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more and more people today are spending large amount of money on their complexions in order to younger. why do people want to look younger? do you think it is a positive or negative progression ?

more and more people today are spending large amount of money on their complexions in order to younger. why do people want to look younger? do you think it is a positive or negative progression ?

The rising concern surrounding the manner in which individuals expend cosmetics in order to preserve their beauty has sparked a fervent discussion. A segment of commentators is of the view that there are myriad reasons behind those enormous investments. From my point of view, this phenomenon could impact a variety of social aspects, which is a double cutting-edge blade having advantages and disadvantages.

From an overall perspective, there exists a multitude of reasons why this phenomenon takes place. Foremost among these reasons is that it is a natural desire of humans to preserve their good appearance against time. Hence, they do not hesitate to invest a huge budget, which would ensure their beauty is maintained as perfectly as possible. Secondly, attractive appearances are prioritized requirements to stardoms worldwide. This is because the more attractive they are, the more fans and sponsors by marketing ways they get. Therefore, The expenditure of celebrities on complexions and other beauty preservation approaches is understandable. Eventually, If their reputation is built up by stars successfully, they can become a model that their audiences long to imitate. This leads to their fans endeavoring to go the skincare route of their idols, which may cost them a fortune.

Turning to its pros and cons, that money is spent on complexion that could stimulate the growth of the economy. What I mean by this is that there are more occupation opportunities, created by the need of expansion, in this case the beauty field. Despite economic merits, If society just solely concentrates on appearance, it would lead to the chivalrous values sink to oblivion. This will pave the way for adverse ideologies such as throwaway culture or lookism, making the cores of humanity virtues obscure.

In conclusion, it must be said that the overspending on cosmetic products has ignited a heated debate, which raises strong passion on both sides of the argument. From my perspective, I firmly believe that the drawbacks of this phenomenon overshadow its benefits.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "expend cosmetics" -> "use cosmetics"
    Explanation: "Expend" is an uncommon and somewhat formal term. Replacing it with "use" maintains formality while ensuring clarity and simplicity in expression.

  2. "double cutting-edge blade" -> "double-edged sword"
    Explanation: The phrase "double cutting-edge blade" is an awkward and uncommon expression. "Double-edged sword" is a more widely recognized idiom, conveying the idea of something having both advantages and disadvantages.

  3. "Foremost among these reasons" -> "Primary among these factors"
    Explanation: "Foremost" may sound a bit archaic in this context. "Primary" is a suitable alternative that maintains formality while being more modern and precise.

  4. "complexions" -> "skin care"
    Explanation: "Complexions" is somewhat dated and not commonly used in academic writing. Replacing it with "skin care" is more contemporary and aligns better with the formal tone.

  5. "If their reputation is built up by stars successfully" -> "If stars successfully build their reputation"
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly structured. Rearranging it for smoother flow and clarity improves the sentence’s structure.

  6. "endeavoring to go the skincare route of their idols" -> "aspiring to emulate the skincare routines of their idols"
    Explanation: "Endeavoring to go the skincare route" is unclear and informal. The suggested alternative provides a clearer and more formal expression while maintaining the intended meaning.

  7. "that money is spent on complexion" -> "expenditure on skincare"
    Explanation: "That money is spent on complexion" is awkward and unclear. The suggested alternative, "expenditure on skincare," is more precise and aligns better with formal language.

  8. "If society just solely concentrates on appearance" -> "If society exclusively focuses on physical appearance"
    Explanation: "Just solely concentrates" is redundant and informal. The alternative phrase enhances formality and clarity.

  9. "chivalrous values sink to oblivion" -> "moral values fade into obscurity"
    Explanation: "Chivalrous values" may not be the most accurate term here. The suggested alternative, "moral values," is more appropriate and maintains formality.

  10. "the cores of humanity virtues obscure" -> "the fundamental virtues of humanity become obscured"
    Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect. The suggested alternative improves the sentence’s structure while preserving the intended meaning.

