People should look after their health for personal benefits, rather than a duty for a society. What extent do you agree or disagree?

People should look after their health for personal benefits, rather than a duty for a society.
What extent do you agree or disagree?

it is believed that population should treat their health for personal benefits,rather than a responsibility for a community. In my opinion, the attention of health brings advantage both for individuals and their communities.
In personal level, maintain good heath towards place many benefits for personal.The first benefit, a healthy lifestyle could fuelled longevity and vitality people.This can be done by exercise activities and a balance diet might promote spiritual and emotional stability,therefore helping people work and pursue their passions with better rehabilitation ability. As a result,individuals has a fulfilled life.Another benefit that individuals could reduce healthcare costs by taking care of themselves.Individuals neglects to attentively their healthy life which can influenced many of their physical problems, therefore requires a rang of expenditure for healthcare service. Opposite, achieve and maintain good health could helping residents reduce the financial burden on themselves and their families.
I believed that the complexed relationship between individual happiness and social harmony should not be overlooked.The first explanation,public health is that a duty of collective.If a community lack of attention to the importance of exercise and diet to the maintenance of a healthy lifestyle,who can suffer from infectious disease.This situation can cause disease outbreaks nationwide, which not only a heavy load on medical system but also hinder the country’s development.Another explanation is that a high-quality workforce is one of the most significant determinants of a country development.If individuals inexperienced good physical and mental health, it can a cause a burden and hindrance to the businesses, leading to negative influence on economy growth and society stability. Therefore, enhance healthy lifestyle as one of the most important duty to promote a sustainable and prosperous community.
In conclusion, I contend that people take care their health brings benefit both individuals and their society, this could help their countries to achieve sustainable development.

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Errors and Improvements:

