Overcome differences and create good relationships

As the saying goes “Goodness is only skin deep”, the true beauty is shown by love and action, not by appearance. However, scientific researches prove that physical appearance plays an integral role in forming first impressions. Partners’ physical looks can have a great impact on the first period of a relationship.

Three years ago, when I was a grade 10 student, I decided to apply for my high school’s English club to build up new relationships and easily integrate into the new educational environment. We had our first meeting at school in order to gain a better understanding of each other, set up a teamwork spirit, and introduce novice members like me. Frankly, I was wholeheartedly excited to make new friends and learn from our senior members. My good preparation with an adorable outfit hopefully could leave a profound impression on other club members. In the first meeting, I had successfully broken the ice and started conversing with everyone there except a quiet girl wearing a hat in the corner of the room. She brought about a strong sense of an introvert and I had no chance to communicate with her before the game. The game mentioned here was telling three truths about yourself and choosing three words to describe your personality in front of the whole club. She was the last one to raise her voice in this game and the one who shocked us all. She put off her hat and then showed us her shaved head. This surprise happened out of the blue and we had no idea how to react to this situation. Nevertheless, it was easy to understand our puzzle. Her shaved head had been the talk of the town for students in my school for the whole month. Some students even started spreading rumors that she had cancer or she was too weird.

Everything had changed at the moment she and I had our first conversation. On that day, I, unfortunately, fell out when riding bicycles to school and had footsore. She accidentally came across and immediately stopped to ride me to the nearest hospital. Upon our arrival at the hospital, we had a small conversation that changed our relationship forever. Her name was Lily, what an adorable name for such an erratic and strong appearance like that. Lily knew that everyone hated her because of her appearance with that shaved head but they all did not know about the sad backstory. Her mother was diagnosed with cancer three months ago and she faced hair loss in the progress of treatment. Hair loss posed a challenging mental obstacle to her mother so Lily decided to do the bravest thing ever, to shave her head. Lily hoped her love could assist her mother to get over this hardship. She used to take good care of her hair and love her long black hair but her love for her mother was much more important. In the past, Lily was a funny, friendly, and happy girl but facing such a huge adversity depressed her day by day. Hearing such a sad story, I finally understand why she shaved her head. Lily was the bravest and most wonderful girl I have met in my entire life; a person who deserved to be sympathized and recognized for her sacrifice. Lily taught me about one thing “Don’t judge a book by its cover”. I learned how to get over physical appearance differences and be willing to lend a sympathetic ear so that I would never misjudge anyone else. Her admirable story paved the way for our future friendship. She has finally overcome the initial depression to make more new friends and get back to be a positive and lovely Lily. This story teaches us how to share and how to listen to each other, thereby establishing our wonderful friendship now.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"adorable outfit" -> "impressive attire"
Explanation: "Adorable" is too informal in this context. "Impressive attire" maintains the idea of making a good impression while using more formal language.
"break the ice" -> "initiate conversation"
Explanation: "Break the ice" is a colloquial expression. "Initiate conversation" is a more formal alternative.
"bring about a strong sense of an introvert" -> "conveyed a strong sense of introversion"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward. "Conveyed a strong sense of introversion" is more concise and academically appropriate.
"put off her hat" -> "took off her hat"
Explanation: "Put off" means to discourage or postpone, which is not the intended meaning here. "Took off her hat" is the correct expression for removing headwear.
"out of the blue" -> "unexpectedly"
Explanation: "Out of the blue" is idiomatic and informal. "Unexpectedly" maintains clarity without relying on idiomatic language.
"fell out when riding bicycles" -> "fell off while riding bicycles"
Explanation: "Fell out" is incorrect in this context. "Fell off while riding bicycles" is the appropriate phrasing.
"had footsore" -> "had sore feet"
Explanation: "Footsore" is an uncommon and awkward expression. "Had sore feet" is clearer and more commonly understood.
"she and I had our first conversation" -> "we had our initial conversation"
Explanation: "She and I had our first conversation" is grammatically correct but sounds a bit awkward. "We had our initial conversation" is smoother and more concise.
"progress of treatment" -> "course of treatment"
Explanation: "Progress of treatment" is slightly awkward. "Course of treatment" is a more precise and commonly used term.
"posed a challenging mental obstacle" -> "presented a significant mental challenge"
Explanation: "Posed a challenging mental obstacle" is somewhat redundant. "Presented a significant mental challenge" is clearer and more concise.
"her long black hair" -> "her lengthy black hair"
Explanation: "Long black hair" is a bit informal. "Lengthy black hair" maintains the same meaning while sounding more formal.
"facing such a huge adversity" -> "confronting such significant adversity"
Explanation: "Facing such a huge adversity" is slightly informal. "Confronting such significant adversity" maintains the formality of the essay.
"Her admirable story paved the way for our future friendship." -> "Her inspiring story laid the foundation for our enduring friendship."
Explanation: "Paved the way" is a bit cliche. "Laid the foundation" is a more sophisticated alternative that fits the academic style better.
"establishing our wonderful friendship now" -> "solidifying our enduring friendship"
Explanation: "Establishing our wonderful friendship now" is somewhat simplistic. "Solidifying our enduring friendship" conveys a stronger sense of permanence and maturity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the prompt by exploring the theme of overcoming differences and establishing good relationships. It discusses the impact of physical appearance on relationships and narrates a personal anecdote illustrating the importance of looking beyond appearances to build meaningful connections.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the prompt. Incorporating a brief summary at the end that explicitly ties the narrative back to the broader theme could further strengthen the essay’s coherence and alignment with the prompt.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, advocating for the importance of not judging others based on their physical appearance and emphasizing the value of empathy and understanding in building relationships.
- How to improve: While the position is clear, reinforcing it with more explicit statements throughout the essay could enhance clarity. Additionally, ensuring that all examples and anecdotes directly support this position would strengthen the essay’s coherence.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents and elaborates on its central ideas, particularly through the personal narrative provided. It extends the discussion by delving into the backstory of a character, supporting the central theme with relevant details and emotional resonance.
- How to improve: To further extend and support ideas, consider incorporating additional examples or evidence from external sources to provide a broader perspective on the topic. Additionally, ensuring that each idea is fully developed and connected to the main argument would enhance the essay’s overall depth.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, focusing on the theme of overcoming differences and building relationships despite initial judgments based on physical appearance. However, there are moments where the narrative digresses slightly, such as the detailed description of the English club’s activities.
- How to improve: To maintain a tighter focus on the topic, streamline the narrative by removing extraneous details that do not directly contribute to the central theme. Ensure that each paragraph serves to advance the discussion of overcoming differences and fostering good relationships.

