people in many countries are spending less time with their family. what are the reasons, and effects of this?

In contemporary living, there are increasingly numbers of individuals who have a tendency towards to spend less time with family members. This essay will reveal the causes behind this issue and analyze the potential consequences on societies.

One of the primary reasons for this problem is that the growth in the rate of people rely on technological devices, especially the young. In this modern age, the technology is increasingly developed and it not only makes works, studies more convenient but also serves as a source of entertainment, contributing to reduce time spent together as a family. Furthermore, when people become mature, as the pressure from economic burden, they need to dedicate time to works days and nights to pursuit a stable career and future life. Additionally, children in this day and age are under the great pressure from study, a survey in HCM city in Vietnam has shown that the children from 12 to 16 years old spent about 10 hours per day to study, they hardly have adequate time with family members, diminishes precious moments around family.

It is my firm conviction that the ongoing trend toward the lack of family interaction brings about potential drawbacks not only families but also society at large. The lack of time with family will increase the arguments between members as they are unable to share viewpoint, fully understand each other. On a societal level, the deterioration in family relationships can contribute to a host of social issues. For example, when parents spend more time on their works and less time with their children, and this might be a factor contributes to mental health issues among the young such as anxiety, depression, autism, in some cases, these parents may inadvertently let their kids access to harmful influences from bad friends or social media, giving rise to increased criminal actions.