"it is believed that population should treat their health for personal benefits,rather than a responsibility for a community." -> "It is believed that individuals should prioritize their health for personal benefits, rather than solely as a communal responsibility."
Explanation: The original phrase lacks specificity and uses informal language ("population" instead of "individuals"). The improved version clarifies the subject and structure of the sentence, enhancing academic tone.
"In my opinion, the attention of health brings advantage both for individuals and their communities." -> "In my view, prioritizing health offers advantages for both individuals and their communities."
Explanation: "Attention of health" is an awkward phrase; "prioritizing health" is clearer and more precise. "Brings advantage" can be replaced with "offers advantages" for smoother academic style.
"In personal level, maintain good heath towards place many benefits for personal." -> "At the individual level, maintaining good health yields numerous personal benefits."
Explanation: "In personal level" is grammatically incorrect. "Towards place many benefits for personal" is unclear. Replacing with "At the individual level" and rephrasing improves clarity and formality.
"The first benefit, a healthy lifestyle could fuelled longevity and vitality people." -> "Firstly, a healthy lifestyle can foster longevity and vitality in individuals."
Explanation: The original sentence lacks coherence and uses awkward phrasing ("fuelled longevity and vitality people"). The revised version introduces the first benefit more clearly and uses proper grammar.
"This can be done by exercise activities and a balance diet might promote spiritual and emotional stability,therefore helping people work and pursue their passions with better rehabilitation ability." -> "This can be achieved through regular exercise and a balanced diet, which may promote spiritual and emotional stability, thereby enhancing individuals’ capacity to work and pursue their passions."
Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and contains grammatical errors. "Exercise activities" is vague and informal. "A balance diet" should be "a balanced diet." The revised version clarifies the methods for achieving good health and improves readability.
"As a result,individuals has a fulfilled life." -> "Consequently, individuals experience a more fulfilled life."
Explanation: "Has" should be "experience" for subject-verb agreement. The revised phrase is more grammatically correct and maintains academic tone.
"Another benefit that individuals could reduce healthcare costs by taking care of themselves." -> "Another benefit is that individuals can reduce healthcare costs by taking care of themselves."
Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and uses awkward phrasing. The revised version clarifies the benefit and improves readability.
"Individuals neglects to attentively their healthy life which can influenced many of their physical problems," -> "Individuals often neglect their health, which can exacerbate many physical problems."
Explanation: "Neglects to attentively their healthy life" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. The revised version simplifies the language and improves clarity.
"therefore requires a rang of expenditure for healthcare service." -> "thus requiring a range of expenditures for healthcare services."
Explanation: "Requires a rang of expenditure" is grammatically incorrect. The revised version corrects the grammar and improves clarity.
"Opposite, achieve and maintain good health could helping residents reduce the financial burden on themselves and their families." -> "Conversely, achieving and maintaining good health could help residents reduce the financial burden on themselves and their families."
Explanation: "Opposite" should be "conversely" for clarity and formal tone. "Could helping" should be "could help" for correct grammar. The revised version maintains coherence and academic style.
"I believed that the complexed relationship between individual happiness and social harmony should not be overlooked." -> "I believe that the intricate relationship between individual happiness and social harmony should not be overlooked."
Explanation: "I believed" should be "I believe" for correct tense. "Complexed" should be "intricate" for more precise language. The revised version improves clarity and maintains formal tone.
"The first explanation,public health is that a duty of collective." -> "The first explanation is that public health is a collective duty."
Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and uses awkward phrasing. The revised version simplifies the language and improves readability.
"If a community lack of attention to the importance of exercise and diet to the maintenance of a healthy lifestyle,who can suffer from infectious disease." -> "If a community lacks attention to the importance of exercise and diet in maintaining a healthy lifestyle, it can suffer from infectious diseases."
Explanation: The original sentence lacks subject-verb agreement and proper punctuation. "Who can suffer" should be "it can suffer." The revised version corrects these errors and improves clarity.
"This situation can cause disease outbreaks nationwide, which not only a heavy load on medical system but also hinder the country’s development." -> "Such situations can cause nationwide disease outbreaks, placing a heavy burden on the medical system and hindering the country’s development."
Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and contains grammatical errors. "Which not only a heavy load" should be "placing a heavy burden." The revised version improves clarity and maintains formal tone.
"Another explanation is that a high-quality workforce is one of the most significant determinants of a country development." -> "Another explanation is that a high-quality workforce is one of the most significant determinants of a country’s development."
Explanation: "Country development" should be "country’s development" for possessive form. The revised version corrects the error and maintains formal tone.
"If individuals inexperienced good physical and mental health, it can a cause a burden and hindrance to the businesses," -> "If individuals lack good physical and mental health, it can cause burdens and hindrances to businesses,"
Explanation: "Inexperienced good physical and mental health" is unclear and grammatically incorrect. "It can a cause" should be "it can cause." The revised version clarifies the meaning and improves grammar.
"Therefore, enhance healthy lifestyle as one of the most important duty to promote a sustainable and prosperous community." -> "Therefore, enhancing healthy lifestyles is one of the most important duties to promote a sustainable and prosperous community."
Explanation: "Enhance healthy lifestyle as one of the most important duty" is grammatically incorrect and lacks clarity. The revised version corrects the grammar and improves readability.
"In conclusion, I contend that people take care their health brings benefit both individuals and their society, this could help their countries to achieve sustainable development." -> "In conclusion, I contend that prioritizing health brings benefits to both individuals and society, which could help countries achieve sustainable development."
Explanation: "Take care their health" is grammatically incorrect. The structure of the sentence is awkward and lacks clarity. The revised version improves grammar and clarity while maintaining academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both aspects of the prompt. It discusses the benefits of looking after one’s health for personal reasons, such as longevity, vitality, emotional stability, and reduced healthcare costs. Furthermore, it acknowledges the societal impact of neglecting health, mentioning the risk of disease outbreaks and its implications for the healthcare system and economy.
- How to improve: While the essay does cover both perspectives, the introduction could be more explicit in stating the writer’s position on the issue. Providing a clear thesis statement outlining the extent of agreement or disagreement would enhance the essay’s coherence and guide the reader through the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that individuals should prioritize their health for personal benefits while also acknowledging the societal implications of neglecting health. However, the clarity of the stance could be strengthened by reinforcing the main argument throughout the body paragraphs.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph consistently supports the central argument, reinforcing the idea that personal health benefits are essential while also acknowledging the broader societal consequences.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth and development. While it mentions benefits of a healthy lifestyle and societal consequences of neglecting health, it lacks elaboration and concrete examples to support these points effectively.
- How to improve: Incorporate specific examples, statistics, or studies to bolster the arguments made in the essay. Providing real-world illustrations would enhance the persuasiveness and credibility of the essay’s claims.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but occasionally veers off track, particularly in the second body paragraph where the discussion shifts slightly to the importance of a high-quality workforce for a country’s development. While this is related to the broader theme of societal benefits, it detracts slightly from the central argument.
- How to improve: Maintain a tighter focus on the prompt by ensuring that all points directly contribute to supporting the main argument. Avoid tangential discussions that do not directly relate to the essay’s thesis.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively addresses both personal and societal aspects of health. To improve, the writer should focus on strengthening the clarity and coherence of their argument, providing more detailed support for their ideas, and maintaining a consistent focus on the central thesis throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a logical organization by presenting arguments in support of the thesis statement. However, there are instances where the flow of ideas could be smoother. For example, the transition between discussing personal benefits and societal responsibilities could be more seamless to enhance coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider employing transitional phrases to guide the reader through shifts in focus. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph contributes directly to the overall argument and that ideas are connected logically.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs to organize ideas, but the structure and effectiveness could be improved. Some paragraphs contain multiple points without clear delineation, leading to confusion. Furthermore, the conclusion paragraph is relatively brief and could be expanded to provide a stronger closure.
- How to improve: Focus on creating distinct paragraphs, each addressing a single main point or argument. Begin each paragraph with a topic sentence that clearly outlines its content. Additionally, expand the conclusion paragraph to summarize key arguments and reinforce the thesis statement.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes cohesive devices to some extent, such as transitional phrases ("In my opinion," "Another benefit," "I believe," "In conclusion"). However, there is limited variety, and some transitions could be smoother to improve coherence.
- How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used throughout the essay, including conjunctions, transitional adverbs, and pronouns. Ensure that transitions between ideas are seamless to guide the reader through the essay’s argument more effectively. Additionally, consider using cohesive devices within paragraphs to strengthen the internal coherence of each section.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempts to vary word choice and employ diverse expressions. For instance, phrases like "maintain good health," "exercise activities," "spiritual and emotional stability," and "financial burden" contribute to lexical diversity. However, there is room for improvement in expanding the vocabulary further, particularly in the use of more sophisticated synonyms and idiomatic expressions.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, consider incorporating advanced vocabulary and idiomatic phrases to convey ideas more precisely and eloquently. For example, instead of repeatedly using "good health," explore alternatives like "optimal well-being" or "robust health." Additionally, integrating idiomatic expressions relevant to the topic can add depth to the essay’s language.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with adequate precision, although there are instances of imprecise or repetitive language. For example, phrases like "maintain good health" and "achieve and maintain good health" could be more precisely replaced with terms like "sustain optimal health" or "preserve wellness." Furthermore, the essay occasionally lacks specificity in describing concepts related to health and societal duty.
- How to improve: To improve precision in vocabulary usage, strive to select words and phrases that precisely convey intended meanings. Avoid repetitive language and seek alternatives that offer greater clarity and specificity. Additionally, consider using terminology specific to healthcare and societal responsibilities to enhance the essay’s accuracy and depth of analysis.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a varied level of spelling accuracy. While many words are spelled correctly, there are notable instances of misspellings and typographical errors throughout the text. Examples include "heath" instead of "health," "rang" instead of "range," and "complexed" instead of "complex." These errors occasionally detract from the overall readability and professionalism of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider employing proofreading techniques such as spell-checking software and meticulous review of written work. Additionally, practice spelling commonly misspelled words and pay close attention to detail when composing essays. Developing a habit of revising and editing written pieces can significantly improve spelling proficiency over time.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. There is an attempt to vary sentence length and structure to convey ideas, though some structures are repetitive. For instance, there is a frequent use of simple sentences, which can make the writing appear somewhat simplistic. Additionally, while there are complex sentences present, they could be further diversified to enhance clarity and sophistication.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence patterns such as subordinate clauses, relative clauses, and participial phrases. This can add depth and complexity to your writing, improving its coherence and readability. Varying the length and structure of sentences will also make your writing more engaging and dynamic.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy, but there are several instances of grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes throughout the text. For example, there are errors in subject-verb agreement ("population should treat"), article usage ("a balance diet"), verb tense consistency ("has a fulfilled life"), and punctuation errors (missing commas, misuse of punctuation marks). While the overall meaning is generally clear, these errors can hinder the reader’s understanding and detract from the professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, consider revising your writing with a focus on identifying and correcting common errors. Review grammar rules related to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, article usage, and punctuation marks. Pay close attention to sentence structure and ensure that each sentence is grammatically correct and punctuated properly. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to identify and correct errors more effectively. Regular practice and attention to detail will help strengthen your grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills over time.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is believed that individuals should prioritize their health for personal benefits, rather than solely as a communal responsibility. In my view, prioritizing health offers advantages for both individuals and their communities.

