peers achieving high scores"
    Explanation: "Observe" is a more formal verb than "witnessed," and "achieving" is grammatically correct in this context, improving the sentence structure.

  7. "that aroused a positive competing spirit" -> "which instills a competitive spirit"
    Explanation: "Instills" is a more precise verb for describing the development of a quality like a competitive spirit, and "competitive" is the correct adjective form.

  8. "time in school or extra class accounted for most of the student’s timetable" -> "time spent in school or extracurricular activities dominates the student’s schedule"
    Explanation: "Dominates" is a more precise and formal term than "accounted for," and "extracurricular activities" is the correct term for activities outside regular school hours.

  9. "which helped them grow their emotions" -> "which facilitates emotional growth"
    Explanation: "Facilitates" is a more formal and precise verb than "helped," and "emotional growth" is a more academically appropriate phrase than "grow their emotions."

  10. "by contacting many types of friends" -> "through interactions with diverse peers"
    Explanation: "Through interactions with diverse peers" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquialism of "contacting many types of friends."

  11. "a wide of emotions" -> "a wide range of emotions"
    Explanation: "A wide range of" is the correct idiomatic expression, enhancing clarity and formality.

  12. "supporting them in self-expression with empathy and understanding" -> "enabling them to express themselves empathetically and with understanding"
    Explanation: "Enabling them to express themselves" is a more formal and precise way to describe the support provided, and "empathetically" is the correct adverb form.

These changes refine the essay’s language to better align with academic standards, enhancing precision, formality, and clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by stating a clear agreement with the idea that peers have a greater impact on academic achievement and emotional growth than teachers. However, it lacks a balanced exploration of both sides of the argument. The first paragraph primarily discusses the positive influence of peers on academic performance, while the second paragraph focuses on emotional growth but does not adequately compare or contrast this with the role of teachers. This results in an incomplete response to the prompt.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay should include a more thorough examination of the role of teachers in both academic and emotional development. Acknowledging the influence of teachers and providing counterarguments would create a more balanced discussion, thereby addressing all parts of the question more comprehensively.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear personal stance in favor of the influence of peers, stating "Personally, I strongly agree with this statement." However, the position could be more consistently reinforced throughout the essay. The conclusion reiterates the agreement but does not summarize or reflect on the points made in the body paragraphs, which weakens the overall clarity of the position.
    • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should ensure that each paragraph explicitly ties back to the main argument. Additionally, the conclusion should summarize the key points discussed in the body paragraphs and restate the position in a way that reflects the arguments made.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about peer influence on academic performance and emotional growth, providing some examples such as peer competition and socialization. However, the ideas are not fully developed or supported with sufficient detail. For instance, while the concept of peer pressure is mentioned, there is little exploration of how this pressure manifests or its potential downsides. Furthermore, the examples provided are somewhat vague and lack depth.
    • How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with more specific examples and explanations. Providing data, studies, or more detailed anecdotes could help substantiate the claims made. Additionally, discussing potential counterarguments or limitations of peer influence would enrich the analysis.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the influence of peers on academic and emotional development. However, there are moments where the connection to the prompt could be clearer, particularly in the second body paragraph, which discusses emotional growth but does not link it back to the comparison with teachers effectively.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance to the topic, the writer should ensure that each point made directly relates back to the prompt. This could be achieved by explicitly comparing the influence of peers and teachers in each paragraph, ensuring that all discussions are framed within the context of the prompt.

