Parents should encourage their teenagers to get a part-time job in their free time. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

One school of thought holds that families do not ought to encourage young individuals to work through learning in their free time. From my point of view. I totally disagree with that statement because part-time jobs offer students numerous experiences and income.

Some people maintain that temporary jobs may have some detrimental impacts on youngsters. Firstly, some pupils are unable to concentrate on their studies when having a part-time job. This is because they do not have time management skills, they cannot strike a balance between work and study, even personal life. The job may also negatively affect their health, leading to less efficient education. For example, teenagers have a night shift, so they may feel exhausted and cannot wake up early for the morning lessons. Moreover, students tend to be too young to approach the work environment as it is much more complicated than school. Young individuals may contact bad colleagues , who can entice them into crimes, such as defraudation. Consequently, their studies are affected negatively when getting a part-time job.

On the other hand, I completely agree with the idea that parents should encourage their youngsters to get a temporary job in their spare time. Temporary working is a great opportunity for students to have more experiences and to be familiar with their future career, such as environment, competition in work, and pressure. For instance, on some vacations, pupils can be a trainee of a company involving their major. A training course provides them not only professional knowledge but also soft skills such as time management, communication and collaboration. Additionally, young individuals can earn money through a part-time job, so they can help their families with school fees. Teenagers have to try hard in work to earn money that can raise their awareness about money leading to saving and not overspending.

