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More and more people today are spending large amounts of money on their appearance in order to look younger. Why do people want to look younger?/ Why does this happen? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

More and more people today are spending large amounts of money on their appearance in order to look younger. Why do people want to look younger?/ Why does this happen? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

Today’s society is seeing an upward tendency for people to use a great deal of money to change their appearance to improve their age. In my opinion, there are some reasons for this development and this trend is both positive and negative.

To begin with, there is no denying that owning a good-looking appearance brings out many benefits for two reasons. The first reason is about increasing career chances because many requirements of jobs in this day and age are asked to have a nice appearance. For example, there would be a good plus and create a better first impression for interviewees if they are both good-looking when going to an interview. Another reason is to enhance their self-esteem. Many married women tend not to be confident with their body or their beauty after the period of pregnancy. Therefore, going to a spa and having some cosmetic surgery to improve their appearance would help them overcome the feeling of self-deprecation and live happier with their family.

On the other hand, investing money to upgrade appearance could bring out positive and negative development. Regarding the positive sides, there would be a better chapter for some people after changing their appearance. Take some fashion models, singers or actors in the world as a specific example. They are willing to spend a huge amount of money to improve their beauty and they make a good decisions when there are new projects with higher budgets that come to them after they have cosmetic surgery. However, spending money to change appearance also causes some health problems. Some people, especially women, would be addicted to cosmetic surgery to follow the beauty trend nowadays. This leads to health problems such as infections, heart disease, facial deformation or even failure to change their appearance while and after surgery.

In conclusion, using a large sum of money to improve your appearance can create a better job and enhance your self-esteem; however, there are some health problems of cosmetic surgery for those who invest money in changing their appearance.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "seeing an upward tendency" -> "observing an upward trend"
    Explanation: The phrase "seeing an upward tendency" can be replaced with "observing an upward trend" to convey the idea more formally and precisely in an academic context.

  2. "use a great deal of money" -> "invest significant funds"
    Explanation: To enhance the formality and clarity of the sentence, replacing "use a great deal of money" with "invest significant funds" maintains a more professional tone.

  3. "this trend is both positive and negative" -> "this trend has both positive and negative aspects"
    Explanation: Shifting from "positive and negative" to "positive and negative aspects" offers a more nuanced and formal expression, aligning better with academic writing standards.

  4. "bringing out many benefits" -> "yielding numerous advantages"
    Explanation: The phrase "bringing out many benefits" can be substituted with "yielding numerous advantages" to elevate the vocabulary choice and maintain a formal tone.

  5. "The first reason is about" -> "One reason pertains to"
    Explanation: Replacing "The first reason is about" with "One reason pertains to" offers a more formal and concise expression, suitable for academic writing.

  6. "nice appearance" -> "pleasant appearance"
    Explanation: Swapping "nice" with "pleasant" maintains formality and enhances precision in describing appearance in an academic context.

  7. "a good plus" -> "an added advantage"
    Explanation: "A good plus" can be replaced with "an added advantage" for a more formal and precise phrasing in an academic context.

  8. "to enhance their self-esteem" -> "to bolster their self-esteem"
    Explanation: Substituting "enhance" with "bolster" elevates the vocabulary choice without sacrificing clarity, suitable for formal writing.

  9. "tend not to be confident" -> "often lack confidence"
    Explanation: Using "tend not to be" is more conversational. Replacing it with "often lack" maintains formality and clarity in the statement.

  10. "feeling of self-deprecation" -> "sense of self-deprecation"
    Explanation: "Feeling of self-deprecation" can be refined to "sense of self-deprecation" for a more precise and formal description in an academic context.

  11. "better chapter" -> "better opportunities"
    Explanation: Replacing "better chapter" with "better opportunities" offers a more formal and appropriate phrase in an academic context.

  12. "good decisions" -> "wise choices"
    Explanation: To maintain a formal tone, "good decisions" can be substituted with "wise choices" without altering the meaning.

  13. "cosmetic surgery" (repeated) -> "cosmetic procedures"
    Explanation: To avoid repetition, replacing some instances of "cosmetic surgery" with "cosmetic procedures" maintains clarity and variety in expression.

  14. "causes some health problems" -> "poses health risks"
    Explanation: Using "causes some health problems" can be replaced with "poses health risks" to offer a more formal and precise description in an academic context.

  15. "would be addicted to" -> "might become addicted to"
    Explanation: Changing "would be addicted to" to "might become addicted to" adds a conditional tone, enhancing the accuracy of the statement.

  16. "leads to health problems" -> "results in health complications"
    Explanation: Substituting "leads to health problems" with "results in health complications" offers a more formal and precise phrasing for academic writing.

