More students should chosse to do voluntary work during the long holidays rather than working for money. Discuss

These days, numerous of people maintain that voluntary work should be chosen instead of working for money. That is the point we need to consider.

It is certainly true that taking part in voluntary work is a chance to develop students's soft skills. Being a volunteer require to communicate well to other people and involving teamwork, which help students developing their communication skill. It is also undeniable that doing voluntary work contribute to enormous motivation of reducing poverty. Many people, especially students, are abundant human resources and play an important role in improving life condition. On the other hand, voluntary work take lots of time and sometime student are distracted from school. How can a student manage to do homework while they are doing voluntary work?. Another problem is that it makes students feeling exhausted. Many campaigns require you to work in long hours, result in tiredness and reducing learning productivity at school.

On balance, I do not believe that students should choose voluntary work unless they are really up to be a volunteer. The best way may be think twice before decided.

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Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address all parts of the question by discussing the benefits and drawbacks of voluntary work compared to working for money during long holidays. It acknowledges the importance of voluntary work for skill development and poverty reduction but also highlights potential challenges such as time management and exhaustion.
- How to improve: The essay could improve by providing a more thorough exploration of the advantages and disadvantages of both options. Additionally, it should ensure that each point directly relates to the prompt and contributes to a comprehensive discussion.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position that leans towards favoring voluntary work but acknowledges the need for careful consideration before committing to it. However, the position could be more explicitly stated and consistently maintained throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity and consistency, the essay should clearly state the author’s stance in the introduction and reinforce it in each subsequent paragraph. Additionally, avoiding ambivalent language would strengthen the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding the benefits and drawbacks of voluntary work, but these are not thoroughly extended or supported. While it briefly mentions skill development and poverty reduction as benefits, it lacks in-depth analysis or specific examples to bolster these points. Similarly, while it mentions time management and exhaustion as drawbacks, it does not elaborate on these issues.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide more detailed examples and explanations to support each idea. This could involve incorporating personal experiences, statistical data, or anecdotes to make the arguments more convincing and compelling.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the merits and drawbacks of voluntary work compared to working for money during long holidays. However, there are moments where the discussion slightly deviates, such as when discussing the challenges of managing homework alongside voluntary work.
- How to improve: To maintain better focus on the topic, the essay should ensure that all points directly relate to the comparison between voluntary work and working for money during holidays. Any tangential discussions should be avoided unless they significantly contribute to the overall argument.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic and attempts to address the key points, there is room for improvement in terms of clarity, depth of analysis, and staying completely on topic. By refining these aspects, the essay could achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to organize information around the central argument of whether students should prioritize voluntary work over paid employment during holidays. However, the logical flow is hindered by unclear transitions between ideas and insufficient development of supporting points. For instance, the essay begins by acknowledging the benefits of voluntary work for soft skill development and poverty reduction but fails to seamlessly transition into discussing the drawbacks such as time management and exhaustion. This lack of cohesion makes the argument less persuasive and coherent.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the essay should establish clear topic sentences for each paragraph to guide the reader through the argument. Additionally, transitions between ideas should be smoother to facilitate a more coherent flow of information. Providing specific examples and elaborating on each point would also strengthen the argument’s clarity and coherence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but their effectiveness is compromised by inconsistent structure and limited development. Each paragraph attempts to address different aspects of the argument, such as the benefits of voluntary work and its drawbacks, but lacks sufficient elaboration and unity. Additionally, some paragraphs contain multiple ideas without clear separation, leading to confusion.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, the essay should ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea or argument related to the topic sentence. Clear transitions between paragraphs should guide the reader through the progression of ideas. Furthermore, providing examples and evidence to support each point would enhance the depth and coherence of the essay’s argumentation.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use cohesive devices such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "on the other hand," "on balance"), but their effectiveness is limited. These devices are inconsistently employed and fail to establish strong connections between ideas. As a result, the essay lacks coherence and cohesion, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument.
- How to improve: To improve the use of cohesive devices, the essay should incorporate a wider range of transitions to signal shifts between ideas and paragraphs more effectively. Cohesive devices such as pronouns, conjunctions, and transitional phrases should be used strategically to create logical connections and maintain coherence throughout the essay. Additionally, repeating key terms or concepts and providing clear references to previous points can reinforce the coherence of the argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 9

