People are having more and more sugar-based drinks. What are the reasons? What are solutions to make people drink less?
People are having more and more sugar-based drinks. What are the reasons? What are solutions to make people drink less?
It witnessed a phenomenon that there is a significant upsurge in the figure of sweet beverages consumed regardless of considerations about their harms. Hence, I will analyze the causes of this tendency and propose some appropriate key to tackle this situation.
Regarding culprits behind this incline, the upward trend in consumption of sugar-based drinks would be justified by two outstanding advantages making this category of beverage to be preferred to others such as: its stimulation to human senses and its prompt effect in refreshing energy. Firstly, by virtue of being mixed with carbohydrate and add attractive flavour as well as coloring, sweet drinks including Coca Cola, Sprite, 7Up, etc not only grasp customer’s notice, stimulate their appetite but also create addiction, which enable them to initiate consumption habit with the appearances of soft drinks in every meal. Moreover, companies also accelerate the framing of this habit by popularizing images conveying messages via advertisements that using sugar drinks with particular dishes such as Coca with fried chicken is irreplaceably delicious, KFC, for example. Secondly, thanks to special synthetic ingredients, sweet beverages probably help people keep awake or quickly recover from exhaustion. In particular, the richness of calories provided by the composition of Fanta allows users to be energetic in case they fall hungry or faint. Therefore, people tend to consume this type of drink as a quick method to charge their own battery in a busy-paced life with a grueling schedule.
To rectify this case, there are two effective solutions. To start with authority, it is necessary for governors to discourage their citizens to decrease the usage of soft drinks by means of circulating propaganda about adverse effects of them on human health if customers indiscriminately use them. Furthermore, they should impose certain restrictions on ubiquitous advertising about intriguing rich sugar products to circumvent its manipulative impact on clients' awareness. In addition, in terms of customers, they should be self-aware of the side effects of excessive consumption of rich sugar beverages and eliminate this bad habit. Besides, educating children about the devastating impacts of sugar-based drinks and suggesting a healthy diet could be efficient in hindering the formulation of the overuse of this kind of beverage.
In conclusion, there are several factors engineering overconsumption of sugar-based drinks which derive from their own characteristics, benefits and the hype via means of communication, but its harms are undeniable. For this reason, both individuals and the public should take action to curb its unwanted impacts.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"It witnessed a phenomenon" -> "It has been observed that"
Explanation: "It witnessed a phenomenon" is an awkward and incorrect construction. "It has been observed that" is more grammatically correct and formal, suitable for academic writing. -
"the figure of sweet beverages" -> "the consumption of sweet beverages"
Explanation: "The figure of sweet beverages" is vague and incorrect. "The consumption of sweet beverages" clearly and accurately describes the topic. -
"regardless of considerations about their harms" -> "despite the acknowledged health risks"
Explanation: "Regardless of considerations about their harms" is awkward and unclear. "Despite the acknowledged health risks" is more direct and formal, emphasizing the well-known negative effects of sugar drinks. -
"upward trend" -> "increasing trend"
Explanation: "Upward trend" is less formal and slightly ambiguous. "Increasing trend" is straightforward and commonly used in academic contexts. -
"its stimulation to human senses" -> "its sensory appeal"
Explanation: "Its stimulation to human senses" is verbose and awkward. "Its sensory appeal" is concise and maintains the intended meaning. -
"its prompt effect in refreshing energy" -> "its rapid energy-boosting effects"
Explanation: "Its prompt effect in refreshing energy" is awkward and unclear. "Its rapid energy-boosting effects" is more precise and formal. -
"not only grasp customer’s notice" -> "not only capture customers’ attention"
Explanation: "Grasp customer’s notice" is an unusual and less formal expression. "Capture customers’ attention" is the standard phrase in formal writing. -
"create addiction, which enable them" -> "create addiction, thereby enabling them"
Explanation: "Create addiction, which enable them" is grammatically incorrect. "Create addiction, thereby enabling them" corrects the grammatical error and improves readability. -
"the framing of this habit" -> "the establishment of this habit"
Explanation: "The framing of this habit" is an unusual expression. "The establishment of this habit" is more precise and commonly used in academic writing. -
"thanks to special synthetic ingredients" -> "owing to their unique synthetic ingredients"
Explanation: "Thanks to special synthetic ingredients" is informal and vague. "Owing to their unique synthetic ingredients" is more formal and specific. -
"keep awake or quickly recover from exhaustion" -> "stay awake or rapidly recover from exhaustion"
Explanation: "Keep awake" is less formal and slightly informal. "Stay awake" is more formal and suitable for academic writing. -
"charge their own battery" -> "replenish their energy"
Explanation: "Charge their own battery" is an idiom and too informal for academic writing. "Replenish their energy" is a more formal and precise alternative. -
"discourage their citizens to decrease the usage" -> "encourage citizens to reduce consumption"
Explanation: "Discourage their citizens to decrease the usage" is awkward and incorrect. "Encourage citizens to reduce consumption" is grammatically correct and more direct. -
"circulating propaganda about adverse effects" -> "disseminating information about adverse effects"
Explanation: "Circulating propaganda" is pejorative and informal. "Disseminating information" is neutral and appropriate for academic discourse. -
"ubiquitous advertising" -> "widespread advertising"
Explanation: "Ubiquitous" is often used to describe something that is everywhere, but in this context, "widespread" is more precise and less dramatic, fitting the formal tone better. -
"its manipulative impact on clients’ awareness" -> "its manipulative influence on consumer awareness"
Explanation: "Clients" is less formal and specific than "consumers," and "awareness" is vague. "Consumer awareness" is more precise and formal. -
"eliminate this bad habit" -> "discontinue this unhealthy habit"
Explanation: "Eliminate this bad habit" is informal and slightly negative. "Discontinue this unhealthy habit" is more formal and neutral. -
"engineering overconsumption" -> "contributing to overconsumption"
Explanation: "Engineering overconsumption" is an unusual and unclear phrase. "Contributing to overconsumption" is straightforward and appropriate for academic writing. -
"derive from their own characteristics, benefits and the hype via means of communication" -> "stem from their inherent characteristics, benefits, and the promotional efforts of communication"