  17. "facial deformation" -> "facial disfigurement"
    Explanation: "Facial deformation" can be replaced with "facial disfigurement" for a more formal and precise description in an academic context.

  18. "using a large sum of money" -> "investing significant financial resources"
    Explanation: Replacing "using a large sum of money" with "investing significant financial resources" offers a more formal and detailed description appropriate for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both aspects of the prompt—why people want to look younger and whether this is a positive or negative development. The reasons provided include career advancement and increased self-esteem. However, the connection between spending money on appearance and looking younger could be more explicitly emphasized. The explanation could benefit from additional depth and exploration of the positive and negative aspects.
    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, consider providing more specific examples and elaborating on the positive and negative consequences of investing in appearance. Ensure that each aspect of the question is thoroughly explored and linked to the broader theme.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance throughout, asserting that the trend of spending money on appearance is both positive and negative. The position is stated early on and consistently supported with relevant examples. However, the essay could benefit from a stronger thesis statement that explicitly outlines the dual nature of the phenomenon.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the thesis statement to clearly indicate that the author believes the trend has both positive and negative consequences. This will help guide the reader through the nuanced exploration of the topic.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas that are relevant to the prompt and extends them to some degree. The examples provided, such as the impact on career opportunities and self-esteem, support the main points. However, some ideas could be further developed, and the essay could benefit from more elaboration on the health problems associated with cosmetic surgery.
    • How to improve: Extend the discussion on positive and negative consequences, providing more specific details and examples. Elaborate on the health problems associated with cosmetic surgery to strengthen the overall argument.
  • Stay on Topic: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay remains generally on topic, discussing the reasons why people want to look younger and evaluating the positive and negative aspects of spending money on appearance. However, there are instances where the connection between appearance and looking younger could be made more explicit, and the discussion of health problems is somewhat brief.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each point made directly relates to the central theme of looking younger through spending on appearance. Provide a more detailed exploration of the health problems associated with cosmetic surgery to better fulfill the requirements of the prompt.

Overall, to improve the essay, focus on providing more detailed and specific examples, strengthening the thesis statement, and extending the discussion on both positiveand negative aspects of spending money on appearance. Additionally, ensure that each point made in the essay directly addresses the prompt, making the connection between appearance and looking younger more explicit.

Remember to organize the essay in a way that highlights the coherence of your ideas. Use transitions effectively to guide the reader through the different aspects of your argument. Moreover, consider varying your sentence structure to add complexity and sophistication to your writing.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and maintains a clear position, further development of ideas, incorporation of specific examples, and a more explicit connection between appearance and looking younger will contribute to a more comprehensive and well-rounded response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization with a clear progression of ideas throughout. Each paragraph has a distinct focus, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. For instance, the introduction sets the stage by presenting the topic and the writer’s stance, followed by well-organized body paragraphs that explore both positive and negative aspects of spending money on appearance enhancement. The logical flow aids in understanding the writer’s perspective.
    • How to improve: While the essay is logically organized, a stronger connection between paragraphs could be established by using transitional phrases. For instance, incorporating phrases like "Moreover" or "On the contrary" can enhance the coherence between ideas, creating a smoother transition between different aspects of the argument.
  • Use Paragraphs: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs, maintaining a mostly logical sequence of ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall coherence. However, there are instances where the sequencing could be refined for even greater effectiveness. For example, the paragraph discussing the positive aspects of appearance enhancement could be followed by a more seamless transition to the negative consequences.
    • How to improve: Consider revising the order of paragraphs to ensure a more natural flow of ideas. This can be achieved by assessing the relationship between paragraphs and adjusting the sequence to enhance overall coherence. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence can further strengthen the organization.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a flexible use of cohesive devices, contributing to overall coherence. There is an evident attempt to link ideas and maintain a smooth progression of thought. While the essay uses cohesive devices effectively, there are instances where accuracy and appropriateness could be refined for a more polished presentation.
    • How to improve: Focus on using a wider variety of cohesive devices, such as pronouns, conjunctions, and transitional phrases, to enhance the overall coherence. Additionally, pay attention to the accuracy of their usage to avoid any potential confusion. For example, ensure that pronouns refer clearly to antecedents and that transitional phrases accurately reflect the logical relationship between ideas.

