“Modern technology has increased our material wealth, but not our happiness.” In about 350 words, write an essay to express your opinion on the issue. Use reasons and examples to support your position.

“Modern technology has increased our material wealth, but not our happiness.”
In about 350 words, write an essay to express your opinion on the issue. Use reasons and examples to support your position.

The fact that the growth of technology offers a number of benefis, especially materials to be wealthy, some claim that it decreases our happiness. Personally, I argue that technological growth assists us to develop in terms of economy as well as mental health.
Firstly, in the field of economic, the modernization of digital devices make the way of trading more popular. Besides face-to-face trading, sellers now can sell their products on online platforms so that they can increase their goods. Another advantage is that the fame and name of brands can be extended due to marketing. Companies may offer numerous advertisements to introduce their products on popular social media platforms such as Youtube or Facebook. Consequently, by the breadth of advertisements, companies may stand a great chance to boost their development.
Secondly, in terms of happiness, the development of technology can supply happines due to its ability to bring ppeople together. For example, Internet offers distance relatives chances to call and talk with each other. Moreover, It supports single adults to seek love through dating apps as well as the elderly to entertain themselves by hilarious videos.
In short, all of above show that the enhancement of technology can increased our material wealth and provide the happiness.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "benefis" -> "benefits"
   Explanation: Correcting the spelling error from "benefis" to "benefits" ensures the accuracy and professionalism of the text.

2. "to be wealthy" -> "to increase wealth"
   Explanation: The phrase "to be wealthy" is somewhat vague and informal. "To increase wealth" is more precise and appropriate for an academic context, indicating a direct impact on financial status.

3. "some claim that it decreases our happiness" -> "some argue that it diminishes our happiness"
   Explanation: Replacing "claim" with "argue" aligns better with the formal tone of academic writing, and "diminishes" is a more precise verb than "decreases" in this context, suggesting a reduction in happiness.

4. "assist us to develop" -> "facilitate our development"
   Explanation: "Facilitate" is a more formal and precise term than "assist," and "our development" is a more appropriate phrase than "us to develop," which is awkwardly phrased.

5. "the modernization of digital devices make the way of trading more popular" -> "the modernization of digital devices makes trading more accessible"
   Explanation: "Makes trading more accessible" is more precise and formal than "make the way of trading more popular," which is awkwardly phrased and informal.

6. "the fame and name of brands can be extended" -> "the fame and reputation of brands can be enhanced"
   Explanation: "Enhanced" is a more precise term than "extended" in this context, and "reputation" is more specific than "name," which is too general.

7. "by the breadth of advertisements" -> "through extensive advertising"
   Explanation: "Through extensive advertising" is more formal and precise than "by the breadth of advertisements," which is awkward and unclear.

8. "can supply happines" -> "can provide happiness"
   Explanation: Correcting the spelling error from "happines" to "happiness" and using "provide" instead of "supply" aligns with the correct verb usage in this context, enhancing clarity and formality.

9. "ppeople" -> "people"
   Explanation: Correcting the typo from "ppeople" to "people" ensures the text is free of errors and maintains professionalism.

10. "It supports single adults to seek love" -> "It enables single adults to seek love"
    Explanation: "Enables" is a more formal and precise verb than "supports," which is somewhat vague and informal in this context.

11. "the elderly to entertain themselves by hilarious videos" -> "the elderly to be entertained by humorous videos"
    Explanation: "To be entertained by" is a more formal and grammatically correct construction than "to entertain themselves by," which is awkward and informal.

12. "all of above show" -> "all of the above demonstrate"
    Explanation: "Demonstrate" is more appropriate than "show" in formal academic writing, and "all of the above" should be followed by "demonstrate" for grammatical correctness.

13. "can increased our material wealth" -> "can increase our material wealth"
    Explanation: Correcting the verb tense from "increased" to "increase" aligns with the present tense used throughout the essay, maintaining consistency and correctness.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing both material wealth and happiness in relation to modern technology. However, it does not fully engage with the idea that while technology may increase material wealth, it does not necessarily lead to increased happiness. The argument presented is somewhat one-sided, focusing primarily on the positive aspects of technology without adequately addressing the counterargument or the complexity of the relationship between wealth and happiness.
  • How to improve: To improve, the essay should explicitly acknowledge the claim made in the prompt about the lack of happiness despite increased wealth. This could involve discussing potential downsides of technology, such as social isolation or the pressure to maintain a certain lifestyle, which could detract from happiness. Including a balanced view would enhance the response to the prompt.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The writer expresses a personal opinion that technology contributes positively to both economic growth and happiness. However, the position is not consistently maintained throughout the essay. The introduction suggests a more nuanced view, but the body paragraphs primarily focus on the benefits without addressing opposing viewpoints or reinforcing the argument about happiness.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently refer back to the main argument throughout the essay. This can be achieved by restating the thesis in each paragraph and ensuring that all points made are directly related to the central claim. Additionally, acknowledging and refuting opposing views can strengthen the position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas related to the economic benefits of technology and its role in enhancing social connections. However, the ideas are not well-developed or supported with sufficient examples. For instance, while the mention of online trading and social media marketing is relevant, the explanations are vague and lack depth. The connection between technology and happiness is also underexplored.
  • How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should provide more detailed examples and explanations. This could involve discussing specific technologies or studies that illustrate the relationship between technology, wealth, and happiness. Additionally, expanding on each point with relevant statistics or personal anecdotes could make the argument more compelling.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing technology’s impact on wealth and happiness. However, there are moments where the focus shifts, particularly in the second paragraph where the discussion of happiness feels somewhat disconnected from the initial argument about material wealth. The transition between ideas could be smoother to maintain coherence.
  • How to improve: To stay on topic more effectively, the writer should ensure that each paragraph clearly relates back to the main thesis. Using topic sentences that directly reference the prompt and maintaining logical flow between points will help keep the essay focused. Additionally, using transitional phrases can guide the reader through the argument more clearly.

