Mental health in big city

One of the popular problems in the big city is living in a city can increase your risk of mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and stress. There are some reason for this problems. First of all, many big citys typically face more noise, more crime, more slums, and more people jostling on the streets than urban areas. Moreover, the high cost of living also makes people feel stress because they must work or study hardly and they don’t have enough time to relax. The most effective solusion for this problem is people should have a work-life balance. For example, they should spend more time for themselves and reduce stress in work or study.

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Errors and Improvements:

"popular problems" -> "common issues"
Explanation: "Popular" suggests something well-liked or in vogue, which doesn’t fit the context of mental health issues. "Common issues" is a more appropriate and neutral term.
"living in a city can increase your risk of mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and stress" -> "Residing in urban areas can elevate the likelihood of experiencing mental health challenges such as depression, anxiety, and stress"
Explanation: The original sentence is overly simplistic and lacks academic formality. "Residing in urban areas" is a more formal alternative to "living in a city," and "elevate the likelihood of experiencing mental health challenges" provides a more nuanced and academic expression.
"There are some reason for this problems." -> "Several factors contribute to these issues."
Explanation: The phrase "There are some reason for this problems" is vague and lacks specificity. "Several factors contribute to these issues" is a clearer and more precise statement.
"First of all, many big citys typically face more noise, more crime, more slums, and more people jostling on the streets than urban areas." -> "Primarily, major cities often contend with heightened levels of noise pollution, increased crime rates, proliferation of slums, and congestion on their streets compared to urban areas."
Explanation: The original sentence is informal and lacks academic precision. "Primarily" serves as a more formal transition. "Heightened levels of noise pollution" and "increased crime rates" offer more sophisticated descriptions.
"Moreover, the high cost of living also makes people feel stress because they must work or study hardly and they don’t have enough time to relax." -> "Furthermore, the exorbitant cost of living induces stress as individuals are compelled to engage in strenuous work or study routines, leaving little room for relaxation."
Explanation: "Moreover" provides a smoother transition. "Exorbitant cost of living" is a more formal term. "Induces stress" is a more precise way to express causation. "Engage in strenuous work or study routines" replaces the colloquial "work or study hardly" with a more formal and descriptive alternative.
"The most effective solusion for this problem is people should have a work-life balance." -> "The most effective solution to this issue entails maintaining a healthy work-life balance."
Explanation: "Solusion" is a misspelling of "solution." Replacing "people should have" with "entails maintaining" and restructuring the sentence improves clarity and formality.
"For example, they should spend more time for themselves and reduce stress in work or study." -> "For instance, individuals should allocate more time for personal pursuits to alleviate stress associated with work or study."
Explanation: "For example" is replaced with "For instance" for variety. "Allocate more time for personal pursuits" is a more formal and precise expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses the prompt by discussing the impact of living in a big city on mental health, mentioning factors such as noise, crime, and the high cost of living. However, it lacks depth in exploring other aspects of the issue, such as the prevalence of mental health services or societal attitudes towards mental health in urban areas.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should thoroughly analyze all facets of the prompt. This includes discussing the factors contributing to mental health issues in big cities comprehensively and exploring potential solutions beyond just advocating for a work-life balance. Providing specific examples or statistics to support arguments would strengthen the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance on the importance of achieving a work-life balance to alleviate stress associated with living in a big city. However, the position lacks depth and could be more nuanced. Additionally, the introduction of the solution in the concluding paragraph without prior discussion weakens the clarity of the essay’s position.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity and consistency, the essay should articulate the stance more explicitly and integrate it throughout the entire essay. This can be achieved by introducing the proposed solution earlier and providing more thorough explanations and examples to support the position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding the challenges of living in a big city and briefly suggests a solution. However, these ideas lack development and support. There is minimal elaboration on how noise, crime, and the high cost of living specifically contribute to mental health issues, and the proposed solution of achieving a work-life balance is stated without sufficient justification.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should elaborate on each idea presented, providing specific examples or evidence to support claims. Additionally, it should offer a more detailed explanation of how achieving a work-life balance can effectively address mental health concerns in urban environments.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the impact of living in a big city on mental health and proposing a solution. However, there is some lack of focus, particularly in the generalization of "more crime, more slums, and more people jostling on the streets" without further explanation or evidence.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should provide more specific examples or details to support claims and avoid broad statements without elaboration. Additionally, staying closely aligned with the prompt throughout the essay will help ensure relevance and coherence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally clear organization of ideas. It begins with an introduction that outlines the issue of mental health in big cities and provides reasons for it. The body paragraphs discuss reasons such as noise, crime, living conditions, and the high cost of living contributing to stress and mental health issues. The conclusion suggests a solution, emphasizing work-life balance.