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Nowadays, as role models, famous people have increasing influence on the young . Is it a posit negative development

Nowadays, as role models, famous people have increasing influence on the young . Is it a posit negative development

It is contended that the younger generation are largely influenced by celebrities. From my perspective, this trend is totally positive due to the fact that renowned figures have to undergo comprehensive training to uphold behavioral standards and their talents serve as a source of inspiration for the youth.

While some may argue that famous individuals are often seen as upholders of strong ethical principles, a closer look reveals the concrete impact of training. For instance, renowned personalities like Angelina Jolie and Leonardo DiCaprio actively use their fame to advocate for environmental conservation, demonstrating a commitment to ethical values instilled through their training. This goes beyond mere table manners or postures, showcasing a tangible positive influence on society. Moreover, social media platforms, such as Facebook, serve as powerful tools to showcase positive habits, like sustainable eating and rigorous exercise. For instance, Gisele Bundchan, a well-known model, frequently shares her plant-based diet and workout routines on Instagram, inspiring millions to adopt healthier lifestyles. This not only emphasizes the positive influence of celebrities but also illustrates the real-world impact of their habits on adolescents.

Apart from becoming a motivation for young generations to follow moral values, they are also admired by their gifts. Celebrities achieve their celebrity primarily through their expertise in diverse domains. Take, for example, Elon Musk, whose fame is derived from his groundbreaking work in technology and innovation. While instances of dramas and scandals exist, the majority of renowned figures, like Musk, achieve recognition through unceasing dedication and a commitment to excellence, setting a positive example for aspiring individuals. Moreover, in Vietnam, for instance, Ninh Duong Lan Ngoc, a famous actress, exemplifies dedication to her craft. Despite being born into a finally disadvantaged family and lacking access to acting opportunities, She ultimately received the Best Actress of the Year award for her authentic and compelling acting. This illustrates that success is achievable through genuine effort and the pursuit of excellence.

In conclusion, I believe that it is advantageous for the young to look up to celebrities. These well-known individuals not only adhere to behavior standards that are worthwhile for adolescents to emulate but also serve as models for ambitious efforts and a brighter future.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is contended that the younger generation are largely influenced by celebrities." -> "It is argued that the younger generation is significantly influenced by celebrities."
    Explanation: Replacing "contended" with "argued" and changing "are largely" to "is significantly" enhances formality and clarity in expressing the viewpoint.

  2. "From my perspective, this trend is totally positive due to the fact that renowned figures have to undergo comprehensive training to uphold behavioral standards and their talents serve as a source of inspiration for the youth." -> "From my perspective, this trend is decidedly positive because prominent figures undergo extensive training to uphold behavioral standards, and their talents serve as a source of inspiration for the youth."
    Explanation: Substituting "totally" with "decidedly" and restructuring the sentence for clarity improves formality, and the use of "because" enhances the logical flow of the argument.

  3. "While some may argue that famous individuals are often seen as upholders of strong ethical principles, a closer look reveals the concrete impact of training." -> "While some may argue that renowned individuals are frequently perceived as champions of robust ethical principles, a closer examination reveals the tangible impact of their training."
    Explanation: Replacing "famous" with "renowned" and using more elaborate terms like "champions" and "tangible" elevates the academic tone and precision of the statement.

  4. "This goes beyond mere table manners or postures, showcasing a tangible positive influence on society." -> "This extends beyond mere etiquette or postures, showcasing a palpable positive influence on society."
    Explanation: Substituting "goes beyond" with "extends beyond" and replacing "tangible" with "palpable" enhances formality and provides a more precise description of the positive impact.

  5. "Moreover, social media platforms, such as Facebook, serve as powerful tools to showcase positive habits, like sustainable eating and rigorous exercise." -> "Furthermore, social media platforms, such as Facebook, function as potent tools to exhibit positive behaviors, such as sustainable eating and rigorous exercise."
    Explanation: Replacing "Moreover" with "Furthermore" and using "exhibit" instead of "showcase" contribute to a more formal and sophisticated expression.

  6. "This not only emphasizes the positive influence of celebrities but also illustrates the real-world impact of their habits on adolescents." -> "This not only underscores the positive influence of celebrities but also illustrates the tangible impact of their habits on adolescents."
    Explanation: Substituting "emphasizes" with "underscores" and using "tangible" instead of "real-world" maintains formality and precision in conveying the message.

  7. "Apart from becoming a motivation for young generations to follow moral values, they are also admired by their gifts." -> "Beyond serving as motivation for younger generations to embrace moral values, they are also admired for their talents."
    Explanation: Replacing "young generations" with "younger generations" and changing "becoming a motivation" to "serving as motivation" enhances accuracy and formality.

