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Modern technology has greatly influenced people’s ways of entertainment, making people less creative. Do you agree or disagree? Write an essay of about 250 – 300 words to express your ideas.

Modern technology has greatly influenced people’s ways of entertainment, making people less creative. Do you agree or disagree? Write an essay of about 250 – 300 words to express your ideas.

Some individuals claim that current technological advancements have achieved widespread popularity, it affects significantly human entertainment which can lead to a sedentary lifestyle. I partly agree with this suggestion based on some major reasons that are explained in this essay.
To begin with, there are some major reasons that explain why people express concern about modern technology. Citizens argue that the excessive reliance on technical systems might reduce face-to-face interactions and impact social skills. Take, for example, people who immerse themselves in the virtual world, they may find it challenging to connect with others in real life, resulting in a sedentary lifestyle, and decreasing physical activity. Moreover, the increasing entertainment by technical tools makes it possible for individuals who spend most of their time on screens, consequently, they can get mental health problems such as anxiety, depression, and sleep disorders. Finally, their eye health could suffer from prolonged screen exposure, affecting overall well-being and reducing the time available for creative pursuits.
On the other hand, technological advancements offer considerable benefits, particularly for Education, Health, and Fitness. Obviously, accessing a wide range of educational and inspirational content can enhance mental well-being by providing opportunities for learning; brainstorming, and ideas refinement. In addition, technology provides various apps and devices that encourage physical activities and exercises, which help people maintain a healthy lifestyle.
In conclusion, while there are many benefits associated with modern technology, their potential negative aspects need to be considered. I believe that It will promote a sedentary lifestyle if people become too dependent on it.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "Some individuals claim that current technological advancements have achieved widespread popularity, it affects significantly human entertainment which can lead to a sedentary lifestyle." -> "Some individuals argue that current technological advancements have gained widespread popularity, significantly impacting human entertainment, which can lead to a sedentary lifestyle."
    Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and awkwardly phrased. The revised version corrects the grammatical structure and clarifies the meaning, making it more formal and precise.

  2. "I partly agree with this suggestion" -> "I partially concur with this assertion"
    Explanation: "Concur" is a more formal synonym for "agree," and "assertion" is a more precise term than "suggestion" in an academic context.

  3. "some major reasons that are explained in this essay" -> "several key reasons that will be discussed in this essay"
    Explanation: "Several key reasons" is more specific and formal than "some major reasons," and "will be discussed" is more appropriate for academic writing than "are explained."

  4. "Citizens argue that the excessive reliance on technical systems might reduce face-to-face interactions and impact social skills." -> "Citizens contend that excessive reliance on technical systems may diminish face-to-face interactions and impair social skills."
    Explanation: "Contend" is a more formal verb than "argue," and "diminish" and "impair" are more precise terms than "reduce" and "impact" in this context.

  5. "people who immerse themselves in the virtual world, they may find it challenging" -> "individuals who immerse themselves in the virtual world may find it challenging"
    Explanation: Removing the repeated pronoun "they" improves the sentence’s clarity and formality.

  6. "the increasing entertainment by technical tools" -> "the increasing entertainment provided by technical tools"
    Explanation: "Provided" is the correct verb to use in this context, indicating the source of the entertainment.

  7. "they can get mental health problems" -> "they may develop mental health issues"
    Explanation: "Develop" is a more precise term than "get" in this context, and "issues" is a more formal term than "problems."

  8. "their eye health could suffer from prolonged screen exposure" -> "their eye health may be compromised by prolonged screen exposure"
    Explanation: "May be compromised" is a more formal and precise way to express potential harm, and "compromised" is a more specific term than "suffer."

  9. "reducing the time available for creative pursuits" -> "reducing the time available for creative activities"
    Explanation: "Activities" is a broader and more formal term than "pursuits," which can be seen as slightly informal.

