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Numerous animal species worldwide are currently facing extinction. Some argue that countries and individuals should prioritise protecting these animals, while others believe resources should be focused more on human issues. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Numerous animal species worldwide are currently facing extinction. Some argue that countries and individuals should prioritise protecting these animals, while others believe resources should be focused more on human issues. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

There is a current divergence of opinions on the topic of countries’ main priorities. While many advocate for the government budget to be allocated to protecting endangered animals, some state that the main focus of the authorities should be human matters. Although the notion of one wanting to save the animals is reasonable, it is not as practical as prioritising human matters first-hand. In this essay, I will discuss both sides and highlight the practicality of allocating funds and attention to human affairs.

On the one hand, animals, like any beings, play crucial parts in keeping biodiversity balanced, unless they are protected, many repercussions will follow. Firstly, wild animals keep a key role in nature, putting specific types of creatures in danger would cause a drastic imbalance in the local environment. Coyotes, for instance, are predators and their main meal is rats; ever since the last pack of coyotes became extinct, the reproduction rates of rats in Northern Europe skyrocketed. As a result, many diseases occurred leading to increased infant fatalities and decreased quality of life. Moreover, as a matter of fact, humans and nature have been co-dependent on each other from the very dawn of Earth. Losing animals to extinction can cause enormous problems for society. To exemplify, some specific aqua creatures have the ability to purify water, and cleanse the environment for some water bodies that humans are very much dependent on.

On the other hand, humans are the base of societies, unless human-related problems have not been solved before reaching out to other matters, the basis of humanity will fall, leading to consequences. To begin, human beings are the cells of society, and addressing the problems will strengthen the community as a whole. If the government is aware of the illiteracy in some areas of the country and implements policies on providing public education, the future workforce will be fully educated, resulting in high-quality productions benefiting the economy. The same process applies to most issues. Moreover, if the citizens are not ensured to be safe and have a high quality of life, there is almost no possibility for the authorities to identify any natural issues. They might consider working on solutions and plans for the betterment of individuals in one country since it is more urgent, before identifying a problem regarding environment and animal extinctions.

To be concluded, the notion of saving endangered animals is rational since it has a key role in balancing biodiversity and strengthening the bonds and co-dependence with humans. Nevertheless, it is more practical to pay more attention to human-related issues as for the society construction and the urgency of the matter.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "countries’ main priorities" -> "national priorities"
    Explanation: "countries’ main priorities" can be simplified to "national priorities," maintaining formality and conciseness.

  2. "advocate for" -> "advocate allocating resources to"
    Explanation: "advocate for" can be enhanced by specifying the action advocated. "Advocate allocating resources to" makes the statement more precise and academically formal.

  3. "state that" -> "argue that"
    Explanation: "state that" can be substituted with "argue that," adding a more assertive tone fitting for an academic essay.

  4. "wanting to save" -> "aiming to preserve"
    Explanation: "wanting to save" can be replaced with "aiming to preserve" for a more formal and specific description of the intention.

  5. "first-hand" -> "directly"
    Explanation: "first-hand" can be substituted with "directly" for a clearer and more formal expression.

  6. "discuss both sides" -> "examine both perspectives"
    Explanation: "discuss both sides" can be refined to "examine both perspectives," which is more formal and precise.

  7. "On the one hand" -> "Firstly"
    Explanation: "On the one hand" can be replaced with "Firstly" for better structural coherence and formality in presenting arguments.

  8. "beings" -> "entities"
    Explanation: "beings" can be substituted with "entities" for a more academic and formal tone.

  9. "many repercussions will follow" -> "numerous consequences may ensue"
    Explanation: "many repercussions will follow" can be elevated to "numerous consequences may ensue" for a more formal and nuanced expression.

  10. "have been co-dependent" -> "have had a symbiotic relationship"
    Explanation: "co-dependent" can be replaced with "have had a symbiotic relationship" to convey a more formal and specific term.

  11. "skyrocketed" -> "increased dramatically"
    Explanation: "skyrocketed" can be replaced with "increased dramatically" for a more formal and descriptive term.

  12. "as a matter of fact" -> "in fact"
    Explanation: "as a matter of fact" can be substituted with "in fact" for a more concise and formal expression.

  13. "illiteracy" -> "lack of literacy"
    Explanation: "illiteracy" can be replaced with "lack of literacy" for a more formal and precise term.

  14. "be concluded" -> "conclude"
    Explanation: "be concluded" can be simplified to "conclude" for a more direct and formal tone in concluding the essay.

  15. "more practical" -> "more feasible"
    Explanation: "more practical" can be substituted with "more feasible" for a nuanced and formal term expressing practicality.

