Most people have forgotten the meaning behind traditional and religious festivals; during festival periods, people nowadays only want to enjoy themselves. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

It has been observed that the values behind ancient and religious events are being lost as people divert their attention toward having fun during these festivals. Personally, this opinion is plausible to some extent, however, I also recognise the efforts that are still being made toward maintaining these values.
On the one hand, nations around the world are working to protect the meaning behind traditional events. Many programs have been launched to teach citizens of the significance of different customs and holidays, as well as the means with which they can use to better preserve it. For example, many state-funded schools in America have been incorporating monthly workshops and weekly lessons on the underlying meaning behind every popular festival in the country, along with clear instructions on what students could do to safeguard these traditions. This has led to many American pupils appreciating these customs more, and being more willing to preserve them.
On the other hand, I believe the meanings behind traditional festivals have decidedly dwindled. The first reason for this is the shift in the concept of festivals and holidays associated with these events. Rather understanding the past value and the meaning behind the traditional festival and events, contemporary citizens now tend to forsake those meanings and merely take these as a chance to break. Festivals such as Christmas or New Year are clear examples of this, which involve people being concerned with enjoying themselves through activities such as buying gifts, decorating their houses or getting together with their family, instead of practicing religion. The neglect of such an important practice is further worsened by the progress made in various fields such as transportation or technology, which have created new ways for entertainment, such as travel or video games. This has driven people far away from practicing traditions, which is detrimental for the process of preserving traditional and religious values.
In conclusion, I contend that ancient and spiritual events are losing their meaning as people are having new priorities and new forms of entertainment, albeit relentless attempts by educational institutions to re-enforce it. It can be predicted that this phenomenon will likely persist and exacerbate in the future, given the young’s interest in enjoying themselves.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"It has been observed that" -> "It is observed that"
Explanation: Removing "has been" simplifies the sentence structure, making it more direct and formal, which is preferred in academic writing.
"Personally, this opinion is plausible to some extent" -> "This perspective is plausible to some extent"
Explanation: Removing "Personally" avoids the informal tone and aligns better with academic style, which tends to focus on the argument rather than the author’s personal perspective.
"nations around the world are working" -> "countries worldwide are endeavoring"
Explanation: "Countries worldwide" is a more precise and formal term than "nations around the world," and "endeavoring" is a more formal verb choice than "working," fitting the academic tone better.
"Many programs have been launched" -> "Numerous initiatives have been implemented"
Explanation: "Numerous initiatives" is more specific and formal than "many programs," and "implemented" is a more precise term than "launched" in this context, suggesting a more deliberate and systematic effort.
"the means with which they can use to better preserve it" -> "the methods by which they can employ to better preserve them"
Explanation: "Methods by which" is more formal and precise than "means with which," and "employ" is more academically appropriate than "use" in this context, emphasizing the active involvement in preservation efforts.
"many American pupils" -> "numerous American students"
Explanation: "Students" is more formal and appropriate than "pupils" in an academic context, and "numerous" is preferred over "many" for a more formal tone.
"decidedly dwindled" -> "significantly diminished"
Explanation: "Significantly diminished" is a more precise and formal expression than "decidedly dwindled," which is somewhat colloquial and less commonly used in academic writing.
"forsake those meanings and merely take these as a chance to break" -> "neglect these meanings and instead view these as opportunities for leisure"
Explanation: "Neglect" is more precise and formal than "forsake," and "view as opportunities for leisure" is clearer and more formal than "take as a chance to break," which is vague and informal.
"getting together with their family" -> "reuniting with their families"
Explanation: "Reuniting with their families" is a more formal and specific phrase than "getting together with their family," which is too casual for academic writing.
"which have created new ways for entertainment" -> "which have introduced new forms of entertainment"
Explanation: "Introduced new forms of entertainment" is more specific and formal than "created new ways for entertainment," aligning better with academic style.
"It can be predicted that this phenomenon will likely persist and exacerbate in the future" -> "It is likely that this phenomenon will persist and intensify in the future"
Explanation: "It is likely" is a more formal expression than "It can be predicted," and "intensify" is a more precise term than "exacerbate" in this context, enhancing the academic tone.
"the young’s interest in enjoying themselves" -> "the youth’s interest in leisure activities"
Explanation: "The youth’s interest in leisure activities" is more formal and precise than "the young’s interest in enjoying themselves," which is informal and vague.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by acknowledging both sides of the argument regarding the loss of meaning in traditional and religious festivals. The author states a personal stance that partially agrees with the opinion, which is a good approach to engage with the complexity of the issue. The examples provided, such as educational programs in America, illustrate efforts to maintain traditional values, while the discussion on modern distractions highlights the opposing view. However, the essay could benefit from a clearer delineation of the extent to which the author agrees or disagrees, as the phrase "to some extent" is vague and does not fully clarify the position.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the author should explicitly state the degree of agreement or disagreement at the beginning and reinforce it throughout the essay. A more definitive stance would help the reader understand the author’s perspective better.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that acknowledges both the preservation efforts and the decline in traditional values. However, the position could be clearer. The phrase "this opinion is plausible to some extent" introduces ambiguity, which may confuse readers about the author’s true stance. The conclusion reiterates the loss of meaning but does not strongly affirm the initial position.
- How to improve: The author should maintain a consistent tone throughout the essay. A clear thesis statement in the introduction that outlines the extent of agreement or disagreement would help. Additionally, using phrases like "I strongly believe" or "I completely disagree" can reinforce the author’s position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the loss of meaning in festivals, supported by examples such as educational initiatives and the impact of modern entertainment. The examples are relevant and provide a good foundation for the arguments. However, the development of some ideas is somewhat superficial. For instance, while the author mentions the shift in focus during festivals, there could be more exploration of how this shift affects cultural identity or community bonds.
- How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the author should aim to elaborate on key points with additional examples or explanations. For instance, discussing specific cultural impacts or providing statistics on participation in traditional practices could enhance the depth of the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the loss of meaning in traditional festivals and the reasons behind it. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, particularly in the discussion about modern entertainment options, which could be more directly tied back to the main argument about festivals.
- How to improve: The author should ensure that every paragraph directly relates back to the central argument. Using topic sentences that clearly connect back to the thesis can help maintain focus. Additionally, summarizing how each point supports the overall argument in the conclusion would reinforce the essay’s coherence.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, it would benefit from a clearer position, deeper exploration of ideas, and a more consistent focus on the prompt throughout.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and logical structure, with a well-defined introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively outlines the writer’s stance, while each body paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the efforts to preserve traditional values, and the second body paragraph highlights the decline of these values. This logical progression helps the reader follow the argument easily.
- How to improve: To enhance the logical flow further, the writer could consider using more explicit transitional phrases between ideas and paragraphs. For example, phrases like "In addition," or "Conversely," could help clarify the relationship between the points being made, ensuring that the reader can easily navigate through the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first paragraph introduces the topic and the writer’s viewpoint, while the subsequent paragraphs delve into supporting arguments. The paragraphing is clear and aids in the overall readability of the essay.
- How to improve: While the paragraphing is generally effective, the writer could enhance the topic sentences of each paragraph to more clearly indicate the main idea being discussed. For instance, the first body paragraph could start with a sentence that explicitly states the importance of educational efforts in preserving traditional values, thereby providing a clearer roadmap for the reader.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand," "For example," and "In conclusion." These devices help to connect ideas and guide the reader through the argument. The use of cohesive devices contributes to the overall coherence of the essay, allowing for a smooth reading experience.
- How to improve: To further diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer could incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, using devices like "Furthermore," "Moreover," or "However," can add depth to the argument and enhance the flow of ideas. Additionally, varying the placement of these devices can help maintain the reader’s engagement and prevent the writing from becoming repetitive.

