Nowadays people depend on technology for leisure activities. Is this a positive or negative development?
In this day and age, people rely on technology for leisure activities. From my perspective, the trend has benefits and drawbacks and in this essay, I will depict the problem detrimentally.
On the one hand, the trend has a positive development. Initially, the technology was a means of entertainment and communication. Indeed, there are more and more options for people to satisfy their need for amusement such as playing games, listening to music, or watching movies. Additionally, people use technology in their free time to expand their knowledge and update information. To be specific, society is improving daily and information rapidly occurs every day, so citizens need to update their information permanently. Therefore a mobile phone with an Internet can inform users of events from all over the world so that the user can keep up with the trend. For example, major social networking sites such as Facebook and X inform updates from the world.
On the other hand, the trend has a negative development. Initially, the technology will cause adverse impacts on health. To be specific, most activities based on technology require people to sit for a long time, promoting a sedentary lifestyle. As a result, the number of people suffering from eye strains, obesity, and package. For example, according to research, over 30% of people in Vietnam have eye strain, whose major factor is accessing the neon screen on phones, computers, and TV. Secondly, relying on technology can affect relationships in real life. Indeed, people tend to be glued to their phones rather than interacting with family members.
In conclusion, although technology can lead to some positive aspects as upgrading information and a means of amusement, it also has negative impacts on people as health issues and relationship so I believe the negative is greater than positive
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"In this day and age" -> "In the contemporary era"
Explanation: Replacing the colloquial expression "In this day and age" with "In the contemporary era" aligns with a more formal tone, suitable for academic writing.
"depict the problem detrimentally" -> "examine the issue critically"
Explanation: Substituting "depict the problem detrimentally" with "examine the issue critically" enhances the academic style by using a more precise and neutral expression.
"On the one hand" -> "Firstly"
Explanation: Transitioning from "On the one hand" to "Firstly" provides a more structured and formal introduction to the positive aspects of the trend.
"Indeed" -> "Moreover"
Explanation: Replacing "Indeed" with "Moreover" adds sophistication to the sentence, maintaining coherence while adhering to academic language norms.
"To be specific" -> "In particular"
Explanation: Substituting "To be specific" with "In particular" contributes to a more formal and precise presentation of specific examples.
"inform users of events" -> "keep users informed about events"
Explanation: Changing "inform users of events" to "keep users informed about events" results in a more formal and accurate expression of the intended meaning.
"major social networking sites such as Facebook and X" -> "prominent social networking platforms like Facebook and X"
Explanation: Using "prominent social networking platforms like Facebook and X" instead of "major social networking sites such as Facebook and X" elevates the formality of the sentence while maintaining clarity.
"On the other hand" -> "Secondly"
Explanation: Transitioning from "On the other hand" to "Secondly" provides a structured and formal introduction to the negative aspects of the trend.
"will cause adverse impacts" -> "may have detrimental effects"
Explanation: Replacing "will cause adverse impacts" with "may have detrimental effects" introduces a more cautious and nuanced tone, aligning with academic conventions.
"package" -> "posture"
Explanation: Replacing "package" with "posture" corrects the error and maintains coherence, addressing the negative impact of technology on health.
"according to research" -> "research indicates"
Explanation: Substituting "according to research" with "research indicates" is a more formal and academically appropriate way to attribute information.
"whose major factor is accessing the neon screen on phones, computers, and TV" -> "largely attributed to prolonged exposure to neon screens on phones, computers, and TVs"
Explanation: The suggested change enhances clarity and precision, presenting the cause of eye strain more explicitly and formally.
"In conclusion" -> "To conclude"
Explanation: Transitioning from "In conclusion" to "To conclude" is a subtle change that aligns with academic writing conventions.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Quoted text: "From my perspective, the trend has benefits and drawbacks and in this essay, I will depict the problem detrimentally."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction hints at presenting both positive and negative aspects of technology in leisure but lacks a clear outline of the essay’s structure. To enhance clarity, consider explicitly stating the main points that will be discussed in the subsequent paragraphs. For instance, mention the specific positive and negative impacts that will be explored, providing a roadmap for the reader.
- Improved example: "From my perspective, the reliance on technology for leisure activities brings both advantages and disadvantages. This essay will delineate the positive influence on leisure pursuits, such as enhanced access to entertainment and information, and also shed light on the negative ramifications, primarily concerning health and social interactions."
Quoted text: "Indeed, there are more and more options for people to satisfy their need for amusement such as playing games, listening to music, or watching movies."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The point regarding diverse entertainment options due to technology is well-highlighted. However, to strengthen this argument, consider expanding on how these activities have evolved and diversified with technological advancements. Elaborate on how these options have transformed leisure activities, making them more personalized, engaging, or accessible, drawing from specific examples or personal experiences.
