Numerous animal species worldwide are currently facing extinction. Some argue that countries and individuals should prioritize protecting these animals, while others believe resources should be focused more on human issues. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Many people believe that governments should allocate more money on protecting wild animals, others think that authorities should be focused on human matters. Personally, I think that although one wanting to save the animals is reasonable, it is not as pratical as prioritizing human matters at first.
On the one hand, animals play crucial role in keeping biodiversity balances, unless they are protected, many consequences will follow. First wild animals keep a key role in nature, putting a specific type of animals in danger would cause a drastic imbalance into the environment. For example, coyotes are predators and their main meal is rats. Since the last pack of coyotes become extinct, the reproduction rate of rats in Europe skyrocketed. Therefore, many diseases occurred, leading to increased infant fatalities and decreased quality of life. Besides, human and nature are co-dependent on each other. Hence, losing animals to extinction can cause problems for society. To be more specific, there are various aqua creatures have the ability to purify water and clean the environment for some water bodies that human are very much dependent on.
On the other hand, humans are the base of society, if human-relate problems have not been solved, the basis of humanity will fall. If issues are not tackled first, the foundations of society weaken, leading to adverse consequences. For instance, addressing illiteracy through public education policies can facilitate the quality of workforce, contributing economic prosperity. Moreover, if citizens are not ensured to be safe and have a high quality of life, there will be no possibility for authorities to identify any natural issues. They might consider working on solutions and plans for betterment individuals in one country, before identifying a problem regarding environment and animal extinction.
Based on substantiated arguments, it stands to reason that while protecting animals that are in danger is very essential, governments should pay more attention to tackle human issues.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
"pratical" -> "practical"
Explanation: "Pratical" is a misspelling. Replacing it with "practical" corrects the error and maintains the formal tone.
"First wild animals keep a key role" -> "Wild animals play a crucial role"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence to "Wild animals play a crucial role" maintains the academic tone while expressing the importance of animals more directly and clearly.
"Since the last pack of coyotes become extinct" -> "Since the extinction of the last pack of coyotes"
Explanation: The revised phrase "Since the extinction of the last pack of coyotes" offers better clarity and corrects the tense usage.
"leading to increased infant fatalities and decreased quality of life" -> "resulting in increased infant mortality rates and reduced quality of life"
Explanation: Replacing "leading to increased infant fatalities and decreased quality of life" with "resulting in increased infant mortality rates and reduced quality of life" uses more formal language and specifies the impact with greater precision.
"Besides, human and nature are co-dependent on each other." -> "Moreover, humans and nature are interdependent."
Explanation: Substituting "Besides" with "Moreover" and rephrasing the sentence improves the formality and conciseness of the expression.
"To be more specific, there are various aqua creatures have the ability" -> "Specifically, various aquatic creatures possess the ability"
Explanation: The revised phrase "Specifically, various aquatic creatures possess the ability" corrects the structure and improves the precision of the statement.
"there are various aqua creatures have the ability to purify water and clean the environment" -> "various aquatic creatures can purify water and help maintain environmental cleanliness"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence enhances clarity and formality, maintaining a more academic tone.
"humans are the base of society" -> "humans form the foundation of society"
Explanation: Replacing "humans are the base of society" with "humans form the foundation of society" provides a more formal and precise expression.
"the basis of humanity will fall" -> "the foundation of humanity will crumble"
Explanation: Replacing "the basis of humanity will fall" with "the foundation of humanity will crumble" maintains the formality while enhancing the clarity and impact of the statement.
"issues are not tackled first" -> "prioritizing the resolution of issues"
Explanation: Replacing "issues are not tackled first" with "prioritizing the resolution of issues" offers a more formal and precise expression.
"the foundations of society weaken" -> "the fabric of society weakens"
Explanation: Substituting "the foundations of society weaken" with "the fabric of society weakens" maintains formality while offering a more vivid expression.
"addressing illiteracy through public education policies can facilitate" -> "addressing illiteracy via public education policies can foster"
Explanation: Changing "can facilitate" to "can foster" maintains formality and introduces a nuanced variation in expression.
"there will be no possibility for authorities to identify any natural issues" -> "authorities will be unable to identify environmental issues"
Explanation: The revised phrase enhances clarity and specificity by changing "identify any natural issues" to "identify environmental issues."
"for betterment individuals in one country" -> "for the improvement of individuals in a particular country"
Explanation: Substituting "betterment individuals" with "improvement of individuals" and specifying "in a particular country" enhances clarity and formality.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Quoted text: "Personally, I think that although one wanting to save the animals is reasonable, it is not as practical as prioritizing human matters at first."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your introduction provides a clear stance on the issue, which is positive. However, it would be beneficial to include a brief overview of the main points you will discuss in the essay. This can enhance the organization and coherence of your argument. For instance, you could outline the reasons supporting the prioritization of human issues and briefly mention counterarguments related to animal protection.
- Improved example: "While I acknowledge the importance of saving endangered animals, I believe that prioritizing human matters is more practical. In this essay, I will discuss the critical role of humans in societal foundations and argue why addressing human-related issues should take precedence."
