Many things that used to be done in the home by hand are now being done by machines. Does this development bring more advantages or disadvantages?

Many things that used to be done in the home by hand are now being done by machines.
Does this development bring more advantages or disadvantages?

We are on the cusp of electrical appliances revolution. For many people, especially
housewives, the development of household machinery has completely transformed the way they
do house chores. However, there are both pros and cons concerning this. In my opinion, due to a
host of factors, the benefits of machinery outweigh its drawbacks.
It is true that there are a certain number of disadvantages to using electrical appliances.
One of the main negatives of excessive use of machinery is climate change. In other words, most
electrical appliances are powered by electricity, which can release an excess of carbon dioxide as
well as other greenhouse gases into the atmosphere, hence leading to the greenhouse effect.
Another reason that machinery would be disadvantageous is people's over-reliance on
technology. With comfort and convenience at your fingertips, machinery has transformed
humans into lazy bones. These days, people do not need to run errands anymore; they can just
push a button on their devices and have most of their problems solved.
However, as a rebuttal to this point, it might be convincingly argued that electrical
appliances has made our life become so effortlessly. First and foremost, it plays an important
role in time and labor saving. When you do not have to hand-wash dishes or clothes, you have
more time to devote to your career, hobbies, or family. Secondly, it also reduces the burden of
household chores on people, especially housewives. Demanding workloads are becoming more
stressful and harder to cope, hence, being able to do everything mechanically can reduce pressure
and improve one’s mental health regardless of household chores. In addition, gender
discrimination can also be overcome. The duties of women were confined to the domestic space
for centuries and now with the development of machinery, men now are also capable of doing
chores.
In a word, the downsides of doing chores mechanically, from my standpoint, are
outweighed by its upsides. This is a fact when comparing between the pros of better lifestyles,
gender equality and so on, and the cons of climate change and one’s behavior.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "We are on the cusp of electrical appliances revolution." -> "We are on the cusp of an electrical appliances revolution."
   Explanation: Adding "an" before "electrical appliances" corrects the grammatical error and enhances the formal tone of the sentence.

2. "housewives" -> "household managers" or "individuals responsible for household management"
   Explanation: "Housewives" is a term that may be considered outdated and gender-specific. "Household managers" or "individuals responsible for household management" are more inclusive and formal alternatives.

3. "completely transformed" -> "significantly transformed"
   Explanation: "Completely" may imply an absolute change, which is less precise in academic writing. "Significantly" suggests a notable change without implying totality.

4. "a host of factors" -> "a multitude of factors"
   Explanation: "A host of" is somewhat informal and vague; "a multitude of" is more precise and formal.

5. "a certain number of disadvantages" -> "several disadvantages"
   Explanation: "A certain number of" is vague and informal; "several" is more specific and appropriate for academic writing.

6. "powered by electricity" -> "operated by electricity"
   Explanation: "Powered by" is correct but less specific in this context. "Operated by" is more precise in describing the function of electrical appliances.

7. "release an excess of carbon dioxide" -> "emit excessive amounts of carbon dioxide"
   Explanation: "Release an excess of" is less formal and slightly awkward; "emit excessive amounts of" is more precise and formal.

8. "humans into lazy bones" -> "individuals into a sedentary lifestyle"
   Explanation: "Lazy bones" is colloquial and informal; "a sedentary lifestyle" is more formal and accurately describes the impact of technology on behavior.

9. "effortlessly" -> "with ease"
   Explanation: "Effortlessly" is somewhat informal and vague; "with ease" is more precise and formal.

10. "plays an important role in time and labor saving" -> "plays a significant role in time and labor savings"
    Explanation: "Labor saving" should be plural to match "time savings," and "significant" is more formal than "important."

11. "you have more time to devote to your career, hobbies, or family" -> "you have more time to allocate to your career, hobbies, or family"
    Explanation: "Devote" can imply a sense of obligation, whereas "allocate" suggests a more intentional use of time, which is more precise in this context.

12. "Demanding workloads are becoming more stressful" -> "Increasingly demanding workloads are becoming more stressful"
    Explanation: "Demanding" is redundant when used with "stressful." "Increasingly demanding" avoids redundancy and enhances the description.

