People should look after their health as a duty for society rather than personal benefits. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In contemporary era, with the growing standard of living, people pay more attention to their health. Some people claim that health care is the responsibility for the society instead of personal benefits. From my point of view, I am in disagreement with this statement.
On the one hand, considering taking care of health as a duty for the society rather than as a matter of personal benefits can offer certain noteworthy advantages. The primary and intrinsic upside is that this would provide equitable access to healthcare for people. Indubitably, ensuring health as societal duty typically means striving for universal healthcare, proportionally, which would potentially reduce disparities in access to medical services, hence, addressing various issues such as geographic, economic inequalities regardless of their socio-economic status. Another inherent and prominent benefit is that this would improve public health.
On the other hand, viewing healthcare as society duty rather than personal benefits can engender discernible disadvantages. The first incontrovertible and prominent downside is that this would trigger the financial burden on the state. Irrefutably, providing comprehensive healthcare could be extremely expensive, proportionately, which would likely exert a adverse impact on the country’s substantial financial resources, therefore, straining government budgets and potential leading to higher taxes. The second unquestionable and noticeable drawback is that this could reduce personal responsibility. Doubtlessly, were individuals to perceive the importance of their health as the responsibility of society, they would be less motivated to engage in healthy behaviors, presumably causing higher rates of lifestyle-related diseases.
In conclusion, while looking after people’s health can yield noticeable benefits for them, the disadvantages of this phenomenon are more incontrovertibly detrimental in light of the aforementioned reasoning.

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Errors and Improvements:

"contemporary era" -> "contemporary times" or "modern era"
Explanation: "Contemporary era" is slightly awkward in academic writing. "Contemporary times" or "modern era" are more succinct and appropriate alternatives.
"Some people claim that" -> "Some argue that" or "There is a viewpoint that"
Explanation: "Some people claim that" sounds informal. "Some argue that" or "There is a viewpoint that" are more formal and academic alternatives.
"I am in disagreement with this statement" -> "I disagree with this statement"
Explanation: "I am in disagreement with" is overly wordy. "I disagree with" is more concise and appropriate for formal writing.
"taking care of health" -> "healthcare"
Explanation: "Taking care of health" is informal. "Healthcare" is the formal term used in academic contexts.
"equitable access" -> "equal access"
Explanation: "Equitable" is not incorrect, but "equal" is more commonly used in this context and is clearer.
"proportionally" -> "thereby"
Explanation: "Proportionally" is not incorrect, but "thereby" is more precise and flows better in the sentence.
"hence" -> "thereby"
Explanation: "Hence" can sound a bit informal in academic writing. "Thereby" is more formal and appropriate here.
"Incontrovertible" and "prominent" (repeated phrase) -> "undeniable" and "significant"
Explanation: Using synonyms like "undeniable" and "significant" provides variety and enhances the formal tone.
"financial burden on the state" -> "financial strain on the state"
Explanation: "Burden" can imply different connotations; "strain" is more precise in describing the financial impact.
"exert a adverse impact" -> "have a detrimental impact"
Explanation: "Exert a adverse impact" is awkward. "Have a detrimental impact" is clearer and more formal.
"substantial financial resources" -> "economic resources"
Explanation: "Substantial financial resources" is somewhat redundant. "Economic resources" is more concise.
"potential leading to" -> "potentially leading to"
Explanation: "Potential leading to" is grammatically incorrect. "Potentially leading to" corrects this.
"incontrovertibly detrimental" -> "clearly detrimental"
Explanation: "Incontrovertibly" is a bit strong; "clearly detrimental" maintains academic formality without being overly emphatic.
"were individuals to perceive" -> "if individuals perceive"
Explanation: "Were individuals to perceive" is overly formal. "If individuals perceive" is simpler and clearer.
"presumably causing" -> "potentially leading to"
Explanation: "Presumably causing" is speculative. "Potentially leading to" maintains a more cautious academic tone.

