People can live and work wherever they want due to improved communication and transportation technology. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Currently, thanks to the development of technology, certain individuals have a flexibility in living and working at any place they would like. From this essay, while it brings to humans potential benefits, I totally believe that adverse effects can outweigh them for some extent.

On the one hand, there are several obvious advantages to the statement of easily changing accommodations and work areas through advanced society. Firstly, citizens can keep in touch with their families when they are homesick. As a case in point, my uncle always has long-term missions in another place, so he can use his smartphone as a mean of communication with his parents during a trip. As a result, it helps people eliminate the geographical gap between humans and humans. Secondly, individuals may have more chances to study abroad. Because of the advancement of technology, people tend to travel to neighboring nations which results in having a better life, more work experiences, and job opportunities.

On the other hand, it is thought that drawbacks are still more significant than such upward sides. First and foremost, although it is undeniable that employees can choose distance occupations, this also leads to a sedentary life because people spend their whole time sitting down in front of the screen. According to that, they face health problems such as eye diseases, and obesity. Additionally, the values of tradition which are alternatives by modern ones, have continuously disappeared. For instance, compared with the past when children regularly participated in traditional games like hide and seek, as well as bag jumping, now virtual games are kids' priority choices. Consequencely, humans are unable to approach overall traditional achievements effectively and isolate themselves from reality.