13. "being able to do everything mechanically" -> "the ability to perform tasks mechanically"
    Explanation: "Being able to do everything mechanically" is informal and imprecise; "the ability to perform tasks mechanically" is more formal and specific.

14. "In a word" -> "In summary"
    Explanation: "In a word" is informal and imprecise; "In summary" is a standard academic transition phrase.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of using machines for household chores, which is a key requirement of the prompt. The author acknowledges the negative impacts, such as climate change and over-reliance on technology, while also presenting the benefits, including time-saving and improved mental health. However, the discussion of disadvantages could be more balanced with the advantages, as the essay spends more time on the benefits.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the author could provide a more detailed examination of the disadvantages, perhaps including specific examples or statistics to illustrate the impact of climate change or the psychological effects of over-reliance on technology. This would create a more balanced view and demonstrate a deeper engagement with all parts of the question.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the advantages of machinery outweigh the disadvantages. This is articulated in the introduction and reiterated in the conclusion. However, the transition between discussing disadvantages and advantages could be smoother, as the rebuttal section feels somewhat abrupt and less integrated into the overall argument.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the author could use transitional phrases to better connect the discussion of disadvantages to the advantages. For example, after outlining the disadvantages, a phrase like "Despite these concerns, it is important to consider the significant benefits that machinery brings" could help maintain a cohesive flow.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas supporting the advantages of machinery, such as time-saving and the reduction of household burdens. These points are extended with explanations about how they contribute to improved mental health and gender equality. However, some ideas, particularly the disadvantages, could benefit from further elaboration. For instance, the point about climate change is mentioned but not deeply explored.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the author should aim to provide more detailed examples or anecdotes that illustrate the advantages and disadvantages. For instance, discussing specific household tasks that have been transformed by technology could provide a clearer picture of the impact of machinery on daily life.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the impact of machines in the home. However, the phrase "humans into lazy bones" could be seen as somewhat informal and detracts from the overall academic tone. Additionally, the mention of gender discrimination, while relevant, could be more explicitly tied back to the main question about advantages and disadvantages.
  • How to improve: To maintain a more formal tone and ensure all points are directly relevant, the author should avoid colloquial expressions and ensure that all arguments are clearly linked back to the central theme of the essay. For example, the discussion of gender equality could be framed in terms of how machinery has changed traditional roles and responsibilities in the household, thus reinforcing the argument about the advantages of technology.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing disadvantages and advantages, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, stating the topic and the writer’s opinion. However, the transition between the disadvantages and advantages could be smoother. For instance, the phrase "However, as a rebuttal to this point" is somewhat abrupt and could benefit from a more seamless transition that connects the two sides of the argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that link ideas more fluidly. For example, instead of "However," you might use "On the other hand," or "Conversely," which would create a clearer contrast between the two perspectives. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a topic sentence that clearly states its main idea can further improve organization.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first body paragraph discusses the disadvantages, while the second addresses the advantages. However, the paragraphs could be more balanced in length and depth. The advantages paragraph, while informative, is slightly longer and more detailed than the disadvantages paragraph, which could lead to an imbalance in the argument.
  • How to improve: To create a more balanced essay, consider expanding on the disadvantages with more examples or explanations. For instance, you could elaborate on how over-reliance on technology affects daily life or provide specific examples of tasks that have become overly simplified. This would not only balance the paragraphs but also strengthen the overall argument.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "however," "first and foremost," and "in addition," which help to connect ideas and guide the reader through the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited. For example, the essay could benefit from more varied connectors to enhance the flow of ideas and avoid repetition.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "furthermore," "moreover," or "consequently" to add depth to the argument. Additionally, employing pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas can improve cohesion. For example, instead of repeating "machinery," you could use "these devices" or "such technology" in subsequent sentences to maintain coherence without redundancy.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, attention to the logical flow, paragraph balance, and variety of cohesive devices will enhance the overall quality and coherence of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "electrical appliances," "household machinery," and "climate change" being effectively utilized. However, the vocabulary tends to be somewhat repetitive, particularly with phrases like "household chores" and "machinery." The use of synonyms or more varied expressions could enhance the richness of the text. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "machinery," alternatives such as "devices," "appliances," or "technology" could be employed.
  • How to improve: To improve lexical variety, the writer should actively seek synonyms and related terms. Keeping a thesaurus handy while writing can help diversify word choice. Additionally, reading a variety of texts can expose the writer to different vocabulary usages, which can then be incorporated into their own writing.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of both precise and imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "humans into lazy bones" is a colloquial expression that may not convey the intended seriousness of the argument regarding over-reliance on technology. Additionally, the phrase "has made our life become so effortlessly" is awkward and imprecise; it would be better articulated as "has made our lives significantly easier."
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on clarity and appropriateness of vocabulary in context. It is advisable to revise sentences for grammatical correctness and to ensure that the vocabulary aligns with the tone of the essay. Practicing paraphrasing can also help in finding more suitable expressions for complex ideas.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of spelling accuracy, with only minor issues present. However, there is an error in the phrase "electrical appliances has made," where "has" should be "have" to agree with the plural subject "appliances." Such grammatical errors can detract from the overall impression of lexical resource.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling and grammatical accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully before submission. Utilizing grammar and spell-check tools can also help identify errors. Additionally, practicing writing more frequently can lead to improved familiarity with correct forms and structures.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid foundation in lexical resource, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and grammatical accuracy. By actively expanding vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and carefully proofreading, the writer can enhance their performance in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases like "One of the main negatives of excessive use of machinery is climate change," which effectively conveys a clear point. Additionally, the writer employs a mix of declarative and interrogative forms, such as "Does this development bring more advantages or disadvantages?" This variety contributes to the overall coherence of the argument. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the sentence "However, there are both pros and cons concerning this" is somewhat repetitive in structure and could be enhanced with more complex constructions.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases, use participial phrases, or embed clauses within sentences. For instance, instead of saying "One of the main negatives of excessive use of machinery is climate change," the writer could say, "While many appreciate the convenience of machinery, one significant drawback is its contribution to climate change." This not only varies the structure but also enhances the sophistication of the argument.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few errors that do not significantly impede understanding. For instance, the phrase "machinery has made our life become so effortlessly" contains a grammatical error; it should be "has made our lives so effortless." Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as the lack of a comma before "especially housewives" in the sentence "it also reduces the burden of household chores on people, especially housewives," which could enhance clarity. The use of commas in complex sentences is sometimes inconsistent, which can lead to minor confusion.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement and pluralization, ensuring that nouns and verbs match in number. Reviewing punctuation rules, particularly for complex sentences and lists, will also be beneficial. For example, practicing the placement of commas in introductory phrases and before conjunctions in compound sentences can help clarify meaning and improve readability. Additionally, proofreading for common grammatical errors can further enhance the overall quality of the writing.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher level.