Explanation: The original phrase is convoluted and unclear. The revised version clarifies the sources of overconsumption and uses more formal language.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt: it identifies reasons for the increased consumption of sugar-based drinks and proposes solutions to reduce this consumption. The reasons are articulated through two main advantages: sensory appeal and energy recovery, which are well-explained with examples. The solutions are also clearly outlined, focusing on government intervention and personal responsibility.
- How to improve: To enhance the comprehensiveness of the response, the essay could benefit from a more detailed exploration of the reasons and solutions. For instance, including statistics or studies to support claims about health impacts could strengthen the argument. Additionally, discussing the role of social media in promoting these drinks could provide a more rounded view of the issue.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position on the issue of sugar-based drinks, emphasizing both the reasons for their popularity and the necessity for solutions. The use of phrases like "therefore" and "to rectify this case" helps in signaling the author’s stance. However, the position could be more explicitly stated in the introduction to guide the reader more effectively.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the introduction should explicitly state the author’s viewpoint on the issue. For example, a sentence summarizing the importance of addressing the consumption of sugar-based drinks could set a stronger foundation for the essay. Additionally, reinforcing the position in the conclusion can help to remind readers of the central argument.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, particularly in the sections discussing the reasons for consumption. The use of examples like Coca-Cola and KFC enhances the argument. However, some ideas, particularly in the solutions section, could be further elaborated. For instance, the suggestion to educate children is a strong point but lacks detail on how this education could be implemented effectively.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the author could provide specific examples of successful campaigns or programs that have effectively reduced sugar consumption. Additionally, expanding on the methods of education for children, such as school programs or community initiatives, would add depth to the argument.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons for the rise in sugar-based drink consumption and potential solutions. However, there are moments where the language becomes overly complex or convoluted, which may distract from the main points. For example, phrases like "grueling schedule" could be simplified to maintain focus.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the author should aim for clarity and conciseness in language. Simplifying complex phrases and ensuring that each sentence directly supports the main argument will help keep the reader engaged and focused on the topic. Regularly revisiting the prompt while drafting can also help ensure that all content remains relevant.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs addressing causes and solutions, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition between discussing the causes of sugar-based drink consumption and the proposed solutions feels abrupt. The first body paragraph elaborates on the reasons effectively, but the second body paragraph could benefit from a clearer link to the previous ideas. The use of phrases like "to rectify this case" introduces the solutions but lacks a smooth transition from the problem.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing the causes, you could introduce the solutions with a phrase like, "In light of these factors, it is essential to explore effective solutions." This would create a more cohesive narrative throughout the essay.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with distinct sections for causes and solutions. Each paragraph contains multiple sentences that explore a single idea. However, the first body paragraph is somewhat lengthy and could be split into two to improve readability and focus. The second body paragraph could also be more structured, as it combines multiple solutions without clear separation.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, consider breaking the first body paragraph into two: one focusing on the sensory appeal and marketing strategies, and the other on the quick energy benefits. This would allow for a more focused discussion in each paragraph. Additionally, when presenting solutions, separate them into distinct paragraphs for clarity, ensuring each solution is fully developed before moving to the next.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "firstly," "moreover," and "in conclusion," which help guide the reader through the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some connections between ideas could be more explicit. For example, the use of "besides" in the solutions section feels slightly informal and could be replaced with a more formal transition.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "furthermore" or "in addition" instead of "besides" for a more formal tone. Additionally, consider using phrases that indicate cause and effect, such as "as a result" or "therefore," to clarify the relationships between ideas. This will enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, but with targeted improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices, it could achieve a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, employing terms such as "upsurge," "culprits," "stimulation," and "manipulative." This variety indicates a good grasp of lexical resources. However, some phrases, such as "grasp customer’s notice" and "initiate consumption habit," are somewhat awkward and could be expressed more naturally.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer could incorporate more synonyms and idiomatic expressions. For instance, instead of "grasp customer’s notice," a more natural phrase like "capture customers’ attention" could be used. Additionally, varying sentence structures and using more advanced vocabulary related to health and marketing could further enrich the essay.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay contains some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, "the upward trend in consumption of sugar-based drinks would be justified by two outstanding advantages" could be misleading; it suggests that the advantages justify the trend rather than explaining it. Furthermore, "the richness of calories provided by the composition of Fanta" is vague and could be more accurately described as "the high calorie content of Fanta."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and accuracy in word choice. For example, instead of "outstanding advantages," consider using "key factors" or "main reasons." Additionally, ensuring that the vocabulary accurately reflects the intended meaning will enhance the overall clarity of the essay.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally displays good spelling, with only a few minor errors. For instance, "irreplaceably" is spelled correctly, but "grueling" is misspelled as "gruelling," which is a common variant in British English. The phrase "the appearances of soft drinks" could also be rephrased for clarity, although it is not a spelling error per se.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, paying particular attention to commonly confused words and regional spelling variations. Utilizing spell-check tools and maintaining a list of frequently misspelled words can also be beneficial.