Overall, the essay demonstrates strong coherence and cohesion, meriting a high band score. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can achieve an even more polished and effective argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "divert," "plausible," "significance," and "dwindled." However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied or sophisticated. For example, phrases like "having fun" and "enjoying themselves" are somewhat repetitive and simplistic. The use of "many programs have been launched" could be enhanced with synonyms or more complex structures to show a wider lexical range.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should consider using synonyms or more descriptive phrases. For instance, instead of repeating "enjoying themselves," alternatives like "reveling in leisure" or "indulging in festivities" could add variety. Additionally, incorporating more academic or formal vocabulary related to cultural preservation and societal change would elevate the essay’s tone.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary correctly, but there are moments of imprecision. For instance, the phrase "the shift in the concept of festivals" could be more clearly articulated. The term "forsake" is used correctly, but the context could be clearer; it may imply a stronger abandonment than intended. The phrase "the neglect of such an important practice" could also be misinterpreted as suggesting that the practice is entirely forgotten, rather than merely diminished in importance.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should aim to clarify their statements. For example, instead of saying "the shift in the concept of festivals," they could specify what this shift entails, such as "the commercialization of festivals." Additionally, using phrases like "has diminished" instead of "forsake" can convey the intended meaning more accurately without overstating the situation.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a good level of spelling accuracy, with no significant errors that impede understanding. Words such as "transportation," "technology," and "traditions" are spelled correctly. However, there is a minor error in the phrase "the young’s interest," which could be more clearly expressed as "the interest of young people."
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, focusing on common pitfalls such as possessive forms and pluralization. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch any overlooked errors. Additionally, practicing spelling challenging words and phrases can further solidify their spelling skills.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of vocabulary usage, there are opportunities for improvement in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By diversifying vocabulary, clarifying meanings, and carefully proofreading, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases such as "Many programs have been launched to teach citizens of the significance of different customs and holidays," which effectively conveys multiple ideas in one sentence. Additionally, the essay employs conditional structures, such as "if students could do to safeguard these traditions," which adds depth. However, there are instances of repetitive structure, particularly in the second body paragraph, where several sentences begin with "The first reason for this is…" and "Instead of…" This can detract from the overall fluency and engagement of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more compound-complex sentences and use different introductory phrases. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "The first reason for this is," the writer could use alternatives like "One contributing factor is…" or "Another aspect to consider is…". Additionally, varying the placement of clauses within sentences can create a more dynamic flow.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with minor errors that do not impede understanding. For instance, the phrase "rather understanding the past value" should be "rather than understanding the past value," indicating a small grammatical oversight. Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are a few areas where commas could enhance clarity, such as before "however" in the first sentence of the introduction. The use of commas in lists is also inconsistent, as seen in "buying gifts, decorating their houses or getting together with their family," where a comma before "or" (Oxford comma) could improve clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should proofread for common errors, particularly in conjunctions and prepositions. Practicing sentence restructuring can help avoid confusion in meaning. For punctuation, the writer should review rules regarding the use of commas in complex sentences and lists, ensuring consistent application throughout the essay. Engaging in exercises focused on punctuation can also be beneficial.

