Most countries aim to improve their standard of living through economic development, but many important social values can be lost as a result. Do the advantage of economic development outweigh the disadvantages?
Most countries aim to improve their standard of living through economic development, but many important social values can be lost as a result. Do the advantage of economic development outweigh the disadvantages?
One of the best ways to grow the basic life of people is improving economy, which is the most popular path every countries go forward. I believe every situation have its pros and cons, but the advantages of this trend too often outweigh the disadvantages.
One the one hand, there are some huge benefits that are brought by economic improvement. Firstly, people with a high income and the diversity of foods, infrastructure, decisions of education make them have more decisions. Thus, standards of daily life improve remarkable, which lead to growth of satisfaction and happiness. Secondly, when a nation with a firm finance foundation could do a lots of thing to help their citizen, for example, minimizing the number of poverty, handling the older with health care, allow every children go to school without fees, and so on.
On the other hand, there have a few problems when authority put too much their resouces to have a growth economy. Firstly, to be more rich, every people need to work harder and study harder, this could lead to be too competitive. They should work in moderation instead of being in busy and have no time to spend time for their relatives, which can be the next disadvantage. Secondly, the distant of people, between people in a family, in a workspace, especially in the rich and poor is more far, is the cause of social of happiness. These problems could be struggle to fix, however, authorities can put more effort to give labour laws and appropriate policy to restrict the pressure on employee.
In conclusion, economic development can bring some disadvantage to the citizens but the benefits outweigh problem, that is why a lot of countries or nation choose the way sustainable development in any field, including economy and finance.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"One of the best ways to grow the basic life of people is improving economy" -> "One of the most effective ways to enhance the basic quality of life is to improve the economy"
Explanation: "Enhance the basic quality of life" is more precise and formal than "grow the basic life of people," which is vague and awkwardly phrased. "Improve the economy" is also more specific and appropriate than "improving economy," which is grammatically incorrect. -
"which is the most popular path every countries go forward" -> "which is the most common approach that all countries pursue"
Explanation: "The most popular path every countries go forward" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "The most common approach that all countries pursue" corrects these issues and uses more formal language. -
"I believe every situation have its pros and cons" -> "I believe that every situation has its pros and cons"
Explanation: Adding "that" corrects the grammatical error and improves the flow of the sentence, making it more formal and clear. -
"the advantages of this trend too often outweigh the disadvantages" -> "the advantages of this trend frequently outweigh the disadvantages"
Explanation: "Frequently" is more precise and formal than "too often," which is somewhat colloquial and imprecise in an academic context. -
"One the one hand" -> "On the one hand"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error, ensuring proper punctuation and formality. -
"people with a high income and the diversity of foods, infrastructure, decisions of education make them have more decisions" -> "individuals with higher incomes and diverse food options, infrastructure, and educational opportunities have more choices"
Explanation: This revision clarifies and formalizes the original phrase, improving readability and precision. "Diverse food options, infrastructure, and educational opportunities" is more specific and academically appropriate than "the diversity of foods, infrastructure, decisions of education." -
"standards of daily life improve remarkable" -> "standards of daily life improve remarkably"
Explanation: Corrects a grammatical error, ensuring that "remarkably" is used correctly as an adverb. -
"a lots of thing" -> "many things"
Explanation: "A lots of thing" is grammatically incorrect. "Many things" is the correct form and is more formal. -
"allow every children go to school without fees" -> "allow all children to attend school without fees"
Explanation: "Allow all children to attend school without fees" is grammatically correct and more formal than "allow every children go to school without fees," which is awkward and incorrect. -
"there have a few problems" -> "there are a few problems"
Explanation: Corrects a grammatical error, replacing "have" with "are" to match the subject-verb agreement. -
"to be more rich" -> "to become richer"
Explanation: "To become richer" is grammatically correct and more formal than "to be more rich," which is awkward and incorrect. -
"They should work in moderation instead of being in busy" -> "They should work in moderation rather than being overly busy"
Explanation: "Rather than being overly busy" corrects the awkward phrasing and adds clarity and formality to the sentence. -
"the distant of people" -> "the distance between people"
Explanation: Corrects a grammatical error and clarifies the meaning, making it more precise and formal. -
"social of happiness" -> "social happiness"
Explanation: "Social happiness" is the correct phrase, whereas "social of happiness" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. -
"that is why a lot of countries or nation choose the way sustainable development" -> "that is why many countries choose sustainable development"
Explanation: "Many countries" is more precise and formal than "a lot of countries or nation," and "sustainable development" should not be modified with "the way," as it is a noun phrase already.