Overall, the essay effectively addresses the prompt by exploring the theme of overcoming differences and establishing good relationships, supported by a personal anecdote. To enhance coherence and depth, the essay could benefit from tighter alignment with the prompt, reinforcement of the central position, further extension and support of ideas, and maintaining a tighter focus on the topic throughout the narrative.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It begins with a general statement about the importance of appearance in relationships, then transitions into a personal anecdote about joining an English club and meeting a girl named Lily. The narrative progresses smoothly, detailing the initial misjudgment based on appearance, the revelation of Lily’s backstory, and the subsequent development of a friendship. Each paragraph flows logically into the next, forming a coherent narrative arc.
- How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider refining transitions between paragraphs to ensure a seamless progression of ideas. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the narrative, maintaining clarity and cohesion throughout.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes paragraphs to structure the narrative. Each paragraph addresses a distinct aspect of the story, such as the initial meeting with Lily, the revelation of her backstory, and the lessons learned from the experience. This paragraphing strategy helps maintain clarity and aids in the organization of ideas.
- How to improve: To enhance paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that succinctly introduces the main idea. Additionally, consider varying the length and structure of paragraphs to maintain reader engagement and interest.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and enhance coherence. Examples include transition words and phrases such as "however," "nevertheless," "finally," and "thereby," which help guide the reader through the narrative. Additionally, pronouns like "she" and "her" are consistently used to reference characters, ensuring clarity and cohesion.
- How to improve: To further diversify cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of transition words and phrases to denote different types of relationships between ideas, such as cause and effect or comparison. Additionally, ensure consistent use of cohesive devices throughout the essay to maintain coherence and clarity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable effort to utilize a varied vocabulary throughout. For instance, phrases like "wholeheartedly excited," "adorable outfit," "profound impression," "strong sense of an introvert," "puzzle," "admirable story," and "establishing our wonderful friendship" contribute to a diverse lexical range. These choices enhance the richness and depth of the narrative, offering nuanced descriptions and insights into the events and emotions portrayed.
- How to improve: While the essay does employ a wide range of vocabulary effectively, there’s room for enhancement by incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary in certain instances. For example, instead of "strong sense of an introvert," consider using terms like "aura of introversion" or "deep introverted demeanor" to add depth and precision to the description.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates precise vocabulary usage, effectively conveying the intended meanings. For instance, phrases like "physical appearance differences," "admirable story," and "bravest thing ever" precisely capture the essence of the ideas expressed. However, there are a few instances where vocabulary could be more precise. For example, the phrase "erotic and strong appearance" may benefit from a more specific descriptor than "strong," such as "striking" or "assertive."
- How to improve: To further enhance precision, consider substituting generic adjectives with more descriptive alternatives that capture the nuances of the subject matter. For instance, instead of "strong appearance," consider using descriptors like "bold," "determined," or "resolute" to provide a clearer picture of the character’s demeanor.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a high level of spelling accuracy, with few errors observed. However, there are a couple of instances where minor spelling errors detract from overall clarity. For example, "footsore" should be spelled as two separate words, "foot sore," and "progress" is misspelled as "progress" instead of "progress" in the phrase "progress of treatment."
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider incorporating proofreading techniques such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools to catch any overlooked errors. Additionally, paying careful attention to the spelling of compound words and commonly misspelled words can help enhance overall spelling proficiency.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. It employs simple, compound, and complex sentences effectively throughout. For instance, the use of complex sentences in passages such as "Her shaved head had been the talk of the town for students in my school for the whole month" shows syntactic complexity.
- How to improve: To further enhance sentence variety, consider integrating more compound-complex sentences and utilizing rhetorical devices like parallelism or inversion for stylistic impact. This could enrich the essay’s flow and engage the reader more dynamically.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy. There are few errors, such as minor tense inconsistencies ("Her mother was diagnosed… she faced hair loss" could benefit from maintaining past tense consistently throughout the narration).
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on consistent verb tense usage and ensure subject-verb agreement is maintained throughout. Reviewing the essay for minor errors in punctuation (like comma splices or missing commas in compound sentences) would further refine its clarity and cohesion.