In conclusion, there are many reasons for the limited time spent together by family members and this phenomenon has a substantial impact on both family and society level.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In contemporary living" -> "In contemporary society"
Explanation: "In contemporary society" is a more precise and formal phrase that better captures the context of modern times, aligning with academic style.
"increasing numbers of individuals" -> "an increasing number of individuals"
Explanation: "An increasing number of" is grammatically correct and more formal, improving the sentence structure and clarity.
"have a tendency towards to" -> "tend to"
Explanation: "Tend to" is a more concise and natural way to express the tendency, avoiding the awkward repetition of "towards to."
"the growth in the rate of people rely on" -> "the increasing reliance of people on"
Explanation: "The increasing reliance of people on" is more precise and formal, avoiding the awkward construction of "the growth in the rate of people rely on."
"the technology is increasingly developed" -> "technology is increasingly developed"
Explanation: Removing "the" before "technology" corrects the grammatical error and maintains the formal tone.
"makes works, studies more convenient" -> "makes work and study more convenient"
Explanation: "Work and study" is grammatically correct and clearer than "works, studies," which is awkward and incorrect.
"serves as a source of entertainment, contributing to reduce time spent together as a family" -> "serves as a source of entertainment, thereby reducing time spent together as a family"
Explanation: "Thereby reducing" is a more formal and precise way to indicate the causal relationship between the entertainment and reduced family time.
"as the pressure from economic burden" -> "due to the economic burden"
Explanation: "Due to the economic burden" is more direct and formal, improving the clarity and flow of the sentence.
"they need to dedicate time to works days and nights" -> "they must dedicate time to their work, day and night"
Explanation: "Their work, day and night" is grammatically correct and more formal, avoiding the awkward and incorrect "works days and nights."
"pursuit a stable career and future life" -> "pursue a stable career and future life"
Explanation: "Pursue" is the correct verb form, and the article "a" is needed before "stable career."
"children in this day and age" -> "children in contemporary society"
Explanation: "In contemporary society" is a more formal and precise phrase than "in this day and age," which is somewhat colloquial.
"diminishes precious moments around family" -> "diminishes precious family moments"
Explanation: "Precious family moments" is a more natural and formal way to express the idea, avoiding the awkward construction "around family."
"It is my firm conviction" -> "I firmly believe"
Explanation: "I firmly believe" is a more direct and academically appropriate expression than "It is my firm conviction," which can sound overly formal and less natural.
"the ongoing trend toward the lack of family interaction" -> "the ongoing trend towards reduced family interaction"
Explanation: "Towards reduced family interaction" is grammatically correct and clearer than "toward the lack of family interaction."
"the deterioration in family relationships" -> "the deterioration of family relationships"
Explanation: "Of" is the correct preposition to use with "deterioration," improving the grammatical accuracy.
"this might be a factor contributes to" -> "this might contribute to"
Explanation: "Contribute to" is the correct form, eliminating the awkward and incorrect "a factor contributes to."
"access to harmful influences from bad friends or social media" -> "exposure to harmful influences from bad friends or social media"
Explanation: "Exposure" is a more precise term than "access" in this context, fitting the academic style better.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt: it identifies reasons for families spending less time together and discusses the effects of this trend. The reasons provided include reliance on technology and economic pressures, which are relevant and well-explained. However, the discussion of effects could be more nuanced; while it mentions arguments and societal issues, the examples could be more specific and varied to enhance understanding.
- How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the writer should consider providing more detailed examples for each reason and effect. For instance, including specific statistics or studies related to technology use or economic pressures would strengthen the argument. Additionally, discussing a wider range of effects, such as emotional or developmental impacts on children, would provide a more rounded response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the reduction of family time is a negative trend. The writer expresses a firm conviction about the drawbacks of this trend, which is commendable. However, the transition between discussing reasons and effects could be smoother, as the shift feels slightly abrupt. The phrase "it is my firm conviction" introduces the effects section but could be better integrated into the overall flow of the essay.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position throughout the essay, the writer should use transitional phrases that link the reasons to the effects more cohesively. For instance, after discussing the reasons, a sentence summarizing how these reasons lead to the identified effects would create a stronger connection and enhance clarity.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the reasons and effects of reduced family time. However, while some ideas are supported with explanations, others lack depth. For example, the mention of technology as a reason is a strong point, but it could be further extended by discussing specific types of technology or how they replace family interactions. The effects on mental health are mentioned but could benefit from more elaboration.
- How to improve: To effectively present, elaborate, and substantiate ideas, the writer should aim to develop each point with examples, anecdotes, or data. For instance, when discussing the impact of economic pressures, the writer could include how long working hours specifically detract from family time. This would not only strengthen the argument but also engage the reader more effectively.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons and effects of reduced family time. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly focused. For instance, the mention of "bad friends or social media" as influences could be seen as slightly tangential if not directly linked back to the main argument about family time.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance to the topic, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central theme of family time. It may be helpful to outline the essay before writing to ensure that all points are relevant and contribute to the overall argument. Additionally, any examples or anecdotes should be clearly tied back to the main thesis to reinforce the essay’s focus.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing reasons and effects, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively outlines the topic and the essay’s purpose. The body paragraphs are organized thematically, with the first focusing on reasons and the second on effects. However, the transition between the reasons and effects could be smoother. For example, the shift from discussing technological reliance to economic pressures could benefit from a clearer linking sentence to maintain the flow of ideas.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas between paragraphs. For instance, after discussing the reasons, a sentence like "These factors not only affect individual families but also have broader implications for society" could serve as a bridge to the next paragraph.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the topic. The first paragraph addresses the reasons for reduced family time, while the second discusses the effects. However, the first body paragraph could be further divided into smaller sections to improve clarity, particularly where multiple reasons are presented. The current paragraph is somewhat lengthy and could overwhelm the reader.
