Pop stars earn much more than classical music performers. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Pop stars earn much more than classical music performers.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is undeniable that pop stars tend to command significantly higher salaries than classical music performers. While the reasons behind this disparity are complex, I totally concur with this statement that pop music's accessibility and commercial appeal contribute to its greater financial success holds considerable weight. 

The first reason in favor of my agument is that pop music, with its catchy melodies, relatable lyrics, and widespread accessibility through streaming platforms and social medias, can possess a broader appeal than classical music. Besides that, this accessibility translates into larger audiences, increased record sales, and lucrative touring opportunities, all of which contribute to higher earnings for pop stars. In contrast, classical music tends to perceive as more complex and demanding, thus leading to small listener subjects or specialized audiences. Therefore, the lack of widespread commercial appeal and limited opportunities for mass consumption contribute to this disparity.

Another reason supporting my view is that the entertainment industry is likely to focus on commercial success and profitability instead of investing on speciality. Hence, record labels, streaming platforms, and media outlets prioritize artists who generate the most revenue, which often translates to pop stars with their established fan bases and widespread appeal. This focus on commercial viability inadvertently creates a system that favors pop music over classical music, further perpetuating the financial disparity between these genres.

In conclusion, I absolutely believe that acknowledging advantages of pop music can bring an avantage finacial for singers; however, classical music playsa vital role in contributing to moral lessons to younger generation, enriching human's lives, offering a unique and profound artistic experience; therefore, both genres hold immense values and deserve appreciations for their unique contributions to the world of music.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "It is undeniable" -> "It is evident"
   Explanation: "It is evident" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "It is undeniable," which can sound slightly colloquial and absolute.

2. "I totally concur with this statement" -> "I fully agree with this assertion"
   Explanation: "I fully agree with this assertion" is more formal and precise, replacing the colloquial "totally" and the vague "statement" with "assertion," which is more specific and academic.

3. "holds considerable weight" -> "carries significant weight"
   Explanation: "Carries significant weight" is a more formal expression commonly used in academic writing to indicate the importance of an argument or factor.

4. "my agument" -> "my argument"
   Explanation: Corrects a typographical error, ensuring the proper spelling of "argument."

5. "social medias" -> "social media"
   Explanation: Corrects the plural form to the singular "media" to match the singular noun "social."

6. "can possess a broader appeal" -> "may have a broader appeal"
   Explanation: "May have" is more tentative and academically appropriate than "can possess," which sounds overly formal and less natural in this context.

7. "Besides that" -> "Furthermore"
   Explanation: "Furthermore" is a more formal transitional phrase suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "Besides that."

8. "tends to perceive as" -> "is often perceived as"
   Explanation: "Is often perceived as" is grammatically correct and more formal, improving clarity and formality.

9. "small listener subjects" -> "smaller audience"
   Explanation: "Smaller audience" is the correct term, replacing the awkward and incorrect "listener subjects."

10. "investing on speciality" -> "investing in specialization"
    Explanation: "Investing in specialization" corrects the preposition and noun to match the formal and correct usage.

11. "acknowledging advantages of pop music can bring an avantage finacial" -> "acknowledging the advantages of pop music can bring financial advantages"
    Explanation: Corrects grammatical errors and clarifies the meaning by specifying "financial advantages" and using "acknowledging the advantages" for grammatical correctness.

12. "playsa vital role in contributing to moral lessons" -> "plays a vital role in imparting moral lessons"
    Explanation: Corrects the typographical error and uses "imparting" which is more precise and formal than "contributing" in this context.

13. "enriching human’s lives" -> "enriching people’s lives"
    Explanation: "People’s lives" is the correct possessive form, replacing the awkward and incorrect "human’s."

