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Nowadays, many families have both parents working. Some working parents believe other family members like grandparents can take care of their children, while others think childcare centres provide the best care. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Nowadays, many families have both parents working. Some working parents
believe other family members like grandparents can take care of their
children, while others think childcare centres provide the best care. Discuss
both views and give your own opinion.

Opinions are divided on whether the childcare responsibilities of busy parents should be rest with family members or whether it would be better when given giving to childcare centres. While I understand the logic behind the former view, I am still in favor of the latter.

Those who believe that grandparents should care for their grandchilds grandchildren may have several arguments. However, the most notable of which is that they can give greater caring, it is obvious that grandparents are mostly those who retired so that they can have a ton of free time merely for paying attention to the development stages of their grandchildren grandchilds and fufilling their demands. This is not only because of the inevitable responsibilities but also coming the special bond as well. However, I think leaving children for grandparents it is only of short-term relevance while in the long run, this can make children becoming become over-indulgent in excessive love from grandparents and can not ensure a well-rounded development for them.

Despite the afor[e]mentioned arguments, I still hold the belief that childcare centres are probably better in terms of providing the best care for several reasons. Chief among these is that they can equip children with essentials life skills. Devided Dividing chidren into many groups of children in accordance with their ages, centres can reinforce an individual’s innate talent and instincts instinction through a wide range of creative activit[i]es. For example, doing handicrafts handmade stuffs and teaching table manners are the two common activities in a childcare centres and are favorable due to the practical applications behind them. The second reason is that this can be suitable for everyone, especially young parents who may not have hands-on experience and quality time when it comes to child[-]rearing. In order to give an exact teaching method to each child, they should send their children to centres instead of spending a great amount of time doing some difficult reseaches on children’s characteristics and behaviours by themselves.

In conclusion, it is understandable why some may argue that children of working parents could receive better care from family members taking care of children should be a family members’ duty. However, I would take the view that childcare centres would do a better job.



Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Opinions are divided on whether the childcare responsibilities of busy parents should be rest with family members or whether it would be better when given giving to childcare centres." -> "Opinions are divided on whether the childcare responsibilities of busy parents should rest with family members or whether it would be better to entrust them to childcare centres."
    Explanation: The original sentence contains awkward phrasing. The suggested alternative provides a clearer and more concise expression of the idea.

  2. "While I understand the logic behind the former view, I am still in favor of the latter." -> "While I comprehend the rationale supporting the former view, I still advocate for the latter."
    Explanation: Replacing "understand" with "comprehend" and "in favor of" with "advocate for" contributes to a more formal and nuanced tone.

  3. "Those who believe that grandparents should care for their grandchilds grandchildren may have several arguments." -> "Those who believe that grandparents should care for their grandchildren may have several arguments."
    Explanation: The original sentence contains a redundancy with "grandchilds grandchildren." The revised version removes the redundancy for clarity.

  4. "…it is obvious that grandparents are mostly those who retired so that they can have a ton of free time merely for paying attention to the development stages of their grandchildren grandchilds and fufilling their demands." -> "…it is evident that grandparents are often individuals who have retired, affording them ample free time to focus on the developmental stages of their grandchildren and fulfill their needs."
    Explanation: The original sentence is overly wordy and lacks precision. The suggested alternative streamlines the expression while maintaining formality.

  5. "This is not only because of the inevitable responsibilities but also coming the special bond as well." -> "This is not only due to the unavoidable responsibilities but also to the unique bond."
    Explanation: The revised sentence removes redundancy and improves clarity by eliminating unnecessary repetition.

  6. "However, I think leaving children for grandparents it is only of short-term relevance while in the long run, this can make children becoming become over-indulgent in excessive love from grandparents and can not ensure a well-rounded development for them." -> "However, I believe entrusting children to grandparents is only relevant in the short term. In the long run, this may lead to children becoming overly indulgent in excessive love from grandparents, jeopardizing their well-rounded development."
    Explanation: The suggested alternative enhances clarity and maintains a more formal tone by restructuring the sentence.

  7. "Despite the afor[e]mentioned arguments…" -> "Despite the aforementioned arguments…"
    Explanation: The use of "[e]" is unnecessary and does not align with academic formality. The revised version maintains clarity without the additional characters.