Overall, the essay exhibits a commendable level of coherence and cohesion. By refining the use of transitional phrases and optimizing the sequencing of paragraphs, the writer can elevate the overall organization of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary: Characteristic of Band 6

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is a variety of words used to convey ideas, and some attempts at less common vocabulary. For instance, words like "self-deprecation," "upward tendency," and "cosmetic surgery" contribute to the overall lexical range.
    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, consider incorporating more precise and contextually fitting vocabulary. While there is a commendable attempt at diversity, some phrases could be more nuanced. Instead of repeating certain terms, explore synonyms that may better capture the nuances of the intended meaning.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely: Characteristic of Band 6

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally precise use of vocabulary. However, there are instances where word choice could be more accurate. For example, the phrase "upgrade appearance" could be more precisely expressed, and the use of "failure to change their appearance" is somewhat imprecise.
    • How to improve: Focus on selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. In cases where the vocabulary seems slightly off, consider alternative terms that better capture the nuance of the idea. In particular, avoid using terms that may lead to ambiguity or misinterpretation.
  • Use Correct Spelling: Characteristic of Band 6

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the spelling is accurate, with no major issues. However, there are a few minor spelling errors, such as "make a good decisions" (should be "make good decisions") and "and live happier with their family" (could be "and live more happily with their family").
    • How to improve: While the essay generally maintains good spelling, thorough proofreading is essential. Paying attention to minor errors will contribute to an even higher level of spelling accuracy. Additionally, considering the overall flow of sentences during proofreading can help identify areas where word usage could be refined.

In conclusion, the essay exhibits a commendable level of lexical resource, demonstrating a moderate range of vocabulary with generally precise usage. To enhance this further, aim for more nuanced and contextually fitting vocabulary, ensuring precision in word choice. Additionally, maintain a keen eye for minor spelling errors during proofreading to elevate the overall lexical quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures: Characteristic of Band 6

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, which contributes to the overall readability. However, there’s a reliance on some repetitive sentence patterns, like starting sentences with "There is/are" or "Regarding." For instance, in the third paragraph, the structure "Regarding the positive sides" is used to introduce an idea, which, if varied, could enhance the essay’s coherence and sophistication.
    • How to improve: To diversify structures, consider using introductory phrases beyond "Regarding" and vary sentence lengths to create a more engaging rhythm. Additionally, explore compound-complex sentences to add depth and complexity to ideas. For example, combining ideas in a single sentence can add fluency and complexity without creating run-on sentences.
  • Use Grammar Accurately: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a generally strong grasp of grammar, with most sentences being error-free. However, there are instances of minor errors that slightly affect clarity. For instance, "a good plus" might benefit from revision for better clarity ("an added advantage," perhaps). Additionally, the phrase "make a good decisions" should be corrected to "make good decisions."
    • How to improve: Continue focusing on precision in sentence construction. Proofread to catch these minor errors, ensuring singular-plural agreement and appropriate word choice. For instance, using "an added advantage" or "a significant benefit" would enhance the sentence structure and clarity.
  • Use Correct Punctuation: Characteristic of Band 7

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, punctuation is used effectively to convey ideas. However, there are a few instances where punctuation could be refined for better readability. For example, the sentence "This leads to health problems such as infections, heart disease, facial deformation or even failure to change their appearance while and after surgery" would benefit from clearer punctuation to separate the list items more distinctly.
    • How to improve: Focus on using punctuation marks, such as commas and semicolons, more precisely to delineate ideas. In the aforementioned sentence, employing commas consistently before each item in the list ("infections, heart disease, facial deformation, or even failure") would improve clarity.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation with a varied yet slightly repetitive sentence structure. To enhance the essay further, strive for more diverse sentence structures, precision in grammar, and meticulous punctuation usage.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, there is a noticeable inclination among individuals to invest significant funds in altering their appearance to appear younger. In my view, this trend has both positive and negative aspects.

To commence, there is an undeniable advantage in having a pleasant appearance, yielding numerous advantages for several reasons. One reason pertains to the realm of career opportunities, as many contemporary jobs place importance on having an appealing appearance. For instance, being visually appealing during job interviews can create a favorable impression and increase one’s chances of securing employment. Another advantage is the boost in self-esteem that individuals experience. Many women, especially after pregnancy, often lack confidence in their bodies or beauty. Consequently, opting for spa treatments or cosmetic surgery to enhance their appearance becomes an added advantage, helping them overcome feelings of self-deprecation and fostering a happier family life.

However, investing significant financial resources to enhance appearance can have both positive and negative outcomes. On the positive side, this transformation can open doors to better opportunities. Consider, for instance, the fashion models, singers, or actors who willingly invest substantial sums to improve their aesthetics. Their wise choices often lead to lucrative projects with higher budgets. On the flip side, the pursuit of altering one’s appearance poses health risks, especially when individuals might become addicted to cosmetic surgery trends. This can result in various health complications, including infections, heart diseases, facial disfigurement, or even unsuccessful attempts to change their appearance.

In conclusion, while spending a considerable amount to improve one’s appearance can enhance career prospects and bolster self-esteem, it’s essential to acknowledge the potential health risks associated with investing in cosmetic alterations. Striking a balance between aesthetic enhancements and health considerations is crucial for a well-rounded perspective on this phenomenon.

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