14. "deserve appreciations" -> "deserve appreciation"
    Explanation: "Deserve appreciation" is grammatically correct and more formal, replacing the plural form "appreciations" which is incorrect in this context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by agreeing with the statement that pop stars earn more than classical music performers. The writer discusses the reasons for this disparity, focusing on the accessibility and commercial appeal of pop music compared to classical music. The argument is well-supported with relevant examples, such as the impact of streaming platforms and the focus of the entertainment industry on profitability. However, the essay could have explored the counter-argument more thoroughly, discussing why classical musicians might earn less and the value they bring to the music industry.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could include a brief discussion on the economic challenges faced by classical musicians, such as funding for orchestras or the niche market for classical music. This would provide a more balanced view and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the complexities surrounding the issue.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The writer maintains a clear position throughout the essay, consistently supporting the idea that pop stars earn more due to their broader appeal. Phrases like "I totally concur" and "I absolutely believe" reinforce the writer’s agreement with the statement. However, the conclusion introduces a somewhat contradictory notion by suggesting that classical music has its own value, which could confuse the reader about the writer’s overall stance.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the writer should ensure that the conclusion aligns more closely with the main argument. They could rephrase the conclusion to emphasize that while classical music has intrinsic value, the focus of the essay is on the financial disparities, thus reinforcing the primary argument without introducing ambiguity.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports its ideas well, particularly in the first two body paragraphs. The writer effectively extends their arguments by explaining how pop music’s accessibility leads to larger audiences and higher earnings. The use of specific examples, such as streaming platforms and the entertainment industry’s focus on profitability, strengthens the argument. However, some points could benefit from further elaboration, particularly regarding the implications of the financial disparity on the music industry as a whole.
  • How to improve: To improve the depth of the argument, the writer could provide additional examples or statistics that illustrate the financial success of pop stars compared to classical musicians. Including specific instances of pop stars’ earnings or contrasting them with classical musicians’ earnings would enhance the persuasiveness of the argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the financial disparity between pop and classical music performers. However, the concluding remarks introduce a discussion about the moral and artistic value of classical music, which, while relevant, strays slightly from the main focus of the prompt. This could lead to a perception that the writer is diluting their argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all parts of the essay directly relate back to the financial aspects of the music industry. If discussing the value of classical music, it should be framed in a way that ties back to the financial implications, such as how this value is not reflected in earnings or market success. This would keep the essay tightly aligned with the prompt while still acknowledging the importance of classical music.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the disparity in earnings between pop stars and classical music performers. The introduction effectively states the writer’s position, and the body paragraphs provide reasons supporting this stance. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the broader appeal of pop music to the focus of the entertainment industry on commercial success feels abrupt. The ideas are generally well-structured, but the connections between them could be more explicitly articulated.
  • How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate back to the thesis statement. Additionally, incorporating transitional phrases such as "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Conversely," can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different points of discussion. Each paragraph addresses a distinct aspect of the argument, which aids in clarity. However, the second paragraph is somewhat lengthy and could benefit from being split into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on the appeal of pop music and the other on the commercial focus of the entertainment industry. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph contains a single main idea supported by relevant details. If a paragraph begins to cover multiple ideas, consider breaking it into smaller paragraphs. This not only enhances readability but also allows for a more thorough examination of each point.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "besides that" and "in contrast," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some phrases are used repetitively, which can detract from the overall coherence. For example, "this disparity" is referenced multiple times without variation, which can make the writing feel repetitive.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeating "this disparity," you could use "this difference," "this gap," or "this inequality." Additionally, using more advanced cohesive devices such as "not only… but also," "on the one hand… on the other hand," or "as a result" can enhance the sophistication of the writing and improve coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, focusing on improving logical flow, refining paragraph structure, and expanding the range of cohesive devices will enhance the coherence and cohesion of the writing, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "command," "disparity," "accessibility," and "lucrative." However, the use of phrases like "totally concur" and "small listener subjects" indicates a limited variety in expression. The phrase "small listener subjects" is particularly awkward and does not convey the intended meaning clearly.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should explore synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of "totally concur," they might use "strongly agree" or "firmly believe." Additionally, replacing "small listener subjects" with "niche audiences" or "limited audience" would improve clarity and precision.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While some vocabulary is used correctly, there are instances of imprecise usage that detract from the overall clarity. For example, "perceive as more complex" should be "perceived as more complex," and "avantage finacial" is a misspelling that also lacks clarity. The phrase "contributing to moral lessons to younger generation" is also vague and could be articulated more clearly.
  • How to improve: Writers should focus on ensuring that their vocabulary accurately conveys their intended meaning. They can achieve this by reviewing their sentences for grammatical accuracy and clarity. For instance, revising "contributing to moral lessons to younger generation" to "providing moral lessons for the younger generation" would enhance precision.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "agument" instead of "argument," "avantage" instead of "advantage," and "playa" instead of "plays." These errors can hinder the reader’s understanding and detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy. This could include reading the essay aloud to catch errors, using spell-check tools, or writing drafts and revising them after a break to gain a fresh perspective. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can be beneficial.