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. Develop transitions between ideas more effectively to guide the reader through the argument. Consider structuring paragraphs with topic sentences that clearly introduce the main point, followed by supporting details and examples.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to organize different aspects of the problem and solution. However, some paragraphs could be more developed or could benefit from clearer topic sentences to strengthen their effectiveness.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single aspect of the issue or solution. Ensure paragraphs are adequately developed with supporting details and examples. For instance, expand on how noise and crime impact mental health separately rather than together in one paragraph.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs basic cohesive devices such as "first of all," "moreover," and "for example" to connect ideas and support the flow of reasoning. These devices generally contribute to coherence but could be more varied and sophisticated.
- How to improve: Introduce a wider range of cohesive devices such as pronouns (it, they, those), conjunctions (however, consequently), and transitional adverbs (therefore, nonetheless) to enhance coherence. Use these devices more strategically to connect ideas logically throughout the essay.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and maintains coherence and cohesion at a band 6 level, improvements in paragraph structure, logical organization, and the diversity of cohesive devices would strengthen the essay’s clarity and impact. Focus on developing each paragraph with a clear topic and supporting details, and use a broader array of cohesive devices to refine the connections between ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary relevant to the topic of mental health in urban settings. Phrases like "living in a city can increase your risk of mental health issues" and "the high cost of living also makes people feel stress" show an understanding of the topic and appropriate use of vocabulary.
- How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource further, the writer could incorporate more varied and nuanced vocabulary related to mental health issues and solutions. Synonyms or related terms for words like "stress" and "anxiety" could be employed to add depth to the discussion.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay effectively communicates the general ideas, there is room for improvement in precision. For instance, the phrase "more crime, more slums" could be refined to specify the types of crimes or the conditions of the slums, offering a more precise description. Similarly, the phrase "high cost of living" could be substituted with more specific terms like "housing affordability crisis" or "exorbitant living expenses" for clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should strive for specificity in their vocabulary choices. Instead of using broad terms, they could opt for more precise language that accurately conveys the intended meaning. This could involve consulting a thesaurus or conducting further research to find more precise terminology related to urban challenges and mental health.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no significant errors detracting from readability. However, there are a few minor issues, such as "citys" should be "cities" and "solusion" should be "solution".
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer could benefit from proofreading their work carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers could also help in identifying and correcting any spelling errors. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or drills may assist in reinforcing correct spelling habits.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, simple sentences like "One of the popular problems in the big city is living in a city can increase your risk of mental health issues" are combined with compound sentences such as "Moreover, the high cost of living also makes people feel stress because they must work or study hardly and they don’t have enough time to relax." Complex sentences are present as well, like "The most effective solution for this problem is people should have a work-life balance." However, there is some repetition in structure, and a greater diversity of sentence types could enhance the essay’s sophistication and coherence.
- How to improve: To further enhance the essay’s effectiveness, consider incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures. Experiment with using complex sentences with embedded clauses, varied sentence lengths for rhythm and emphasis, and rhetorical devices like parallelism to add nuance and depth to your writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a good level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are several instances where minor errors detract from the clarity of expression. For example, "many big citys" should be corrected to "many big cities," and "hardly" should be replaced with "hard" or "intensely." Additionally, the punctuation could be refined for smoother readability. For instance, a comma after "Moreover" would enhance the flow of the sentence. Nonetheless, the errors are relatively minor and do not significantly impede comprehension.
- How to improve: To refine your grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, consider reviewing common grammatical structures and punctuation rules. Practice identifying and correcting errors in your writing, focusing on areas of weakness. Additionally, reading extensively can help internalize correct usage patterns and improve overall writing proficiency. Specifically, pay attention to the punctuation patterns and sentence structures used in published works, noting how they contribute to clarity and coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

Living in a big city can significantly increase the likelihood of experiencing mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and stress. Several factors contribute to these issues. Firstly, major cities often contend with heightened levels of noise pollution, increased crime rates, proliferation of slums, and congestion on their streets compared to urban areas. Furthermore, the exorbitant cost of living induces stress as individuals are compelled to engage in strenuous work or study routines, leaving little room for relaxation.

The most effective solution to this issue entails maintaining a healthy work-life balance. For instance, individuals should allocate more time for personal pursuits to alleviate stress associated with work or study.