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People often think about creating an ideal society, but most of the times fail in making this happen.What is your opinion about an ideal society. How can we create an ideal society?

People often think about creating an ideal society, but most of the times fail in making this happen.What is your opinion about an ideal society. How can we create an ideal society?

The fact that a variety of concepts of an ideal society from philosophers has gained public curiosity. Despite the persistent human yearning for perfection, numerous attempts have fallen short in crafting an ideal society. This essay will delve into fundamental factors to achieving a perfect community and provide my perspective on this phenomenon.

As a starting point, in my opinion, an ideal society is an environment in which its dwellers have the autonomy to pursue what they love and attain states of joy. Firstly, freedom could play a vital role in the appearance of a civilized society. Obviously, if citizens are stripped of the right to express their ideas or independence of choice, they would be inclined to link with a huge influx of others in the same circumstances creating campaigns to reclaim their liberty. As a result, this would prompt social turmoil, which can hardly find a worth living environment. Secondly, economic stability is a cornerstone of a harmonious society. Not surprisingly, individuals, by landing a sustainable job with high-paying, stand a chance of bettering their quality of life. Therefore, this would limit the likelihood of committing crimes such as thefts, and murders.

It would be nearly impossible to form an ideal society where everyone feels happy, satisfied, and free to do what they like. Take drinking beer as a vivid example, enacting a prohibition on this stuff could compel people to abandon it with the aim of minimizing the risk of traffic accidents, conversely, it would ruin their freedom of choice.

However, due to the disparity in individuals’ perceptions of a worthwhile living environment, education in certain sets of beliefs and values would be a workable approach to shaping an ideal society.

In conclusion, While having recognized some factors to establish an ideal society, I reckon that such a wonderful place is nigh on impossible to build. I finally deem that people should not give a shot to create it.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "The fact that a variety of concepts of an ideal society from philosophers has gained public curiosity." -> "The exploration of various conceptualizations of an ideal society by philosophers has captured public interest."
    Explanation: Replacing "The fact that" with "The exploration of" adds precision and formality. Also, changing "gained public curiosity" to "captured public interest" enhances the sophistication of the expression.

  2. "numerous attempts have fallen short in crafting an ideal society." -> "Many endeavors have proven inadequate in the establishment of an ideal society."
    Explanation: Substituting "numerous attempts have fallen short" with "Many endeavors have proven inadequate" offers a more formal and nuanced expression.

  3. "This essay will delve into fundamental factors to achieving a perfect community…" -> "This essay will explore fundamental factors for achieving an exemplary community…"
    Explanation: Replacing "delve into" with "explore" maintains formality, and changing "to achieving" to "for achieving" improves the grammatical structure.

  4. "in my opinion, an ideal society is an environment in which its dwellers have the autonomy to pursue what they love and attain states of joy." -> "From my perspective, an ideal society is one where inhabitants have the autonomy to pursue their passions and achieve states of contentment."
    Explanation: Introducing "From my perspective" adds a formal touch, and rephrasing "its dwellers" to "inhabitants" enhances formality and clarity.

  5. "Obviously, if citizens are stripped of the right to express their ideas or independence of choice, they would be inclined to link with a huge influx of others in the same circumstances creating campaigns to reclaim their liberty." -> "Certainly, if citizens are deprived of the right to express their ideas or the independence of choice, they would likely unite with a substantial number of others facing similar circumstances, initiating campaigns to reclaim their liberty."
    Explanation: Substituting "Obviously" with "Certainly" and rephrasing the sentence for clarity and formality.

  6. "As a result, this would prompt social turmoil, which can hardly find a worth living environment." -> "Consequently, this could incite social turmoil, making it challenging to maintain a worthwhile living environment."
    Explanation: Changing "As a result, this would prompt" to "Consequently, this could incite" improves the structure and formality of the sentence.

  7. "economic stability is a cornerstone of a harmonious society." -> "Economic stability constitutes a cornerstone of a harmonious society."
    Explanation: Simplifying the sentence and removing unnecessary words while maintaining formality.

  8. "Not surprisingly, individuals, by landing a sustainable job with high-paying, stand a chance of bettering their quality of life." -> "Unsurprisingly, individuals, upon securing a sustainable, high-paying job, stand a chance of improving their quality of life."
    Explanation: Streamlining the sentence for clarity and using more formal language.

