Nowadays, young people are admiring media and sport stars, even though they do not set a good example. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?
In modern society, youngsters are having a great admiration for celebrities and sports celebrities, despite the fact that they are not always role models. From my perspective, while recognizing certain positive aspects of this phenomenon, I reckon that it is a generally negative development.
On the one hand, there are certain benefits of admiring media and sport celebrities. First, these stars typically act as a motivation for the young with their achievements in their career paths. To be specific, media and sport celebrities may inspire their admirers to learn and work by their exertion, which can be attributed to their pursuit of their dreams. For example, Lionel Messi, known as the greatest footballer of all time, is a role model for everyone that he overcame his lack of growth hormone to become a skillful football player and achieve prestigious individual awards. Another merit is that activities towards society from influencers may positively effect their advocates’ behaviors and personalities. In particular, there is an increasing number of celebrities partaking in voluntary and charitable activities, using their own assets. Rapper Den, for instance, has often been praised for his heartwarming actions – donating all of his new songs' sales profits to impoverished children living in Northwestern Vietnam.
On the other hand, there are potential detrimental effects of the aforementioned trend, which can eclipse the merits. Specifically, some celebrities appear to have inappropriate lifestyles or even get involved in illicit activities in their lives. This has a greater and more direct influence on impressionable children, particularly in their day-to-day lives. More terribly, even though many youngsters are aware of the danger, they may still mimic their idols to use it out of curiosity, or the need to express themselves. Furthermore, at a very young age, adolescents may not be highly likely to be able to distinguish between what is negative and positive about their idols. Consequently, those stars will be to blame, should any severe consequences arise from young people imitating their careless actions.
In conclusion, while the phenomenon that young people idolize popular individuals might be beneficial to a certain extent, I assert that the more dangerous potential drawbacks are irrefutable.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"youngsters" -> "young individuals"
Explanation: Replacing "youngsters" with "young individuals" is a more formal and precise term, aligning with academic language standards.
"reckon" -> "believe"
Explanation: Substituting "reckon" with "believe" enhances the formality of the language. "Believe" is a more conventional term in academic writing.
"great admiration" -> "significant admiration"
Explanation: Changing "great" to "significant" elevates the intensity of the admiration, contributing to a more formal tone.
"From my perspective" -> "In my view"
Explanation: "In my view" is a more formal phrase than "From my perspective," aligning better with academic writing conventions.
"benefits" -> "advantages"
Explanation: "Advantages" is a more formal synonym for "benefits," maintaining the academic tone of the essay.
"To be specific" -> "Specifically"
Explanation: "Specifically" is a more concise and formal transition, enhancing the flow of the sentence.
"may positively effect" -> "may positively influence"
Explanation: "Influence" is a more precise and formal term than "effect" in this context.
"partaking" -> "engaging"
Explanation: Replacing "partaking" with "engaging" contributes to a more sophisticated vocabulary choice.
"inappropriate lifestyles" -> "unconventional lifestyles"
Explanation: Substituting "inappropriate" with "unconventional" maintains the formality of the language while providing a nuanced description.
"terribly" -> "more significantly"
Explanation: Changing "terribly" to "more significantly" adds emphasis in a formal manner, enhancing the impact of the sentence.
"highly likely to be able to" -> "likely to"
Explanation: Simplifying the phrase to "likely to" maintains clarity without sacrificing formality.
"irrefutable" -> "undeniable"
Explanation: "Undeniable" is a more formal term, reinforcing the strength of the assertion in the conclusion.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay thoroughly addresses all parts of the prompt. It discusses both positive and negative aspects of young people admiring media and sport stars, providing specific examples to support the arguments. For instance, it mentions the motivational aspect of celebrities’ achievements and highlights the positive impact of celebrities engaging in voluntary and charitable activities.
- How to improve: While the coverage is comprehensive, consider providing a brief summary of the main points in the introduction to give readers a clear roadmap for the essay.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout. The writer consistently argues that the trend of admiring celebrities is generally negative, despite acknowledging certain positive aspects. The stance is evident in both the introduction and the conclusion.
- How to improve: No specific improvement is needed in this aspect; the essay effectively communicates and maintains its stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas, extends them with relevant examples, and supports them with specific instances. Examples such as Lionel Messi’s inspirational story and rapper Den’s charitable activities are well integrated to bolster the arguments.
- How to improve: To enhance coherence, ensure smooth transitions between ideas and examples. Consider using transitional phrases to guide the reader through different points.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, discussing the impact of young people admiring media and sport stars. However, there is a slight deviation in the introduction, where the phrase "while recognizing certain positive aspects of this phenomenon" might be seen as introducing a counter-argument. The rest of the essay, though, remains focused on the overall negative development.
- How to improve: To maintain clarity, consider rephrasing the introduction to avoid any ambiguity about the overall position on the issue.
In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, effectively presents ideas with supporting examples, and maintains a clear position throughout. Minor improvements in introductory clarity and transitional phrases could enhance overall coherence.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. It opens with a clear introduction, presents both positive and negative aspects of admiring media and sport celebrities, and concludes with a concise summary. Each paragraph focuses on a specific point, enhancing clarity. However, the transition between the positive and negative aspects could be smoother, and the concluding statement feels somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases to connect ideas between paragraphs. Ensure a smoother transition between discussing the positive and negative aspects by providing a brief overview of the main points before delving into each.
