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Putting criminals into prisons is not effective to deal with them. Instead, education and job training should be offered. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Putting criminals into prisons is not effective to deal with them. Instead, education and job training should be offered. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is a common belief that sending criminals to prison is not an effective way to deal with them. However, I firmly believe that education and training are better for offenders rehabilitating with the community.
On top of that, the vital reason why education is a more effective solution is giving new changes to those criminals to start their lives over by providing education and job opportunities. This does not only gives rise to solve unemployment problem, but it also help criminals are fully aware of serious repercussions of breaching of law, especially lesser extent crime such as pickpocket. This is because there are external factors that affect to the offenders' activities, taking juvenile wrongdoers as a vivid example, young criminals break the law because of extraneous motivation, even by their acquaintances, and also because of lack of comprehensive. As a results, instead of sentencing law offenders to the jail, they should be educated to be law-abiding citizens.
Not only that, but the toxic environment in prisons unexpectedly affects those offender's psychos. To make it clear, when contacting serious crime levels such as serial killers, the criminals who have lesser crime levels have negative influences. Therefore, high risk of reoffending while reintegrating into release commit more serious crime.
In conclusion, offenders should be helped to rehabilitate with the community by giving them more opportunities to restart instead of imprisonment. I support this idea because education and job training is a good way to renovate criminals and reduce social vices.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "It is a common belief" -> "It is widely acknowledged"
    Explanation: "It is widely acknowledged" is a more formal and precise phrase that enhances the academic tone of the statement, indicating a broader consensus among experts or scholars.

  2. "sending criminals to prison is not an effective way to deal with them" -> "incarcerating criminals is ineffective"
    Explanation: "Incarcerating criminals is ineffective" simplifies and clarifies the original phrase, making it more direct and suitable for academic writing.

  3. "education and training are better for offenders rehabilitating with the community" -> "education and training are more effective in rehabilitating offenders within the community"
    Explanation: This revision clarifies the preposition and verb usage, making the sentence grammatically correct and more formal.

  4. "On top of that" -> "Furthermore"
    Explanation: "Furthermore" is a more formal transitional phrase suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "On top of that."

  5. "giving new changes to those criminals to start their lives over" -> "providing new opportunities for offenders to restart their lives"
    Explanation: "Providing new opportunities for offenders to restart their lives" is more precise and formal, avoiding the awkward and unclear original phrasing.

  6. "This does not only gives rise to solve unemployment problem" -> "This not only addresses the unemployment issue"
    Explanation: "This not only addresses the unemployment issue" corrects the grammatical error and uses more formal language.

  7. "but it also help criminals are fully aware" -> "but also helps criminals become fully aware"
    Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error and improves the flow by using the correct verb form "helps" and "become."

  8. "serious repercussions of breaching of law" -> "serious consequences of lawbreaking"
    Explanation: "Consequences of lawbreaking" is a more concise and formal expression than "repercussions of breaching of law."

  9. "especially lesser extent crime such as pickpocket" -> "especially less serious crimes such as pickpocketing"
    Explanation: "Less serious crimes such as pickpocketing" corrects the grammatical error and uses a more precise term.

  10. "taking juvenile wrongdoers as a vivid example" -> "using juvenile offenders as an example"
    Explanation: "Using juvenile offenders as an example" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial "taking as a vivid example."

  11. "lack of comprehensive" -> "lack of comprehensive support"
    Explanation: "Lack of comprehensive support" clarifies the meaning and is more specific, enhancing the academic tone.

  12. "As a results" -> "As a result"
    Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error to "As a result."

  13. "the toxic environment in prisons unexpectedly affects those offender’s psychos" -> "the toxic prison environment unexpectedly affects the offenders’ psyches"
    Explanation: Corrects the possessive form and replaces "psychos" with "psyches" for accuracy and formality.

  14. "high risk of reoffending while reintegrating into release commit more serious crime" -> "high risk of reoffending upon release, leading to more serious crimes"
    Explanation: This revision clarifies the sentence structure and removes the awkward and unclear original phrasing.

  15. "offenders should be helped to rehabilitate with the community" -> "offenders should be assisted in rehabilitating within the community"
    Explanation: "Assisted in rehabilitating within the community" is more formal and precise, improving the academic tone.

