People nowadays tend to have children at older ages. Why? Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?
There has been much controversy about whether delaying childbirth brings more benefits or drawbacks. From my perspective, this trend is more advantageous because of the financial stability and women’s freedom.
On the one hand, it is understandable why those who are on the opposing side believe that bringing forth offspring at older age is disadvantageous. To begin with, one of the main justification is the mother’s and infant’s health. To illustrate, the mother’s chance of miscarriage is increased, along with an increased risk of developing gestational diabetes, high blood pressure, and having a child that is preterm. Besides, your child may have a chromosomal abnormality, such as Down’s syndrome. Furthermore, there is also a generation gap in terms of relatability. As the age gap between the child and the parents increases, their ability to relate to each other and share the same ideas about life could be placed under severe pressure. This may have negative consequences on the child’s upbringing and development.
Nevertheless, the merit of having a kid at an older age surpassed the demerits which could be easily tackled. Firstly, not only does it give them the mental preparedness that is required to raise a youngster, but it also helps them to have more time to enjoy youth. For instance, adults can spend their time traveling or engage in volunteer work which gives them a broader perspective and unforgettable experiences. Another advantage behind this trend is that it also helps parents to prepare for the financial burden of catering to the kid and providing appropriate basic amenities. The knowledge gathered through experience could also come in handy when it involves paying attention to abnormalities. This leads to the higher living standard of their children such as education or healthcare.
In conclusion, it is apparent that the benefits of having children later in life are more important than the demerits which could easily be contained. However, I would like to point out that the downsides such as health problems and the gap between generations could be easily managed with the inception of advanced medical equipment and communication between parents and offsprings.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"There has been much controversy" -> "There has been considerable controversy"
Explanation: Replacing "much controversy" with "considerable controversy" enhances the formality of the statement and avoids an overly casual tone.
"bringing forth offspring" -> "bearing children"
Explanation: "Bringing forth offspring" is somewhat formal and can be replaced with the more conventional and academic term "bearing children."
"To begin with, one of the main justification" -> "To begin with, one of the primary justifications"
Explanation: Replacing "main justification" with "primary justifications" provides a more precise and formal expression.
"Furthermore, there is also a generation gap" -> "Moreover, a generation gap exists"
Explanation: The use of "Furthermore" can be replaced with "Moreover" for a more formal transition. Additionally, rephrasing to "a generation gap exists" contributes to a more academic tone.
"their ability to relate to each other" -> "their capacity to relate to one another"
Explanation: "Ability" is replaced with "capacity" to enhance the formality, and "to each other" is adjusted to "to one another" for a more polished expression.
"the merit of having a kid" -> "the advantage of having a child"
Explanation: "Merit" is replaced with "advantage," which is a more formal term. Additionally, "kid" is replaced with "child" for a more sophisticated tone.
"For instance, adults can spend their time" -> "For example, adults can dedicate their time"
Explanation: Substituting "For instance" with "For example" aligns with formal writing conventions. "Spend their time" is replaced with "dedicate their time" for a more refined expression.
"unforgettable experiences" -> "memorable experiences"
Explanation: "Unforgettable" is replaced with "memorable" to maintain a formal tone while using a slightly more advanced synonym.
"it also helps parents to prepare for the financial burden" -> "it also enables parents to anticipate the financial responsibility"
Explanation: Replacing "prepare for the financial burden" with "anticipate the financial responsibility" adds nuance and formality to the sentence.
"In conclusion, it is apparent that" -> "In conclusion, it is evident that"
Explanation: Substituting "apparent" with "evident" contributes to a more formal conclusion.
"demerits which could easily be contained" -> "drawbacks that can be easily addressed"
Explanation: Replacing "demerits" with "drawbacks" and "contained" with "addressed" enhances the precision and formality of the statement.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay does a commendable job of addressing all aspects of the prompt. It discusses both advantages and disadvantages of having children at older ages, covering health concerns, generational gaps, financial readiness, and the potential benefits of delayed parenthood.
- How to improve: While the essay is comprehensive, it would be beneficial to emphasize the importance of directly answering each part of the question in the introduction, providing a roadmap for the reader.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance in favor of having children at older ages. The position is evident in the introduction and is consistently supported throughout the body paragraphs.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the author could explicitly state their position in the thesis statement of the introduction, ensuring the reader immediately understands the writer’s perspective.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas, develops them with relevant examples, and supports them with arguments and illustrations. Instances include discussing the mental preparedness, benefits of delayed parenting for financial stability, and experiences gained through travel and volunteer work.
- How to improve: To further strengthen the essay, it would be advantageous to provide more nuanced examples and elaborate on the potential drawbacks, adding depth to the discussion.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of having children at older ages. However, the brief mention of advanced medical equipment and communication as solutions feels slightly off-topic.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point directly relates to the advantages and disadvantages of delayed parenthood. If discussing solutions, tie them back explicitly to the overall theme.
Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively addresses various facets of the topic. To improve further, the writer can enhance clarity by explicitly stating their position in the introduction, provide more nuanced examples to bolster arguments, and ensure that every point made directly relates to the theme of delayed parenthood.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally follows a logical structure with a clear introduction, body paragraphs presenting arguments, and a conclusion. However, the organization within the body paragraphs could be improved. For example, in the second paragraph, health-related disadvantages are discussed, but there is a sudden shift to the advantages without a smooth transition. This disrupts the overall flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, maintain a smoother transition between contrasting ideas. Use transitional phrases to guide the reader from one point to the next. Consider reordering or subdividing paragraphs to create a more seamless progression of arguments.