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively. Each paragraph addresses a distinct aspect of the argument, contributing to clarity and readability. However, the second paragraph, discussing the positive aspects, is relatively long, and breaking it into smaller, more focused paragraphs could improve readability.
- How to improve: Divide the second paragraph into smaller, more focused paragraphs. Each subtopic, such as the motivational impact and societal contributions of celebrities, can be a separate paragraph, aiding in better organization and readability.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: Cohesive devices are reasonably utilized, contributing to the overall coherence. The essay incorporates transition words and phrases (e.g., "on the one hand," "on the other hand," "in conclusion"). However, there’s room for improvement in diversifying the range of cohesive devices for more nuanced connections between sentences and ideas.
- How to improve: Experiment with a wider array of cohesive devices, including synonyms for commonly used transitions. This will add variety to the essay and create a more sophisticated flow. Additionally, consider using cohesive devices within paragraphs to strengthen the connection between sentences.
In conclusion, while the essay effectively organizes information and uses paragraphs to convey ideas coherently, there is room for improvement in the seamless transition between positive and negative aspects and the diversification of cohesive devices. Implementing these suggestions can elevate the essay’s coherence and cohesion to a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some varied expressions and terms used appropriately. There is evidence of attempting to use more complex vocabulary, such as "exertion" and "detrimental effects." However, there is room for improvement in introducing a wider array of vocabulary to enhance the richness of the language.
- How to improve: To elevate the vocabulary range, consider incorporating more advanced vocabulary related to specific topics. For instance, in the discussion of positive influences, explore words like "exemplary" or "commendable." Additionally, explore synonyms for commonly used words to diversify expression.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision, though there are instances where word choices could be more accurate. For example, the use of "impressionable children" is appropriate, but there are opportunities to replace more common terms like "beneficial" with more precise alternatives.
- How to improve: Aim for greater precision by selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Instead of "beneficial," consider using terms like "advantageous" or "constructive" depending on the context. Review your essay for areas where more specific vocabulary could enhance clarity and depth.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling in the essay is generally accurate, but there are a few instances where errors are present. Examples include "Den" (should be "Denz") and "effect" (should be "affect"). These errors, though minor, impact the overall spelling accuracy.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread the essay carefully, paying attention to common errors and ensuring the correct spelling of names and words. Consider utilizing spelling and grammar tools to catch minor mistakes and improve overall accuracy.
In summary, while the essay exhibits a commendable use of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in both range and precision. Additionally, focusing on meticulous proofreading will further elevate the overall quality of the Lexical Resource, contributing to an enhanced IELTS Task 2 essay.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple and complex sentences, but some of the sentences could be more varied to enhance the overall fluency and sophistication. For example, the essay tends to use a straightforward sentence structure with subject-verb-object patterns.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating complex sentences with subordinate clauses and varying sentence lengths. Additionally, use rhetorical devices such as parallelism to add stylistic variety and make the essay more engaging.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For example, in the phrase "using their own assets," it could be clearer if it specifies what assets are being used. Punctuation is generally correct, but there are a few instances where commas or punctuation marks could enhance clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, carefully review sentence structures and pay attention to subject-verb agreement, article usage, and preposition placement. Ensure that each sentence is clear and concise. For punctuation, focus on using commas effectively to separate ideas and enhance readability. Also, consider using semicolons and colons to connect related clauses.
This essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and a good range of sentence structures. To further enhance the grammatical range, the writer can experiment with more complex structures and work on refining sentence fluency. Paying attention to punctuation details will contribute to the overall clarity and precision of the essay. Keep up the good work!
Bài sửa mẫu
In contemporary society, young individuals express significant admiration for media and sports stars, even when these figures may not always serve as positive role models. In my view, acknowledging certain advantages associated with this trend, I believe it is a generally negative development.
On one hand, there are specific benefits to admiring media and sports celebrities. Firstly, these stars often serve as motivation for the youth due to their accomplishments in their respective careers. Specifically, media and sports celebrities may inspire their admirers to learn and work hard, as evidenced by their dedication to pursuing their dreams. For instance, Lionel Messi, acclaimed as the greatest footballer of all time, serves as a role model for overcoming challenges, having triumphed over a lack of growth hormone to become a skilled football player and earn prestigious individual awards. Another advantage is the positive influence on followers’ behavior and personalities through celebrities engaging in societal activities. Notably, an increasing number of celebrities participate in voluntary and charitable endeavors, utilizing their resources for the greater good. Rapper Den, for example, has been praised for his heartwarming actions, such as donating all profits from his new songs to impoverished children in Northwestern Vietnam.
On the other hand, potential detrimental effects of this trend exist, which may overshadow the merits. Specifically, some celebrities lead unconventional lifestyles or engage in illicit activities, directly impacting impressionable children in their daily lives. More significantly, despite awareness of the risks, many youngsters may still imitate their idols out of curiosity or the need for self-expression. Additionally, at a young age, adolescents may not be likely to distinguish between negative and positive aspects of their idols. Consequently, these stars could be held responsible if severe consequences arise from young people imitating their careless actions.
In conclusion, while the phenomenon of young individuals idolizing popular figures may have certain advantages, I maintain that the undeniable potential drawbacks, especially concerning inappropriate behaviors, make it a generally negative development.