Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor.
Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

It is concerned that a majority of people these days opt for self-treatment at home using unprescribed pills and therapies rather than having a frequent check-up in hospital. From my perspective, this tendency, albeit considered helpful to some extent, can pose a threat to people’s wellbeing and so should be mitigated amongst the locals.

Granted, one might argue that in terms of home treatment, patients supposedly derive multiple therapeutic effects owing to this medical approach. A good case of this is the fact that many residents in Vietnam resort to traditional medicines to seek a way to cure ailments and even chronic diseases using natural materials and methods; as a result, those types of natural pills help mitigate the symptoms of the diseases and promise a fundamental way of treatment to maintain well-being. This is not to mention the reduced cost of receiving therapies at home, helping patients save a considerable amount of money for medication. However, a strong counterargument would be that people would not be able to receive the most tailored medical regimes if they did not spend enough money and effort on curing their illness. What is more, treatments using conventional methods appear to be a temporary approach of reducing the symptoms of the diseases; thus, in a bid to completely deal with diseases, patients must ask for medical attention from doctors and experts.

To add further credence to my assertion, it is highly suggested that every patient inquires medical intervention from hospitals and medical centers with a view to fundamentally confronting their diseases and illnesses. This is justified by the fact that most chronic diseases such as cancer and diabetes can only be treated owing to the effects of special drugs and therapies associated with well-advanced facilities and infrastructures, which can solely be provided by most hospitals. Additionally, experts and doctors, who are specialized in their expertise, could offer patients effective personalized treatments that greatly facilitate their recoveries, which is far more efficient than self-treatment. Perhaps the most optimal solution is the combination of both conventional treatment and modern therapies in dealing with medical issues, plus a well-adjusted medical scheme from local authorities and the consciousness of patients, thereby improving the overall well-being of the local community.

In conclusion, given the fact that home treatment is surging at a staggering rate, official therapies from medical centers and experts should not be deliberately neglected regarding the uprise of diseases amongst society.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "It is concerned that" -> "It is believed that"
   Explanation: "It is concerned that" is grammatically incorrect. "It is believed that" is the correct form, which is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.

2. "opt for self-treatment at home using unprescribed pills and therapies" -> "choose self-treatment at home using unprescribed medications and therapies"
   Explanation: "Opt for" is somewhat informal and vague; "choose" is more precise. "Unprescribed pills" should be "unprescribed medications" for accuracy and formality.

3. "albeit considered helpful to some extent" -> "although considered helpful to some extent"
   Explanation: "Albeit" is less commonly used in formal academic writing; "although" is more straightforward and appropriate.

4. "pose a threat to people’s wellbeing" -> "pose a threat to individuals’ well-being"
   Explanation: "People’s wellbeing" is less formal; "individuals’ well-being" is more precise and formal.

5. "mitigated amongst the locals" -> "mitigated among the local population"
   Explanation: "Mitigated amongst the locals" is awkward and informal; "mitigated among the local population" is clearer and more formal.

6. "supposedly derive multiple therapeutic effects" -> "are believed to derive multiple therapeutic benefits"
   Explanation: "Supposedly" is informal and less precise; "are believed to" is more academically appropriate.

7. "using natural materials and methods" -> "utilizing natural materials and methods"
   Explanation: "Using" is somewhat informal; "utilizing" is more formal and precise.

8. "promise a fundamental way of treatment" -> "offer a fundamental approach to treatment"
   Explanation: "Promise" is too vague and informal; "offer" is more precise and suitable for formal writing.

9. "What is more" -> "Furthermore"
   Explanation: "What is more" is informal and conversational; "Furthermore" is a more formal transitional phrase.

10. "appear to be a temporary approach of reducing" -> "seem to be a temporary approach to reducing"
    Explanation: "Approach of reducing" is grammatically incorrect; "approach to reducing" is grammatically correct and formal.

11. "in a bid to completely deal with diseases" -> "in order to fully address diseases"
    Explanation: "In a bid to" is informal and less precise; "in order to" is more formal and clear.