This essay effectively addresses the prompt by illustrating the importance of overcoming superficial judgments and fostering genuine relationships. The narrative is engaging and heartfelt, providing a clear example of personal growth through empathy and understanding. With continued attention to sentence variety and grammatical precision, the essay could achieve an even higher band score by enhancing its structural complexity and linguistic precision.

Bài sửa mẫu

As the saying goes, “Goodness is only skin deep,” indicating that true beauty is revealed through love and action rather than mere appearance. Nevertheless, scientific research suggests that physical appearance significantly influences initial impressions. A partner’s physical attractiveness can greatly affect the early stages of a relationship.

Three years ago, as a 10th-grade student, I decided to join my high school’s English club to foster new relationships and smoothly transition into the new academic environment. Our inaugural meeting aimed to foster mutual understanding, foster teamwork, and introduce new members like myself. Eager to make new friends and learn from senior members, I meticulously prepared an impressive attire in hopes of leaving a lasting impression. However, despite engaging with everyone present, there was one quiet girl in the corner wearing a hat whom I failed to connect with.

During an icebreaker activity where participants shared truths about themselves and described their personalities, the quiet girl surprised us all by removing her hat to reveal a shaved head. Her sudden revelation left us speechless, unaware of how to react. It later became apparent that her shaved head had sparked rumors and gossip throughout the school, with some speculating about her health or labeling her as eccentric.

Everything changed when we had our first conversation. On that day, I had a mishap while cycling to school and injured my foot. The quiet girl, named Lily, happened upon me and immediately offered assistance, taking me to the nearest hospital. During our journey and subsequent conversation, I learned the truth behind her shaved head. Lily’s mother had been battling cancer for the past three months, resulting in hair loss due to treatment. In a courageous act of solidarity, Lily had shaved her head to support her mother through this challenging time. Her sacrifice and love for her mother overshadowed any attachment she had to her own appearance.

Lily’s story taught me a valuable lesson: not to judge others based on superficial appearances. I realized the importance of empathy and understanding, resolving never to make snap judgments again. Lily’s resilience and kindness paved the way for a lasting friendship based on mutual respect and support.

In conclusion, Lily’s story exemplifies the power of empathy and compassion in overcoming differences and building meaningful relationships. By sharing and listening to each other, we can foster understanding and create bonds that transcend physical appearances.