  11. "it must be said that" -> "it can be argued that"
    Explanation: "It must be said that" is a bit forceful. The suggested alternative introduces a more neutral and academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "The rising concern surrounding the manner in which individuals expend cosmetics in order to preserve their beauty has sparked a fervent discussion."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction is somewhat vague, and it lacks a clear statement of your position on the topic. It’s crucial to explicitly state whether you agree, disagree, or hold a nuanced view on the issue. Consider rephrasing to provide a concise thesis statement that reflects your stance.
    • Improved example: "The increasing trend of significant investments in cosmetics for maintaining a youthful appearance has triggered heated debates. In my view, this phenomenon has both positive and negative implications."
  2. Quoted text: "From my point of view, this phenomenon could impact a variety of social aspects, which is a double cutting-edge blade having advantages and disadvantages."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: While you express your viewpoint, the statement is quite general and lacks specificity. To enhance your Task Response, provide a more detailed and focused perspective on the impact of spending on cosmetics. Specify the social aspects affected and elaborate on the advantages and disadvantages.
    • Improved example: "In my perspective, the pervasive use of cosmetics not only influences individual beauty standards but also molds societal norms. This dual nature of the phenomenon brings forth both positive changes, such as economic growth, and negative consequences, like the erosion of genuine values."
  3. Quoted text: "Turning to its pros and cons, that money is spent on complexion that could stimulate the growth of the economy."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The transition to discussing the pros and cons is abrupt. It would be beneficial to smoothly lead into this section by summarizing your main arguments from the previous paragraphs. Additionally, provide more specific examples and reasons to support your claim about economic stimulation.
    • Improved example: "Now, delving into the advantages and disadvantages of this trend, one notable positive aspect is the potential economic boost resulting from substantial investments in beauty products. For instance, the thriving beauty industry creates job opportunities and contributes to overall economic growth."
  4. Quoted text: "Despite economic merits, If society just solely concentrates on appearance, it would lead to the chivalrous values sink to oblivion."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The sentence is somewhat convoluted and could be rephrased for clarity. Furthermore, it would be helpful to elaborate on how an exclusive focus on appearance might erode chivalrous values. Provide specific examples or scenarios to strengthen your argument.
    • Improved example: "However, despite the economic benefits, an excessive societal fixation on appearance may result in the decline of traditional values. For instance, the increasing emphasis on physical attractiveness might overshadow qualities like kindness and integrity, leading to a diminishing sense of chivalry."

Overall, your essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic, but refining the introduction, enhancing the specificity of your arguments, and providing more illustrative examples can elevate the overall Task Response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion. The introduction and conclusion provide a clear structure to the essay. The body paragraphs discuss reasons behind the expenditure on cosmetics and highlight both positive and negative aspects. However, there are instances where cohesion is faulty. For example, in the second paragraph, the transition from the first reason to the second could be smoother. Additionally, some sentences lack clarity, impacting overall cohesion. Paragraphing is somewhat logical, but there are areas where it could be improved for a more seamless flow.

How to improve:

  1. Cohesion within Paragraphs: Ensure that each paragraph has a smooth flow of ideas, avoiding abrupt transitions. Connect sentences more effectively to maintain coherence within paragraphs.
  2. Clarity of Expression: Focus on expressing ideas clearly to enhance overall cohesion. Revise sentences that might be confusing or ambiguous to improve the essay’s coherence.
  3. Logical Paragraphing: Review the organization of paragraphs to ensure a more logical progression of ideas. This can contribute to better overall cohesion and coherence.

Note: While the essay presents a balanced view and covers relevant points, refining the coherence and cohesion would elevate it to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with a mix of common and less common lexical items. There is an attempt to use sophisticated language, and the essay successfully conveys ideas with flexibility and precision. Some uncommon lexical items are skillfully employed. However, occasional errors in word choice and collocation are present, and there are some inaccuracies in spelling and word formation. Despite these, the vocabulary usage is sufficient for flexibility and precision.

How to improve:
To enhance the Lexical Resource and achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on eliminating occasional errors in word choice, collocation, spelling, and word formation. A more consistent and accurate application of sophisticated vocabulary would contribute to a smoother and more polished essay. Additionally, the writer may consider incorporating a wider variety of complex sentence structures to further showcase linguistic proficiency.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, showcasing a range of structures. There are, however, some errors in grammar and punctuation, though they rarely hinder communication. The writer attempts to use a variety of complex structures, but occasional errors are present. The control of grammar and punctuation is generally good, but a few mistakes can be noted.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, pay closer attention to sentence structures and ensure that complex sentences are used effectively. Proofread carefully to catch and rectify occasional errors in grammar and punctuation, aiming for more consistent accuracy. Additionally, consider refining the use of complex structures for a more seamless integration into the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

The increasing concern about the way people invest in cosmetics to maintain their youthful appearance has sparked a significant debate. Some argue that there are various reasons behind these substantial investments. In my view, this trend can impact several social aspects, presenting both advantages and disadvantages.

Looking at the broader picture, there are numerous reasons driving this phenomenon. One primary reason is the natural human desire to preserve a pleasing appearance over time. Consequently, individuals do not hesitate to allocate a substantial budget to ensure the maintenance of their beauty. Additionally, attractive appearances are crucial for achieving stardom globally. The more appealing someone is, the more fans and sponsors they attract through marketing strategies. Therefore, it is understandable that celebrities invest in complexion and other beauty preservation methods. Successfully building a reputation allows them to become role models, influencing their audience to follow similar skincare routines, often at a significant cost.

Considering the pros and cons, the money spent on complexion can stimulate economic growth by creating more job opportunities in the beauty industry. However, if society excessively focuses on appearance, it may lead to the erosion of noble values. This concentration on looks could foster negative ideologies such as a throwaway culture or lookism, overshadowing essential human virtues.

In conclusion, overspending on cosmetic products has ignited a passionate debate with strong arguments on both sides. From my perspective, I firmly believe that the drawbacks of this phenomenon outweigh its benefits.

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