  10. "On the other hand, technological advancements offer considerable benefits, particularly for Education, Health, and Fitness." -> "On the other hand, technological advancements offer significant benefits, particularly in Education, Health, and Fitness."
    Explanation: "Significant" is more formal than "considerable," and "in" is more appropriate than "for" when referring to fields of application.

  11. "brainstorming, and ideas refinement" -> "brainstorming and refining ideas"
    Explanation: "Refining ideas" is a more natural and formal way to express the process of improving ideas.

  12. "technology provides various apps and devices that encourage physical activities and exercises" -> "technology offers various apps and devices that promote physical activities and exercises"
    Explanation: "Offers" is more formal than "provides," and "promote" is a more precise verb than "encourage" in this context.

  13. "I believe that It will promote a sedentary lifestyle if people become too dependent on it." -> "I believe that excessive dependence on it may lead to a sedentary lifestyle."
    Explanation: "Excessive dependence" is a more precise phrase than "too dependent," and "may lead to" is a more cautious and formal expression than "will promote."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the negative and positive impacts of modern technology on entertainment and creativity. The author expresses a partial agreement with the idea that technology can lead to a sedentary lifestyle and reduced creativity. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the specific aspects of entertainment that are affected, as well as a clearer connection to creativity. For example, while the essay mentions social skills and mental health, it does not directly link these points to the concept of creativity.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state how technology affects creativity in entertainment. This could involve discussing specific examples of creative activities that are diminished due to technology, such as traditional arts or imaginative play, and contrasting them with new forms of creativity that technology may foster.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position of partial agreement, but this stance could be more consistently reinforced throughout the text. The initial statement indicates agreement with the negative impact of technology, yet the latter part of the essay introduces positive aspects without adequately balancing them against the negative ones. This could lead to confusion about the author’s overall position.
    • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently refer back to their stance throughout the essay. This could be achieved by using transitional phrases that remind the reader of the initial agreement or disagreement, and by summarizing how each point contributes to the overall argument.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the impact of technology on entertainment and creativity. However, some points lack sufficient elaboration or specific examples. For instance, while the essay mentions mental health issues, it does not delve into how these issues specifically relate to a decrease in creativity. The discussion of educational benefits is also somewhat vague and could be better supported with concrete examples.
    • How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point made. For instance, when discussing the benefits of technology in education, the writer could mention specific platforms or tools that enhance creativity, such as online courses in creative writing or digital art.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the influence of technology on entertainment and creativity. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, particularly when discussing health issues that, while relevant, may detract from the primary focus on creativity. The mention of physical activity, while important, could be more tightly integrated into the discussion of creativity.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the central theme of technology’s impact on creativity in entertainment. This could involve rephrasing or omitting any tangential points that do not directly support the main argument.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, but it would benefit from clearer connections between ideas, more detailed examples, and a stronger emphasis on the relationship between technology, entertainment, and creativity.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both sides of the argument, and a conclusion. However, the organization of ideas within the paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the first body paragraph begins with a general statement about concerns regarding technology but then shifts abruptly to specific examples without a smooth transition. The mention of mental health issues and eye health feels somewhat disconnected from the initial point about social skills.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using topic sentences that clearly outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, ensure that each example directly supports the point being made. For instance, after discussing social skills, a clearer transition could lead into the mental health issues, perhaps by linking how reduced social interaction can lead to anxiety and depression.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer separation of ideas. The discussion of educational benefits and physical activity is somewhat jumbled, making it difficult to discern the main point of that paragraph.
    • How to improve: Consider dedicating separate paragraphs to distinct themes. For example, one paragraph could focus solely on the educational benefits of technology, while another could discuss its role in promoting physical activity. This would allow for a more focused discussion and help the reader follow the argument more easily.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "To begin with," "Moreover," and "On the other hand," which help in linking ideas. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, the phrase "Take, for example," introduces an example but does not clearly connect it back to the previous point about social skills.
