Numerous animal species worldwide are currently facing extinction. Some argue that countries and individuals should prioritize protecting these animals, while others believe resources should be focused more on human issues. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
In today's society, various species are in danger from detrimental factors; therefore, some people are of the opinion that these animals should be preserved while the opponents think that concentrating on human problems is far more essential. From my perspective, it would be true that human issues are noticeable, but protecting the animal also contributes a lot of benefits to biology and the environment.
Obviously, human activities are causing adverse impacts on numerous animals, so protecting them and encouraging individuals to participate are vital with some supporters. They believe that a lot of inventions of biology stem from these types of animals. For instance, it is easy to find some blogs on the Internet which agree with the opinion that treatments and medicines for cardiovascular disease are based on rare and wild mammals, especially in the forest. Although none of scientists had discussed that, this is still a reliable conception in this group of people.
On the other hand, the opponents might argue that the problems which humans are coping with are worthy to focus on rather than spending on preserving animals since those issues are aggravating due to the fast development of technology. Primarily, they are facing some undeniable problems as the consequences of modern life such as unemployment, pollution or hazardous information on the Internet. Therefore, their priority is spending time and money to tackle these issues rather than wasting resources on animals. Personally, I think despite the fact that the government and individuals should focus on human problems because of their significant impacts on our life, people can still protect the animal from the brink of extinction by some actions such as planting more trees for their habitat or stop hunting rare animals for money.
In conclusion, although focusing on the issues which everyone is coping with is important, people can reduce the adverse effects for almost all species or even shield them with some small actions since they are significant for biodiversity and biology.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"some people are of the opinion" -> "some individuals contend"
Explanation: Replacing "some people are of the opinion" with "some individuals contend" adds formality to the expression, making it more suitable for an academic context.
"it would be true that" -> "it holds true that"
Explanation: Substituting "it would be true that" with "it holds true that" enhances the strength and formality of the statement.
"noticeable" -> "evident"
Explanation: Replacing "noticeable" with "evident" introduces a more precise and formal term, aligning better with academic language.
"encouraging individuals to participate are vital with some supporters" -> "encouraging individuals to participate is crucial, according to some proponents."
Explanation: Adjusting the sentence structure for conciseness and clarity while introducing the term "proponents" instead of "some supporters" enhances formality.
"blogs on the Internet" -> "online articles"
Explanation: Substituting "blogs on the Internet" with "online articles" maintains the idea but uses a more formal term, suitable for an academic tone.
"Although none of scientists had discussed that" -> "While no scientists have explicitly discussed this"
Explanation: Changing "Although none of scientists had discussed that" to "While no scientists have explicitly discussed this" improves the precision of the expression and adheres to a more formal structure.
"reliable conception" -> "credible notion"
Explanation: Replacing "reliable conception" with "credible notion" introduces a more sophisticated term, aligning with academic language.
"opponents might argue" -> "opponents may contend"
Explanation: Substituting "opponents might argue" with "opponents may contend" maintains the meaning while using a more formal and precise term.
"coping with" -> "addressing"
Explanation: Changing "coping with" to "addressing" provides a more formal and precise expression, suitable for academic writing.
"due to the fast development of technology" -> "attributed to rapid technological advancement"
Explanation: Substituting "due to the fast development of technology" with "attributed to rapid technological advancement" offers a more formal and specific description.
"facing some undeniable problems" -> "confronting undeniable challenges"
Explanation: Replacing "facing some undeniable problems" with "confronting undeniable challenges" introduces a more formal and nuanced term.
"their priority is spending time and money to tackle these issues" -> "their priority lies in allocating time and resources to address these challenges"
Explanation: Adjusting the sentence structure for formality and precision while using the term "allocating time and resources" enhances academic tone.
"from the brink of extinction" -> "from the verge of extinction"
Explanation: Substituting "from the brink of extinction" with "from the verge of extinction" maintains the meaning while using a more formal expression.
"some small actions" -> "modest measures"
Explanation: Replacing "some small actions" with "modest measures" introduces a more formal and sophisticated term, aligning with academic language.
"although focusing on the issues which everyone is coping with is important" -> "while addressing the challenges that affect everyone is crucial"
Explanation: Rewording "although focusing on the issues which everyone is coping with is important" to "while addressing the challenges that affect everyone is crucial" enhances formality and precision.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Quoted text: "Obviously, human activities are causing adverse impacts on numerous animals, so protecting them and encouraging individuals to participate are vital with some supporters."
- Explanation and Improvement: The statement acknowledges the impact of human activities on animals but lacks specificity in defining these impacts. To enhance the Task Response, provide examples or further elucidate the adverse effects caused by human actions on animal species. For instance, citing examples like deforestation leading to the loss of natural habitats for various species or overfishing resulting in the depletion of marine life would strengthen your argument and illustrate the severity of the situation.
- Improved example: "Human activities, such as deforestation leading to the loss of habitats or overfishing causing the decline of marine species like bluefin tuna or sharks, are crucial factors contributing to the adverse impacts on numerous animals. Protecting these animals and urging individuals to participate becomes imperative due to such alarming consequences."
Quoted text: "Primarily, they are facing some undeniable problems as the consequences of modern life such as unemployment, pollution, or hazardous information on the Internet."
- Explanation and Improvement: While highlighting human issues, your explanation lacks depth and specificity. Consider elaborating on each issue to provide a clearer understanding. For instance, describing the effects of pollution on public health or the economy, specifying the types of hazardous information on the Internet (misinformation, cyberbullying, etc.), and discussing the nuances of unemployment (structural, cyclical, frictional) could significantly enrich your argument.
