Parents are putting a lot of pressure on their children to succeed. What are the reasons for this? Is it a negative or positive development?

Education always plays an important role in a child’s development. However, some parents today are pushing their children to be successful at the expense of their well-being. In my opinion, I believe this is a negative phenomenon for the following reasons.

The overriding factor why parents put much pressure on their children is the expectation of being financially well-off due to social norms. Many believe that a strong educational background, supplemented by cram schools and extra classes, could lead to high-paying jobs and a prosperous future for their children. Secondly, they desire their children to achieve high grades, manifold certificates and outperform other peers, so that they take pride in those achievements as a reflection of their own success. Thus, parents are becoming increasingly competitive and placing excessive pressure on their children to avoid falling behind.

However, one of the major issues associated with this is that minors are more likely to fall into depression and tension. It stems from parents' expectations to push their children to spend more time studying, leaving them less time to rest or engage in leisure activities. This would result in the loss of motivation, negatively impacting their health and mental well-being such as depression and anxiety. Furthermore, they may find themselves with little time to rest or play, feeling they have no choice but to study. Consequently, it brings a fear of disappointing their parents that creates a significant distance between parents and children.

In conclusion, the disadvantages of requiring children to be successful are undeniable. Therefore, parents should stop forcing their kids to be successful due to their mental life and happiness in childhood.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"always plays an important role" -> "constitutes a crucial role"
Explanation: "Constitutes a crucial role" is more formal and precise, emphasizing the significance of education in a child’s development.
"pushing their children to be successful" -> "urging their children to achieve success"
Explanation: "Urge" is a more formal verb than "push," and "achieve success" is a more precise and formal phrase than "be successful."
"I believe this is a negative phenomenon" -> "I contend that this is a detrimental phenomenon"
Explanation: "Contend" is more academically formal than "believe," and "detrimental" is a more precise adjective than "negative" in this context.
"The overriding factor why" -> "The primary reason why"
Explanation: "Primary reason" is more specific and academically appropriate than "overriding factor," which can be vague.
"put much pressure on their children" -> "exert considerable pressure on their children"
Explanation: "Exert considerable pressure" is a more formal expression than "put much pressure," aligning better with academic style.
"Many believe that a strong educational background" -> "Many contend that a robust educational foundation"
Explanation: "Robust educational foundation" is a more precise and formal way to describe a strong educational background.
"could lead to high-paying jobs" -> "may lead to lucrative employment opportunities"
Explanation: "Lucrative employment opportunities" is more specific and formal than "high-paying jobs."
"manifold certificates" -> "multiple certifications"
Explanation: "Multiple certifications" is a more precise and formal term than "manifold certificates," which is less commonly used in this context.
"outperform other peers" -> "outperform their peers"
Explanation: "Their peers" is more direct and formal than "other peers," which is redundant.
"take pride in those achievements" -> "derive pride from these achievements"
Explanation: "Derive pride from these achievements" is more formal and precise than "take pride in those achievements."
"fall into depression and tension" -> "suffer from depression and anxiety"
Explanation: "Suffer from depression and anxiety" is a more medically accurate and formal way to describe the negative effects on mental health.
"spend more time studying, leaving them less time to rest or engage in leisure activities" -> "devote more time to studying, thereby leaving them with less time for rest and leisure activities"
Explanation: "Devote more time to studying, thereby leaving them with less time for rest and leisure activities" is more formal and precise, improving the flow and clarity of the sentence.
"the loss of motivation" -> "a loss of motivation"
Explanation: "A loss of motivation" is grammatically correct and more formal than "the loss of motivation."
"such as depression and anxiety" -> "including depression and anxiety"
Explanation: "Including" is more precise and formal than "such as," which can imply a non-exhaustive list.
"stop forcing their kids to be successful" -> "cease compelling their children to achieve success"
Explanation: "Cease compelling" is more formal and precise than "stop forcing," and "children" is more appropriate than "kids" in an academic context.
"due to their mental life and happiness in childhood" -> "due to the impact on their mental well-being and childhood happiness"
