Nowadays, more and more people from different cities are spending more time away from their families. What are the possible reasons and the effects on the people themselves and their families?

Nowadays, more and more people from different cities are spending more time away from their families.
What are the possible reasons and the effects on the people themselves and their families?

There is a concern that there is an increasing number of people who spend most of their time apart from their families.This is the result of numerous factors that cause several detrimental effects on the people themselves and their families.

This concern is mainly attributed to better opportunities to gain their job experiences. As the former reason, people mainly concentrate their time on working tasks that are important to acquire more experiences for themselves. In addition, if people cannot get promotion in their career they tend to change their working environment to land for a decent job. Another reason is that, people always want to pursuit higher education for themselves because people always want to develop and improve their skills. Furthermore, if the facilities in their hometown are not enough to reach their satisfactions, they may continue with studying in another cities which has a better university. As a result, they may have to relocate their living destination to adapt with their new life in a new city.

For those reasons, there are various of detrimental effects on the people themselves and their families. First of all, people are occupied with their work which leads to the limited time that they can spend with their families. Leading up to that, the relationship between members may not be as close-knit as in the past. Secondly, living far from their families may make them feel lonely and isolated. As a consequence, people who lives far from their families for a long time may cause them depression and exhaustion that may make them unmotivated with anything. As a result, this can be negative for both families and individuals.

In conclusion, concern about more people choose to spend more time apart from their families primarily stems from better jobs opportunities and higher education. We should balance between work and families to prevent families and ourselves from negative effects.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"There is a concern that there is an increasing number of people" -> "There is a growing concern that an increasing number of people"
Explanation: Simplifying the phrase eliminates redundancy and enhances clarity, making the sentence more direct and formal.
"spend most of their time apart from their families" -> "spend most of their time away from their families"
Explanation: "Away from" is a more precise and formal alternative to "apart from," which is somewhat informal and less commonly used in academic writing.
"numerous factors that cause several detrimental effects" -> "various factors that produce several detrimental effects"
Explanation: "Various" is more precise than "numerous" in this context, and "produce" is a more formal verb than "cause," aligning better with academic style.
"better opportunities to gain their job experiences" -> "better opportunities to gain work experience"
Explanation: "Work experience" is a more standard term in formal writing than "job experiences," which is less commonly used and sounds less formal.
"people mainly concentrate their time on working tasks" -> "individuals primarily focus on work-related tasks"
Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal than "people," and "focus on work-related tasks" is more precise and formal than "concentrate their time on working tasks."
"land for a decent job" -> "secure a suitable job"
Explanation: "Secure a suitable job" is more formal and precise than "land for a decent job," which is colloquial and vague.
"pursuit higher education" -> "pursue higher education"
Explanation: "Pursue" is the correct verb form in this context, and "higher education" should not be hyphenated.
"people always want to develop and improve their skills" -> "individuals consistently seek to enhance their skills"
Explanation: "Consistently seek to enhance" is more formal and precise than "always want to develop and improve," which is overly simplistic and informal.
"facilities in their hometown are not enough to reach their satisfactions" -> "facilities in their hometown do not meet their expectations"
Explanation: "Do not meet their expectations" is a more formal and precise way to express the idea that facilities do not meet the desired standards.
"they may continue with studying in another cities" -> "they may continue their studies in other cities"
Explanation: "Continue their studies" is grammatically correct and more formal than "continue with studying," and "other cities" is the correct plural form.
"they may have to relocate their living destination" -> "they may need to relocate their place of residence"
Explanation: "Place of residence" is a more formal term than "living destination," and "need to" is more appropriate than "have to" in this context.
"people are occupied with their work" -> "individuals are preoccupied with their work"
Explanation: "Preoccupied" is a more precise and formal term than "occupied," which is somewhat vague and informal.
"limited time that they can spend with their families" -> "restricted time available for family interactions"
Explanation: "Restricted time available for family interactions" is a more formal and precise way to describe the limited time spent with family.
"people who lives far from their families for a long time" -> "individuals who live far from their families for extended periods"
Explanation: "Extended periods" is a more formal and precise term than "a long time," and "individuals" is preferred over "people" in formal writing.
"cause them depression and exhaustion" -> "lead to depression and exhaustion"
Explanation: "Lead to" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "cause them," which is grammatically incorrect and informal.
"We should balance between work and families" -> "We should balance work and family responsibilities"
Explanation: "Balance work and family responsibilities" is a more formal and precise way to express the need for balance between work and family life.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt by discussing possible reasons for people spending more time away from their families, such as job opportunities and the pursuit of higher education. It also outlines the effects on individuals and families, including feelings of loneliness and weakened family bonds. However, the discussion could be more comprehensive; for instance, the essay mentions "better job opportunities" but does not explore other potential reasons, such as urbanization or lifestyle choices.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could include a broader range of reasons for this trend, such as societal changes or technological influences that facilitate remote work. Additionally, providing more specific examples or statistics could strengthen the argument and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position regarding the concern of people spending time away from their families. The introduction sets the tone, and the conclusion reiterates this concern. However, the position could be more assertively stated in the body paragraphs, where the connection between reasons and effects could be more explicitly articulated.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer should ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that directly relates back to the main argument. Additionally, using linking phrases to connect ideas will help reinforce the position throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the pursuit of job experience and higher education, but the development of these ideas is somewhat superficial. For example, while it mentions that people may feel lonely, it does not delve into the psychological impacts or provide examples of how this loneliness manifests in daily life.
- How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with specific examples or anecdotes. This could involve discussing how individuals cope with loneliness or the long-term effects of strained family relationships. Incorporating research or expert opinions could also lend credibility to the arguments.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons and effects of people spending time away from their families. However, there are moments where the writing becomes slightly repetitive, particularly in the discussion of job opportunities and education, which could distract from the main focus.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should avoid redundancy by ensuring that each point made contributes something new to the discussion. Outlining the essay before writing could help in organizing thoughts and ensuring that each paragraph serves a distinct purpose related to the prompt.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, it would benefit from deeper exploration of points, clearer connections between ideas, and a more comprehensive approach to addressing the prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing reasons and effects, and a conclusion. However, the organization of ideas within paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses job opportunities and education but lacks a clear transition between these two points, making it feel somewhat disjointed. The second body paragraph effectively outlines the effects but could benefit from a more structured approach, perhaps by categorizing effects into personal and familial impacts.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using topic sentences that clearly outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, ensure that each point is connected with transitional phrases that guide the reader through the argument. For example, using phrases like "Furthermore" or "In addition" can help clarify the relationship between ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the prompt. However, the first paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on job opportunities and the other on educational pursuits. This would allow for a more in-depth discussion of each reason and improve readability.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph contains a single main idea supported by relevant details. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence and follow it with supporting sentences that elaborate on that idea. For instance, the first body paragraph could begin with a sentence like, "One significant reason people spend time away from their families is the pursuit of better job opportunities."
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a few cohesive devices, such as "first of all," "as a result," and "furthermore." However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some phrases are used repetitively, which can detract from the overall coherence. For example, the phrase "as a result" appears multiple times, which can make the writing feel formulaic.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "consequently," "therefore," or "in contrast" to vary the language and enhance the flow of ideas. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, which can help maintain cohesion without redundancy.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, but improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices would enhance clarity and coherence, potentially raising the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it tends to rely on common phrases and lacks sophistication. For instance, terms like "better opportunities," "job experiences," and "higher education" are frequently used but do not showcase a varied vocabulary. The phrase "detrimental effects" is a good example of more advanced vocabulary, but it is not complemented by other varied expressions throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more descriptive language. For example, instead of repeating "better opportunities," alternatives like "enhanced prospects" or "improved career options" could be used. Additionally, using phrases like "professional development" or "academic advancement" would diversify the vocabulary related to education and career.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While some vocabulary is used correctly, there are instances of imprecise usage that can lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "pursuit higher education" should be "pursue higher education." The term "satisfactions" is also misused; it would be more appropriate to say "satisfaction" in this context. Such errors can detract from the clarity of the argument.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and ensure that phrases are used in their correct forms. Regularly reviewing common collocations and practicing sentence structure can help. For instance, using "to seek higher education" instead of "to pursuit higher education" would enhance clarity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "pursuit" instead of "pursue," "relocate their living destination" which could be simplified to "relocate," and "lives" instead of "live" in the phrase "people who lives far from their families." These mistakes indicate a lack of attention to detail and can undermine the overall quality of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should practice proofreading their work before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, maintaining a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can aid in improving spelling skills.