12. "inquires medical intervention" -> "seek medical intervention"
    Explanation: "Inquires" is less common in this context; "seek" is more direct and appropriate for formal writing.

13. "well-advanced facilities and infrastructures" -> "advanced facilities and infrastructure"
    Explanation: "Well-advanced" is not a standard term; "advanced" is sufficient and more formal.

14. "could offer patients effective personalized treatments" -> "can provide patients with effective personalized treatments"
    Explanation: "Could offer" is less definitive; "can provide" is more assertive and formal.

15. "surging at a staggering rate" -> "increasing at a rapid rate"
    Explanation: "Surging" is somewhat informal and vague; "increasing at a rapid rate" is more precise and formal.

16. "official therapies from medical centers and experts" -> "professional therapies from medical centers and healthcare experts"
    Explanation: "Official" is vague; "professional" is more specific and appropriate in this context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the prompt, discussing the positive aspects of alternative medicines (cost-effectiveness, natural treatments) and the potential drawbacks (lack of tailored medical regimes, need for specialized interventions). It explores the implications of relying on alternative treatments versus traditional medical care.
  • How to improve: While the essay covers both perspectives, it could enhance clarity by explicitly stating whether the author views this trend as positive or negative in the introduction and conclusion.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance that while alternative treatments have some benefits, they should not replace conventional medical care entirely. This position is supported consistently throughout the essay.
  • How to improve: To strengthen clarity, the author could reinforce their position more explicitly in the introduction and conclusion, ensuring there is no ambiguity about their viewpoint.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas clearly, such as the benefits of alternative medicine (cost-saving, natural remedies) and supports these with examples (Vietnamese traditional medicine). However, some ideas could be further developed to provide deeper analysis and insight.
  • How to improve: To extend ideas, the author should delve deeper into specific examples or studies that illustrate the effectiveness or drawbacks of alternative medicine compared to conventional treatments. This would enrich the discussion and provide a more nuanced perspective.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, discussing the choice between alternative and conventional medicine in response to health problems. There are moments where the focus shifts slightly, such as when discussing chronic diseases broadly, but these deviations are relatively minor.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that each paragraph consistently ties back to the central argument of whether relying on alternative medicine instead of conventional medical care is positive or negative.

