Nowadays many people have access to computers on a wide basis and a large number of children play computer games. Do these positive effects of playing games on computers by children outweigh the negative effects?

Nowadays many people have access to computers on a wide basis and a large number
of children play computer games. Do these positive effects of playing games on
computers by children outweigh the negative effects?

Access to computers has increased significantly over recent decades, and the number of children playing games on computers has increased too. While i acknowledge this issue offers a number of benefits, i personally believe the advantages pale in comparison with the drawbacks it provides.
On the one hand, this problem is advantageous in a few aspects. First, the main merit of it is that playing computer games can develop children’s cognitive skills. Many popular games require high level thinking skills in order to win, skills that may not be taught at school. For example, children need to follow instructions, solve complex problems and use logic in many of the games that are currently popular. Such experience will be beneficial to a child’s progression into an adult. An additional benefit of this is that it helps children entertain themselves after a tiring day. A study has proven that when we play games, it releases a hormone that helps people feel comfortable and reduces stress. From there, it helps people return to work with a relaxed spirit. For example, after a tiring day at school, my sister often plays a little game and it helps her avoid the pressure of studying.
On the other hand, despite the aforementioned benefits, l firmly believe that it offers more disadvantages. The first reason is that it makes the mind confused, unable to distinguish between real life and virtual life. Game addicts only focus on the computer, completely ignoring the surrounding issues. In their mind, there are only images of games, fighting and leveling up. The most popular types of games are role-playing and fighting games. Gamers, after a long time controlling their characters, easily get used to virtual life. Even daily activities are related to the characteristics of the game. From there, they will be confused between reality and virtuality. The second reason is Irritability, tendency to violence. Children and teenagers today are very fond of games that involve fighting, fighting and violence, which makes it easy for them to learn, increasing their aggression and belligerence. There are many examples in life that show that the rate of fighting, beating and even killing others comes from game addicts when they cannot get what they want. Besides, because of not getting enough rest, a tired body also makes people more irritable.
To summarize, it seems to me that the benefits of this problem pale in comparison with the disadvantages it offers.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"While i acknowledge this issue offers a number of benefits, i personally believe the advantages pale in comparison with the drawbacks it provides." -> "While I acknowledge that this issue offers several benefits, I personally believe that the advantages are outweighed by the drawbacks it presents."
Explanation: The original sentence uses contractions and informal language ("i" instead of "I"). Replacing these with the full form and adjusting the phrasing to "are outweighed by" improves the formality and clarity of the statement.
"the main merit of it is that" -> "the primary advantage of this is that"
Explanation: "Merit" is somewhat archaic and less precise in this context. "Advantage" is more commonly used in modern academic writing to describe benefits. Additionally, "it" is vague; "this" is more specific and appropriate in referring to the issue discussed.
"Many popular games require high level thinking skills" -> "Many popular games require high-level thinking skills"
Explanation: The adjective "high level" should be hyphenated as "high-level" to form an adjective modifying "thinking skills."
"skills that may not be taught at school" -> "skills that are not typically taught in school"
Explanation: "May not be taught" is vague and less definitive. "Are not typically taught" provides a clearer and more precise statement about the educational context.
"Such experience will be beneficial to a child’s progression into an adult." -> "Such experiences can be beneficial to a child’s development as an adult."
Explanation: "Will be beneficial" is too absolute and lacks nuance. "Can be beneficial" acknowledges the potential variability in outcomes. Also, "progression into an adult" is awkward; "development as an adult" is more natural and precise.
"it helps people feel comfortable and reduces stress" -> "it helps individuals feel comfortable and reduces stress levels"
Explanation: "People" is too general; "individuals" is more specific and formal. Adding "levels" after "stress" clarifies the type of reduction being discussed.
"l firmly believe" -> "I firmly believe"
Explanation: Corrects the typo "l" to "I" for proper capitalization and grammatical accuracy.
"it offers more disadvantages" -> "it presents more disadvantages"
Explanation: "Offers" is less specific in this context; "presents" is more appropriate for discussing the nature of the issues.
"makes the mind confused, unable to distinguish between real life and virtual life" -> "confuses the mind, making it difficult to distinguish between real and virtual life"
Explanation: "Makes the mind confused" is awkward and unclear. "Confuses the mind, making it difficult" is more direct and grammatically correct.
"Irritability, tendency to violence" -> "irritability and a tendency towards violence"
Explanation: "Irritability, tendency to violence" is grammatically incorrect. "Irritability and a tendency towards violence" corrects the punctuation and clarifies the relationship between the two concepts.
"Children and teenagers today are very fond of games that involve fighting, fighting and violence" -> "Children and teenagers today often enjoy games that involve fighting and violence"
Explanation: The repetition of "fighting" is unnecessary and redundant. Removing it improves clarity and conciseness.
"increasing their aggression and belligerence" -> "increasing their aggression and aggression-related behaviors"
Explanation: "Belligerence" is somewhat archaic and less precise. "Aggression-related behaviors" is more contemporary and specific.
"a tired body also makes people more irritable" -> "fatigue also contributes to increased irritability"
Explanation: "A tired body" is vague and informal. "Fatigue" is a more precise term, and "contributes to increased irritability" is a more formal and accurate description of the effect.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the positive and negative effects of children playing computer games. The introduction clearly states the author’s position, indicating that they believe the negative effects outweigh the positive. The body paragraphs provide examples of both sides, such as cognitive skill development and stress relief on one hand, and confusion between reality and virtuality, as well as increased aggression on the other. However, the essay could benefit from a more balanced exploration of the positive effects, as the discussion on benefits is relatively brief compared to the negative effects.
- How to improve: To enhance the response to all parts of the question, the author should provide more detailed examples and explanations of the positive effects of playing computer games. This could involve discussing specific games that promote learning or social interaction, thereby offering a more nuanced view that acknowledges the complexity of the issue.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The author’s position is clear from the outset, stating a belief that the disadvantages of playing computer games outweigh the advantages. This stance is consistently maintained throughout the essay, particularly in the concluding paragraph. However, there are moments where the language could be more assertive, particularly when discussing the benefits, which may lead to slight ambiguity in the overall argument.