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 9

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, incorporating various terms such as "voluntary work," "soft skills," "communication skill," "human resources," "improving life condition," "campaigns," "learning productivity," and "volunteer." However, there are instances where simpler or more precise vocabulary could enhance clarity and sophistication.
- How to improve: While the essay displays a strong vocabulary base, there is room for improvement in terms of sophistication and precision. For instance, instead of using "many campaigns," consider specifying the types of campaigns, such as "community service initiatives" or "charitable endeavors." Additionally, employing synonyms or related terms can elevate the lexical richness without sacrificing clarity. Encourage exploring synonyms using a thesaurus or reading more diverse materials to expand vocabulary breadth.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary effectively, but there are instances where precision could be improved. For example, the phrase "a chance to develop students’s soft skills" could be more precisely articulated as "an opportunity to enhance students’ interpersonal skills and teamwork abilities." Additionally, the phrase "reduce poverty" could be refined to specify the particular aspects of poverty being addressed, such as "alleviating economic hardship" or "addressing social inequality."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, consider carefully selecting vocabulary that accurately conveys intended meanings. Avoid using overly general terms when more specific ones are available. Encourage utilizing domain-specific terminology relevant to the topic, which demonstrates a deeper understanding of the subject matter. Reviewing synonyms and antonyms can aid in identifying the most fitting word choices for expressing ideas concisely and accurately.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, with only minor errors observed. Instances such as "chosse" (choose) and "decided" appear to be typographical errors rather than systematic spelling mistakes. Overall, the majority of words are spelled correctly, contributing to clear communication.
- How to improve: While spelling errors are minimal, continued vigilance in proofreading and editing can further enhance spelling accuracy. Utilize spell-checking tools available in word processing software to identify and correct any misspelled words. Additionally, allocating dedicated time for revising written work can help catch any overlooked errors before submission. Practicing spelling through activities such as word games or spelling drills can also reinforce correct spelling patterns and reduce the likelihood of mistakes.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of sentence structures, incorporating simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the structures further to enhance coherence and fluency. The essay predominantly employs simple sentences, with occasional complex structures. For instance, "Being a volunteer require to communicate well to other people and involving teamwork, which help students developing their communication skill" showcases a compound sentence with a relative clause. However, there is a lack of variety in sentence structures throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To enrich the essay’s structure, consider integrating a more diverse range of sentence types, such as complex sentences with subordinate clauses, varied sentence lengths, and rhetorical devices like parallelism or inversion. This could enhance the essay’s sophistication and readability, providing a smoother flow of ideas for the reader.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy, but there are several instances of errors that affect clarity and precision. For example, "These days, numerous of people maintain that voluntary work should be chosen instead of working for money" contains errors in subject-verb agreement ("numerous of people" should be "numerous people"), and "Being a volunteer require to communicate well to other people and involving teamwork" lacks subject-verb agreement ("require" should be "requires"). Additionally, punctuation errors are evident, such as missing commas in compound sentences and inconsistent capitalization.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it’s crucial to review and practice subject-verb agreement rules, particularly in complex sentences. Additionally, pay close attention to punctuation rules, including the correct usage of commas for separating clauses and items in a series. Proofreading the essay carefully before submission can help identify and rectify such errors, contributing to clearer communication and a more polished writing style. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or tutors to pinpoint recurring grammatical issues and address them effectively.

Bài sửa mẫu

These days, many people argue that students should opt for voluntary work during long holidays instead of working for money. This is a point worth considering.

It is certainly true that engaging in voluntary work offers students a chance to develop their soft skills. Being a volunteer requires effective communication and teamwork, which help students enhance their interpersonal abilities. Additionally, voluntary work undeniably contributes to the noble cause of poverty reduction. Students, as abundant human resources, play a crucial role in improving living conditions for many. However, it is important to acknowledge that voluntary work demands a significant amount of time, sometimes leading to distractions from academic responsibilities. How can students manage to balance homework with their volunteer commitments? Moreover, voluntary work can be physically demanding and leave students feeling exhausted. Many campaigns entail long hours of work, resulting in fatigue and reduced productivity in academic studies.

On balance, I do not believe that students should choose voluntary work unless they are genuinely committed to being volunteers. It may be prudent for students to carefully weigh their options before making a decision.