  8. "Take, for example, Elon Musk, whose fame is derived from his groundbreaking work in technology and innovation." -> "Consider, for instance, Elon Musk, whose renown stems from his pioneering work in technology and innovation."
    Explanation: Substituting "Take" with "Consider" and using "renown" instead of "fame" contribute to a more formal and sophisticated expression.

  9. "While instances of dramas and scandals exist, the majority of renowned figures, like Musk, achieve recognition through unceasing dedication and a commitment to excellence, setting a positive example for aspiring individuals." -> "Although instances of dramas and scandals exist, the majority of renowned figures, such as Musk, attain recognition through unwavering dedication and a commitment to excellence, setting a positive example for aspiring individuals."
    Explanation: Changing "While" to "Although," using "attain" instead of "achieve," and adding "such as" before Musk contribute to a more formal and precise expression.

  10. "Despite being born into a finally disadvantaged family and lacking access to acting opportunities, She ultimately received the Best Actress of the Year award for her authentic and compelling acting." -> "Despite being born into a financially disadvantaged family and facing limited access to acting opportunities, she ultimately received the Best Actress of the Year award for her authentic and compelling performance."
    Explanation: Correcting the capitalization of "She," replacing "finally" with "financially," and changing "acting" to "performance" improve accuracy, formality, and clarity.

  11. "In conclusion, I believe that it is advantageous for the young to look up to celebrities." -> "In conclusion, I contend that it is beneficial for the younger generation to look up to celebrities."
    Explanation: Replacing "advantageous for the young" with "beneficial for the younger generation" and using "contend" instead of "believe" enhance formality and precision in expressing the conclusion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all aspects of the prompt. It acknowledges the influence of celebrities on the younger generation, presents a clear position supporting this influence, and elaborates on the positive aspects of such influence.
    • How to improve: While the coverage is good, consider providing even more depth in the analysis. For example, discuss potential counterarguments to strengthen the overall argumentation.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout, asserting that the influence of celebrities on the youth is positive. Each paragraph reinforces this stance, and the thesis is effectively communicated.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, consider explicitly stating the main argument in the introduction and reiterating it in the conclusion for emphasis.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents, extends, and supports ideas effectively. Examples such as Angelina Jolie, Leonardo DiCaprio, Elon Musk, and Ninh Duong Lan Ngoc are appropriately used to illustrate points and provide concrete evidence.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the essay, try to elaborate more on the examples, exploring the depth of their impact and relevance to the argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the positive influence of celebrities on the younger generation. However, there are a few instances where the discussion veers slightly, such as the mention of scandals and dramas in the paragraph about Elon Musk.
    • How to improve: To improve, maintain a tighter focus on the central theme and avoid unnecessary tangents, ensuring that all details contribute directly to the argument.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the topic and effectively supports the position with relevant examples. To enhance it further, consider providing more in-depth analysis, explicitly stating the main argument, elaborating on examples, and maintaining a tighter focus on the central theme.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear organizational structure. It begins with an introduction, followed by body paragraphs that present arguments and examples, and finally concludes with a summarizing statement. The use of specific examples, such as Angelina Jolie, Leonardo DiCaprio, Elon Musk, and Gisele Bundchan, contributes to a logical and coherent flow.
    • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider providing a brief roadmap in the introduction, outlining the main points that will be discussed in the subsequent paragraphs. This can help guide the reader and strengthen the overall coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs, with each one focused on a specific aspect of the argument. Transitions between paragraphs are generally smooth, aiding the overall readability. However, the third paragraph is quite lengthy and could benefit from breaking it into smaller, more digestible sections to improve clarity and coherence.
    • How to improve: Consider breaking the third paragraph into two or more smaller paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on a distinct point or example, ensuring that the reader can easily follow the development of ideas.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay successfully utilizes cohesive devices, such as pronouns ("this trend," "their fame"), conjunctions ("while," "moreover"), and transitional phrases ("for instance," "in conclusion"). These devices contribute to the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.
    • How to improve: While cohesive devices are well-used, incorporating a wider variety can add richness to the text. Consider employing synonyms for commonly used transitional phrases and experimenting with more diverse sentence structures to maintain reader engagement.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of coherence and cohesion, with a well-organized structure, effective paragraphing, and appropriate use of cohesive devices. To enhance these aspects further, providing a roadmap in the introduction, breaking down lengthy paragraphs, and diversifying cohesive devices can contribute to an even more polished and cohesive piece.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied words and phrases, particularly in the introduction and conclusion. However, there is a tendency to rely on common phrases and expressions in the body paragraphs, limiting the diversity of vocabulary.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more synonyms, idiomatic expressions, and varied sentence structures throughout the essay. For example, in the body paragraphs, explore alternative ways to express ideas to avoid repetition and increase lexical richness.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary effectively, with some instances of imprecise word choices. For instance, the phrase "finally disadvantaged family" in the last paragraph seems to be a typographical error, and the intended word might be "financially." Additionally, the use of "comprehensive training" might be more precisely replaced with "rigorous training" for a more nuanced expression.
    • How to improve: Carefully proofread the essay to catch typographical errors and ensure precision in word choices. Consider using a thesaurus to explore alternative words that convey the intended meaning more precisely. Also, be attentive to context and appropriateness of words to avoid unintended ambiguity.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling throughout, with minimal errors. However, there is a typographical error in the phrase "finally disadvantaged family," which appears to be a misspelling of "financially." Overall, the spelling is accurate, but attention to detail is needed to catch such errors.
    • How to improve: Proofread the essay thoroughly, paying close attention to spelling. Utilize spelling and grammar checking tools to assist in identifying and correcting errors. Additionally, take the time to review and edit the essay before final submission to catch any overlooked mistakes.