- How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the author should use more definitive language when discussing the benefits and ensure that the negative aspects are framed as serious concerns. Additionally, reinforcing the main argument in each paragraph can help to remind the reader of the overall stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the effects of computer games on children, such as cognitive skill development and the potential for increased aggression. Each idea is supported with examples, such as the mention of a study on stress relief and personal anecdotes. However, the development of these ideas could be more thorough, particularly in the section discussing the positive effects, which feels somewhat underdeveloped compared to the negative effects.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the author should aim to elaborate more on each point. For instance, when discussing cognitive skills, they could mention specific types of games that enhance these skills or provide statistics that illustrate the extent of these benefits. This would create a more balanced and persuasive argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the effects of computer games on children. However, there are instances where the discussion could be more tightly focused. For example, the mention of "irritability" and its connection to tiredness, while relevant, could be more explicitly tied back to the context of gaming to maintain coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question of whether the positive effects outweigh the negative. This can be achieved by explicitly linking each example back to the main argument and avoiding tangential discussions that do not directly contribute to the thesis.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, there are areas for improvement that could elevate the score further. By providing a more balanced exploration of both sides, using assertive language to maintain a clear position, elaborating on ideas with specific examples, and ensuring tight focus on the topic, the author can enhance the effectiveness of their argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs addressing both sides of the argument, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, stating the writer’s position. The body paragraphs are organized into two distinct sections: one discussing the positive effects of computer games and the other addressing the negative effects. However, the transition between the positive and negative points could be smoother. For instance, the phrase "On the one hand" is followed by "On the other hand," which is appropriate, but the connection between the two sides could be more explicitly stated to enhance the logical flow.
- How to improve: To improve the logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that not only indicate a shift in perspective but also summarize the previous point. For example, after discussing the benefits, a sentence like "Despite these advantages, it is crucial to consider the significant drawbacks that accompany excessive gaming" could provide a clearer linkage.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is essential for clarity. Each paragraph focuses on a single aspect of the argument, making it easier for the reader to follow the writer’s line of reasoning. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer topic sentences that explicitly state the main idea of the paragraph. For example, the first sentence could be more direct in stating that the negative impacts of gaming are significant and warrant attention.
- How to improve: To enhance paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. Additionally, consider using concluding sentences that summarize the paragraph’s content, reinforcing the main argument before transitioning to the next point.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first," "an additional benefit," and "on the other hand," which help to guide the reader through the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the essay could benefit from more varied connectors and phrases to enhance cohesion. For example, the use of phrases like "Furthermore," "In contrast," or "Moreover" could add depth to the transitions between ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, practice incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases. This can be achieved by reviewing lists of cohesive devices and experimenting with them in different contexts. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately and enhance the clarity of the argument rather than distract from it.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, there are areas for improvement that could elevate the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument. By focusing on smoother transitions, clearer topic sentences, and a broader range of cohesive devices, the writer can enhance the logical flow and cohesiveness of their writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "cognitive skills," "complex problems," "merit," and "irritability." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "fighting games" and "virtual life," which could be varied to enhance the richness of the language. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "fighting games," the writer could incorporate synonyms or related terms such as "combat games" or "action games."
- How to improve: To improve lexical variety, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and related phrases throughout the essay. Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary lists related to gaming and its effects could help diversify word choice. Practicing writing with varied vocabulary in mind, perhaps by summarizing articles on gaming, could also be beneficial.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay includes some precise vocabulary, such as "cognitive skills" and "complex problems." However, there are instances of imprecise language, such as "this problem is advantageous" and "the benefits of this problem." The term "problem" is misleading in this context, as it suggests a negative connotation rather than acknowledging the nuanced discussion of benefits and drawbacks. Additionally, phrases like "the mind confused" could be more clearly articulated as "the mind becomes confused."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects the intended meaning. This can be achieved by revising sentences to clarify the subject matter. For example, instead of saying "this problem is advantageous," the writer could say "the increased access to computer games has several advantages." Regularly reviewing vocabulary in context and practicing paraphrasing can also aid in achieving more precise language.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "i" instead of "I," and "l" instead of "I." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing. Additionally, "Irritability" should not be capitalized mid-sentence. While most other words are spelled correctly, these mistakes indicate a lack of attention to detail.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or using flashcards for commonly misspelled words can reinforce correct spelling habits. Keeping a list of frequently used words and their correct spellings can also be beneficial for future essays.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, focusing on expanding vocabulary range, enhancing precision, and improving spelling will help elevate the Lexical Resource score in future writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "while I acknowledge this issue offers a number of benefits" and "despite the aforementioned benefits" shows an attempt to use more sophisticated structures. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings, such as "The first reason is…" and "An additional benefit of this is…", which can detract from the overall variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer could incorporate more varied sentence openings and transitions. For example, instead of repeatedly starting with "The first reason is…", they could use phrases like "One significant drawback is…" or "Another critical aspect to consider is…". Additionally, using relative clauses or participial phrases could add complexity, such as "Having played numerous games, children may find it challenging to separate reality from the virtual world."
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity. For example, the use of lowercase "i" instead of "I" is a consistent error, which undermines the professionalism of the writing. Additionally, phrases like "high level thinking skills" should be hyphenated as "high-level thinking skills." There are also instances of awkward phrasing, such as "the advantages pale in comparison with the drawbacks it provides," which could be more fluidly expressed.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for capitalization errors and ensuring correct punctuation, especially with compound sentences. Practicing the use of hyphens in compound adjectives and reviewing the rules for comma usage can also be beneficial. Furthermore, the writer may benefit from revising sentences for clarity and conciseness, ensuring that ideas are expressed in a straightforward manner. For example, instead of "it helps people return to work with a relaxed spirit," a clearer alternative could be "it allows individuals to approach their tasks with a refreshed mindset."