Explanation: "The impact on their mental well-being and childhood happiness" is more specific and formal, improving the clarity and precision of the conclusion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt. It identifies the reasons why parents exert pressure on their children, such as societal expectations for financial success and personal pride in their children’s achievements. Additionally, it discusses the negative consequences of this pressure, particularly regarding children’s mental health. The essay provides a clear understanding of the issue at hand.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could include a brief mention of any potential positive aspects of parental pressure, even if the overall stance is negative. This would provide a more balanced view and demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that parental pressure is a negative development. This stance is consistently reinforced throughout the essay, particularly in the introduction and conclusion. The use of phrases like "in my opinion" and "the disadvantages… are undeniable" strengthens the clarity of the position.
- How to improve: While the position is clear, the essay could benefit from a more explicit reiteration of this stance in the body paragraphs. For instance, concluding each paragraph with a sentence that ties back to the main argument would reinforce the position further.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several well-developed ideas, such as the societal expectations leading to parental pressure and the mental health implications for children. Each point is supported with relevant explanations and examples, which effectively extend the argument. For instance, the discussion of depression and anxiety as consequences of excessive pressure is both pertinent and well-articulated.
- How to improve: To further strengthen the support for ideas, the essay could include specific examples or statistics related to the effects of parental pressure on children’s mental health. This would provide a more robust foundation for the claims made.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, addressing the reasons for parental pressure and its implications without deviating into unrelated areas. The structure is coherent, with each paragraph contributing to the overall argument.
- How to improve: While the essay stays on topic, ensuring that each paragraph directly relates back to the prompt can enhance clarity. For example, explicitly linking the discussion of mental health back to the overarching theme of parental pressure would reinforce the relevance of each point made.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and presents a well-structured argument. With minor adjustments to provide a more balanced view, reinforce the position, and include specific examples, it could achieve an even higher score in Task Response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and logical structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs are well-organized, with the first paragraph discussing the reasons behind parental pressure and the second addressing the negative consequences of this pressure. Each paragraph flows logically into the next, and the progression of ideas is easy to follow. For example, the transition from discussing parental expectations to the resulting mental health issues is smooth and coherent.
- How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider using more explicit linking phrases at the beginning of each paragraph to signal shifts in focus. For instance, starting the second body paragraph with a phrase like "On the other hand" could emphasize the contrast between the reasons for pressure and its consequences. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence can help reinforce the main idea being discussed.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids in clarity and readability. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. The introduction and conclusion are also distinct, which is essential for a well-structured essay.
- How to improve: While the paragraphing is generally effective, consider expanding the body paragraphs to include more detailed examples or evidence to support the claims made. For instance, in the paragraph discussing the reasons for parental pressure, including statistics or studies about the impact of educational pressure on children could strengthen the argument. This would not only add depth to the paragraphs but also enhance the overall persuasiveness of the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "however," "secondly," and "consequently," which help to connect ideas and maintain the flow of the argument. These devices effectively guide the reader through the essay and clarify the relationships between different points.
- How to improve: To achieve a higher level of cohesion, consider incorporating a wider variety of cohesive devices. For example, using phrases like "in addition," "furthermore," or "moreover" can help to introduce additional points or reinforce existing ones. Additionally, employing referential cohesion by using pronouns or synonyms can reduce repetition and enhance the fluidity of the text. For instance, instead of repeating "parents" multiple times, you could use "they" or "these caregivers" to maintain variety and cohesion.