Overall, the essay exhibits a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, but with targeted improvements in sentence variety and grammatical precision, the writer could elevate their score further.

Bài sửa mẫu

On the one hand, countries worldwide are endeavoring to protect the meaning behind traditional events. Numerous initiatives have been implemented to teach citizens the significance of different customs and holidays, as well as the methods by which they can employ to better preserve them. For example, many state-funded schools in America have been incorporating monthly workshops and weekly lessons on the underlying meaning behind every popular festival in the country, along with clear instructions on what students could do to safeguard these traditions. This has led to numerous American students appreciating these customs more and being more willing to preserve them.

On the other hand, I believe the meanings behind traditional festivals have decidedly diminished. The first reason for this is the shift in the concept of festivals and holidays associated with these events. Rather than understanding the past value and the meaning behind traditional festivals, contemporary citizens now tend to neglect these meanings and instead view these as opportunities for leisure. Festivals such as Christmas or New Year are clear examples of this, which involve people being concerned with enjoying themselves through activities such as buying gifts, decorating their houses, or reuniting with their families, instead of practicing religion. The neglect of such an important practice is further worsened by the progress made in various fields such as transportation and technology, which have introduced new forms of entertainment, such as travel or video games. This has driven people far away from practicing traditions, which is detrimental to the process of preserving traditional and religious values.

In conclusion, I contend that ancient and spiritual events are losing their meaning as people have new priorities and new forms of entertainment, albeit relentless attempts by educational institutions to reinforce it. It is likely that this phenomenon will persist and intensify in the future, given the youth’s interest in leisure activities.