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Access to computers has increased significantly over recent decades, and the number of children playing games on computers has increased too. While I acknowledge that this issue offers a number of benefits, I personally believe that the advantages pale in comparison with the drawbacks it presents.

On the one hand, this problem is advantageous in a few aspects. First, the primary advantage of this is that playing computer games can develop children’s cognitive skills. Many popular games require high-level thinking skills in order to win, skills that are not typically taught in school. For example, children need to follow instructions, solve complex problems, and use logic in many of the games that are currently popular. Such experiences can be beneficial to a child’s development as an adult. An additional benefit of this is that it helps children entertain themselves after a tiring day. A study has proven that when we play games, it releases a hormone that helps people feel comfortable and reduces stress levels. From there, it helps people return to work with a relaxed spirit. For example, after a tiring day at school, my sister often plays a little game, and it helps her avoid the pressure of studying.

On the other hand, despite the aforementioned benefits, I firmly believe that it presents more disadvantages. The first reason is that it confuses the mind, making it difficult to distinguish between real life and virtual life. Game addicts only focus on the computer, completely ignoring the surrounding issues. In their minds, there are only images of games, fighting, and leveling up. The most popular types of games are role-playing and fighting games. Gamers, after a long time controlling their characters, easily get used to virtual life. Even daily activities are related to the characteristics of the game. From there, they will be confused between reality and virtuality. The second reason is irritability and a tendency towards violence. Children and teenagers today often enjoy games that involve fighting and violence, which makes it easy for them to learn, increasing their aggression and aggression-related behaviors. There are many examples in life that show that the rate of fighting, beating, and even killing others comes from game addicts when they cannot get what they want. Besides, because of not getting enough rest, fatigue also contributes to increased irritability.

To summarize, it seems to me that the benefits of this issue pale in comparison with the disadvantages it offers.