Quoted text: "On the one hand, animals play a crucial role in keeping biodiversity balances, unless they are protected, many consequences will follow."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your discussion on the role of animals in maintaining biodiversity is a strong point. However, you could strengthen this argument by providing specific examples or anecdotes from your own knowledge or experience. For instance, you might share a personal encounter with the impact of animal extinction on the local ecosystem or mention a specific case where the absence of certain animals led to ecological imbalances.
- Improved example: "On the one hand, animals play a crucial role in maintaining biodiversity. In my hometown, the decline of a specific bird species disrupted the local ecosystem, resulting in an overpopulation of insects and a subsequent decrease in crop yields."
Quoted text: "First wild animals keep a key role in nature, putting a specific type of animals in danger would cause a drastic imbalance into the environment."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your argument about the potential imbalance caused by endangering specific animal species is valid. To further support this point, consider providing a more detailed explanation or offering a relevant example. You could describe how the extinction of a particular species led to ecological disruptions, impacting both the environment and human well-being.
- Improved example: "The pivotal role of wild animals in nature cannot be overstated. For instance, the disappearance of bees in certain regions has led to a decline in pollination, affecting not only the ecosystem but also agricultural productivity and food security."
Overall, your essay addresses the task by presenting a clear position and providing relevant ideas. Enhancing your examples and adding specific details can further strengthen your arguments and contribute to a more nuanced discussion.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
The essay presents coherent ideas with a clear overall progression. It begins by addressing both perspectives and transitions into supporting the importance of animal preservation. However, there are areas where the cohesion could be improved. The logical organization is generally clear, but there are moments where the flow could be smoother. Cohesive devices are used effectively in parts, but some sentences lack smooth connections, affecting the overall coherence. Paragraphing is evident but could benefit from more logical structuring.
How to improve:
Work on enhancing the connectivity between ideas within and between sentences. Utilize cohesive devices consistently for smoother transitions. Refine paragraph structure to ensure each paragraph focuses distinctly on a central topic. Strive for more consistent and logical paragraphing to enhance the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary to address the topic, covering arguments related to the protection of animal species and the prioritization of human issues. There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary, but some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation are present throughout the text. The essay discusses the importance of wildlife in maintaining biodiversity and the interdependence of humans and nature, although some sentences lack clarity or coherence due to language limitations. Some errors in word formation and spelling are noticeable, but they do not significantly impede communication.
How to improve:
To enhance the lexical resource score, strive to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary with more precise and accurate usage. Work on refining word choice and collocation to express ideas more effectively. Review and revise sentences for clarity and coherence to ensure a more cohesive presentation of arguments. Additionally, focus on improving word formation and spelling accuracy to minimize errors and enhance overall readability.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including complex sentences. There is an attempt to use a variety of vocabulary and connectives, contributing to coherence. The candidate successfully conveys ideas regarding the importance of protecting animals and addressing human issues. Despite some minor errors, the majority of sentences are error-free, and the candidate exhibits good control of grammar and punctuation. However, occasional errors in articles, verb tense, and word choice are present, impacting the overall accuracy.
How to improve:
Grammar Accuracy: The essay can benefit from closer attention to grammar, particularly in the correct usage of articles and verb tenses. For example, "one wanting" should be "someone wanting," and "pratical" should be spelled as "practical."
Word Choice and Expression: Aim for precision in vocabulary selection to enhance clarity. For instance, in the phrase "it is not as pratical as prioritizing human matters at first," replacing "pratical" with "practical" would improve accuracy.
Sentence Structure: Continue to diversify sentence structures, ensuring coherence and cohesion. Some sentences are lengthy and could be refined for clarity.
In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a strong command of language, addressing these areas of improvement can elevate the writing to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
There is a debate about where resources should be directed: toward protecting endangered animal species or addressing human issues. While some advocate for allocating funds to safeguard wildlife, others prioritize resolving human-centric concerns. In my view, while safeguarding animals holds merit, focusing on human matters initially appears more practical.
On one hand, wild animals play a crucial role in maintaining the balance of biodiversity. Endangering specific animal species disrupts the natural equilibrium. For instance, the extinction of the coyotes, natural predators of rats, in Europe led to a surge in rat population, resulting in diseases, increased infant mortality, and a decline in the quality of life. Additionally, humans and nature are interdependent. Various aquatic creatures possess the ability to purify water and aid in environmental cleanliness, crucial for water bodies that sustain human life.
On the contrary, humans form the foundation of society. Failure to address human-related issues weakens this foundation, leading to adverse consequences. Prioritizing the resolution of issues like illiteracy through public education policies enhances the quality of the workforce and contributes to economic prosperity. Furthermore, without ensuring the safety and well-being of citizens, authorities may overlook environmental problems.
In conclusion, while protecting endangered animals remains crucial, addressing pressing human issues takes precedence. Governments should concentrate efforts on resolving human-centric challenges, ensuring a stable foundation for society, while simultaneously considering measures to safeguard endangered wildlife.