  8. "Chief among these is that they can equip children with essentials life skills." -> "Chief among these is the ability to equip children with essential life skills."
    Explanation: The original sentence lacks proper structure. The suggested alternative provides a clearer expression of the main point.

  9. "Devided Dividing chidren into many groups of children in accordance with their ages, centres can reinforce an individual’s innate talent and instincts instinction through a wide range of creative activit[i]es." -> "By dividing children into groups based on their ages, centers can enhance an individual’s innate talent and instincts through a wide range of creative activities."
    Explanation: The original sentence contains a misspelling ("Devided") and awkward phrasing. The suggested alternative corrects the error and improves clarity.

  10. "For example, doing handicrafts handmade stuffs and teaching table manners are the two common activities in a childcare centres and are favorable due to the practical applications behind them." -> "For example, engaging in handicrafts, creating handmade items, and teaching table manners are two common activities in childcare centers, favored for their practical applications."
    Explanation: The original sentence lacks parallelism and includes informal language. The revised version provides a more polished and formal expression of the idea.

  11. "The second reason is that this can be suitable for everyone, especially young parents who may not have hands-on experience and quality time when it comes to child[-]rearing." -> "The second reason is that this approach can be suitable for everyone, particularly young parents who may lack hands-on experience and quality time for child-rearing."
    Explanation: The original sentence is unclear and informal. The suggested alternative clarifies the meaning and maintains a more formal tone.

  12. "In order to give an exact teaching method to each child, they should send their children to centres instead of spending a great amount of time doing some difficult reseaches on children’s characteristics and behaviours by themselves." -> "To provide a precise teaching method for each child, parents should consider sending their children to centers instead of investing a significant amount of time conducting challenging research on children’s characteristics and behaviors independently."
    Explanation: The revised sentence improves clarity and formality by restructuring the expression and using more appropriate vocabulary.

  13. "In conclusion, it is understandable why some may argue that children of working parents could receive better care from family members taking care of children should be a family members’ duty." -> "In conclusion, it is understandable why some may argue that family members should take on the responsibility of caring for the children of working parents."
    Explanation: The original sentence is convoluted and lacks clarity. The suggested alternative simplifies the expression while maintaining the intended meaning.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both views in response to the prompt. It acknowledges the perspective of those who believe grandparents should care for children and presents the opinion in favor of childcare centers. Relevant sections include discussing the benefits of grandparents’ involvement and contrasting it with potential drawbacks. However, the explanation of the latter view could be more developed.
    • How to improve: To improve, ensure a more balanced and detailed exploration of both views. Allocate sufficient space to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of both options.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position favoring childcare centers. The stance is evident from the beginning and consistently supported throughout the essay. Specific examples, such as the benefits of childcare centers in developing life skills and catering to the needs of working parents, contribute to the clarity.
    • How to improve: No significant improvement is needed in this aspect. However, consider providing additional examples to further reinforce the chosen position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth and coherence. For instance, the argument about grandparents’ over-indulgence is somewhat underdeveloped, and the transition between paragraphs could be smoother. The essay would benefit from more elaboration and connecting ideas cohesively.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the essay’s development by expanding on ideas. Provide concrete examples and explanations for each point. Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs for a more coherent flow.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but has moments of unclear expression, such as the phrase "Devided Dividing chidren into many groups." Some sentences are convoluted, and there are minor grammatical errors.
    • How to improve: Simplify complex sentences for clarity. Proofread the essay to correct grammatical errors and improve overall coherence. Maintain a consistent focus on the topic throughout.