In summary, while the essay exhibits a satisfactory level of lexical resource, there is room for improvement in diversifying vocabulary, ensuring precision in word choices, and maintaining consistent spelling accuracy. Implementing these suggestions will contribute to a more refined and sophisticated use of language, potentially elevating the essay’s overall lexical score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences throughout the essay. For instance, in the introduction, a complex sentence is used: "From my perspective, this trend is totally positive due to the fact that renowned figures have to undergo comprehensive training to uphold behavioral standards, and their talents serve as a source of inspiration for the youth." Additionally, the writer incorporates conditional sentences (e.g., "While some may argue") and comparative structures (e.g., "more than mere table manners or postures"), showcasing versatility.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the richness of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences within body paragraphs. Introduce elements like appositives or participial phrases to add depth and complexity.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally displays a high level of grammatical accuracy. Complex sentences are handled well, and there are minimal grammatical errors. However, there are a few instances where subject-verb agreement can be improved. For example, in the sentence, "These well-known individuals not only adhere to behavior standards that are worthwhile for adolescents to emulate but also serve as models for ambitious efforts and a brighter future," the subject "individuals" should agree with the singular verb "serves."
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, ensuring consistency throughout the essay. Additionally, proofread for minor punctuation errors (e.g., missing commas or incorrect usage) to enhance overall precision.

Overall, the essay exhibits a strong command of grammatical structures and accuracy. To elevate the score, focus on refining subject-verb agreement and continue to diversify sentence structures for added sophistication.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is argued that the younger generation is significantly influenced by celebrities. From my perspective, this trend is decidedly positive because prominent figures undergo extensive training to uphold behavioral standards, and their talents serve as a source of inspiration for the youth.

While some may argue that renowned individuals are frequently perceived as champions of robust ethical principles, a closer examination reveals the tangible impact of their training. For instance, renowned personalities like Angelina Jolie and Leonardo DiCaprio actively use their fame to advocate for environmental conservation, demonstrating a commitment to ethical values instilled through their training. This extends beyond mere table manners or postures, showcasing a palpable positive influence on society. Moreover, social media platforms, such as Facebook, function as potent tools to exhibit positive behaviors, such as sustainable eating and rigorous exercise. For example, Gisele Bundchan, a well-known model, frequently shares her plant-based diet and workout routines on Instagram, inspiring millions to adopt healthier lifestyles. This not only underscores the positive influence of celebrities but also illustrates the tangible impact of their habits on adolescents.

Beyond serving as motivation for younger generations to embrace moral values, they are also admired for their talents. Consider, for instance, Elon Musk, whose renown stems from his pioneering work in technology and innovation. Although instances of dramas and scandals exist, the majority of renowned figures, such as Musk, attain recognition through unwavering dedication and a commitment to excellence, setting a positive example for aspiring individuals. Moreover, in Vietnam, for instance, Ninh Duong Lan Ngoc, a famous actress, exemplifies dedication to her craft. Despite being born into a financially disadvantaged family and facing limited access to acting opportunities, she ultimately received the Best Actress of the Year award for her authentic and compelling performance. This illustrates that success is achievable through genuine effort and the pursuit of excellence.

In conclusion, I contend that it is beneficial for the younger generation to look up to celebrities. These well-known individuals not only adhere to behavior standards that are worthwhile for adolescents to emulate but also serve as models for ambitious efforts and a brighter future.

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