Overall, the essay demonstrates strong coherence and cohesion, earning a band score of 8. By implementing the suggested improvements, particularly in the areas of explicit linking phrases, detailed examples, and varied cohesive devices, the essay could achieve an even higher level of sophistication and clarity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "financially well-off," "educational background," and "excessive pressure" showcasing some variety. However, the vocabulary tends to be somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "pressure on their children" and "successful," which appear multiple times without variation. Additionally, terms like "manifold certificates" could be seen as somewhat awkward or less common in this context.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer could incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "successful," alternatives like "achieve," "prosperous," or "accomplished" could be employed. Similarly, varying phrases such as "high grades" with "top marks" or "academic excellence" would enrich the essay’s lexical diversity.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the overriding factor why parents put much pressure" could be more clearly expressed as "the primary reason parents exert pressure." Additionally, the term "manifold certificates" is vague and may confuse readers, as it is not a commonly used phrase in this context.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should aim to use vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. Instead of "manifold certificates," a more straightforward term like "numerous qualifications" or "various accolades" would be clearer. Furthermore, rephrasing sentences for clarity, such as changing "the overriding factor why" to "the primary reason that," would enhance the overall precision of the vocabulary used.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is largely accurate, with no glaring errors that impede understanding. However, there are minor issues, such as "tension," which could be more appropriately replaced with "stress" in this context to convey the intended meaning more effectively.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading practices and utilize tools like spell checkers. Additionally, reading the essay aloud can help catch any awkward phrasing or spelling errors that may have been overlooked. Familiarizing oneself with commonly misspelled words in academic writing can also be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling would elevate the Lexical Resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and compound sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "However, some parents today are pushing their children to be successful at the expense of their well-being" showcases the ability to construct complex ideas. Additionally, the sentence "Many believe that a strong educational background, supplemented by cram schools and extra classes, could lead to high-paying jobs and a prosperous future for their children" effectively combines multiple clauses to convey a nuanced argument. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a tendency to rely on similar structures, such as starting several sentences with "parents" or "children."
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more introductory phrases or clauses. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with the subject, try beginning with adverbial phrases (e.g., "In pursuit of success," or "Due to societal pressures,") to create a more dynamic flow. Additionally, using a wider range of conjunctions and transition words can help diversify sentence openings and improve coherence.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with few errors that do not impede understanding. For example, the phrase "the overriding factor why parents put much pressure on their children" is grammatically correct, but the use of "why" could be improved to "that" for clarity. There are also minor punctuation issues, such as the lack of a comma before "such as depression and anxiety" in the sentence "negatively impacting their health and mental well-being such as depression and anxiety," which can lead to confusion regarding the list of effects.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread for minor errors and ensure that all clauses are clearly connected. Pay attention to the use of commas, especially in complex sentences, to clarify relationships between ideas. Additionally, reviewing the use of relative clauses and ensuring that they are correctly formed can enhance clarity. For instance, revising "the overriding factor why parents put much pressure on their children" to "the overriding factor that leads parents to put much pressure on their children" can improve both grammatical accuracy and clarity.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Education always plays an important role in a child’s development. However, some parents today are pushing their children to be successful at the expense of their well-being. In my opinion, I contend that this is a detrimental phenomenon for the following reasons.

The primary reason why parents put considerable pressure on their children is the expectation of being financially well-off due to social norms. Many believe that a strong educational background, supplemented by cram schools and extra classes, may lead to high-paying jobs and a prosperous future for their children. Secondly, they desire their children to achieve high grades, multiple certifications, and outperform their peers, so that they derive pride from these achievements as a reflection of their own success. Thus, parents are becoming increasingly competitive and placing excessive pressure on their children to avoid falling behind.

However, one of the major issues associated with this is that minors are more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety. It stems from parents’ expectations to push their children to devote more time to studying, thereby leaving them with less time for rest or leisure activities. This may result in a loss of motivation, negatively impacting their health and mental well-being, including depression and anxiety. Furthermore, they may find themselves with little time to rest or play, feeling they have no choice but to study. Consequently, this brings a fear of disappointing their parents, which creates a significant distance between parents and children.

In conclusion, the disadvantages of urging children to achieve success are undeniable. Therefore, parents should cease compelling their children to achieve success due to the impact on their mental well-being and childhood happiness.