new technologies have changed the way children spend their free time do the advantages overweight the disadvantages

The development of technology have affected the way children spend they leisure time . although it cause to children some adiverses , I completly believe that the advantages are enormous
On the one hand , it is understandable why some options that there would be a lot of disadvantages brought to children spending time with technology devices in their free times . at the first place , children spending excessive screentime could have many physical health problems .this is because new technology devices are fascinated with children so they could spend about many hours sitting constantly in front of the screen instead of hang out to play with friends .as a result , they could face with neckage , eyesore of even malnutrition . secondly , many mental health problems would be brought to children using technology devices frequently . it can be explained by the fact that violent content are currently spread on the internet such as in games , social media or youtube videos . this tendency would to ward children to have toxic thinking or activities . this is the reason why some parents do not allow their children to use smart devices
On the other hand , there are a variety of reasons why I strongly believe that new technologies have enormous benefit on the way children using their free times . firstly , technology devices would be a great way for children to be a timekiller in their leisure times . indeed, if children are tought by parents or teacher to use technologies by the right way , it would be an efficient learning method . for instance, many apps such as doulingo helps children to have funny times but both learn to pronounce English words . furthermore , using new technologies would bring children many advantages for their future.this is because technology would be more and more improving and having gaint influence on peope’s life so a person who have used it since childhood and have had experiences with it , would have more benefits in finding jobs or daily life
In conclusion, while new technologies causes some bad effects on children’s leisure activities , I strongly believe that the advantages would outweght the disadvantages

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The development of technology have" -> "The development of technology has"
Explanation: Correcting the verb agreement from "have" to "has" aligns with the singular subject "development of technology," enhancing grammatical accuracy in formal writing.
"spend they leisure time" -> "spend their leisure time"
Explanation: Correcting "they" to "their" fixes the possessive form, ensuring proper grammatical structure and clarity.
"it cause to children some adiverses" -> "it causes children various disadvantages"
Explanation: Changing "cause" to "causes" corrects the verb tense, and "adiverses" to "various disadvantages" corrects the spelling and uses a more precise term.
"I completly believe" -> "I completely believe"
Explanation: Correcting "completly" to "completely" fixes a spelling error, enhancing the professionalism of the text.
"some options that there would be a lot of disadvantages" -> "some argue that there are numerous disadvantages"
Explanation: Replacing "some options that there would be a lot of disadvantages" with "some argue that there are numerous disadvantages" clarifies the sentence structure and uses more precise language.
"at the first place" -> "initially"
Explanation: Replacing "at the first place" with "initially" simplifies and formalizes the phrase.
"hang out to play with friends" -> "spend time playing with friends"
Explanation: Changing "hang out to play with friends" to "spend time playing with friends" uses more formal language and corrects the prepositional phrase.
"face with neckage" -> "face neck strain"
Explanation: Correcting "face with neckage" to "face neck strain" fixes a spelling error and uses a more precise medical term.
"eyesore of even malnutrition" -> "eye strain and malnutrition"
Explanation: Replacing "eyesore of even malnutrition" with "eye strain and malnutrition" corrects the misuse of "eyesore" and clarifies the health issues mentioned.
"would to ward children" -> "would ward off children"
Explanation: Correcting "would to ward children" to "would ward off children" fixes a grammatical error and enhances clarity.
"to be a timekiller" -> "to serve as a time-killer"
Explanation: Changing "to be a timekiller" to "to serve as a time-killer" uses a more formal and precise phrase.
"tought by parents or teacher" -> "taught by parents or teachers"
Explanation: Correcting "tought" to "taught" fixes a spelling error, and adding "s" to "teacher" corrects the plural form.
"having gaint influence" -> "having a great influence"
Explanation: Correcting "having gaint" to "having a great" fixes a spelling error and enhances readability.
"outweght" -> "outweigh"
Explanation: Correcting "outweght" to "outweigh" fixes a spelling error, ensuring the correct term is used in the context of comparison.