Overall, while the essay meets the basic requirements for lexical resource, there is significant room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and some complex sentences. For instance, the use of "As the former reason, people mainly concentrate their time on working tasks…" shows an attempt to connect ideas, but the structure is awkward and lacks clarity. Additionally, phrases like "if people cannot get promotion in their career" and "if the facilities in their hometown are not enough to reach their satisfactions" indicate a reliance on conditional clauses. However, the essay could benefit from more varied sentence beginnings and the inclusion of more complex structures to enhance fluency and coherence.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider using introductory phrases, participial clauses, or relative clauses. For example, instead of starting sentences with "people," try beginning with phrases like "Due to the pursuit of higher education, many individuals…" or "In light of the limited opportunities in their hometowns, residents often seek employment elsewhere." This will create a more engaging and varied writing style.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For example, the phrase "there is an increasing number of people who spend most of their time apart from their families.This is the result of numerous factors…" lacks a space after the period, which is a punctuation error. Additionally, the sentence "people are occupied with their work which leads to the limited time that they can spend with their families" would benefit from a comma before "which" to separate the clauses properly. Furthermore, the use of "pursuit" should be corrected to "pursue" in the context of "people always want to pursue higher education."
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay carefully for punctuation errors and to ensure that clauses are correctly connected. Practicing the use of commas in complex sentences and reviewing subject-verb agreement rules will also be beneficial. Additionally, consider revising sentences for clarity and conciseness; for instance, "As a result, they may have to relocate their living destination to adapt with their new life in a new city" could be simplified to "As a result, they may need to relocate to adapt to their new life in a different city."

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a growing concern that an increasing number of people are spending most of their time away from their families. This trend is the result of various factors that produce several detrimental effects on the individuals themselves and their families.

This concern is mainly attributed to better opportunities to gain work experience. As a result, individuals primarily focus on work-related tasks that are important for acquiring more experience. Additionally, if people cannot secure a promotion in their careers, they tend to change their working environment in order to land a suitable job. Another reason is that individuals consistently seek to enhance their skills by pursuing higher education. Furthermore, if the facilities in their hometown do not meet their expectations, they may continue their studies in other cities that have better universities. Consequently, they may need to relocate their place of residence to adapt to their new life in a different city.

For these reasons, there are various detrimental effects on the individuals themselves and their families. First of all, individuals are preoccupied with their work, which leads to restricted time available for family interactions. This can result in relationships between family members not being as close-knit as they once were. Secondly, living far from their families may make individuals feel lonely and isolated. As a consequence, those who live far from their families for extended periods may experience depression and exhaustion, which can leave them feeling unmotivated. This can have negative implications for both families and individuals.

In conclusion, the concern about more people choosing to spend time apart from their families primarily stems from better job opportunities and the pursuit of higher education. We should strive to balance work and family responsibilities to prevent negative effects on both ourselves and our families.