Our relationships with work colleagues or classmates are as important to our happiness as our relationship with our family. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Our relationships with work colleagues or classmates are as important to our happiness as our relationship with our family.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In this day and age, there is an ongoing debate about whether the significance of relationships with work colleagues or classmates which have similar value with family. However, some people argue that the family relationship is the most crucial ones. i am wholeheartedly in complete compatibility with this standpoint because the benefits from relationships with work colleagues or classmates including the communicate development and emotional stability.
With each person we meet every day, they always bring us some benefits. First and foremost. Good relationships with work colleagues or classmates can develop good communication. We can easily share problems about works or studies with work colleagues or classmates who we have a close connection. It enables us to approach diverse perspectives thereby improving communication, enhancing confidence and facilitating work efficiency.
Moreover, relationships with work colleagues or classmates play an important role in emotional stability since it enables us to share personal emotions about difficulty in working, studying such as peer depressures, difficult work which we are facing. Ultimately, we can face challenges from the devices of good colleagues or classmates.
However, some mixed opinions argue that classmates or work colleagues are not good at all. We will meet a variety of people with different characteristics who can change our situations . The biggest challenge with us is find out the person who is kind and suitable for us to grow together.
In conclusion, the relationships with work colleagues or classmates have significant benefits in communication and emotional stability. In contemporary society, having a good relationship is really honorable.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"In this day and age" -> "In contemporary times"
Explanation: "In this day and age" is a colloquial expression; "contemporary times" is more formal and aligns better with academic writing.
"the significance of relationships with work colleagues or classmates which have similar value with family" -> "the significance of relationships with work colleagues or classmates, which are often compared to familial bonds"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the comparison between relationships at work or school and those within a family, while also removing the informal tone.
"i am wholeheartedly in complete compatibility with this standpoint" -> "I wholeheartedly agree with this perspective"
Explanation: The original phrase lacks formality and clarity. Replacing it with a more direct statement enhances the academic tone and readability.
"the communicate development" -> "communication development"
Explanation: Correcting the article and noun agreement improves grammatical accuracy.
"With each person we meet every day, they always bring us some benefits" -> "Interacting with individuals daily often yields benefits"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality while eliminating redundancy.
"First and foremost" -> "Primarily"
Explanation: "First and foremost" is slightly informal; "primarily" is a more academic alternative.
"can develop good communication" -> "can foster effective communication"
Explanation: "Develop" is a bit simplistic; "foster" adds depth and sophistication to the sentence.
"We can easily share problems about works or studies with work colleagues or classmates who we have a close connection" -> "We can readily discuss work or study-related issues with close colleagues or classmates"
Explanation: This revision improves clarity and eliminates redundancy.
"It enables us to approach diverse perspectives thereby improving communication, enhancing confidence and facilitating work efficiency" -> "This facilitates exposure to diverse perspectives, thereby enhancing communication skills, boosting confidence, and improving work efficiency"
Explanation: Rearranging and expanding the sentence for clarity and formality.
"Moreover, relationships with work colleagues or classmates play an important role in emotional stability since it enables us to share personal emotions about difficulty in working, studying such as peer depressures, difficult work which we are facing" -> "Furthermore, relationships with colleagues or classmates contribute significantly to emotional stability by providing a platform to share personal struggles related to work or study, such as peer pressure or challenging tasks"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the role of relationships in emotional stability and eliminates awkward phrasing.
"Ultimately, we can face challenges from the devices of good colleagues or classmates" -> "Ultimately, supportive colleagues or classmates help us navigate challenges"
Explanation: "Devices" is unclear and informal; "supportive colleagues or classmates" conveys the intended meaning more effectively.
"However, some mixed opinions argue that classmates or work colleagues are not good at all" -> "However, some dissenting views contend that classmates or work colleagues may not always be beneficial"
Explanation: Clarifying the phrasing and removing informal language improves academic tone.
"We will meet a variety of people with different characteristics who can change our situations" -> "We encounter individuals with diverse traits who can influence our circumstances"
Explanation: Restructuring for clarity and formality while maintaining the meaning.