  16. "education and job training is a good way to renovate criminals" -> "education and job training is an effective method for rehabilitating criminals"
    Explanation: "An effective method for rehabilitating criminals" replaces the informal "good way to renovate" with a more precise and formal expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by arguing that education and job training are more effective than imprisonment for dealing with criminals. However, it does not fully explore the extent to which the author agrees or disagrees with the statement. The essay lacks a clear indication of the author’s position, as it states "I firmly believe" but does not elaborate on the extent of agreement or disagreement. Additionally, the argument could benefit from addressing potential counterarguments or acknowledging the role of imprisonment in certain cases.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should explicitly state their position on the extent of agreement or disagreement in the introduction. Including a brief overview of both sides of the argument before presenting a clear stance would provide a more balanced perspective. Additionally, the author could consider discussing scenarios where imprisonment might be necessary, thereby addressing all parts of the question more comprehensively.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a general position favoring education and job training over imprisonment. However, the clarity of this position is undermined by vague language and a lack of consistent reinforcement throughout the essay. For instance, phrases like "I firmly believe" are not followed by strong, clear arguments that consistently support this belief. The conclusion reiterates the main idea but does not reinforce the specific stance taken in the body paragraphs.
    • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the author should use more definitive language and ensure that each paragraph directly supports the main argument. The author could also include transitional phrases that link back to the main argument, reinforcing the position throughout the essay.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas regarding the benefits of education and job training, such as reducing unemployment and addressing the negative influences of prison environments. However, these ideas are not fully developed or supported with sufficient evidence. For example, the mention of juvenile offenders lacks specific examples or data that could strengthen the argument. Additionally, the reasoning behind the assertion that education leads to law-abiding behavior is not adequately explained.
    • How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the author should provide more detailed explanations and examples for each point made. Incorporating statistics, studies, or real-life examples would add credibility to the arguments. Each paragraph should ideally start with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea, followed by supporting details that elaborate on that idea.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the effectiveness of education and job training compared to imprisonment. However, there are moments where the argument becomes convoluted, particularly in the discussion of the "toxic environment in prisons." This point, while relevant, is not clearly connected to the main argument about rehabilitation through education and can distract from the central focus.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the main argument of the essay. It may be helpful to outline the main points before writing to ensure that each paragraph contributes to the overall argument. Additionally, the author should avoid introducing new ideas that do not directly support the thesis, as this can lead to confusion and weaken the overall coherence of the essay.

