More people put their personal information online (address, telephone number…) for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

More people put their personal information online (address, telephone number…) for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking.

Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

It is argued that many individuals pose a risk to their private data on online platforms. While this lifestyle can have a benefit on building up relationships, I firmly believe that this can have negative consequences due to the illegal purposes of cyber criminals
On the one hand, one primary advantage is that people can have opportunities to strengthen the bond between them and society. This is because social media platforms pave the way for communicating and interacting in an effective and visual way, allowing individuals to share their personal information, which enable them to get access with others effortlessly. Take Facebook app as an example, this platform enables people to share their privacy such as address, personal data and also their daily life, which can foster the relationships and networking for citizens around the globe. As a result, sharing private figures can not only promote better relationships but also serve as a means of connection.
On the other hand, despite the aforementioned benefits above, I contend that putting too much personal information online can inevitably create conditions for online hackers to scam money. Because of the technological advancements, digital cyber criminals can easily have illegit access to any online accounts that lack of robust security and reveal plenty of private information. For instance, Momo is a digital wallet which helps people to transfer money to each other conveniently. However, hackers can make use of this by collecting and handling information that people carelessly distribute on digital platform, unfortunately they might suffer from losing money from banking accounts. Consequently, allocating data on online platforms should be under consideration thoroughly.
In conclusion, while it is irrefutable that sharing personal data online can brings benefits in building closer relationships, I am inclined to believe that the negative drawbacks surpass the positive benefits due to the threat of stealing finance from online lawbreakers.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"It is argued that" -> "It is contended that"
Explanation: "It is contended that" is a more formal and precise way to introduce an argument in academic writing, enhancing the tone right from the beginning.
"pose a risk to their private data" -> "expose their private data to risk"
Explanation: "Expose their private data to risk" is more accurate and formal, clearly describing the action and its consequences.
"this lifestyle" -> "this practice"
Explanation: "This practice" is more specific and appropriate for an academic context, referring directly to the act of sharing personal information online.
"have a benefit on" -> "offer benefits for"
Explanation: "Offer benefits for" is more precise and academically suitable, improving the sentence’s clarity and formality.
"illegal purposes of cyber criminals" -> "illicit activities of cybercriminals"
Explanation: "Illicit activities of cybercriminals" is more specific and uses formal terminology appropriate for academic writing.
"pave the way for" -> "facilitate"
Explanation: "Facilitate" is a more formal and concise term that enhances the academic tone of the sentence.
"enables them to get access with others" -> "facilitates their access to others"
Explanation: "Facilitates their access to others" is clearer and more formal, improving the sentence’s structure and academic style.
"Facebook app" -> "the Facebook platform"
Explanation: "The Facebook platform" is a more formal and precise term, suitable for academic writing.
"share their privacy" -> "disclose personal information"
Explanation: "Disclose personal information" is more specific and formal, accurately describing the action in an academic context.
"illegit access" -> "unauthorized access"
Explanation: "Unauthorized access" is the correct term, enhancing the formality and accuracy of the sentence.
"lack of robust security" -> "lack robust security"
Explanation: Removing "of" corrects the grammatical structure, making the phrase more formal and accurate.
"Momo is a digital wallet" -> "Momo, a digital wallet,"
Explanation: Introducing "Momo" with a clarifying phrase makes the sentence clearer and more formal.
"handling information" -> "manipulating information"
Explanation: "Manipulating information" is more precise and academically appropriate, accurately describing the hackers’ actions.
"carelessly distribute on digital platform" -> "incautiously share on digital platforms"
Explanation: "Incautiously share on digital platforms" is more formal and accurately describes the act of sharing information without due caution.
"allocating data on online platforms" -> "sharing data on online platforms"
Explanation: "Sharing data" is more precise and relevant to the context, improving clarity and formality.
"brings benefits in building" -> "yields benefits in fostering"
Explanation: "Yields benefits in fostering" is more formal and precise, improving the academic tone and clarity of the sentence.
"negative drawbacks" -> "adverse consequences"
Explanation: "Adverse consequences" is a more formal and precise term, suitable for academic writing.
"surpass the positive benefits" -> "outweigh the positive aspects"
Explanation: "Outweigh the positive aspects" is more academically appropriate, offering a clearer and more formal comparison.
"stealing finance from online lawbreakers" -> "financial theft by cybercriminals"
Explanation: "Financial theft by cybercriminals" is more precise and uses formal terminology, improving the sentence’s clarity and academic appropriateness.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the argument presented in the prompt. It discusses both the potential benefits of sharing personal information online, such as strengthening relationships, and the negative consequences, such as the risk of financial loss due to cybercrime.
- How to improve: To further enhance task response, ensure that each point is developed with more depth and specificity. Additionally, explicitly addressing the "positive or negative development" aspect of the prompt in the conclusion would strengthen the essay’s coherence.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the negative consequences of sharing personal information online outweigh the benefits. This stance is consistently presented and supported throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To strengthen clarity, ensure that each paragraph explicitly reinforces the chosen position, perhaps by stating the viewpoint in topic sentences and then supporting it with evidence and reasoning.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas on both sides of the argument and supports them with examples, such as the benefits of social media for building relationships and the risks of cybercrime. However, some ideas lack depth and could be further elaborated to strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: Extend ideas by providing more detailed examples, statistics, or anecdotes to bolster the argument. Additionally, ensure that each idea is fully developed before moving on to the next point.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by addressing the prompt’s central question regarding the positive or negative development of sharing personal information online. However, there are minor instances where the connection to the topic could be clearer.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, consistently tie each supporting point back to the central theme of whether sharing personal information online is beneficial or detrimental. Avoid introducing tangential ideas that do not directly relate to the topic at hand.