In conclusion, although the part-time job may cause various negative effects on some individuals, I believe that youngsters need to be encouraged, especially by their family, to work through learning due to a great number of aforementioned reasons, such as enhancing social skills and having a salary.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"do not ought to" -> "should not"
Explanation: "Do not ought to" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Should not" is the correct and more formal alternative, improving the sentence structure and clarity.
"From my point of view. I totally disagree" -> "From my perspective, I strongly disagree"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and informal. The revised version corrects the punctuation and uses "strongly" instead of "totally" to maintain a formal tone.
"numerous experiences and income" -> "numerous experiences and financial benefits"
Explanation: "Income" is too broad and informal for this context. "Financial benefits" is more precise and appropriate for an academic discussion about the advantages of part-time jobs.
"temporary jobs may have some detrimental impacts" -> "temporary jobs may have detrimental impacts"
Explanation: Removing "some" simplifies the language and aligns with academic style, which often avoids unnecessary words that do not add meaning.
"they do not have time management skills" -> "they lack time management skills"
Explanation: "Do not have" is a bit informal and vague; "lack" is more direct and academically precise.
"they cannot strike a balance" -> "they struggle to balance"
Explanation: "Strike a balance" is an idiom that may be considered too informal for academic writing. "Struggle to balance" is more formal and precise.
"leading to less efficient education" -> "resulting in less effective learning"
Explanation: "Less efficient education" is vague and informal. "Less effective learning" is more specific and appropriate for an academic context.
"Young individuals may contact bad colleagues" -> "Young individuals may encounter unsuitable colleagues"
Explanation: "Contact bad colleagues" is informal and imprecise. "Encounter unsuitable colleagues" is more formal and accurately describes the potential negative interactions.
"who can entice them into crimes, such as defraudation" -> "who may influence them to engage in illegal activities, such as fraud"
Explanation: "Entice them into crimes" is informal and imprecise. "Influence them to engage in illegal activities" is more formal and specific.
"Temporary working is a great opportunity" -> "Temporary work offers a valuable opportunity"
Explanation: "Temporary working" is grammatically incorrect. "Temporary work offers" corrects the verb agreement and enhances the formality.
"environment, competition in work, and pressure" -> "work environment, professional competition, and work pressure"
Explanation: The original phrasing is vague and informal. The revised version clarifies and formalizes the terms used.
"pupils can be a trainee of a company involving their major" -> "pupils can participate in training programs related to their major"
Explanation: "Be a trainee of a company involving their major" is awkward and unclear. "Participate in training programs related to their major" is clearer and more formal.
"not only professional knowledge but also soft skills such as time management, communication and collaboration" -> "both professional knowledge and soft skills such as time management, communication, and collaboration"
Explanation: "Not only… but also" is grammatically correct, but "both… and" is more concise and formal in academic writing.
"Teenagers have to try hard in work to earn money" -> "Teenagers must work diligently to earn money"
Explanation: "Have to try hard in work" is informal and awkward. "Must work diligently" is more direct and formal.
"leading to saving and not overspending" -> "leading to saving and avoiding overspending"
Explanation: "Not overspending" is a bit informal and vague. "Avoiding overspending" is more precise and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by presenting both sides of the argument regarding whether parents should encourage their teenagers to take part-time jobs. The author acknowledges the potential negative impacts of part-time work, such as distractions from studies and exposure to negative influences, while also emphasizing the benefits, including gaining experience and earning money. However, the essay could be more balanced in discussing both perspectives. The introduction suggests a disagreement with the notion that parents should not encourage part-time jobs, but the subsequent paragraphs could more clearly delineate the extent of agreement or disagreement.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should explicitly state their position in the introduction and ensure that both sides are discussed with equal depth. This could involve dedicating a paragraph to each viewpoint and clearly articulating the extent of agreement or disagreement in the conclusion.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that supports part-time jobs for teenagers. However, the transition between discussing the negative aspects and the positive aspects could be smoother to reinforce the author’s stance. The phrase "I totally disagree with that statement" is clear, but the subsequent discussion of negatives could lead to confusion about the overall position.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the author should use transitional phrases that reinforce their stance when discussing the negative aspects. For example, after presenting a negative point, they could follow up with a statement that emphasizes why the positives outweigh these negatives.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas supporting the argument for part-time jobs, such as gaining experience and financial independence. However, some points lack sufficient elaboration. For instance, the mention of "soft skills" is relevant but could benefit from specific examples or explanations of how these skills are developed through part-time work.
- How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the author should provide more detailed examples and explanations. Instead of simply stating that part-time jobs help develop soft skills, the author could describe specific scenarios where these skills are acquired, such as teamwork in a retail environment or time management while juggling work and studies.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the pros and cons of part-time jobs for teenagers. However, some sentences could be seen as slightly off-topic, particularly when discussing the potential for negative influences from colleagues. While this is relevant, it could be more directly tied back to the main argument about the role of parents in encouraging part-time work.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the prompt. When discussing negative influences, the author could explicitly connect this back to the role of parents in guiding their teenagers through these challenges, thereby reinforcing the central argument.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear position, it could benefit from a more balanced discussion of both sides, clearer transitions, more detailed support for ideas, and a tighter focus on the prompt throughout.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs addressing opposing views, and a conclusion. The arguments are generally well-organized, with the first body paragraph discussing the negative impacts of part-time jobs and the second body paragraph outlining the positive aspects. However, the transition between the two paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the drawbacks to the benefits feels abrupt and could benefit from a transitional phrase that explicitly connects the two perspectives.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases such as "Conversely" or "In contrast" at the beginning of the second body paragraph. Additionally, integrating a brief summary of the opposing viewpoint before presenting the counterargument could create a more cohesive transition.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which helps in maintaining clarity. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, making it easy for the reader to follow. However, the first body paragraph could be further divided to distinguish between the different negative impacts discussed, such as time management issues and health concerns. This would allow for a more thorough exploration of each point.
- How to improve: Consider breaking the first body paragraph into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on time management and academic performance, and the other on health and social influences. This would allow for a more detailed examination of each point and improve the overall structure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Moreover," and "On the other hand," which help in guiding the reader through the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where repetition occurs (e.g., using "young individuals" multiple times). This can detract from the overall fluidity of the essay.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Additionally," "Furthermore," or "In addition," to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. Additionally, consider using synonyms or pronouns to reduce repetition, which can enhance the readability of the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion, there are opportunities for improvement in the logical organization of ideas, paragraph structure, and the variety of cohesive devices used. By implementing these suggestions, the essay can achieve a higher level of clarity and fluidity, potentially leading to an improved band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "detrimental impacts," "time management skills," and "soft skills." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "temporary jobs" and "young individuals." The use of synonyms or varied expressions could enhance the richness of the language.
- How to improve: To improve the range of vocabulary, the writer could incorporate synonyms for commonly used words. For example, instead of repeatedly using "temporary jobs," alternatives like "part-time employment" or "casual work" could be utilized. Additionally, using more varied adjectives and adverbs would help to create a more engaging narrative.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally conveys meaning, there are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "contact bad colleagues" could be better expressed as "encounter negative influences in the workplace." Additionally, the term "defraudation" is not commonly used and may confuse readers; "fraud" would be a more precise choice.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects the intended meaning. This can be achieved by consulting a thesaurus or dictionary to find more appropriate terms. For instance, replacing "approach the work environment" with "navigate the complexities of the workplace" would provide clearer imagery and understanding.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "defraudation," which is not a standard English word, and "individuals" is misspelled as "individuals" in one instance. These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, possibly using spell-check tools or reading the essay aloud to catch errors. Additionally, practicing spelling common academic vocabulary and using flashcards or spelling apps can reinforce correct spelling habits.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, focusing on expanding vocabulary, improving precision, and ensuring correct spelling will help the writer achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases like "This is because they do not have time management skills, they cannot strike a balance between work and study, even personal life." However, there are instances where the sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the phrase "temporary jobs may have some detrimental impacts on youngsters" is somewhat straightforward and could be enhanced with more complex constructions or varied introductory phrases.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentences that use subordinate clauses effectively. For example, instead of saying "Young individuals may contact bad colleagues," the writer could say, "If young individuals are not careful, they may find themselves associating with bad colleagues." Additionally, varying the use of introductory phrases and clauses can help create more engaging and sophisticated sentence structures.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay shows a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that affect clarity. For instance, "families do not ought to encourage" should be corrected to "families ought not to encourage." Additionally, the phrase "leading to less efficient education" could be rephrased for clarity, as it sounds awkward. Punctuation is generally well-handled, though there are some run-on sentences that could benefit from clearer separation. For example, the sentence "The job may also negatively affect their health, leading to less efficient education" could be split for better readability.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of modal verbs. Practicing sentence restructuring can also help avoid run-on sentences. For punctuation, reviewing the rules for commas and periods can help clarify complex ideas. For instance, breaking longer sentences into shorter, more digestible ones can enhance clarity and flow. Additionally, proofreading for common grammatical errors can further improve the overall quality of the writing.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammatical range and accuracy, achieving a band score of 7. By focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy and punctuation, the writer can enhance their writing further and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