Overall, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should aim for a more balanced discussion, clearer positioning, better-supported ideas, and enhanced coherence throughout the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the relationship between technology, material wealth, and happiness. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, stating the dual nature of technology’s impact. The body paragraphs are organized around two main points: economic benefits and the impact on happiness. However, the transition between these points could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing economic growth to happiness feels abrupt and could benefit from a linking sentence that ties the two ideas together.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that guide the reader through the argument. For example, after discussing economic benefits, a sentence like "Beyond economic advantages, technology also plays a crucial role in enhancing our personal happiness" could create a more seamless transition.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first paragraph addresses economic benefits, while the second focuses on happiness. However, the paragraphs could be more clearly defined, as the second paragraph begins with "Secondly," which suggests a continuation of a list rather than a new idea. Additionally, the conclusion lacks a clear summary of the main points discussed.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. In the conclusion, restate the key points briefly to reinforce the argument and provide closure. For example, a concluding sentence could summarize both the economic and happiness aspects discussed.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly" and "Secondly," to indicate the structure of the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some sentences lack clear connections. For instance, the phrase "Another advantage is that the fame and name of brands can be extended due to marketing" could be better connected to the previous sentence to enhance flow.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a variety of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "In addition," or "On the other hand." Additionally, ensure that each sentence logically follows from the previous one. For example, instead of starting a new sentence with "Another advantage," consider linking it to the previous point with a phrase like "In addition to increased sales, marketing also enhances brand visibility."

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in logical transitions, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices could elevate the score further.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, particularly in discussing technology and its impacts. Words like "modernization," "advertisements," and "platforms" are appropriately used. However, there are instances of repetition and limited variation, such as the repeated use of "technology" and "happiness," which could be diversified with synonyms or related terms to enhance the lexical range.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate more varied vocabulary. For example, instead of repeating "technology," they could use terms like "innovation," "digital advancements," or "technological progress." Similarly, for "happiness," alternatives like "well-being," "contentment," or "satisfaction" could be employed to enrich the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay contains some precise vocabulary, there are notable inaccuracies that affect clarity. For instance, "benefis" is a misspelling of "benefits," and "happines" is also misspelled. Additionally, phrases like "assist us to develop" could be more accurately expressed as "helps us to develop." The phrase "the modernization of digital devices make the way of trading more popular" is awkward and could be clearer.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on proofreading for spelling errors and ensuring that phrases are grammatically correct. A more precise expression could be, "the modernization of digital devices has made trading more accessible." Regular practice with vocabulary exercises and reading widely can also help in selecting the most appropriate words.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "benefis," "happines," and "ppeople." These errors detract from the overall quality of the writing and can confuse the reader. Additionally, the inconsistency in capitalization, such as "It" in the middle of a sentence, indicates a lack of attention to detail.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a systematic proofreading process, checking for common spelling errors before finalizing their work. Utilizing spell-check tools and practicing spelling through writing exercises can also be beneficial. Furthermore, reading the essay aloud can help catch errors that may be overlooked when reading silently.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary related to the topic, there is significant room for improvement in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "the modernization of digital devices make the way of trading more popular" and "the development of technology can supply happiness" shows an attempt to incorporate different structures. However, the essay largely relies on straightforward constructions, which limits the complexity and depth of expression. Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "assist us to develop in terms of economy as well as mental health," which could be restructured for clarity and fluency.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences, such as those using subordinate clauses or varied conjunctions. For example, instead of saying "the modernization of digital devices make the way of trading more popular," the writer could say, "As digital devices modernize, they have made trading more popular." Practicing sentence combining and varying sentence beginnings can also help in achieving greater complexity.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For instance, "benefis" is a spelling error, and "happines" is another misspelling that should be corrected. The phrase "assist us to develop in terms of economy" is awkward and grammatically incorrect; it would be more appropriate to say "assist us in developing our economy." Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as the unnecessary capitalization of "It" in "Moreover, It supports single adults," which should be lowercase. The use of commas is also inconsistent, leading to run-on sentences that can confuse the reader.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors. Utilizing grammar-checking tools can help identify mistakes before submission. Additionally, practicing the rules of punctuation—such as when to use commas and periods—will enhance clarity. Reading the essay aloud can also help the writer catch awkward phrasing and grammatical inconsistencies.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear opinion and some relevant points, addressing the issues in grammatical range and accuracy will significantly improve the quality of the writing. Focusing on diversifying sentence structures and ensuring grammatical correctness will help elevate the essay to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The fact that the growth of technology offers a number of benefits, especially in terms of material wealth, leads some to claim that it decreases our happiness. Personally, I argue that technological growth assists us in developing both economically and in terms of mental health.

Firstly, in the field of the economy, the modernization of digital devices makes trading more accessible. Besides face-to-face trading, sellers can now sell their products on online platforms, which allows them to increase their sales. Another advantage is that the fame and reputation of brands can be enhanced through extensive advertising. Companies may offer numerous advertisements to introduce their products on popular social media platforms such as YouTube or Facebook. Consequently, through the breadth of advertisements, companies have a great chance to boost their development.

Secondly, in terms of happiness, the development of technology can provide happiness due to its ability to bring people together. For example, the Internet offers distant relatives the chance to call and talk with each other. Moreover, it enables single adults to seek love through dating apps, as well as the elderly to be entertained by humorous videos.

In short, all of the above demonstrates that the enhancement of technology can increase our material wealth and provide happiness.