These changes enhance the formality, clarity, and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of economic development. The author acknowledges the benefits such as improved living standards and the ability of governments to support citizens through various programs. However, the disadvantages are less thoroughly explored, particularly in terms of how they relate to the loss of social values. The conclusion reiterates the belief that benefits outweigh the drawbacks, but it lacks a nuanced exploration of the social values that may be lost.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could explicitly identify and elaborate on specific social values that may be compromised due to economic development, such as community cohesion, mental health, or cultural heritage. Providing concrete examples or case studies would strengthen the argument and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the complexities involved.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that the advantages of economic development outweigh the disadvantages. This stance is maintained throughout the essay, although the reasoning could be more robust. The initial statement indicates a balanced view, but the subsequent arguments lean heavily towards the benefits without adequately addressing the counterarguments.
- How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the author should ensure that each paragraph not only presents benefits but also acknowledges and counters the disadvantages. This could involve using transitional phrases that reinforce the main argument while addressing opposing viewpoints, thus creating a more cohesive and persuasive narrative.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to economic development, such as increased income, improved infrastructure, and social welfare programs. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat superficial. For instance, the mention of "handling the older with health care" lacks specific examples or data to substantiate the claim. Additionally, the discussion of disadvantages is less developed, with vague references to competition and social distance.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the author should aim to provide specific examples, statistics, or studies that illustrate the points made. For instance, citing a country that has successfully balanced economic growth with social welfare could provide a stronger foundation for the argument. Additionally, expanding on the disadvantages with concrete examples would create a more balanced discussion.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the relationship between economic development and social values. However, there are moments where the discussion becomes slightly unfocused, particularly in the second paragraph where the phrasing is somewhat convoluted (e.g., "the distant of people, between people in a family"). This could confuse readers and detracts from the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that each sentence clearly relates to the central thesis. Simplifying complex phrases and ensuring clarity in expression will help keep the reader engaged and the argument coherent. Additionally, outlining the main points before writing could help in structuring the essay more effectively.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear position, it would benefit from deeper analysis, clearer examples, and a more balanced exploration of both sides of the argument.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both advantages and disadvantages, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the benefits of economic improvement to the drawbacks is somewhat abrupt. The introduction states a belief in the advantages outweighing disadvantages, but the body does not consistently reinforce this stance with clear connections between points.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should ensure that each paragraph clearly relates back to the thesis statement. Using topic sentences that summarize the main idea of each paragraph can help guide the reader. Additionally, employing transitional phrases such as "Conversely," or "In contrast," at the beginning of the second body paragraph would create a smoother transition between the advantages and disadvantages.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph addresses a distinct aspect of the argument, making it easier for the reader to follow. However, some paragraphs could be more focused. For example, the first body paragraph mixes several ideas about benefits without clear delineation, which can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, the writer should aim to focus each paragraph on a single main idea. For instance, the first body paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on economic benefits and another on social benefits. This would allow for more in-depth exploration of each point and improve clarity.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic use of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "On the one hand," and "On the other hand." However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some phrases are used repetitively. For instance, the phrase "Firstly" appears in both body paragraphs, which can make the writing feel formulaic rather than fluid. Additionally, some sentences lack clear connections, making it difficult to follow the argument.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, using "Moreover," "Additionally," or "Furthermore" to introduce new points can enhance the flow of ideas. Additionally, employing pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts can help create cohesion within and between sentences.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph focus, and the use of cohesive devices would enhance clarity and coherence, potentially raising the band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use varied expressions. Phrases like "improving economy," "high income," and "diversity of foods" show an effort to incorporate different terms. However, the vocabulary used is often repetitive, particularly with words like "improve" and "growth," which appear multiple times without variation. Additionally, phrases such as "the distant of people" and "the cause of social of happiness" indicate a limited range of expression.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should consider synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "improve," alternatives like "enhance," "boost," or "elevate" could be employed. Furthermore, incorporating more complex phrases or idiomatic expressions could enrich the essay. For example, instead of "high income," one might say "substantial earnings" or "considerable financial resources."