- How to improve: Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones, especially when introducing new ideas or reasons. For example, separating the discussion of technological reliance from economic pressures would allow for a more focused exploration of each reason. Each paragraph should ideally contain a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "furthermore" and "additionally," which help to connect ideas. However, there is a limited range of cohesive devices used, and some sentences feel abrupt or disjointed. For instance, the transition from discussing children’s study pressures to the effects on family dynamics could benefit from additional linking phrases to clarify the relationship between ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "in addition," "consequently," and "as a result." Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to maintain clarity. For example, when introducing a consequence, phrases like "This leads to…" or "As a result of this…" can help clarify the cause-and-effect relationship between ideas.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, enhancing the logical flow, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to achieving a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with phrases such as "contemporary living," "economic burden," and "potential drawbacks." However, there are instances of repetition and limited variation in word choice. For example, the term "time" is used frequently without synonyms, which can make the writing feel monotonous. Additionally, phrases like "the technology is increasingly developed" could be expressed more dynamically.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "time," alternatives such as "hours," "moments," or "periods" could be utilized. Moreover, using more sophisticated vocabulary related to the topic, such as "interpersonal relationships" instead of "family interaction," would elevate the essay’s lexical quality.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some imprecise vocabulary choices that may confuse the reader. For example, the phrase "the growth in the rate of people rely on technological devices" should be corrected to "the growing reliance of people on technological devices." Additionally, "diminishes precious moments around family" could be more clearly stated as "diminishes precious moments spent with family."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on ensuring that phrases are grammatically correct and clearly convey the intended meaning. It is advisable to review sentences for clarity and to replace vague terms with more specific language. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrases that may need rephrasing.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "increasingly numbers" (should be "increasing number"), "rely" (should be "reliance"), and "works days and nights" (should be "work days and nights"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a thorough proofreading process. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay backwards can help catch spelling mistakes. Additionally, practicing spelling common academic vocabulary and keeping a personal list of frequently misspelled words can be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will significantly enhance the overall quality of the writing. Focusing on these areas will help the writer achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "when people become mature, as the pressure from economic burden, they need to dedicate time to works days and nights to pursuit a stable career and future life" showcases an attempt to convey complex ideas. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and grammatical errors that detract from the overall effectiveness, such as "the technology is increasingly developed" which could be more fluidly expressed as "technology is increasingly advancing."
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating more varied conjunctions and transition phrases to connect ideas smoothly. Additionally, using more conditional sentences or participial phrases could add depth. For example, instead of saying "this might be a factor contributes to mental health issues," it could be rephrased to "this could contribute to mental health issues." Engaging with more complex grammatical structures in practice essays will also help.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation issues. For example, "the growth in the rate of people rely on technological devices" should be "the growth in the rate of people relying on technological devices." Additionally, the phrase "the technology is increasingly developed" is awkward; a more accurate expression would be "technology is rapidly developing." Punctuation errors include the lack of commas in compound sentences, such as in "the lack of time with family will increase the arguments between members as they are unable to share viewpoint," which should have a comma before "as."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of gerunds and infinitives. Engaging in targeted grammar exercises, especially on common errors, can be beneficial. For punctuation, practicing the rules for comma usage in complex sentences and ensuring clarity in sentence structure will enhance readability. Reading well-structured essays or articles can also provide insight into proper punctuation and grammar usage.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a commendable effort in using a variety of structures and addressing the prompt, attention to grammatical accuracy and fluidity in expression will be essential for achieving a higher band score. Regular practice and review of grammatical rules, alongside reading and analyzing high-scoring IELTS essays, will aid in improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, there is an increasing number of individuals who tend to spend less time with family members. This essay will reveal the causes behind this issue and analyze the potential consequences on societies.

One of the primary reasons for this problem is the growth in the rate of people relying on technological devices, especially the young. In this modern age, technology is increasingly developed, and it not only makes work and study more convenient but also serves as a source of entertainment, thereby reducing time spent together as a family. Furthermore, when people become mature, due to the economic burden, they need to dedicate time to their work, day and night, to pursue a stable career and future life. Additionally, children in contemporary society are under great pressure from their studies. A survey in HCM City in Vietnam has shown that children aged 12 to 16 spend about 10 hours per day studying, and they hardly have adequate time with family members, which diminishes precious family moments.

I firmly believe that the ongoing trend towards reduced family interaction brings about potential drawbacks not only for families but also for society at large. The lack of time with family will increase arguments between members as they are unable to share viewpoints and fully understand each other. On a societal level, the deterioration of family relationships can contribute to a host of social issues. For example, when parents spend more time on their work and less time with their children, this might be a factor that contributes to mental health issues among the young, such as anxiety, depression, and autism. In some cases, these parents may inadvertently allow their kids exposure to harmful influences from bad friends or social media, giving rise to increased criminal actions.

In conclusion, there are many reasons for the limited time spent together by family members, and this phenomenon has a substantial impact on both family and societal levels.