By making these adjustments, the essay maintains its academic tone while improving clarity and formality, thereby enhancing its effectiveness in conveying the argument.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the argument, discussing the benefits and drawbacks of viewing healthcare as a societal duty rather than for personal benefits. It recognizes the advantages of equitable access to healthcare and improved public health under this framework, while also acknowledging the financial burden on the state and the potential decrease in personal responsibility.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could further elaborate on the extent to which the author agrees or disagrees with the statement. While the disagreement is clear, offering a more nuanced perspective could strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance against the statement, arguing that health care should not be considered solely as a societal duty but should also encompass personal benefits. This position is consistently supported throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To further improve clarity, the essay could explicitly state the author’s stance in the introduction and conclusion paragraphs to ensure the reader understands the perspective from the outset.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas coherently and supports them with relevant examples and reasoning. For instance, it discusses the potential advantages of equitable access to healthcare and the disadvantages of increased financial burden on the state.
- How to improve: To extend ideas further, the essay could provide additional examples or evidence to bolster the arguments presented. Additionally, elaborating on the potential implications of reduced personal responsibility would enrich the discussion.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by addressing the central theme of whether healthcare should be viewed as a duty for society rather than for personal benefits. However, there are moments where the focus could be tighter, such as in the discussion of financial burden on the state.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that each point made directly relates to the prompt and contributes to the overall argument. Avoid tangential discussions that detract from the main topic.

Overall, while the essay effectively presents arguments and counterarguments regarding the societal duty of healthcare, there is room for improvement in providing a more nuanced perspective, enhancing clarity, extending ideas with additional examples or evidence, and maintaining strict relevance to the topic throughout.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear structure with an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph discusses a single main idea, starting with an introduction and clear topic sentences. For example, the introduction introduces the topic and states the writer’s opinion. In the body paragraphs, there is a clear contrast between the benefits and drawbacks of viewing healthcare as a societal duty. The conclusion provides a clear summary of the arguments presented.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure that each body paragraph is more balanced in length and content. The second body paragraph is significantly longer than the first, which can affect the coherence of the essay. Additionally, consider using linking words to improve the connectivity between ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to organize ideas. Each paragraph has a clear structure, including a topic sentence that introduces the main idea and supporting sentences that develop that idea further. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the benefits of viewing healthcare as a societal duty, while the second paragraph discusses the drawbacks. However, the second body paragraph is longer and more detailed than the first, which affects the balance of the essay.
- How to improve: Aim for more balanced paragraph lengths and ensure that each paragraph contributes equally to developing the argument. Consider breaking down the second body paragraph into two paragraphs to improve clarity and coherence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses a variety of cohesive devices such as linking words and phrases ("On the one hand," "On the other hand," "In conclusion," "while," "therefore," "hence") to link ideas and paragraphs together. These devices help guide the reader through the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance cohesion, consider using more sophisticated cohesive devices, such as pronouns ("this," "these"), synonyms ("prominent," "intrinsic"), and conjunctions ("although," "despite"). This will improve the overall flow and coherence of the essay.

Overall Feedback: The essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion overall, evidenced by a clear structure and effective use of paragraphs and cohesive devices. To achieve a higher band score (7 or above), focus on balancing the content and structure of body paragraphs, and enhancing the range and accuracy of cohesive devices used.