In conclusion, I would argue that the appearance of technological advancements brings more negative impacts rather than positive trends.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"thanks to the development of technology" -> "due to technological advancements"
Explanation: "thanks to" is a colloquial phrase more suited for informal contexts. "Due to" is more formal and precise. "Technological advancements" is a more formal term than "development of technology."
"individuals have a flexibility" -> "individuals enjoy flexibility"
Explanation: "have a flexibility" is grammatically incorrect. "Enjoy flexibility" is a more natural and appropriate phrase.
"any place they would like" -> "any location of their choosing"
Explanation: "any place they would like" is somewhat informal. "Any location of their choosing" maintains formality while conveying the same meaning.
"from this essay" -> "from this perspective"
Explanation: "from this essay" is unclear and awkward. "From this perspective" clarifies that the following discussion is based on the essay’s viewpoint.
"adverse effects can outweigh them for some extent" -> "negative impacts may outweigh them to a considerable degree"
Explanation: "adverse effects can outweigh them for some extent" is awkward and imprecise. "Negative impacts may outweigh them to a considerable degree" is more formal and clearer.
"obvious advantages to the statement of easily changing accommodations and work areas through advanced society" -> "clear benefits to the notion of easily altering living and work arrangements in a technologically advanced society"
Explanation: The original phrase is convoluted and lacks clarity. The suggested alternative is clearer and more concise.
"Firstly, citizens can keep in touch with their families when they are homesick" -> "Firstly, individuals can maintain communication with their families, alleviating homesickness"
Explanation: "Citizens" is too general; "individuals" is more appropriate. "Keep in touch with their families when they are homesick" is wordy; "maintain communication with their families, alleviating homesickness" is more concise.
"long-term missions" -> "extended assignments"
Explanation: "long-term missions" is somewhat vague. "Extended assignments" is more specific and formal.
"so he can use his smartphone as a mean of communication" -> "thus, he can utilize his smartphone as a means of communication"
Explanation: "so he can use his smartphone as a mean of communication" is grammatically incorrect. "Utilize" is a more formal alternative to "use."
"it helps people eliminate the geographical gap between humans and humans" -> "it helps bridge geographical distances between individuals"
Explanation: "eliminate the geographical gap between humans and humans" is awkward and redundant. "Bridge geographical distances between individuals" is more concise and clear.
"individuals may have more chances to study abroad" -> "individuals may have increased opportunities to study abroad"
Explanation: "more chances" is informal; "increased opportunities" is more formal.
"which results in having a better life, more work experiences, and job opportunities" -> "resulting in improved quality of life, broader work experiences, and enhanced job prospects"
Explanation: The original phrase is wordy and lacks precision. The suggested alternative is clearer and more concise.
"it is thought that drawbacks are still more significant than such upward sides" -> "it is believed that the drawbacks outweigh the advantages"
Explanation: "drawbacks are still more significant than such upward sides" is unclear and awkward. "The drawbacks outweigh the advantages" is more direct and concise.
"First and foremost" -> "Primarily"
Explanation: "First and foremost" is less formal than "Primarily" and more suitable for spoken language.
"employees can choose distance occupations" -> "employees can opt for remote work"
Explanation: "distance occupations" is not a standard term. "Remote work" is a more common and appropriate phrase.
"leads to a sedentary life" -> "results in a sedentary lifestyle"
Explanation: "leads to" is less formal than "results in." "Sedentary lifestyle" is a more precise term than "sedentary life."
"According to that" -> "As a result,"
Explanation: "According to that" is informal and unclear. "As a result," clarifies the cause-and-effect relationship.
"they face health problems such as eye diseases, and obesity" -> "they may encounter health issues such as vision problems and obesity"
Explanation: "face health problems" is too general. "Encounter health issues" is more precise. "Eye diseases" is broad; "vision problems" is more specific. Removing the conjunction "and" before "obesity" improves readability.
"the values of tradition which are alternatives by modern ones" -> "traditional values supplanted by modern ones"
Explanation: "values of tradition which are alternatives by modern ones" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Traditional values supplanted by modern ones" is clearer and more concise.
"Consequencely" -> "Consequently,"
Explanation: "Consequencely" is a misspelling. "Consequently," is the correct spelling and maintains formal tone.
"kids’ priority choices" -> "children’s preferred activities"
Explanation: "kids’ priority choices" is informal. "Children’s preferred activities" is more formal and appropriate.
"humans are unable to approach overall traditional achievements effectively" -> "individuals are unable to engage effectively with traditional practices"
Explanation: "humans are unable to approach overall traditional achievements effectively" is unclear and awkward. "Individuals are unable to engage effectively with traditional practices" is clearer and more concise.
"isolate themselves from reality" -> "become disconnected from reality"
Explanation: "isolate themselves from reality" is somewhat informal. "Become disconnected from reality" is more formal and precise.
"the appearance of technological advancements" -> "the advent of technological advancements"
Explanation: "appearance of technological advancements" is somewhat awkward. "Advent of technological advancements" is more formal and precise.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of the statement, discussing benefits such as improved communication, increased opportunities for travel and education, as well as drawbacks like sedentary lifestyles and the erosion of traditional values.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, ensure that each point is fully developed and supported with specific examples or evidence. Additionally, consider exploring the nuanced aspects of the advantages and disadvantages to provide a more comprehensive analysis.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages of people being able to live and work wherever they want due to technological advancements. This stance is evident from the introductory paragraph through to the conclusion.
- How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, provide a more explicit thesis statement in the introduction that clearly outlines the writer’s viewpoint and the reasons supporting it. Additionally, ensure that each body paragraph reinforces this position consistently.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about both the advantages and disadvantages of technological advancements, offering examples such as improved communication through smartphones and the negative impact on physical health due to sedentary lifestyles.
- How to improve: To extend and support ideas more effectively, consider elaborating on each point with additional details, explanations, or real-life examples. This will provide a more robust foundation for the arguments presented and enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by addressing the advantages and disadvantages of people being able to live and work wherever they want due to improved communication and transportation technology. However, there are some instances where the connection to the prompt could be strengthened.
- How to improve: To maintain a stronger focus on the topic, ensure that each example or argument directly relates to the impact of improved communication and transportation technology on people’s ability to choose their living and working locations. Avoid tangential discussions that stray too far from this central theme.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a coherent argument, there is room for improvement in providing more detailed examples, strengthening the connection to the prompt, and ensuring consistency in the development of ideas and position throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate level of logical organization. It starts with a clear introduction that introduces the topic and provides a stance. Each body paragraph presents a distinct viewpoint, with one paragraph discussing advantages and the other focusing on disadvantages. However, the transition between paragraphs could be smoother to enhance coherence. Additionally, the conclusion succinctly restates the writer’s position but lacks a summary of key points discussed in the body paragraphs.
- How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider using transition words or phrases between paragraphs to create a smoother flow of ideas. Also, ensure that the conclusion summarizes the main points discussed in the body paragraphs to provide a cohesive ending to the essay.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas and arguments. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, such as advantages or disadvantages. However, the structure within paragraphs could be strengthened to improve coherence. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas without clear transitions between them, leading to slightly disjointed organization within paragraphs.
- How to improve: Work on structuring paragraphs with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting details and examples. Ensure that each paragraph maintains a coherent focus on a single aspect of the argument to enhance clarity and readability.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses a limited range of cohesive devices to connect ideas and create cohesion. While some basic cohesive devices, such as "firstly," "secondly," and "in conclusion," are utilized, there is a lack of variety in cohesive devices throughout the essay. This affects the overall coherence as the connections between sentences and paragraphs could be more effectively established.
- How to improve: Incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices, including conjunctions (e.g., "however," "therefore," "moreover"), transitional phrases (e.g., "on the other hand," "in addition to"), and pronouns (e.g., "this," "these"), to create smoother transitions between ideas and improve coherence. Varying the types of cohesive devices used can enhance the overall flow of the essay and make it more cohesive.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary throughout, with varied word choices such as "flexibility," "accommodations," "sedentary," "undeniable," and "consequently." These words contribute to conveying the writer’s ideas effectively.
- How to improve: To further enhance lexical resource, consider incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary where appropriate. For instance, instead of using "negative impacts," consider alternatives like "adverse consequences" or "detrimental effects" to elevate the lexical richness of the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, with clear expressions of ideas. For example, the term "sedentary life" effectively conveys the idea of a lifestyle characterized by little physical activity. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise. For instance, the phrase "because people spend their whole time sitting down in front of the screen" could be refined to specify the nature of the screen time, such as "engaging in prolonged screen-based activities."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, consider carefully selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Avoid ambiguous or vague language by providing specific details or examples. Additionally, be mindful of context and use vocabulary that accurately reflects the intended message.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, with no major spelling errors noted. However, there are a few minor issues, such as "consequencely" instead of "consequently." Overall, spelling does not significantly impede comprehension but could be improved for greater clarity and professionalism.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spelling and grammar checkers or proofreading tools to identify and correct errors. Additionally, practice regularly reviewing spelling rules and common misspellings to strengthen spelling skills. Finally, proofreading carefully before submitting or publishing written work can help catch any remaining spelling errors.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there’s room for improvement in diversifying structures further to enhance coherence and sophistication. For instance, while there are instances of complex sentences ("Currently, thanks to the development of technology, certain individuals have flexibility in living and working at any place they would like"), the essay could benefit from more varied structures to add richness and depth to the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating additional complex and compound-complex sentences, varying sentence lengths for rhythm and emphasis, and using introductory phrases or clauses to add complexity and sophistication to the writing. Experimenting with rhetorical devices like parallelism or inversion can also elevate the prose.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy, with few noticeable errors. However, there are some instances of grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors that affect clarity and coherence. For example, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("citizens can keep in touch with their families when they are homesick"), incorrect word usage ("eliminate the geographical gap between humans and humans"), and missing or misused punctuation marks (comma splices, missing commas after introductory phrases).
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, it’s essential to review and practice specific grammar rules and punctuation conventions regularly. Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, proper word choice, and punctuation usage. Proofreading carefully and considering the context of each sentence can help identify and correct errors effectively. Additionally, seeking feedback from peers or instructors and studying grammar resources can provide valuable support in refining language proficiency.