- Improved example: "Modern life brings forth multifaceted challenges, notably pollution adversely affecting public health and the economy, a proliferation of harmful misinformation online, and diverse facets of unemployment like structural barriers or cyclical fluctuations. These issues demand immediate attention and resources."
Quoted text: "people can still protect the animal from the brink of extinction by some actions such as planting more trees for their habitat or stop hunting rare animals for money."
- Explanation and Improvement: The solutions proposed lack depth and could be more comprehensive. To improve, expand on how these actions can directly contribute to animal conservation. Elaborate on how planting more trees contributes to habitat restoration and the interconnectedness between habitat preservation and species survival. Additionally, provide more context or examples regarding the detrimental impact of hunting rare animals for profit on their populations.
- Improved example: "Implementing extensive tree plantation initiatives not only aids in habitat restoration but also fosters biodiversity, crucial for the survival of several species. Furthermore, stringent regulations against hunting rare animals for commercial gains are pivotal to curb the decline in their populations, preserving the delicate balance of ecosystems."
Overall, the essay effectively addresses both perspectives but lacks specific examples and deeper explanations for the impacts of human actions and the proposed solutions for animal conservation and human issues. Expanding on these aspects would significantly strengthen the Task Response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
The essay demonstrates an attempt to arrange information and ideas in a coherent manner with a clear overall progression. There is an effort to introduce and conclude the discussion of both perspectives, although the essay lacks a consistently logical organization. Cohesive devices are used effectively at times, contributing to the overall flow of the essay. However, there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences is faulty or mechanical. The essay utilizes paragraphing, but not always in a logically structured manner. There is a discernible attempt to present a central topic within each paragraph, although the development and connectivity within and between paragraphs could be improved for better coherence.
How to Improve:
- Logical Organization: Ensure a more consistent logical progression of ideas throughout the essay. Connect thoughts and arguments more seamlessly to enhance coherence.
- Cohesive Devices: Use cohesive devices more effectively and purposefully. Focus on using them to establish clear relationships between ideas and sentences.
- Paragraph Structure: Improve paragraph structure by maintaining a clear topic sentence for each paragraph and ensuring a smoother flow between paragraphs. Consider using transition words to enhance coherence and cohesion.
Overall, the essay exhibits potential in addressing the prompt coherently and cohesively but would benefit from more precise organization, better use of cohesive devices, and enhanced paragraph structure to achieve a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision in expressing ideas. There is an attempt to use less common lexical items, such as "detrimental factors," "aggravating," and "conception," contributing to a varied vocabulary. Some awareness of style and collocation is evident, although occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation are present. For instance, "blog" might not be the most suitable term in the context of scientific discourse. Additionally, there are minor inaccuracies in sentence structures, such as "none of scientists," where "none of the scientists" would be more grammatically correct.
How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource, the writer could further refine word choices and ensure accurate usage of less common vocabulary. Careful proofreading is advised to address spelling and grammatical errors, enhancing overall precision in language use. Additionally, maintaining a consistent academic tone would contribute to the essay’s lexical sophistication.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. There’s an attempt to incorporate varied sentence forms, though the essay’s structural diversity could be more extensive. Grammar and punctuation are relatively sound, although errors are present and affect overall accuracy. The errors are not pervasive, yet they hinder the essay’s clarity and fluency at times. The language usage occasionally lacks precision and sophistication.
How to improve:
- Structural Diversity: Aim to incorporate a wider array of sentence structures, embracing a more diverse range of complex sentences. This can elevate the sophistication of the essay’s composition.
- Error Reduction: Focus on enhancing grammatical accuracy by revising sentences to eliminate errors. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, tenses, and sentence coherence.
- Language Precision: Strive for clearer and more precise language usage. This involves using appropriate vocabulary and ensuring accuracy in conveying ideas.
While the essay communicates the writer’s viewpoint effectively, refining the grammar, diversifying sentence structures, and enhancing linguistic precision will elevate its overall coherence and fluency, potentially attaining a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
In today’s society, various species face the threat of extinction due to detrimental factors. Some argue that preserving these animals should be a priority, while others believe that focusing on human issues is more essential. From my perspective, it is true that human issues are significant, but protecting animals also offers valuable benefits to biology and the environment.
Certainly, human activities are causing adverse impacts on numerous animals, making it crucial to protect them and encourage individual participation, as some advocates suggest. They believe that many advancements in biology stem from these animals. For instance, there are blogs on the Internet supporting the idea that treatments and medicines for cardiovascular diseases are based on rare and wild mammals, especially in the forest. Although not all scientists may discuss this, it remains a reliable concept among certain groups of people.
On the other hand, opponents might argue that addressing the problems humans face is more worthy of attention than spending resources on preserving animals. They point to issues exacerbated by the fast development of technology, such as unemployment, pollution, and the spread of hazardous information on the Internet. Their priority is to invest time and money in tackling these problems rather than allocating resources to animals.
Personally, I believe that while the government and individuals should focus on human problems due to their significant impact on our lives, efforts can still be made to protect animals from the brink of extinction. This can be achieved through actions like planting more trees for their habitat or halting the hunting of rare animals for profit.
In conclusion, while addressing the issues faced by humanity is important, people can mitigate the adverse effects on almost all species or even shield them through small actions. This is crucial for biodiversity and biology, highlighting the interconnectedness of human and animal well-being.