    • How to improve: To diversify and enhance the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "Furthermore" to add information, "In contrast" to highlight opposing views, or "As a result" to show cause and effect. Additionally, ensure that each example is explicitly tied back to the main argument to reinforce the connections between ideas.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately leading to a stronger overall argument and a potentially higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "technological advancements," "sedentary lifestyle," and "mental health problems." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "modern technology" and "technical systems," which could be varied to enhance the richness of the language. For example, instead of repeating "technical systems," alternatives such as "digital platforms" or "technological tools" could be employed.
    • How to improve: To improve lexical variety, the writer should actively seek synonyms and related terms. Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary lists related to technology and entertainment could help. Additionally, incorporating idiomatic expressions or collocations relevant to the topic could enrich the essay’s language.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "achieved widespread popularity" in the opening sentence, which does not clearly convey the intended meaning. The phrase suggests that technology is popular rather than indicating its impact on entertainment. Furthermore, "the increasing entertainment by technical tools" is awkward and unclear; it could be better expressed as "the increasing reliance on technological tools for entertainment."
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on clarity and appropriateness of word choices. This can be achieved by revising sentences to ensure that the vocabulary accurately reflects the intended meaning. For example, instead of "impact social skills," a more precise phrase could be "diminish social skills." Practicing paraphrasing and summarizing texts can also help in developing a more precise vocabulary.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "It" in the conclusion, which should be lowercase ("it") as it follows a comma. Additionally, "technical systems" and "mental health problems" are spelled correctly, but the overall spelling accuracy could be improved to avoid any potential errors that detract from the overall quality of the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can be beneficial for long-term improvement.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases such as "Citizens argue that the excessive reliance on technical systems might reduce face-to-face interactions and impact social skills." However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the sentence "Take, for example, people who immerse themselves in the virtual world, they may find it challenging to connect with others in real life," could be improved by using a different structure, such as a conditional or a more complex introductory clause.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more compound-complex sentences and use different introductory phrases. For example, instead of starting sentences with "Moreover" or "On the other hand," the writer could use phrases like "In contrast," or "Additionally," to create more dynamic transitions. Practicing the use of relative clauses and participial phrases could also add complexity and interest to the writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that affect clarity. For example, the phrase "current technological advancements have achieved widespread popularity, it affects significantly human entertainment" contains a comma splice, which should be corrected to either a period or a semicolon. Additionally, the phrase "I believe that It will promote a sedentary lifestyle" incorrectly capitalizes "It." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the essay.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on avoiding comma splices by using appropriate conjunctions or punctuation to separate independent clauses. Regular practice with punctuation rules, particularly regarding commas and periods, would be beneficial. Furthermore, proofreading for capitalization errors and ensuring that proper nouns are the only instances of capital letters at the beginning of sentences will enhance the overall quality of the writing. Engaging in grammar exercises that focus on common pitfalls, such as subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles, could also be advantageous.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals claim that current technological advancements have achieved widespread popularity; they significantly affect human entertainment, which can lead to a sedentary lifestyle. I partly agree with this assertion based on several key reasons that will be discussed in this essay.

To begin with, there are major reasons that explain why people express concern about modern technology. Citizens argue that excessive reliance on technical systems might reduce face-to-face interactions and impair social skills. Take, for example, people who immerse themselves in the virtual world; they may find it challenging to connect with others in real life, resulting in a sedentary lifestyle and decreasing physical activity. Moreover, the increasing entertainment provided by technical tools makes it possible for individuals to spend most of their time on screens; consequently, they may develop mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and sleep disorders. Finally, their eye health could suffer from prolonged screen exposure, affecting overall well-being and reducing the time available for creative activities.

On the other hand, technological advancements offer considerable benefits, particularly in Education, Health, and Fitness. Obviously, accessing a wide range of educational and inspirational content can enhance mental well-being by providing opportunities for learning, brainstorming, and refining ideas. In addition, technology offers various apps and devices that promote physical activities and exercises, which help people maintain a healthy lifestyle.

In conclusion, while there are many benefits associated with modern technology, its potential negative aspects need to be considered. I believe that excessive dependence on it may lead to a sedentary lifestyle.

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