These changes improve the essay’s grammatical accuracy, clarity, and adherence to formal academic style.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of new technologies in relation to how children spend their free time. The writer acknowledges the negative impacts, such as physical and mental health issues, and contrasts these with the benefits, including educational opportunities and future job prospects. However, the exploration of disadvantages is somewhat limited and could be more balanced with the advantages.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that both sides are explored in equal depth. This could involve providing more specific examples of disadvantages, perhaps by discussing the impact of technology on social skills or outdoor activities. Additionally, a clearer comparison of the magnitude of the advantages versus disadvantages would strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the advantages of technology outweigh the disadvantages. This stance is evident in both the introduction and conclusion. However, the transition between discussing disadvantages and advantages could be smoother, as the shift feels abrupt and may confuse readers about the overall argument.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer could use transitional phrases to signal shifts in argument more effectively. For example, phrases like "Despite these concerns" or "Conversely" could help guide the reader through the argument and reinforce the overall position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the potential for technology to aid learning and the risks associated with excessive screen time. However, some points lack sufficient development. For instance, the mention of "toxic thinking" due to exposure to violent content is introduced but not fully explored or supported with examples.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with specific examples and evidence. For instance, when discussing educational apps, providing statistics on their effectiveness or citing studies could add credibility. Additionally, expanding on the negative impacts with more detailed examples would create a more balanced argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on how new technologies affect children’s leisure time. However, there are moments where the discussion becomes slightly vague or off-topic, particularly in the second paragraph where the phrase "timekiller" is used, which could be misinterpreted or seen as informal.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made are directly relevant to the prompt. Avoiding informal language and ensuring that all terms used are clear and appropriate for an academic essay will help keep the discussion on track. Additionally, creating a clear outline before writing can help ensure that all points are relevant and well-organized.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in depth, clarity, and organization could elevate the score further.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The arguments are generally organized, with the first paragraph discussing disadvantages and the second focusing on advantages. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition between discussing disadvantages and advantages could be smoother to enhance the reader’s understanding of the contrast between the two sides.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences for each paragraph that directly state the main idea. Additionally, employing transitional phrases such as "Conversely" or "On the contrary" at the beginning of the second body paragraph could help signal the shift from disadvantages to advantages more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. However, the internal structure of the paragraphs could be more refined. For example, the first body paragraph contains multiple ideas that could be better separated into distinct sentences or even sub-points, which would improve clarity.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph contains a clear topic sentence followed by supporting sentences that elaborate on that idea. Consider breaking down complex sentences into simpler ones to enhance readability. For instance, the sentence discussing physical health problems could be split into two sentences for clarity.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which effectively signal the contrasting arguments. However, there is a limited range of cohesive devices used throughout the essay. For example, the use of conjunctions and linking words is somewhat repetitive, and there are instances where the connections between ideas could be made clearer.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Moreover" when adding points, and "However," "Nevertheless," or "Despite this" when presenting counterarguments. Additionally, ensure that pronouns and synonyms are used effectively to avoid repetition and enhance the flow of ideas.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices could elevate the score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use varied expressions. Terms such as "physical health problems," "mental health problems," and "toxic thinking" indicate a grasp of relevant vocabulary related to the topic. However, phrases like "timekiller" and "fascinated with children" are informal and somewhat vague, which detracts from the overall lexical range.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate more sophisticated synonyms and phrases. For instance, instead of "timekiller," consider using "entertainment" or "distraction." Additionally, replacing "fascinated with" with "captivated by" or "engrossed in" would elevate the language quality.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "children spending excessive screentime could have many physical health problems" could be more accurately expressed as "excessive screen time can lead to various physical health issues." The use of "adiverses" is incorrect and should be "adverse effects." Furthermore, "this tendency would to ward children" is awkward and unclear.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys the intended meaning. It is advisable to revise sentences for clarity and correctness. For example, instead of saying "this tendency would to ward children," it could be revised to "this tendency may lead children to develop harmful thought patterns." Regular practice with synonyms and context-appropriate phrases will also help.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "completly" (should be "completely"), "adiverses" (should be "adverse"), "neckage" (should be "neck pain"), "eyesore" (should be "eye strain"), "tought" (should be "taught"), "doulingo" (should be "Duolingo"), "giant" (should be "significant"), and "outweght" (should be "outweigh"). These errors impede readability and detract from the overall impression of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular spelling practice, perhaps by using flashcards or spelling apps. Additionally, proofreading the essay multiple times before submission can help catch spelling mistakes. Utilizing tools like spell checkers or grammar checking software can also be beneficial in identifying and correcting errors.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and attempts to use varied vocabulary, there are significant areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. Focusing on these aspects will help elevate the essay to a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. For instance, the writer primarily relies on simple and compound sentences, such as "On the one hand, it is understandable why some options that there would be a lot of disadvantages brought to children spending time with technology devices in their free times." This sentence is overly complex and convoluted, which detracts from clarity. Additionally, the use of phrases like "it can be explained by the fact that" indicates a reliance on formulaic expressions rather than varied sentence constructions.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences, such as those using subordinate clauses or varied conjunctions. For example, instead of saying "this is because new technology devices are fascinated with children," the writer could say, "because new technology devices fascinate children, they often spend excessive hours in front of screens." Practicing the use of relative clauses and conditional sentences can also add variety and sophistication to the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains numerous grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity and coherence. For example, "The development of technology have affected" should be "has affected," indicating subject-verb agreement. Additionally, phrases like "children spending excessive screentime could have many physical health problems" lack clarity due to awkward phrasing. Punctuation errors, such as missing commas after introductory phrases and before conjunctions, further complicate the reading experience. For instance, "although it cause to children some adiverses" should be punctuated correctly and rephrased for clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of tenses. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on common errors, can be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation errors before submission can help catch mistakes. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also aid in identifying and correcting errors in real-time.

Overall, while the essay presents a relevant argument regarding the impact of technology on children’s leisure time, enhancing grammatical range and accuracy through varied sentence structures and careful attention to grammar and punctuation will significantly improve the quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The development of technology has affected the way children spend their leisure time. Although it causes children various disadvantages, I completely believe that the advantages are enormous.

On the one hand, it is understandable why some argue that there are numerous disadvantages brought to children spending time with technology devices in their free time. Initially, children spending excessive screen time could have many physical health problems. This is because new technology devices are fascinating to children, so they could spend many hours sitting constantly in front of the screen instead of hanging out to play with friends. As a result, they could face neck strain, eye strain, or even malnutrition. Secondly, many mental health problems could be caused by children using technology devices frequently. This can be explained by the fact that violent content is currently spread on the internet, such as in games, social media, or YouTube videos. This tendency could ward off children from developing healthy thinking or activities. This is the reason why some parents do not allow their children to use smart devices.

On the other hand, there are a variety of reasons why I strongly believe that new technologies have enormous benefits for the way children spend their free time. Firstly, technology devices can serve as a time-killer for children in their leisure time. Indeed, if children are taught by parents or teachers to use technology in the right way, it could be an efficient learning method. For instance, many apps such as Duolingo help children have fun while also learning to pronounce English words. Furthermore, using new technologies would bring children many advantages for their future. This is because technology will continue to improve and have a great influence on people’s lives, so a person who has used it since childhood and gained experience with it would have more benefits in finding jobs or in daily life.

In conclusion, while new technologies cause some bad effects on children’s leisure activities, I strongly believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.