At the individual level, maintaining good health yields numerous personal benefits. Firstly, a healthy lifestyle can foster longevity and vitality in individuals. This can be achieved through regular exercise and a balanced diet, which may promote spiritual and emotional stability, thereby enhancing individuals’ capacity to work and pursue their passions. Consequently, individuals experience a more fulfilled life. Another benefit is that individuals can reduce healthcare costs by taking care of themselves. Individuals often neglect their health, which can exacerbate many physical problems, thus requiring a range of expenditures for healthcare services. Conversely, achieving and maintaining good health could help residents reduce the financial burden on themselves and their families.

I believe that the intricate relationship between individual happiness and social harmony should not be overlooked. The first explanation is that public health is a collective duty. If a community lacks attention to the importance of exercise and diet in maintaining a healthy lifestyle, it can suffer from infectious diseases. Such situations can cause nationwide disease outbreaks, placing a heavy burden on the medical system and hindering the country’s development. Another explanation is that a high-quality workforce is one of the most significant determinants of a country’s development. If individuals lack good physical and mental health, it can cause burdens and hindrances to businesses. Therefore, enhancing healthy lifestyles is one of the most important duties to promote a sustainable and prosperous community.

In conclusion, I contend that prioritizing health brings benefits to both individuals and society, which could help countries achieve sustainable development.