In summary, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the author should clearly state their position regarding the prompt, develop and support their ideas with concrete examples, and ensure that all content remains relevant to the topic. Addressing these areas will lead to a more coherent and compelling argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance on the topic, arguing that education and job training are more effective than imprisonment for rehabilitating offenders. The introduction sets the context well, and the main body paragraphs attempt to build on this argument. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the benefits of education to the negative influences of prison environments lacks a clear connection, which can confuse readers about how these points relate to the central argument.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate to the thesis statement. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next by using transitional phrases that connect ideas. For example, after discussing education, you could introduce the prison environment with a phrase like "In contrast to educational opportunities, the prison environment can exacerbate criminal behavior."
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is a strength. However, some paragraphs are overly long and contain multiple ideas that could be better articulated in separate paragraphs. For instance, the second paragraph discusses both the benefits of education and the external factors influencing criminal behavior, which could be split into two distinct paragraphs for clarity.
    • How to improve: Aim for a more structured approach by ensuring each paragraph contains a single main idea supported by relevant examples. This will not only improve readability but also strengthen the argument. For example, one paragraph could focus solely on the importance of education and job training, while another could discuss the negative impacts of the prison environment.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On top of that" and "Not only that," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some phrases are used repetitively. For example, the phrase "to make it clear" appears to introduce an explanation but does not effectively link to the preceding sentence.
    • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices by incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "not only… but also," consider alternatives like "furthermore," "in addition," or "moreover." Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately to enhance clarity. For example, instead of "to make it clear," you could use "This illustrates that…" to provide a clearer connection to the previous point.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately enhancing the overall effectiveness of the argument presented.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "rehabilitating," "unemployment problem," and "law-abiding citizens" indicating an attempt to use varied language. However, the vocabulary choices are occasionally repetitive and lack sophistication. For instance, the phrase "giving new changes" is awkward and could be expressed more fluidly. Additionally, terms like "toxic environment" and "negative influences" are somewhat clichéd and do not showcase a higher level of lexical variety.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should explore synonyms and more nuanced expressions. For example, instead of "giving new changes," consider using "offering new opportunities" or "providing a fresh start." Incorporating more advanced vocabulary related to criminal justice and rehabilitation, such as "recidivism," "reintegration," or "rehabilitative programs," would also strengthen the essay.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that detract from the clarity of the argument. For example, the phrase "help criminals are fully aware" is grammatically incorrect and confusing. Additionally, "breaching of law" should be "breach of the law," and "lesser extent crime" could be better articulated as "less serious crimes." The use of "psychos" to describe offenders is overly informal and could be perceived as derogatory.
    • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and appropriate word forms. Revising phrases for clarity is essential; for instance, "help criminals become fully aware" would be a more precise construction. Additionally, avoiding informal language and ensuring that terms are used in their correct context will enhance the overall quality of the writing.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "as a results" (should be "as a result") and "offender’s psychos" (should be "offenders’ psychology" or "psychological state"). These errors can disrupt the flow of reading and detract from the professionalism of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading and utilize tools such as spell checkers. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises and reviewing commonly misspelled words can be beneficial. Reading more academic texts can also help reinforce correct spelling and familiarize the writer with standard conventions.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of lexical resource, there is significant room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their overall score in the Lexical Resource criterion for IELTS Task 2.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. For instance, the writer uses complex sentences such as "This does not only gives rise to solve unemployment problem, but it also help criminals are fully aware of serious repercussions of breaching of law." However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and grammatical errors that detract from the overall effectiveness. The sentence structure tends to be somewhat repetitive, with many sentences starting similarly or following a predictable pattern.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex and compound sentences. For example, using subordinate clauses effectively can add depth. Instead of saying "the vital reason why education is a more effective solution is giving new changes," the writer could say, "One vital reason education is a more effective solution is that it provides criminals with new opportunities to change their lives." Additionally, varying the sentence openings and using transitional phrases can help create a more engaging flow.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors. For example, "This does not only gives rise to solve unemployment problem" should be corrected to "This not only gives rise to solving the unemployment problem." The phrase "help criminals are fully aware" is incorrect and should be revised to "helps criminals become fully aware." There are also issues with subject-verb agreement and article usage, such as "the toxic environment in prisons unexpectedly affects those offender’s psychos," which should be "the toxic environment in prisons unexpectedly affects those offenders’ psychology." Punctuation is generally used correctly, but there are instances where commas could enhance clarity.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focused on common errors, can be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading the essay for grammatical mistakes before submission can help catch errors. The writer could also benefit from studying sentence structure rules to ensure clarity and correctness, particularly in complex sentences.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument and some relevant points, addressing the identified weaknesses in grammatical range and accuracy will significantly enhance the overall quality and coherence of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely acknowledged that sending criminals to prison is not an effective way to deal with them. However, I firmly believe that education and job training are more effective in rehabilitating offenders within the community.

Furthermore, a vital reason why education is a more effective solution is that it provides new opportunities for those criminals to restart their lives by offering education and job prospects. This not only addresses the unemployment issue but also helps criminals become fully aware of the serious consequences of lawbreaking, especially in the case of less serious crimes such as pickpocketing. This is because there are external factors that influence offenders’ activities. Using juvenile offenders as an example, young criminals often break the law due to extraneous motivations, such as peer pressure, and also due to a lack of comprehensive support. As a result, instead of sentencing law offenders to prison, they should be educated to become law-abiding citizens.

Not only that, but the toxic prison environment unexpectedly affects the offenders’ psyches. To clarify, when exposed to serious crime levels, such as those committed by serial killers, criminals who have committed lesser offenses can be negatively influenced. Therefore, there is a high risk of reoffending upon release, which can lead to more serious crimes.

In conclusion, offenders should be assisted in rehabilitating within the community by providing them with more opportunities to restart their lives instead of resorting to imprisonment. I support this idea because education and job training are effective methods for rehabilitating criminals and reducing social vices.

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