By addressing these areas—expanding vocabulary range, ensuring precise usage, and improving spelling accuracy—the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Lexical Resource for future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the opening sentence effectively uses a complex structure: "While the reasons behind this disparity are complex, I totally concur with this statement that pop music’s accessibility and commercial appeal contribute to its greater financial success holds considerable weight." However, there are instances where sentence structures could be further diversified. For example, the phrase "the lack of widespread commercial appeal and limited opportunities for mass consumption contribute to this disparity" could be restructured for greater impact.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that utilize subordinate clauses and varied conjunctions. Additionally, using introductory phrases or clauses can add complexity. For example, instead of starting with "Another reason supporting my view is that," the writer could begin with "In addition to this," followed by a more complex structure to create a smoother flow.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For example, "this statement that pop music’s accessibility and commercial appeal contribute to its greater financial success holds considerable weight" is awkwardly constructed and could be clearer if rephrased. Additionally, the phrase "perceive as more complex and demanding" should be corrected to "is perceived as more complex and demanding." Punctuation errors, such as missing commas in complex sentences, also affect readability. For instance, "hence, record labels, streaming platforms, and media outlets prioritize artists who generate the most revenue" could benefit from a clearer separation of ideas.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of passive voice. Regular practice with grammar exercises focusing on common errors can be beneficial. For punctuation, the writer should review rules regarding comma usage, particularly in complex sentences and lists. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrasing and punctuation errors, allowing for revisions that enhance clarity and coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, addressing these areas of grammatical range and accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is undeniable that pop stars tend to command significantly higher salaries than classical music performers. While the reasons behind this disparity are complex, I fully agree with this assertion that pop music’s accessibility and commercial appeal contribute to its greater financial success, which carries significant weight.

The first reason in favor of my argument is that pop music, with its catchy melodies, relatable lyrics, and widespread accessibility through streaming platforms and social media, may have a broader appeal than classical music. Furthermore, this accessibility translates into larger audiences, increased record sales, and lucrative touring opportunities, all of which contribute to higher earnings for pop stars. In contrast, classical music is often perceived as more complex and demanding, thus leading to a smaller audience or specialized listeners. Therefore, the lack of widespread commercial appeal and limited opportunities for mass consumption contribute to this disparity.

Another reason supporting my view is that the entertainment industry is likely to focus on commercial success and profitability instead of investing in specialization. Hence, record labels, streaming platforms, and media outlets prioritize artists who generate the most revenue, which often translates to pop stars with their established fan bases and widespread appeal. This focus on commercial viability inadvertently creates a system that favors pop music over classical music, further perpetuating the financial disparity between these genres.

In conclusion, I absolutely believe that acknowledging the advantages of pop music can bring financial benefits for singers; however, classical music plays a vital role in imparting moral lessons to the younger generation, enriching people’s lives, and offering a unique and profound artistic experience. Therefore, both genres hold immense value and deserve appreciation for their unique contributions to the world of music.