Overall, while the essay effectively presents arguments on both sides of the issue and maintains a clear position throughout, there is room for improvement in depth of analysis, clarity of expression, and coherence in supporting ideas. By addressing these areas, the essay could enhance its overall effectiveness and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical organization. It begins with a clear introduction that presents the topic and the writer’s stance, followed by two body paragraphs each discussing a different viewpoint. The first body paragraph discusses the benefits of sharing personal information online, while the second addresses the risks associated with it. Finally, the conclusion restates the writer’s opinion. However, the transitions between paragraphs could be smoother to enhance the overall coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure each paragraph flows smoothly into the next by using transitional phrases or sentences. Additionally, consider restructuring the argument to provide a more balanced discussion of both advantages and disadvantages in each paragraph, rather than dedicating a separate paragraph to each viewpoint.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, there are areas where the structure could be improved for better coherence. For instance, the second paragraph could be divided into two paragraphs to separate the discussion of benefits and risks more clearly.
- How to improve: Consider breaking down the second body paragraph into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on the benefits of sharing personal information online, and the other addressing the risks associated with it. This will help maintain clarity and coherence within the essay structure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a limited range of cohesive devices, such as transition words like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand." While these help signal shifts in argument, there is a need for more variety and sophistication in cohesive devices to improve coherence further. Additionally, the essay lacks cohesive devices within paragraphs to connect ideas and enhance coherence at the micro-level.
- How to improve: Incorporate a broader range of cohesive devices, including pronouns (e.g., "this," "these"), conjunctions (e.g., "furthermore," "however"), and repetition of key terms or ideas to reinforce connections between sentences and paragraphs. Moreover, ensure cohesive devices are used not only to signal shifts but also to maintain coherence within paragraphs by connecting ideas seamlessly.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a basic level of coherence and cohesion, there is room for improvement in organizing information more logically, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices. By implementing these suggestions, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, thereby enhancing its overall effectiveness.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly wide range of vocabulary with varied word choices and expressions. For example, phrases like "pose a risk to," "foster the relationships," "illegit access," and "digital platform" showcase a breadth of vocabulary. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more diverse and nuanced.
- How to improve: To further enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more sophisticated synonyms and expressions where appropriate. Instead of repeating phrases like "personal information" or "online platforms," explore alternatives such as "private data" or "digital platforms." Additionally, introducing more advanced vocabulary related to the topic of cybersecurity and online privacy could enrich the essay further.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are instances where precision could be improved. For instance, phrases like "cyber criminals" and "online hackers" are used interchangeably, but they could be more precisely differentiated to convey specific meanings. Additionally, the phrase "sharing personal data online" could be more specific to encompass various types of personal information.
- How to improve: Aim for greater precision by using vocabulary that accurately conveys the intended meaning. Distinguish between terms like "cyber criminals" and "hackers" based on their specific roles and activities. Additionally, specify the types of personal information being shared online, such as financial data, contact details, or sensitive personal information, to provide clarity and depth to the discussion.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally correct spelling, but there are a few instances of minor errors and inconsistencies. For example, "illegit" should be spelled as "illegitimate," and there are occasional missing articles or prepositions ("the digital platform," "in banking accounts"). While these errors do not significantly hinder comprehension, they detract slightly from the overall polish of the essay.