Overall, the essay effectively addresses the prompt by examining the shift towards alternative medicine and its implications. To improve, it would benefit from clearer positioning at the outset and stronger development of ideas with specific examples or evidence. These adjustments would enhance coherence and depth, potentially raising the score to a higher band level.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear organizational structure with an introduction, body paragraphs presenting arguments and counterarguments, and a conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the topic, contributing to a coherent flow of ideas. For instance, the introduction sets up the discussion about alternative medicines, followed by paragraphs that present supporting and opposing viewpoints logically.
  • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider refining topic sentences in each paragraph to more explicitly guide the reader through the essay’s argumentative structure. Ensure that each paragraph builds upon the previous one, reinforcing the central thesis effectively.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively to organize ideas into distinct units of thought. Each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details and examples that develop the main idea.
  • How to improve: While the essay uses paragraphs appropriately, ensure consistency in paragraph length to maintain balance throughout the essay. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones where necessary, especially to highlight contrasting viewpoints more clearly.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: Cohesive devices such as transition words ("however," "furthermore," "thus") and referencing ("this," "that") are utilized to connect ideas within and across paragraphs. These devices contribute to the coherence of the essay by signaling relationships between sentences and paragraphs.
  • How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used to enhance the flow of ideas. Introduce more advanced cohesive devices such as cohesive chains (e.g., using pronouns to refer back to earlier arguments) and parallel structures to strengthen connections between ideas and improve overall coherence.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, earning a Band 6 score. To progress to a higher band score, focus on refining topic sentences for clearer guidance, maintaining paragraph coherence through consistent length, and expanding the repertoire of cohesive devices for smoother transitions and more nuanced connections between ideas. This will further strengthen the essay’s overall coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary. There are instances where specific terminology related to medical treatments ("chronic diseases," "therapies," "medical regimes") and contrasting ideas ("conventional treatment," "modern therapies") are effectively used. However, there is a tendency towards repetitive use of certain phrases ("home treatment," "medical centers"), which limits the variety.
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, aim for greater diversity in vocabulary. Instead of frequently using general terms like "home treatment," consider employing synonyms or more precise terms such as "self-administered therapies" or "alternative medicinal practices." This will enrich the lexical variety and demonstrate a wider breadth of vocabulary.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are instances where the precision could be improved. For example, phrases like "official therapies" are used ambiguously and could benefit from more specific terms such as "evidence-based treatments" or "clinical interventions." On the other hand, terms like "chronic diseases" and "conventional methods" are used accurately to convey specific meanings.
  • How to improve: To achieve greater precision, carefully consider the exact meaning conveyed by each word or phrase. Avoid using broad terms that could be interpreted in multiple ways. Instead, opt for terms that precisely capture the intended meaning within the context of healthcare and treatment.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: Spelling is generally accurate throughout the essay, with no major errors observed. Common medical terms and complex vocabulary are spelled correctly, demonstrating a good level of accuracy.
  • How to improve: Maintain the current standard of spelling accuracy by continuing to review and revise writing for spelling errors. Pay attention to specific medical terminology and ensure consistent correctness across all parts of the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of vocabulary suitable for an IELTS Band 6 score, further enhancing lexical variety and precision would strengthen the overall lexical resource score. Additionally, maintaining the current level of spelling accuracy will contribute positively to the essay’s coherence and readability.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences, conditional clauses, and relative clauses. For instance, it effectively uses conditional structures like "if they did not spend enough money and effort on curing their illness" and complex sentences such as "Granted, one might argue that in terms of home treatment, patients supposedly derive multiple therapeutic effects owing to this medical approach."
  • How to improve: To enhance effectiveness, consider incorporating more rhetorical devices like rhetorical questions or parallel structures where appropriate. This could further engage the reader and add depth to the argument.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy. Complex sentences are generally well-structured, and punctuation is used correctly to clarify meaning. For instance, "What is more, treatments using conventional methods appear to be a temporary approach of reducing the symptoms of the diseases; thus, in a bid to completely deal with diseases, patients must ask for medical attention from doctors and experts."
  • How to improve: To further refine accuracy, pay attention to subject-verb agreement in more complex sentences, ensuring consistency throughout. Additionally, review the use of commas in complex lists or clauses to ensure clarity and precision.

This essay effectively addresses the prompt with a structured argument that balances both positive and negative aspects of the issue. The vocabulary is precise and appropriate for an academic context, contributing to coherence and cohesion. Continuing to refine sentence structure variety and grammatical accuracy will support further improvement towards an even higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is believed that a growing number of individuals nowadays choose self-treatment at home using unprescribed medications and therapies, rather than seeking regular medical check-ups at hospitals. While this trend is considered helpful to some extent, it poses a potential threat to individuals’ well-being and should be carefully managed within the community.

It is true that many people find multiple therapeutic benefits in utilizing natural materials and methods for their health issues. For instance, in Vietnam, traditional medicines are widely embraced as they offer a fundamental approach to treatment, effectively alleviating symptoms and maintaining well-being at a reduced cost. However, it’s essential to recognize that these treatments often provide only temporary relief, necessitating professional medical intervention to fully address diseases and ensure long-term health.

Furthermore, seeking medical assistance from hospitals and healthcare experts is crucial for tackling serious illnesses comprehensively. Conditions like cancer and diabetes require specialized drugs and advanced therapies available only in medical centers equipped with modern facilities and infrastructure. Medical professionals can offer personalized treatments that significantly enhance recovery outcomes, surpassing the efficacy of self-administered therapies.

In conclusion, while the popularity of home treatments is increasing, it is imperative not to overlook the importance of professional medical care provided by hospitals and healthcare experts. Combining conventional treatments with modern therapies under a well-structured medical framework is the optimal approach to improving overall community health.

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This revision aims to enhance clarity and grammatical accuracy while maintaining the original structure and vocabulary level suitable for an IELTS learner. If you have any specific adjustments or further refinements in mind, feel free to let me know!