In summary, the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary with room for improvement in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on natural phrasing, precise word choice, and careful proofreading, the writer can enhance their lexical resource score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and compound sentences. For instance, the phrase "the upward trend in consumption of sugar-based drinks would be justified by two outstanding advantages making this category of beverage to be preferred to others" showcases complexity. However, some sentences are overly convoluted, which can obscure meaning, such as "which enable them to initiate consumption habit with the appearances of soft drinks in every meal." This could be simplified for clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider using more varied conjunctions and transition phrases. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "Secondly" or "Firstly," try integrating these ideas into more complex sentences. Additionally, ensure that complex sentences maintain clarity; breaking down overly long sentences can help.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay shows a generally good command of grammar, but there are notable errors that affect clarity. For example, "by virtue of being mixed with carbohydrate and add attractive flavour" should be "by virtue of being mixed with carbohydrates and adding attractive flavors." There are also punctuation errors, such as missing commas in complex sentences, which can lead to run-on sentences. The phrase "Coca with fried chicken is irreplaceably delicious, KFC, for example" is awkwardly punctuated and could be clearer if rephrased.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct form of verbs. Regular practice with grammar exercises can help reinforce these rules. For punctuation, review the rules for using commas in complex sentences and practice identifying where pauses are needed. Reading essays aloud can also help identify awkward phrasing and punctuation errors.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on clarity, sentence structure variety, and grammatical precision will help elevate the score further.
Bài sửa mẫu
It has been observed that there is a significant increase in the consumption of sweet beverages, despite the acknowledged health risks associated with them. In this essay, I will analyze the reasons behind this trend and propose some effective solutions to address the situation.
Regarding the culprits behind this rise, the increasing trend in the consumption of sugar-based drinks can be attributed to two main advantages that make these beverages more appealing than others: their sensory appeal and their rapid energy-boosting effects. Firstly, owing to their combination of carbohydrates, attractive flavors, and vibrant colors, sweet drinks such as Coca-Cola, Sprite, and 7Up not only capture customers’ attention and stimulate their appetite but also create addiction, thereby enabling them to establish a consumption habit with the presence of soft drinks at every meal. Moreover, companies further reinforce this habit by disseminating images and messages through advertisements that suggest pairing sugar drinks with specific dishes, such as Coca-Cola with fried chicken, which is portrayed as irresistibly delicious, as seen with KFC, for example. Secondly, thanks to their unique synthetic ingredients, sweet beverages can help people stay awake or quickly recover from exhaustion. In particular, the high calorie content provided by drinks like Fanta allows users to replenish their energy when they feel hungry or fatigued. Consequently, people tend to consume this type of drink as a quick method to recharge in a fast-paced life with demanding schedules.
To address this issue, there are two effective solutions. To begin with, it is essential for authorities to encourage citizens to reduce their consumption of soft drinks by disseminating information about the adverse effects of these beverages on health if consumed indiscriminately. Furthermore, they should impose certain restrictions on widespread advertising of sugary products to mitigate its manipulative influence on consumer awareness. Additionally, individuals should become more self-aware of the side effects of excessive consumption of sugar-based drinks and work to discontinue this unhealthy habit. Educating children about the harmful impacts of sugar-laden beverages and promoting a healthy diet could also be effective in preventing the establishment of this habit.
In conclusion, several factors contribute to the overconsumption of sugar-based drinks, stemming from their inherent characteristics, benefits, and the promotional efforts of communication. However, the harms associated with these beverages are undeniable. For this reason, both individuals and the public should take proactive measures to curb their unwanted impacts.