Bài sửa mẫu

We are on the cusp of an electrical appliances revolution. For many people, especially household managers, the development of household machinery has significantly transformed the way they perform house chores. However, there are both advantages and disadvantages to this trend. In my opinion, due to a multitude of factors, the benefits of machinery outweigh its drawbacks.

It is true that there are several disadvantages to using electrical appliances. One of the main negatives of excessive reliance on machinery is its contribution to climate change. In other words, most electrical appliances are operated by electricity, which can emit excessive amounts of carbon dioxide as well as other greenhouse gases into the atmosphere, thereby exacerbating the greenhouse effect. Another reason that machinery can be disadvantageous is the tendency for people to become overly dependent on technology. With comfort and convenience at your fingertips, machinery has transformed individuals into a sedentary lifestyle. These days, people do not need to run errands anymore; they can simply push a button on their devices and have most of their problems solved with ease.

However, in response to this point, it can be convincingly argued that electrical appliances have made our lives much easier. First and foremost, they play a significant role in time and labor savings. When you do not have to hand-wash dishes or clothes, you have more time to allocate to your career, hobbies, or family. Secondly, they also alleviate the burden of household chores on people, especially housewives. Increasingly demanding workloads are becoming more stressful and harder to manage; thus, the ability to perform tasks mechanically can reduce pressure and improve one’s mental health, regardless of household responsibilities. In addition, gender discrimination can also be addressed. The duties of women have been confined to the domestic sphere for centuries, and now, with the development of machinery, men are also capable of sharing these chores.

In summary, the downsides of performing chores mechanically, from my standpoint, are outweighed by the advantages. This is evident when comparing the benefits of improved lifestyles, gender equality, and so on, against the drawbacks of climate change and behavioral changes.