The suggestions aim to enhance the essay’s formality and precision without sacrificing clarity or coherence in presenting arguments in an academic context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "While many advocate for the government budget to be allocated to protecting endangered animals, some state that the main focus of the authorities should be human matters."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your introduction adequately presents both sides of the argument. However, to enhance clarity, consider briefly outlining the main points you will discuss in the essay. This would help guide the reader and create a more structured and organized essay.
    • Improved example: "While many advocate for the government budget to be allocated to protecting endangered animals, arguing for the preservation of biodiversity, others contend that the main focus of authorities should be human matters. In this essay, I will delve into the practicality of allocating funds and attention to these contrasting priorities."
  2. Quoted text: "Unless human-related problems have not been solved before reaching out to other matters, the basis of humanity will fall, leading to consequences."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: This argument lacks clarity in expressing the consequences. To improve, specify the potential consequences and provide a more detailed explanation. For example, elaborate on how addressing human-related problems first contributes to the stability and progress of society.
    • Improved example: "Unless human-related problems, such as poverty and education, are addressed first, the very foundation of humanity may crumble, resulting in long-term consequences. By prioritizing these issues, governments can ensure the well-being and development of society, laying a solid groundwork for addressing other concerns."
  3. Quoted text: "To be concluded, the notion of saving endangered animals is rational since it has a key role in balancing biodiversity and strengthening the bonds and co-dependence with humans."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points. However, consider reinforcing your own opinion and perhaps suggesting a balanced approach that integrates both animal and human welfare. This could add nuance to your stance and demonstrate a more holistic understanding of the issue.
    • Improved example: "In conclusion, while saving endangered animals is rational for biodiversity and co-dependence with humans, a balanced approach that addresses both animal and human welfare can pave the way for a harmonious and sustainable future. Prioritizing resources wisely ensures the well-being of all living beings on our planet."

Overall, your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the task. To enhance your score, focus on refining the clarity of your arguments and providing more detailed explanations.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information and ideas with a clear progression throughout. The introduction sets the stage by presenting the divergent views on allocating resources to protect animals or address human issues. Each paragraph maintains a clear central topic, presenting arguments for both perspectives. The essay effectively uses cohesive devices to link ideas within sentences and paragraphs. The examples provided, such as the impact of coyote extinction on rat population and the importance of education for societal development, contribute to a coherent argument. However, there is occasional overuse of certain phrases like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," and some sentences could benefit from varied sentence structures.

How to improve:

  1. Diversify sentence structures to enhance overall coherence.
  2. Avoid overusing specific transitional phrases.
  3. Ensure that referencing and substitution are clear and appropriate throughout.
  4. While paragraphing is generally logical, consider refining the transition between paragraphs for a smoother flow.
  5. Maintain a consistent tone to enhance cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficiently wide range of vocabulary, showcasing an understanding of less common lexical items and some awareness of style and collocation. There’s an attempt to use vocabulary with flexibility and precision, contributing to conveying nuanced meanings. While occasional errors in word choice and word formation occur, they do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To further enhance the lexical resource, focus on refining word choice and collocation. Pay closer attention to the accuracy of less common lexical items and ensure they align precisely with the context. Review sentence structures to strengthen the use of vocabulary and maintain consistency in expressing ideas throughout the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation, using a variety of complex sentence structures throughout. The writer effectively communicates ideas with minimal errors, and the majority of sentences are error-free. The essay showcases good control of grammar and punctuation, contributing to the overall clarity of the content. However, there are a few instances where minor errors or awkward phrasings occur, and these do not significantly impede understanding. The use of vocabulary and expression is generally strong, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should pay closer attention to sentence construction and ensure that each sentence is clear and concise. Additionally, proofreading the essay for minor errors and awkward phrasings will further elevate the overall fluency of the language. Expanding the range of complex structures and refining the choice of vocabulary can contribute to a more nuanced and sophisticated expression of ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a ongoing debate about the priorities of countries, with some arguing for the allocation of government resources to protect endangered animals, while others emphasize the need to address human issues. While the idea of saving animals is commendable, it may not be as practical as prioritizing human concerns. In this essay, I will explore both perspectives and underscore the practicality of directing funds and attention towards human affairs.

On one hand, animals, like any living beings, play crucial roles in maintaining balanced biodiversity. Failing to protect them can lead to significant consequences. For instance, certain predators like coyotes help control rat populations, and their extinction can disrupt the local environment. In Northern Europe, the disappearance of coyotes resulted in a surge in rat numbers, leading to the spread of diseases, increased infant fatalities, and a decline in the quality of life. Additionally, some aquatic creatures possess the ability to purify water, benefiting environments on which humans rely.

On the other hand, humans are the foundation of societies, and addressing human-related issues is essential before tackling other concerns. If issues such as illiteracy are not addressed first, the foundations of society weaken, leading to adverse consequences. For instance, addressing illiteracy through public education policies enhances the quality of the workforce, contributing to economic prosperity. This principle applies to various other issues, as ensuring the safety and well-being of citizens allows authorities to identify and address natural issues effectively.

In conclusion, while the idea of saving endangered animals is rational due to its role in balancing biodiversity and strengthening the bonds with humans, it is more practical to prioritize attention to human-related issues. Addressing these concerns contributes to the construction of a strong society and is more urgent given the immediate impact on individuals.

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