One school of thought holds that families should not encourage young individuals to work while learning in their free time. From my perspective, I strongly disagree with that statement because part-time jobs offer students numerous experiences and financial benefits.

Some people maintain that temporary jobs may have detrimental impacts on youngsters. Firstly, some pupils are unable to concentrate on their studies when they have a part-time job. This is because they lack time management skills and struggle to balance work, study, and personal life. The job may also negatively affect their health, resulting in less effective learning. For example, if teenagers have a night shift, they may feel exhausted and cannot wake up early for morning lessons. Moreover, students tend to be too young to approach the work environment, as it is much more complicated than school. Young individuals may encounter unsuitable colleagues who may influence them to engage in illegal activities, such as fraud. Consequently, their studies are negatively affected when they take on a part-time job.

On the other hand, I completely agree with the idea that parents should encourage their youngsters to get a temporary job in their spare time. Temporary work offers a valuable opportunity for students to gain more experiences and become familiar with their future careers, including the work environment, professional competition, and work pressure. For instance, during some vacations, pupils can participate in training programs related to their major. A training course provides them not only with professional knowledge but also with soft skills such as time management, communication, and collaboration. Additionally, young individuals can earn money through a part-time job, which can help their families with school fees. Teenagers must work diligently to earn money, leading to saving and avoiding overspending.

In conclusion, although part-time jobs may cause various negative effects on some individuals, I believe that youngsters need to be encouraged, especially by their families, to work while learning due to the numerous aforementioned reasons, such as enhancing social skills and earning a salary.