"The biggest challenge with us is find out the person who is kind and suitable for us to grow together" -> "The primary challenge lies in identifying individuals who are compatible and supportive of our personal and professional growth"
Explanation: This revision enhances clarity and removes colloquial language.
"In conclusion, the relationships with work colleagues or classmates have significant benefits in communication and emotional stability. In contemporary society, having a good relationship is really honorable" -> "In conclusion, relationships with work colleagues or classmates offer substantial benefits in communication and emotional well-being. In contemporary society, fostering positive relationships is highly esteemed."
Explanation: This revision strengthens the conclusion by using more precise language and emphasizing the importance of positive relationships in contemporary society.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address all parts of the question by discussing the significance of relationships with work colleagues or classmates compared to those with family. It acknowledges the importance of family relationships while arguing for the value of relationships with colleagues or classmates.
- How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, ensure a clearer delineation between the discussion of relationships with colleagues or classmates and those with family. Provide specific examples or evidence to support the argument that work relationships contribute significantly to happiness.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position in agreement with the idea that relationships with family are more crucial than those with work colleagues or classmates. This stance is evident throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, explicitly state the position in the introduction and reinforce it in each body paragraph. Additionally, avoid any language that might inadvertently suggest agreement with the opposing viewpoint.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the benefits of relationships with work colleagues or classmates, such as communication development and emotional stability. However, these ideas lack depth and elaboration. For instance, while mentioning communication development, it could provide specific examples or elaborate on how exactly these relationships facilitate communication.
- How to improve: Extend ideas by providing concrete examples, anecdotes, or studies to illustrate the benefits of relationships with colleagues or classmates. Further, ensure each idea is fully developed and connected logically to the thesis statement.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays on topic by discussing the importance of relationships with work colleagues or classmates and their impact on happiness. However, there are slight deviations, such as briefly mentioning the challenges of finding compatible colleagues or classmates.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, limit tangential discussions and ensure all points directly contribute to the central argument. If discussing challenges, tie them back to the overall theme of the importance of relationships in happiness.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a clear stance and addresses the prompt, there is room for improvement in providing more detailed support for the arguments presented and maintaining focus throughout the essay. Strengthening the development of ideas with specific examples and ensuring coherence between paragraphs will enhance the overall effectiveness of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical organization. It begins with an introduction that presents the topic and the writer’s stance, followed by two body paragraphs discussing the benefits of relationships with work colleagues or classmates. Each body paragraph focuses on a specific benefit: communication development and emotional stability. However, there are some coherence issues, such as abrupt transitions between ideas and repetitive language ("relationships with work colleagues or classmates"). Additionally, the conclusion could better summarize the main points without introducing new ideas.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should focus on smoother transitions between ideas. Using cohesive devices such as transitional phrases ("Moreover," "Furthermore," "In conclusion") can help connect paragraphs and guide the reader through the essay. Additionally, avoiding repetition by using synonyms or varying sentence structures can improve coherence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to organize ideas into distinct sections, including an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument and contains topic sentences that introduce the main point. However, the structure within paragraphs could be improved for clarity and coherence. Some sentences lack clarity or coherence, leading to difficulty in understanding the writer’s intended meaning.
- How to improve: The writer should ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the essay prompt and the overall argument. Additionally, providing sufficient supporting details and examples within each paragraph can strengthen the argument and improve coherence. Reviewing and revising sentences for clarity and coherence, particularly within paragraphs, can enhance the overall readability of the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of cohesive devices. While there are some attempts to use cohesive devices such as transition words ("Moreover," "However," "In conclusion"), their usage is somewhat repetitive, and some transitions between ideas are abrupt. Furthermore, there is a lack of variety in cohesive devices, which hinders the flow and coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of transition words and phrases to signal relationships between ideas. This could include addition transitions (e.g., "Furthermore," "Additionally"), contrast transitions (e.g., "On the other hand," "Nevertheless"), and conclusion transitions (e.g., "In summary," "To conclude"). Additionally, using cohesive devices within and between paragraphs can improve the coherence and flow of the essay, guiding the reader through the argument more smoothly.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, including words such as "compatibility," "development," "facilitating," and "contemporary." However, there are instances where vocabulary repetition occurs, such as the frequent use of "relationship" and "colleagues or classmates," which could hinder lexical variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the lexical range, strive for greater diversity in word choice. Synonyms or alternative expressions for commonly used terms like "relationship" can enrich the essay. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "relationships with work colleagues or classmates," consider using phrases like "professional interactions" or "academic associations" to vary the language.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are instances of imprecise or awkward word choices that detract from clarity and precision. For example, "peer depressures" is unclear and may be a typographical error. Additionally, phrases like "find out the person" could be more precisely expressed.