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, which can lead to confusion. For example, "the basic life of people" is vague and could be more accurately expressed as "the standard of living." Additionally, phrases like "a firm finance foundation" should be corrected to "a firm financial foundation." The phrase "the distant of people" is also unclear and should be rephrased to "the distance between people."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. This can be achieved by revising sentences for clarity and ensuring that terms are used in their correct context. For example, instead of "handling the older with health care," a clearer expression would be "providing healthcare for the elderly." Regularly consulting a thesaurus or vocabulary resources can also help in selecting more precise words.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that detract from its overall quality. For instance, "resouces" should be spelled "resources," and "a lots of thing" should be corrected to "a lot of things." Additionally, "authority" is used inappropriately in the plural context; it should be "authorities." Such errors can disrupt the flow of reading and affect the clarity of the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading of their work. Utilizing spell-check tools can help identify and correct errors before submission. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or flashcards can reinforce correct spelling habits. Reading extensively can also improve spelling as it familiarizes the writer with correct word forms and usages.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of vocabulary usage, there is significant room for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By focusing on expanding vocabulary, ensuring precise word choice, and enhancing spelling accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of "One the one hand" and "On the other hand" introduces contrasting ideas effectively. However, the overall range is limited, with many sentences being quite similar in structure, which can lead to a monotonous reading experience. For instance, phrases like "people with a high income and the diversity of foods, infrastructure, decisions of education make them have more decisions" could be restructured for clarity and variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should practice using different types of clauses (e.g., relative clauses, adverbial clauses) and varying sentence lengths. Incorporating more complex sentences and varying the order of information can create a more engaging narrative. For example, instead of saying "this could lead to be too competitive," the writer could say, "this may foster an overly competitive environment, which can be detrimental to personal relationships."
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors that affect clarity and coherence. For example, "every countries go forward" should be "every country goes forward," and "every situation have its pros and cons" should be "every situation has its pros and cons." Additionally, punctuation errors, such as missing commas and incorrect conjunction usage, detract from the overall readability. The phrase "the distant of people, between people in a family, in a workspace, especially in the rich and poor is more far" is awkwardly constructed and lacks proper punctuation.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper use of articles. Regular practice with grammar exercises and reviewing common grammatical rules can be beneficial. Furthermore, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors and ensuring that sentences are clearly structured will enhance overall clarity. For instance, breaking down long sentences into shorter, clearer ones can help avoid confusion and improve readability.
In conclusion, while the essay presents a clear argument and attempts to address the prompt, there is significant room for improvement in both grammatical range and accuracy. By diversifying sentence structures and focusing on grammatical correctness, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
One of the most effective ways to enhance the basic quality of life is to improve the economy, which is the most common approach that all countries pursue. I believe that every situation has its pros and cons, but the advantages of this trend frequently outweigh the disadvantages.
On the one hand, there are significant benefits brought about by economic improvement. Firstly, individuals with higher incomes and diverse food options, infrastructure, and educational opportunities have more choices. Thus, standards of daily life improve remarkably, leading to increased satisfaction and happiness. Secondly, when a nation has a solid financial foundation, it can do many things to help its citizens. For example, it can minimize the number of people living in poverty, provide healthcare for the elderly, and allow all children to attend school without fees.
On the other hand, there are a few problems that arise when authorities allocate too many resources towards economic growth. Firstly, to become richer, everyone needs to work harder and study more, which can lead to excessive competition. They should work in moderation rather than being overly busy and having no time to spend with their relatives, which can be another disadvantage. Secondly, the distance between people—whether in families, workplaces, or especially between the rich and poor—can contribute to a decline in social happiness. These issues can be challenging to address; however, authorities can make greater efforts to implement labor laws and appropriate policies to alleviate the pressure on employees.
In conclusion, while economic development can bring some disadvantages to citizens, the benefits outweigh the problems. That is why many countries choose sustainable development in various fields, including the economy and finance.