Bài sửa mẫu

Currently, due to technological advancements, individuals enjoy flexibility in choosing where they live and work. From this perspective, while there are clear benefits to the notion of easily altering living and work arrangements in a technologically advanced society, negative impacts may outweigh them to a considerable degree.

On the positive side, there are several advantages to the ability to change accommodations and work locations easily in today’s society. Firstly, individuals can maintain communication with their families, alleviating homesickness. For example, my uncle often has extended assignments in distant places, and thus, he can utilize his smartphone as a means of communication with his parents during his travels. As a result, it helps bridge geographical distances between individuals. Secondly, individuals may have increased opportunities to study abroad. Thanks to technological advancements, people tend to travel to neighboring nations, resulting in improved quality of life, broader work experiences, and enhanced job prospects.

However, it is believed that the drawbacks outweigh the advantages. Primarily, employees can opt for remote work, which results in a sedentary lifestyle. As a result, they may encounter health issues such as vision problems and obesity. Additionally, traditional values are supplanted by modern ones. Consequently, children’s preferred activities have shifted, and individuals are unable to engage effectively with traditional practices, becoming disconnected from reality.

In conclusion, while there are benefits to the ability to live and work wherever one chooses due to improved communication and transportation technology, the negative impacts, including sedentary lifestyles and disconnection from traditional values, may outweigh the advantages.