people are having more and more sugar - based drink . what are the reasons ? what are the solutions to make people drink less

people are having more and more sugar – based drink . what are the reasons ? what are the solutions to make people drink less

In the contemporary era , a noticeable shift in drinking habit has emerged and a growing number of factories which tend to add more sugar into their products in order to meet the demand of consumers . There are several reasons why this is a case and I totally believe that some measures could be introduced to mitigate this problem.

First and foremost , this trend may presumably originate form the demands of young people . Teenagers nowadays have a tendency to favor sugar drinks over other kind of beverages including mineral water or fruit juices , which are more healthy for the whole body , due to the sweet flavour and eyecatching label design . The targets of those drinking manufacturers are children and youth , thus a couples of marketing strategies are provided to attract more people as well as increase incomes , they often star celebrities or influencers to release a collabration version . Pepsi brand for instance , had a project to mainly captivate football fans by inviting the most well – know footballer Lionel Messi . As they expected , their renueves grown extremely and brought them a huge budgets .

However , sugar drinks undoutbtedly has its own detrimental aspects and i agree that there are solutions to mitigate the use of this sort of drinks . Firstly , perhaps taxes is an effective way . By imposing higher taxes on products that contain a great sugar percent , busineess and company have no choice but escalate the price of their goods , make the customers put into a consideration before buying those type of beverages . Secondly , the use of sugar products could only be dipped if the users genuinelly know about the adversities of sweet drinks . Numerous presentations and projects could be put on practise to talk about the affect of massive sugar scale absorbed as well as raise the awareness of dwellers .

In conclusion , the trend of sugar – based drink may stems form several key factors and it is a great neccessity that policy makers should take some measures to tackle this problem . However , the extent of success depend the most on the residents if they have knowledge about the impact of sugar drinks .

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Errors and Improvements:

"a noticeable shift in drinking habit" -> "a discernible shift in drinking habits"
Explanation: "Noticeable" is a bit informal for academic writing. "Discernible" is a more precise and sophisticated term. Also, "habit" should be in the plural form to match the plural subject "drinking habits."
"add more sugar into their products" -> "add more sugar to their products"
Explanation: "Into" is less commonly used in this context. "To" is the appropriate preposition to indicate addition.
"this is a case" -> "this phenomenon"
Explanation: "This is a case" is too vague and lacks specificity. "Phenomenon" is a more precise and formal term to describe the observed trend.
"I totally believe that" -> "I firmly believe that"
Explanation: "Totally" is colloquial and should be replaced with a more formal adverb like "firmly."
"originates form the demands" -> "originates from the demands"
Explanation: "Form" should be corrected to "from" to maintain grammatical accuracy.
"favor sugar drinks" -> "favor sugary drinks"
Explanation: "Sugar drinks" should be modified to "sugary drinks" for clarity and precision.
"over other kind of beverages" -> "over other types of beverages"
Explanation: "Kind" should be changed to "types" for grammatical correctness.
"sweet flavour" -> "sweet flavor"
Explanation: "Flavour" is the British spelling; "flavor" is the American spelling. In academic writing, it’s preferable to use American English.
"eyecatching label design" -> "eye-catching label designs"
Explanation: "Eyecatching" is informal; "eye-catching" is the hyphenated form and more suitable for formal writing. "Design" should be plural to match the plural noun "labels."
"a couples of marketing strategies" -> "a couple of marketing strategies"
Explanation: "Couples" is incorrect; it should be "couple" because it refers to a small number. Additionally, "of" should be included.
"star celebrities or influencers" -> "feature celebrities or influencers"
Explanation: "Star" is less formal; "feature" is a better alternative for academic writing.
"collabration version" -> "collaboration version"
Explanation: "Collabration" is misspelled; "collaboration" is the correct spelling.
"renueves grown extremely and brought them a huge budgets" -> "revenues grew significantly and brought them substantial budgets"
Explanation: "Renueves" is a misspelling of "revenues." "Grown extremely" is awkward; "grew significantly" is more appropriate. "Budgets" should be modified to "substantial budgets" for clarity.
"However , sugar drinks undoutbtedly has its own detrimental aspects" -> "However, sugary drinks undoubtedly have their own detrimental aspects"
Explanation: "Undoutbtedly" is misspelled; "undoubtedly" is the correct spelling. "Has" should be changed to "have" to match the plural subject "sugary drinks."
"perhaps taxes is an effective way" -> "perhaps taxes are an effective measure"
Explanation: "Is" should be changed to "are" to match the plural subject "taxes."
"products that contain a great sugar percent" -> "products that contain a high percentage of sugar"
Explanation: "Great sugar percent" is awkward; "high percentage of sugar" is a clearer and more precise phrase.
"busineess and company" -> "businesses and companies"
Explanation: "Busineess" is misspelled; "businesses" is the correct plural form.
"make the customers put into a consideration" -> "make customers take into consideration"
Explanation: "Make the customers put into a consideration" is awkward and unclear. "Make customers take into consideration" is a more concise and grammatically correct phrase.
"Secondly , the use of sugar products" -> "Secondly, the consumption of sugary products"
Explanation: "Use of sugar products" is less precise and formal; "consumption of sugary products" is a clearer and more formal phrase.
"could only be dipped" -> "could be reduced"
Explanation: "Could only be dipped" is unclear and awkward. "Could be reduced" is a clearer and more concise alternative.
"genuinelly know" -> "genuinely understand"
Explanation: "Know" could be replaced with "understand" for clarity and precision.
"adversities of sweet drinks" -> "negative effects of sugary beverages"
Explanation: "Adversities" is less common in this context; "negative effects" is a clearer and more formal term.
"projects could be put on practise" -> "projects could be implemented"
Explanation: "Put on practise" is unclear and less formal; "implemented" is a more precise and formal alternative.
"to talk about the affect" -> "to address the impact"
Explanation: "Talk about the affect" is less precise; "address the impact" is a clearer and more formal phrase.
"massive sugar scale absorbed" -> "excessive sugar intake"
Explanation: "Massive sugar scale absorbed" is unclear and awkward; "excessive sugar intake" is a clearer and more concise phrase.
"raise the awareness of dwellers" -> "raise public awareness"
Explanation: "Raise the awareness of dwellers" is less precise and formal; "raise public awareness" is a clearer and more formal alternative.
"sugar – based drink" -> "sugar-based drinks"
Explanation: "Sugar – based drink" should be pluralized to match the plural subject "drinks."
"great neccessity" -> "great necessity"
Explanation: "Neccessity" is misspelled; "necessity" is the correct spelling.
"depend the most on the residents" -> "depend largely on the residents"
Explanation: "Depend the most on" is less precise; "depend largely on" is a clearer and more formal phrase.
"if they have knowledge" -> "if they possess knowledge"
Explanation: "Have knowledge" is less formal; "possess knowledge" is a more formal alternative.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both aspects of the prompt, discussing reasons for the increasing consumption of sugary drinks and suggesting potential solutions to decrease consumption. It identifies the target audience for such drinks, reasons for their popularity, and proposes taxes and awareness campaigns as solutions.
- How to improve: To improve, ensure each point is elaborated further with specific examples and statistics where possible. Additionally, the conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing the main points and reiterating the importance of addressing the issue comprehensively.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance throughout, acknowledging the problem of increased sugar-based drink consumption and advocating for measures to mitigate it. The position is consistent, evident in statements such as "I totally believe that some measures could be introduced to mitigate this problem" and "I agree that there are solutions to mitigate the use of this sort of drinks."