In conclusion, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt, it can benefit from a more thorough exploration of both views, improved development of ideas, and enhanced clarity in expression. Strengthening these aspects will contribute to a more cohesive and persuasive essay, potentially raising the overall band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally follows a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there are instances where the organization could be improved. For instance, the transition between the paragraph discussing the views of grandparents caring for children and the paragraph supporting childcare centers is abrupt. A smoother transition would enhance the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure a seamless transition between paragraphs. Consider using transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader through the shift in focus. Additionally, make sure each paragraph contributes cohesively to the overall argument.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains paragraphs, but there is inconsistency in their structure and effectiveness. Some paragraphs lack coherence due to unclear topic sentences and a mix of ideas. For instance, the paragraph discussing grandparents caring for children could benefit from a clearer topic sentence to guide the reader.
    • How to improve: Improve paragraph structure by starting each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, avoiding a mix of unrelated ideas within a single paragraph.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses cohesive devices to some extent, but there is room for improvement. For example, the transition between contrasting views on grandparents’ care and support for childcare centers could be smoother. Additionally, there is a need for more varied cohesive devices, such as pronouns, transitional words, and conjunctions, to enhance overall coherence.
    • How to improve: Strengthen cohesion by using a variety of cohesive devices, such as "however," "despite," "in conclusion," etc., to guide the reader through different parts of the essay. Ensure a consistent use of pronouns to avoid repetition. Also, consider revising sentence structures to create a smoother flow between ideas.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the prompt and presents a coherent argument, refining the organization, paragraph structure, and cohesive devices will elevate the coherence and cohesion, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with attempts to use varied expressions. However, there is room for improvement as some phrases are repeated, and a few instances lack precision.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary, consider exploring synonyms and using more precise terms. For instance, instead of frequently using "children," try incorporating words like "offspring" or "young ones." Additionally, introduce diverse vocabulary to convey ideas more vividly, making the essay more engaging.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: There are instances where vocabulary is imprecise, affecting the overall clarity of the message. For example, the phrase "it is obvious that grandparents are mostly those who retired so that they can have a ton of free time" could be refined for greater precision.
    • How to improve: Focus on selecting words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Instead of using "ton of free time," consider specifying the amount of time or describing it as ample leisure. Be mindful of the context and ensure that each word contributes to the clarity and accuracy of your expression.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits noticeable spelling errors, such as "fufilling" (fulfilling), "Devided" (Dividing), and "activit[i]es" (activities). These errors, while not pervasive, affect the professionalism of the writing.
    • How to improve: Regularly proofread your work to identify and correct spelling errors. Utilize tools like spell-check software or seek feedback from others to enhance the accuracy of your written expression. Building a habit of careful review will contribute to a polished and error-free final product.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in the complexity and sophistication of sentence structures. The essay tends to rely on simple sentence structures, and there is limited use of more advanced constructions such as compound-complex sentences. Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing that affect the overall flow of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating compound and compound-complex sentences. Vary sentence lengths and structures for a smoother flow. Use transition words and phrases to connect ideas more effectively. Proofread carefully to identify and rectify awkward phrasing, ensuring clarity and coherence.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a range of grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues, awkward word choices, and punctuation errors. For instance, there are inconsistencies in plural forms, such as "grandchilds" instead of "grandchildren," and the misuse of "fufilling" instead of "fulfilling." Punctuation errors include the misplacement of commas and the use of unusual symbols (e.g., "[e]mentioned"), impacting the overall accuracy of expression.
    • How to improve: Focus on improving subject-verb agreement to ensure consistency in plural forms. Use appropriate punctuation marks, avoiding unconventional symbols. Carefully proofread the essay to identify and correct grammatical errors. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to enhance accuracy.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good command of English, refining sentence structures for greater complexity and addressing grammatical errors will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Opinions vary on whether the childcare responsibilities of busy parents should be entrusted to family members or childcare centers. While I comprehend the rationale supporting the former view, I still advocate for the latter.

Those who believe that grandparents should care for their grandchildren may have several arguments. However, the most notable of these is that grandparents often have retired, affording them ample free time to focus on the developmental stages of their grandchildren and fulfill their needs. This is not only due to unavoidable responsibilities but also the unique bond they share. Nevertheless, I believe entrusting children to grandparents is only relevant in the short term. In the long run, this may lead to children becoming overly indulgent in excessive love from grandparents, jeopardizing their well-rounded development.

Despite the aforementioned arguments, I still hold the belief that childcare centers are probably better in terms of providing the best care for several reasons. Chief among these is the ability to equip children with essential life skills. By dividing children into groups based on their ages, centers can enhance an individual’s innate talent and instincts through a wide range of creative activities. For example, engaging in handicrafts, creating handmade items, and teaching table manners are two common activities in childcare centers, favored for their practical applications. The second reason is that this approach can be suitable for everyone, particularly young parents who may lack hands-on experience and quality time for child-rearing. To provide a precise teaching method for each child, parents should consider sending their children to centers instead of investing a significant amount of time conducting challenging research on children’s characteristics and behaviors independently.

In conclusion, it is understandable why some may argue that family members should take on the responsibility of caring for the children of working parents. However, I would take the view that childcare centers would do a better job.

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