- How to improve: Aim for clarity and precision in word choice. Instead of "peer depressures," consider using "peer pressure." Also, revise ambiguous phrases like "find out the person" to something more precise like "identify individuals." Proofreading carefully for clarity and coherence can help eliminate imprecise language.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a fair level of spelling accuracy, with only minor errors such as "communicate" instead of "communication," "colleagues or classmates" instead of "colleagues," and "devices" instead of "advice." While these errors do not significantly impede understanding, they detract from the overall professionalism of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell check tools and proofreading the essay thoroughly before submission. Paying attention to commonly misspelled words and practicing spelling through writing can also help improve accuracy over time.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary and spelling, there is room for improvement in both areas to elevate the sophistication and clarity of expression. Striving for greater lexical variety, precision in word choice, and enhanced spelling accuracy can enhance the overall quality of the writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair attempt at utilizing a variety of sentence structures, although there is room for improvement. There is a mix of simple and compound sentences, but complexity is somewhat lacking. For instance, simple sentences like "With each person we meet every day, they always bring us some benefits" could be enhanced with more complex structures to add depth and sophistication to the writing.
- How to improve: To improve, aim for a more diverse range of sentence structures. Incorporate complex sentences with subordinate clauses, parallel structures, and varied sentence beginnings. For example, instead of stating straightforwardly, "Good relationships with work colleagues or classmates can develop good communication," you could vary the structure: "The cultivation of positive relationships with colleagues or classmates fosters effective communication skills, facilitating the exchange of ideas and perspectives." Experimenting with different sentence structures will enhance the fluency and coherence of your writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors throughout. For instance, there are instances of subject-verb agreement errors ("Good relationships with work colleagues or classmates can develop good communication"), tense inconsistency ("However, some mixed opinions argue that classmates or work colleagues are not good at all"), and punctuation errors (missing commas, incorrect capitalization).
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it’s essential to review and practice fundamental grammar rules. Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper punctuation usage. For example, revise sentences for clarity and correctness, such as "However, some mixed opinions argue that classmates or work colleagues are not good at all" to "However, there are differing opinions regarding whether classmates or work colleagues contribute positively to our lives." Additionally, proofread your work carefully to catch errors before submission. Utilizing grammar checkers or seeking feedback from peers or instructors can also be beneficial in identifying and correcting grammatical inaccuracies.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates proficiency in expressing ideas and conveying arguments, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical accuracy. By incorporating more varied sentence constructions and refining grammar skills, you can elevate the sophistication and effectiveness of your writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary times, there is an ongoing debate about the significance of relationships with work colleagues or classmates, which are often compared to familial bonds. I wholeheartedly agree with this perspective because the benefits from these relationships, including communication development and emotional stability, are substantial.

Interacting with individuals daily often yields benefits. Primarily, good relationships with work colleagues or classmates can foster effective communication. We can readily discuss work or study-related issues with close colleagues or classmates, which enables us to approach diverse perspectives, thereby enhancing communication skills, boosting confidence, and improving work efficiency.

Furthermore, relationships with colleagues or classmates contribute significantly to emotional stability by providing a platform to share personal struggles related to work or study, such as peer pressure or challenging tasks. Ultimately, supportive colleagues or classmates help us navigate challenges.

However, some dissenting views contend that classmates or work colleagues may not always be beneficial. We encounter individuals with diverse traits who can influence our circumstances. The primary challenge lies in identifying individuals who are compatible and supportive of our personal and professional growth.

In conclusion, relationships with work colleagues or classmates offer substantial benefits in communication and emotional well-being. In contemporary society, fostering positive relationships is highly esteemed.