In summary, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should aim for a more balanced exploration of both peers and teachers, maintain a consistent position throughout, provide more detailed support for ideas, and ensure that all points are directly relevant to the prompt. Additionally, addressing the word count issue is crucial, as being under the required word count can significantly impact the overall score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument supporting the influence of peers over teachers on students’ academic and emotional development. The introduction effectively outlines the writer’s stance, and the body paragraphs are structured to address both academic performance and emotional growth separately. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses academic motivation through peer pressure, while the second focuses on emotional development through social interactions. This logical separation aids in understanding the argument. However, the transition between the two points could be smoother, as the connection between academic and emotional influences is not explicitly stated.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider adding transitional phrases that link the two body paragraphs. For example, after discussing academic performance, a sentence like "Moreover, the influence of peers extends beyond academics, significantly impacting emotional growth" would create a clearer connection between the two ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction sets the stage, followed by two well-defined body paragraphs, and a concise conclusion. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer topic sentences that explicitly state the main idea of the paragraph, which would guide the reader more effectively.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the topic sentence of the second body paragraph to clearly indicate that it will discuss emotional growth. For example, starting with "In addition to academic performance, peers play a crucial role in shaping students’ emotional development" would provide clarity and focus for the reader.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," to contrast the two main ideas. Additionally, phrases like "For instance" and "As a result" effectively connect examples to the points being made. However, there are instances where the use of cohesive devices could be more varied to avoid repetition and enhance the overall flow.
    • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating synonyms or alternative phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "For instance," you could use "For example" or "Such as" to introduce examples. Additionally, using linking words like "Furthermore" or "In contrast" could help in transitioning between ideas more fluidly.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, meriting a band score of 8. By implementing the suggested improvements, particularly in enhancing transitions and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay could achieve an even higher level of clarity and sophistication.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "academic performance," "motivation," "peer pressure," and "self-expression." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive and lacks variety. For instance, the phrase "students can" appears multiple times, which could be replaced with synonyms or varied expressions to enhance the richness of the language. Additionally, phrases like "good learning environment" and "positive competing spirit" are somewhat generic and could be expressed in a more sophisticated manner.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "students can," alternatives like "learners may" or "pupils have the opportunity to" could be employed. Exploring more advanced vocabulary related to education and emotional growth, such as "academic engagement," "interpersonal relationships," or "emotional intelligence," would also strengthen the essay.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay conveys its main ideas, there are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "affected students more by their friends" is awkwardly constructed and could be better expressed as "are more influenced by their friends than by their teachers." Additionally, the term "a wide of emotions" is incorrect; the correct phrase should be "a wide range of emotions." Such inaccuracies can lead to confusion and detract from the overall clarity of the argument.
    • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and correctness in word choice. Reviewing phrases for grammatical accuracy and ensuring that the intended meaning is conveyed without ambiguity is essential. Utilizing resources like thesauruses or vocabulary-building apps can help in finding more precise terms. Furthermore, practicing paraphrasing sentences can aid in developing a clearer expression of ideas.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "accounted for most of the student’s timetable" (should be "students’ timetable") and "a wide of emotions" (should be "a wide range of emotions"). These errors indicate a need for greater attention to detail in spelling, as they can disrupt the flow of reading and understanding.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement strategies such as proofreading the essay multiple times, using spell-check tools, and reading the essay aloud to catch errors. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can be beneficial. Engaging in regular writing exercises that focus on spelling can also help solidify correct spelling habits.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can elevate their lexical resource score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of complex sentences like “For instance, when students witnessed their peers achieve high scores, that aroused a positive competing spirit in students” showcases the ability to convey detailed ideas effectively. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied, particularly in the use of subordinate clauses and conditional sentences, which would enhance the depth of argumentation.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more conditional sentences (e.g., “If students are motivated by their peers, they are likely to perform better academically”) and use more varied introductory phrases (e.g., “In addition,” “Moreover,” “Conversely,”) to connect ideas. This would not only enhance the flow of the essay but also demonstrate a higher level of grammatical range.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that affect clarity. For instance, the phrase “the learning outcome and emotional development are affected students more by their friends than by teachers” is awkwardly constructed and should be revised for clarity. Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as missing commas that could improve readability, particularly in complex sentences. For example, “To begin with, by contacting many types of friends, students can perceive many aspects of their emotions” could benefit from clearer punctuation to separate ideas more effectively.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on sentence clarity and structure. Revising sentences for proper subject-verb agreement and ensuring that modifiers are correctly placed will help. For punctuation, practicing the use of commas in complex sentences and ensuring that introductory phrases are properly punctuated will improve the overall quality of writing. Additionally, proofreading for common grammatical errors, such as misplaced modifiers or incorrect verb forms, would be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Many believe that the learning outcomes and emotional development are affected more by their friends than by teachers. Personally, I strongly agree with this statement for the following reasons.

On the one hand, students’ academic performance can be enhanced by increased motivation when they study under peer pressure. A good learning environment fosters competition among students to outperform one another. For instance, when students witness their peers achieving high scores, it arouses a positive competitive spirit in them, making them try their best to surpass and improve their potential. Therefore, peer rivalry pushes students forward in the academic race.

On the other hand, time spent in school or extracurricular activities dominates the student’s schedule, which helps them grow emotionally by socializing with peers. To begin with, by interacting with many types of friends, students can perceive various aspects of their emotions. For example, different friends have separate life experiences, backgrounds, and personalities, which means they bring a wide range of emotions. With this opportunity, students can find people who share a common mindset or hobby, supporting them in self-expression with empathy and understanding. As a result, students can understand the complexity of emotions and gain the confidence to express themselves.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that motivation from competition and peer pressure can improve learning outcomes. A conducive learning environment helps students gain a deep understanding of emotions and make friends easily.

Bài viết liên quan

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These days,students attend private “cram schools” for extra coaching to make them study better,so that a lot of parents believe they should just let their…

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