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to present distinct ideas, but the structure within paragraphs could be refined. The second paragraph, for instance, covers both disadvantages and advantages, making it less focused. Additionally, some paragraphs could be more clearly developed with stronger topic sentences.
- How to improve: Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea, supported by relevant details. Start each paragraph with a strong topic sentence that previews the main point. Consider breaking down the second paragraph into separate paragraphs for discussing disadvantages and advantages, respectively.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay incorporates cohesive devices such as transition words (e.g., "To begin with," "Nevertheless," "In conclusion"), but their use is somewhat repetitive. Additionally, the essay could benefit from a more varied range of cohesive devices for smoother connections between ideas.
- How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices to create a more engaging and varied discourse. Experiment with a range of transitional phrases, conjunctions, and pronouns. Ensure that the use of these devices contributes to a cohesive and coherent flow, avoiding repetition.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, addressing these specific areas will further enhance the logical organization, paragraph structure, and the diversity of cohesive devices, potentially elevating the band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use a variety of words, but some phrases are repeated, and the vocabulary lacks depth and sophistication. For instance, the phrases "advantageous" and "disadvantageous" are used repeatedly, and there is room for improvement in introducing more nuanced expressions and synonyms.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more diverse and contextually relevant terms. Instead of relying on general phrases, delve into more specific vocabulary that aligns with the essay’s context. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "advantageous," explore words like "beneficial," "favorable," or "positive aspects."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary adequately, but there are instances where precision is compromised. For example, the phrase "your child" in the second paragraph could be more precisely stated as "a child," as it adds a level of generality that fits the context better.
- How to improve: Pay close attention to the specificity of your language. In cases where a more general term is appropriate, use it, but when precision is needed, opt for more specific vocabulary. In this instance, substituting "your child" with "a child" maintains clarity while avoiding unnecessary personalization.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling throughout. However, there are a few errors, such as "offsprings," which should be corrected to "offspring" in the last sentence.
- How to improve: Continue to proofread your work meticulously to catch any spelling errors. Additionally, consider utilizing spelling and grammar-check tools to ensure accuracy. Developing a habit of revisiting your writing with a focus on spelling will contribute to maintaining a high level of correctness.
In conclusion, while the essay exhibits a commendable command of language, there is room for improvement in diversifying vocabulary, enhancing precision, and maintaining consistent spelling accuracy. These refinements can elevate the overall lexical resource of the essay to a higher band score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
Detailed explanation: The essay displays a commendable range of sentence structures. It utilizes various sentence types, including complex sentences (e.g., "There has been much controversy about whether delaying childbirth brings more benefits or drawbacks"), compound sentences (e.g., "To begin with, one of the main justifications is the mother’s and infant’s health"), and simple sentences (e.g., "Nevertheless, the merit of having a kid at an older age surpassed the demerits which could be easily tackled"). However, there is room for improvement in the variety and complexity of sentence structures. For instance, integrating more compound-complex sentences and employing advanced syntactic structures could enhance the overall richness of the essay.
How to improve: To further diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating complex sentences with multiple clauses. Additionally, experiment with advanced syntactic structures, such as inversion or parallelism, to add sophistication to the writing. For example, instead of relying predominantly on simple cause-and-effect structures, explore the use of conditional sentences or inverted word order.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances where errors in subject-verb agreement and word choice can be identified. For instance, in the sentence "Nevertheless, the merit of having a kid at an older age surpassed the demerits which could be easily tackled," the singular "merit" conflicts with the plural "demerits," and the word "demerits" itself might be better replaced with a term like "drawbacks." Moreover, there is a missing article in "This leads to the higher living standard of their children such as education or healthcare," where it should be "a higher living standard."
How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and ensure consistency in singular/plural usage. Also, consider using more precise and varied vocabulary, avoiding repetitive terms like "merit" and "demerits." In terms of punctuation, maintain consistency in punctuation style throughout the essay, and proofread for missing or misused articles. Engaging in thorough revision and seeking feedback on specific grammatical issues can contribute to further improvement.
Bài sửa mẫu
There has been considerable controversy surrounding the decision to delay childbirth, with arguments on whether it brings more benefits or drawbacks. From my perspective, this trend is more advantageous due to the focus on financial stability and women’s freedom.
On one hand, it is understandable why those on the opposing side believe that giving birth at an older age is disadvantageous. To begin with, one of the primary justifications is the potential impact on the mother’s and infant’s health. For example, the mother’s chances of miscarriage increase, along with a heightened risk of developing gestational diabetes, high blood pressure, and the possibility of having a child born preterm. Moreover, there is the concern about chromosomal abnormalities, such as Down’s syndrome. Additionally, a generation gap exists in terms of their capacity to relate to one another. As the age gap between the child and the parents widens, their ability to share similar ideas about life and relate to each other may face significant challenges, potentially affecting the child’s upbringing and development.
Nevertheless, the advantages of having a child at an older age outweigh the drawbacks, and many of the concerns can be easily addressed. Firstly, it provides parents with the mental preparedness necessary to raise a child. It also allows them more time to enjoy their youth; for instance, adults can dedicate their time to travel or engage in volunteer work, gaining a broader perspective and creating memorable experiences. Another significant advantage is that delaying childbirth enables parents to anticipate the financial responsibility of raising a child, ensuring they can provide essential amenities and contribute to their child’s education and healthcare. The knowledge gained through experience becomes valuable, especially when it comes to paying attention to potential abnormalities.
In conclusion, it is evident that the benefits of having children later in life outweigh the drawbacks, which can be easily addressed. However, it’s crucial to acknowledge that potential downsides, such as health problems and the generation gap, can be effectively managed with the help of advanced medical equipment and open communication between parents and offspring.