- How to improve: Enhance spelling accuracy by carefully proofreading the essay to identify and correct any spelling errors or typos. Utilize spelling and grammar checking tools to catch any overlooked mistakes. Additionally, pay attention to articles, prepositions, and word endings to ensure consistency and precision in language usage.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For example, there are instances of complex sentences such as "While this lifestyle can have a benefit on building up relationships, I firmly believe that this can have negative consequences due to the illegal purposes of cyber criminals," which effectively convey the writer’s viewpoint. Additionally, there are compound sentences like "On the one hand, one primary advantage is that people can have opportunities to strengthen the bond between them and society," which provide clear delineation of ideas.
- How to improve: To further enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating more advanced sentence structures such as parallelism, conditional sentences, and inversion. Additionally, varying the length of sentences can add rhythm and flow to the essay, enhancing readability and engagement.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay exhibits a good command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are some instances of grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies. For example, there are missing articles in phrases like "because the technological advancements" and "a benefit on building up relationships." Additionally, there are punctuation errors such as missing commas in sentences like "Because of the technological advancements digital cyber criminals can easily have illegit access."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on mastering the use of articles (a, an, the) to ensure clarity and precision in expression. Review punctuation rules, particularly regarding comma usage in complex sentences and clauses, to enhance readability and coherence. Proofreading carefully can help catch and correct such errors before submission.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and a varied range of sentence structures, contributing to its cohesive and coherent presentation. However, attention to detail in grammar and punctuation could further elevate the clarity and precision of the writing. Keep practicing diverse sentence constructions and meticulous proofreading to refine these skills and achieve even greater proficiency in future compositions.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is contended that many individuals expose their private data to risk on online platforms. While this practice may offer benefits for building relationships, I firmly believe that it can have negative consequences due to the illicit activities of cybercriminals.

On the one hand, one primary advantage is that people can have opportunities to strengthen the bond between them and society. This is because social media platforms facilitate communication and interaction in an effective and visual way, allowing individuals to share their personal information, which facilitates their access to others effortlessly. Take the Facebook platform as an example; this platform enables people to disclose their privacy such as address, personal data, and daily life, which can foster relationships and networking for citizens around the globe. As a result, sharing private information can not only promote better relationships but also serve as a means of connection.

On the other hand, despite the aforementioned benefits, I contend that putting too much personal information online can inevitably create conditions for online hackers to scam money. Because of technological advancements, digital cybercriminals can easily gain unauthorized access to any online accounts that lack robust security and reveal plenty of private information. For instance, Momo, a digital wallet, helps people transfer money conveniently. However, hackers can manipulate information that people incautiously share on digital platforms, resulting in financial theft from banking accounts. Consequently, sharing data on online platforms should be under consideration thoroughly.

In conclusion, while it is undeniable that sharing personal data online yields benefits in fostering closer relationships, I am inclined to believe that the adverse consequences outweigh the positive aspects due to the threat of financial theft by cybercriminals.