This feedback addresses the strengths and areas for improvement in the coherence and cohesion of the essay, aligning with the criteria for an IELTS Task 2 essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with varied lexical choices employed throughout. For instance, phrases like "contemporary era," "indubitably," "incontrovertible," and "adverse impact" showcase the writer’s ability to employ diverse vocabulary. Additionally, terms such as "intrinsically," "proportionally," and "presumably" add depth to the argumentation.
- How to improve: To further enhance lexical resource, consider incorporating more specialized vocabulary related to healthcare systems, societal responsibilities, and economic implications. This could entail utilizing terms like "universal healthcare coverage," "healthcare infrastructure," "socioeconomic disparities," or "public health initiatives" where appropriate. Expanding the vocabulary in these areas would enrich the essay’s lexical diversity and sophistication.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying the intended meaning. However, there are instances where more precise word choices could enhance clarity and impact. For example, the phrase "financial burden on the state" could be more precisely expressed as "financial strain on government resources," offering a clearer depiction of the issue. Similarly, "trigger the financial burden" could be replaced with "exacerbate fiscal pressures," which conveys the idea more precisely.
- How to improve: To refine vocabulary precision, carefully consider the nuanced meanings of words and select terms that precisely capture the intended message. Utilize synonyms or specific terminology relevant to the context to avoid ambiguity and enhance clarity. Additionally, employing transitional phrases or conjunctions can help to establish logical connections between ideas, ensuring coherence and precision in expression.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a high level of spelling accuracy, with few instances of errors observed. Examples such as "engender discernible disadvantages" and "adverse impact" demonstrate the writer’s proficiency in spelling complex terms accurately. However, there are a few minor spelling errors, such as "presumably causing" (should be "presumably, causing"), which do not significantly detract from overall comprehension but could be improved for greater precision.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider incorporating proofreading techniques such as reading the essay aloud or utilizing spell-check tools to identify and correct minor errors. Additionally, paying attention to word endings and ensuring consistency in spelling conventions (e.g., British or American English) can further improve spelling precision. Regular practice and exposure to written texts can also reinforce spelling proficiency over time.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the essay effectively employs compound sentences such as "On the one hand… benefits" and complex sentences like "Another inherent… health." However, there is a tendency towards simpler structures, which, while clear, may limit the essay’s sophistication.
- How to improve: To enhance the essay’s depth and complexity, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures such as subordinate clauses, appositives, and participial phrases. This can elevate the overall quality of the writing and demonstrate greater linguistic flexibility. For instance, instead of stating straightforward points, strive to vary sentence structures by embedding clauses or using phrases to provide additional information or emphasis.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, with few notable errors. However, there are instances where subject-verb agreement and article usage could be improved. For instance, in the sentence "This would improve public health," the use of the indefinite article "a" before "public health" is unnecessary. Additionally, there is a minor punctuation error in the phrase "the financial burden on the state," where a comma after "state" would enhance clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, review subject-verb agreement rules and ensure consistency throughout the essay. Additionally, pay attention to article usage, particularly when referring to abstract concepts such as "public health." Proofreading for punctuation errors can further improve clarity and readability. Consider utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers to identify and correct errors effectively.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary times, with the rising standard of living, people are paying more attention to their health. Some argue that healthcare should be seen as a duty for society rather than for personal benefits. However, I disagree with this statement.

On the one hand, there are certain advantages to considering health care as a societal responsibility rather than solely for personal gain. The primary advantage is that it could ensure equal access to healthcare for all individuals. This means striving for universal healthcare, which could potentially reduce disparities in medical services, addressing issues such as geographic and economic inequalities regardless of one’s socio-economic status. Additionally, this approach could lead to improvements in public health.

On the other hand, there are clear disadvantages to viewing healthcare as solely the responsibility of society rather than as a personal benefit. The first notable downside is the financial strain it could place on the state. Providing comprehensive healthcare can be quite costly, potentially leading to adverse effects on the country’s economic resources, straining government budgets, and possibly resulting in higher taxes. Secondly, this perspective may diminish personal responsibility. If individuals perceive health as solely society’s duty, they may be less motivated to engage in healthy behaviors, potentially leading to higher rates of lifestyle-related diseases.

In conclusion, while there are benefits to society considering healthcare as its duty, the drawbacks, particularly the strain on economic resources and reduced personal responsibility, are more significant. Therefore, I believe that individuals should continue to prioritize their health for personal well-being rather than solely as a societal obligation.