- How to improve: While the stance is clear, the essay could enhance clarity by explicitly stating the position in the introduction and conclusion, ensuring the reader fully understands the author’s viewpoint from the outset.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately, discussing the reasons behind the popularity of sugary drinks and proposing solutions such as taxation and awareness campaigns. However, the development of these ideas could be strengthened with additional supporting evidence, such as data on the impact of sugary drinks on health or successful case studies of similar interventions.
- How to improve: To extend and support ideas, integrate more examples, statistics, and research findings to bolster the arguments. This would provide a stronger foundation for the proposed solutions and enhance the persuasiveness of the essay.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by addressing the reasons for increased consumption of sugary drinks and proposing solutions to reduce it. However, there are some instances where the discussion could be more focused, such as when mentioning the marketing strategies of beverage companies.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all examples and explanations directly relate to the main topic of sugary drink consumption and solutions. Avoid tangential discussions that detract from the central argument, staying consistently aligned with the prompt throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It starts with an introduction that presents the issue and the writer’s stance. Then, it discusses reasons for the prevalence of sugar-based drinks before proposing solutions. However, there are some instances of abrupt transitions between ideas, such as the sudden shift from discussing reasons to proposing solutions. Additionally, the conclusion could be more explicit in summarizing the main points and restating the thesis.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should ensure smoother transitions between ideas. Each paragraph should flow naturally into the next, building a cohesive argument. Additionally, the conclusion should reiterate the main points and reinforce the writer’s stance for a more impactful closing statement.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into paragraphs, but the structure and effectiveness vary. Each paragraph generally focuses on a single idea, such as reasons for the prevalence of sugar-based drinks or solutions to reduce consumption. However, some paragraphs could be more developed, with clearer topic sentences and supporting details.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, the writer should ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that previews the main idea of the paragraph. Additionally, provide sufficient supporting details and examples to fully develop each point. Consider whether any paragraphs can be further subdivided to enhance clarity and coherence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes some cohesive devices to link ideas and maintain coherence. For example, transition words like "firstly," "however," and "in conclusion" are used to signal shifts between paragraphs and ideas. However, the range and variety of cohesive devices could be expanded for smoother connections between sentences and paragraphs.
- How to improve: To enhance cohesion, incorporate a wider variety of cohesive devices such as pronouns (e.g., "this," "these"), conjunctions (e.g., "although," "moreover"), and synonyms to avoid repetition. Ensure these devices are used effectively to guide the reader through the essay and reinforce the logical progression of ideas. Additionally, pay attention to parallel structure to maintain consistency and clarity in sentence construction.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with varied word choices and expressions employed throughout. For instance, terms like "contemporary era," "mitigate," "presumably," "collaboration," "detrimental aspects," and "adversities" contribute to lexical richness. However, there’s room for improvement in the selection and application of more sophisticated vocabulary to further enhance the depth and complexity of the writing.
- How to improve: To elevate the lexical resource, consider integrating more advanced vocabulary pertinent to the topic. For example, instead of "detriments," opt for alternatives like "drawbacks," "disadvantages," or "pitfalls." Additionally, aim for precision in word choice to convey nuanced meanings effectively. Thesaurus tools and extensive reading can aid in expanding vocabulary repertoire.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally employs vocabulary effectively, there are instances where precision could be improved. For instance, the phrase "renueves grown extremely" lacks precision and clarity, possibly intending to convey significant revenue growth. This imprecise usage occasionally affects the overall coherence and impact of the essay.
- How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary with precise meanings to convey ideas accurately. Replace vague or ambiguous terms with specific alternatives. In this case, clarity could be enhanced by stating "revenues grew substantially" or "experienced considerable revenue growth." Reviewing word choices for clarity and specificity during the revision process can refine the precision of language.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates adequate spelling accuracy, with minor errors dispersed throughout. Instances such as "collabration" (collaboration) and "neccessity" (necessity) indicate occasional lapses in spelling precision. While these errors do not significantly impede comprehension, they detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell-check tools and proofreading meticulously before finalizing the essay. Additionally, developing a habit of reviewing commonly misspelled words and practicing spelling exercises can reinforce accuracy. Engaging in regular reading across various genres can also familiarize with diverse vocabulary and spelling patterns, aiding in minimizing errors.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:

Detailed explanation:
The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures but lacks complexity and sophistication that might qualify it for a higher band. Simple and compound sentences are prevalent, as seen in the construction "Teenagers nowadays have a tendency to favor sugar drinks over other kind of beverages," which is a straightforward subject-verb-object structure. Some attempts at complex sentences are visible, for example, "Pepsi brand for instance, had a project to mainly captivate football fans by inviting the most well–know footballer Lionel Messi." However, these are occasionally awkward or incorrectly formed, affecting the fluency and coherence of the arguments presented.
How to improve:
To elevate the grammatical range, it would be beneficial to incorporate more complex grammatical structures, such as conditional sentences, passive voice, and relative clauses, which would not only enhance the sophistication of the argument but also demonstrate grammatical flexibility. Practice constructing sentences that embed clauses within each other, for instance, using relative clauses to provide additional information about a subject or object succinctly. Additionally, varying the beginnings of sentences and using inversion or cleft sentences could also contribute to a more dynamic and interesting writing style.

Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

Detailed explanation:
The essay displays a functional command of grammar and punctuation but with noticeable lapses. Issues such as missing commas in compound sentences ("First and foremost, this trend may presumably originate form the demands of young people") and incorrect punctuation around interrupters ("Pepsi brand for instance, had a project") detract from the overall quality. Moreover, grammatical errors such as "a couples of marketing strategies are provided" and "their renueves grown extremely" indicate misunderstandings in subject-verb agreement and verb tense usage, which are typical of a band 6 performance.
How to improve:
Focusing on the accuracy of basic grammar rules would substantially benefit the clarity and professionalism of the essay. It is advisable to revisit the rules for punctuation, particularly the use of commas and dashes to bracket non-defining clauses. Regular practice with editing exercises could help in identifying and correcting common errors. Additionally, enhancing understanding of subject-verb agreement and correct tense usage through targeted grammar exercises would improve grammatical accuracy. Reading well-edited texts and writing practice essays followed by self or peer review can also be effective strategies to reduce errors and improve grammatical range and accuracy.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates some ability to use varied structures and generally correct grammar, the frequency of errors and the simplicity of some sentences justify the band score of 6. To progress to a higher band, more sophisticated sentence structures and greater accuracy in grammar and punctuation are needed.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the modern era, there is a discernible shift in drinking habits, with an increasing number of factories opting to add more sugar to their products to meet consumer demand. This phenomenon is driven by several factors, and I firmly believe that effective measures can be implemented to address it.

Firstly, this trend likely originates from the demands of young people. Teenagers today tend to favor sugary drinks over healthier alternatives such as mineral water or fruit juices, primarily due to the sweet flavor and eye-catching label designs. The target audience for these beverage manufacturers is often children and youth. To attract more consumers and boost revenue, a couple of marketing strategies are employed, such as featuring celebrities or influencers in collaboration versions of their products. For example, Pepsi collaborated with renowned footballer Lionel Messi to appeal to football fans, resulting in significant revenue growth and substantial budgets.

However, sugary drinks undoubtedly have their own detrimental aspects, and I agree that solutions are needed to mitigate their consumption. Firstly, perhaps taxes could be an effective measure. By imposing higher taxes on products with a high sugar content, businesses would be compelled to raise prices, making customers take into consideration the health implications before purchasing such beverages. Secondly, public awareness initiatives could play a crucial role in reducing the consumption of sugary products. Various presentations and projects could be implemented to educate people about the negative effects of excessive sugar intake and raise awareness among the population.

In conclusion, the trend of consuming sugar-based drinks stems from several key factors, and it is imperative that policymakers take action to address this issue. However, the success of these measures will depend largely on whether residents genuinely understand the impact of sugary beverages on their health.