  9. "Take drinking beer as a vivid example, enacting a prohibition on this stuff could compel people to abandon it with the aim of minimizing the risk of traffic accidents, conversely, it would ruin their freedom of choice." -> "Consider the consumption of beer as an illustrative example; implementing a prohibition on this substance might compel individuals to abstain, aiming to reduce the risk of traffic accidents. Conversely, it could undermine their freedom of choice."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality, replacing informal terms like "stuff" with "substance."

  10. "It would be nearly impossible to form an ideal society where everyone feels happy, satisfied, and free to do what they like." -> "Forming an ideal society where everyone feels happy, satisfied, and free to pursue their preferences would be a formidable challenge."
    Explanation: Simplifying and enhancing the formality of the expression.

  11. "While having recognized some factors to establish an ideal society, I reckon that such a wonderful place is nigh on impossible to build." -> "Having acknowledged certain factors necessary for establishing an ideal society, I contend that creating such a utopian place is nearly impossible."
    Explanation: Replacing "While having recognized" with "Having acknowledged" for conciseness and substituting "I reckon" with "I contend" for a more formal tone.

  12. "I finally deem that people should not give a shot to create it." -> "In conclusion, I firmly believe that attempting to create such a society is not advisable."
    Explanation: Replacing "I finally deem" with "In conclusion, I firmly believe" adds formality, and changing "give a shot" to "attempting" improves precision.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both aspects of the prompt. It defines an ideal society as one where individuals have the autonomy to pursue their passions and achieve happiness. The author explores the importance of freedom and economic stability in creating such a society.
    • How to improve: While the essay is comprehensive, providing specific examples or hypothetical scenarios related to creating an ideal society could enhance the depth of the response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The author maintains a clear position throughout the essay, asserting that an ideal society is challenging to create and people should not attempt it. The stance is evident in the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, the author could emphasize their viewpoint in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. It discusses the role of freedom and economic stability in shaping an ideal society and provides examples to illustrate these points.
    • How to improve: To enhance the depth of the essay, the author could explore potential counterarguments briefly and refute them, demonstrating a more nuanced understanding of the topic.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, focusing on defining an ideal society and discussing factors contributing to its creation. However, there is a slight deviation when discussing the prohibition of drinking beer.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that all examples and discussions directly relate to the concept of an ideal society. If introducing tangential topics, they should be more directly tied to the main argument.

General Comments:

The essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively discusses key elements related to an ideal society. The language is generally clear, and the structure is logical. To improve, consider providing more specific examples, reinforcing the essay’s main position, exploring counterarguments, and ensuring all discussions directly contribute to the central theme of creating an ideal society.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction sets the stage by addressing the concept of an ideal society and stating the author’s perspective. The body paragraphs discuss freedom and economic stability as crucial elements, providing examples and explanations. The conclusion reiterates the difficulty in creating an ideal society and emphasizes the author’s stance. However, there are instances where the flow is slightly disrupted, such as the abrupt transition from economic stability to the discussion on drinking beer. This could be improved for smoother connectivity.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider providing a clearer transition between ideas. In the case of the abrupt shift, you might introduce the topic of personal freedoms or societal restrictions before discussing drinking beer, creating a more seamless flow between paragraphs.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses paragraphs effectively, each focusing on a specific aspect of the ideal society. However, there is room for improvement in the length and structure of paragraphs. For instance, the paragraph discussing economic stability covers both the importance of jobs and potential reductions in crime, making it slightly lengthy. Breaking it into two distinct paragraphs could enhance clarity and make the essay more reader-friendly.
    • How to improve: Consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller, more focused ones. This not only aids in readability but also allows for a more detailed exploration of each subtopic. For instance, create a separate paragraph for the discussion on reducing crime through economic stability.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses cohesive devices moderately well. Transition words and phrases like "firstly," "secondly," and "however" contribute to coherence. However, there’s an opportunity to diversify the use of these devices further for a smoother flow between sentences and ideas. Additionally, some sentences lack explicit connections to preceding ones, impacting overall cohesion.
    • How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices, including synonyms for common transition words. For instance, use "furthermore," "moreover," or "in addition to" to introduce supporting points. Additionally, ensure each sentence relates explicitly to the preceding one, creating a more cohesive and logically connected essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is a reasonable attempt to incorporate varied terms, such as "autonomy," "harmonious society," and "perceptions of a worthwhile living environment." However, the essay lacks consistency in using a broad spectrum of vocabulary throughout. Some repetition of words and phrases is noticeable, limiting the overall richness of expression.
    • How to improve: To enhance your vocabulary range, explore synonyms and alternative expressions for key concepts. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "ideal society," consider using terms like "utopia," "perfect community," or "optimal societal structure" to add diversity and depth to your language.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision in vocabulary usage is adequate but could be improved. Some terms are used in a general sense, like "economic stability," which could benefit from more specific descriptors. Additionally, there are instances where words like "stuff" and "things" are employed, lacking precision and diminishing the overall clarity of the essay.
    • How to improve: Strive for specificity in your word choices. Instead of using vague terms, specify the nature of economic stability, perhaps by referencing factors like low unemployment rates, steady GDP growth, or a robust social safety net. Replace general words like "stuff" with more precise alternatives, maintaining clarity and professionalism in your language.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The spelling accuracy is generally sound. However, there are instances of minor errors, such as "dwellers" instead of "dwellers," and "worth living environment" instead of "livable environment." These do not significantly hinder comprehension but contribute to a slightly less polished presentation.
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to spelling details. Utilize spell-check tools and proofread your work systematically. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from others to catch any oversights. Developing a habit of revisiting and revising your written work can significantly contribute to improved spelling accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures further. The essay tends to rely on simple sentence structures at times, impacting the overall variety and sophistication. For instance, the repeated use of introductory phrases followed by simple sentences in the first paragraph could be diversified for a more engaging and varied expression of ideas.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences, using subordination and coordination effectively. Vary the length and structure of sentences to create a more dynamic and sophisticated flow of ideas. Additionally, experiment with rhetorical devices, such as parallelism or inversion, to add depth to your expression.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a commendable level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances where minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing occur. For example, in the sentence "Take drinking beer as a vivid example, enacting a prohibition on this stuff could compel people to abandon it," the phrase "abandon it" is slightly awkward and could be improved for clarity. Moreover, there are a few instances where the article usage is inconsistent or where sentence structures could be refined for smoother readability.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to article usage and consistency in sentence structures. Proofread the essay thoroughly to catch any minor errors or awkward phrasing. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to address specific instances of grammatical inconsistency. Focus on refining sentence structures for clarity and coherence.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical structures and accuracy, earning a Band Score of 7. To improve, focus on incorporating a wider range of sentence structures for greater variety and experiment with more complex constructions. Additionally, refine grammatical accuracy by addressing minor errors and inconsistencies in article usage, ensuring a polished and precise expression of ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

The exploration of various conceptualizations of an ideal society by philosophers has captured public interest. Despite the persistent human yearning for perfection, many endeavors have proven inadequate in the establishment of an ideal society. This essay will explore fundamental factors for achieving an exemplary community and provide my perspective on this phenomenon.

From my perspective, an ideal society is one where inhabitants have the autonomy to pursue their passions and achieve states of contentment. Certainly, if citizens are deprived of the right to express their ideas or the independence of choice, they would likely unite with a substantial number of others facing similar circumstances, initiating campaigns to reclaim their liberty. Consequently, this could incite social turmoil, making it challenging to maintain a worthwhile living environment.

Economic stability constitutes a cornerstone of a harmonious society. Unsurprisingly, individuals, upon securing a sustainable, high-paying job, stand a chance of improving their quality of life. Consider the consumption of beer as an illustrative example; implementing a prohibition on this substance might compel individuals to abstain, aiming to reduce the risk of traffic accidents. Conversely, it could undermine their freedom of choice.

Forming an ideal society where everyone feels happy, satisfied, and free to pursue their preferences would be a formidable challenge. Having acknowledged certain factors necessary for establishing an ideal society, I contend that creating such a utopian place is nearly impossible.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that attempting to create such a society is not advisable. While people often think about creating an ideal society, the reality is that the disparity in individuals’ perceptions of a worthwhile living environment makes it challenging. Instead, it may be more practical to focus on education in certain sets of beliefs and values as a workable approach to shaping a society that aligns with diverse perspectives.

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