- Improved example: "The evolution of technology has significantly broadened leisure options, offering a plethora of interactive games, customizable music playlists, and a wide range of movies and series. For instance, gaming experiences have evolved from simple consoles to immersive virtual reality environments, catering to individual preferences and interests."
Quoted text: "To be specific, most activities based on technology require people to sit for a long time, promoting a sedentary lifestyle."
- Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: This point addresses the negative impact on health, mentioning the sedentary lifestyle promoted by technology-based activities. To further bolster this argument, elaborate on the adverse health consequences linked to prolonged sitting and how it specifically affects individuals. Offering personal anecdotes or examples of people’s health deteriorating due to excessive screen time can strengthen this argument.
- Improved example: "Prolonged engagement in technological leisure pursuits, often involving extended periods of sitting, has been associated with various health issues. For instance, individuals frequently spending hours on screens have reported increased instances of back problems, muscle strains, and even metabolic disorders due to a lack of physical activity."
Overall, while the essay adequately covers both sides of the argument regarding technology in leisure activities, strengthening the structure, expanding examples, and providing more detailed personal experiences or observations would significantly enhance the essay’s Task Response criteria.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
The essay demonstrates a generally coherent organization of ideas. There is a clear overall progression, with the introduction presenting the topic and the body paragraphs discussing positive and negative aspects. The use of cohesive devices is effective in connecting sentences and ideas within paragraphs. However, there are instances of faulty or mechanical cohesion, particularly in the repetition of phrases like "To be specific." Paragraphing is used, but not always logically, as some ideas could be better organized within paragraphs.
How to improve:
- Logical Organization: Ensure a more logical organization of ideas within paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea, and the flow between paragraphs should be smoother.
- Cohesive Devices: While cohesive devices are generally used effectively, try to vary them to enhance coherence further. Avoid repetitive phrases, such as "To be specific," and explore a wider range of linking words.
- Paragraphing: Pay attention to the logical placement of ideas within paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic, and transitions between paragraphs are seamless for a more coherent structure.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task. There’s an attempt to use less common vocabulary, but with some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The essay contains various words and expressions, but there are instances where vocabulary could be used more precisely or fluently to convey ideas. There are errors in word choice and spelling, but they don’t significantly impede communication.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, focus on refining the use of vocabulary by employing more sophisticated and precise terms where possible. Work on improving word choice and collocation to ensure a smoother flow of ideas. Additionally, attention to spelling and word formation will further strengthen the overall presentation.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable use of a variety of complex structures, showcasing a good command of grammar and punctuation. The writer effectively uses a mix of sentence forms, incorporating both simple and complex structures. The essay maintains a relatively high level of accuracy with only a few errors. For instance, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "I will depict the problem detrimentally," which could be expressed more clearly. Additionally, there are minor punctuation errors, like missing commas in some places.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on refining sentence structures for clarity and coherence. Proofreading for punctuation errors, such as missing commas or incorrect usage, will further elevate the overall accuracy of the essay. Additionally, the writer can aim for more varied vocabulary to enhance the overall language proficiency and lexical resource. Overall, maintaining the current level of complexity while polishing language mechanics will contribute to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
In the current era, people heavily lean on technology for their leisure pursuits. In my view, this trend brings both advantages and disadvantages, which I’ll address in this essay, highlighting the drawbacks more prominently.
On the positive side, this reliance on technology yields several benefits. Initially, technology primarily served as a source of entertainment and communication. Undoubtedly, there’s an increasing array of options available for individuals to fulfill their need for amusement, such as gaming, music streaming, and movie watching. Furthermore, during leisure hours, individuals utilize technology to broaden their knowledge and stay updated. It’s noteworthy that our society progresses continually, with new information emerging daily. Consequently, individuals require constant updates. Hence, a mobile phone equipped with internet connectivity enables users to access global events, allowing them to stay in sync with current trends. For instance, prominent social networking platforms like Facebook and X disseminate worldwide updates.
Conversely, there are detrimental aspects to this trend. Primarily, technology can negatively impact health. Specifically, most technology-based activities demand prolonged sitting, leading to a sedentary lifestyle. Consequently, a significant portion of the population suffers from issues like eye strain, obesity, and posture-related problems. For instance, in Vietnam, over 30% of individuals experience eye strain, largely attributable to excessive screen time on phones, computers, and televisions. Secondly, excessive reliance on technology can impede real-life relationships. It’s evident that individuals often become absorbed in their devices, neglecting interactions with family members and friends.
In conclusion, while technology brings positive aspects such as information accessibility and entertainment, its adverse effects on health and relationships outweigh these benefits. Therefore, I believe the negative impacts of technology surpass the positive ones.