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Question: Some people think that schools should invest more money in technology, such as more computers, while others think more money should be spent on teachers. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

Question: Some people think that schools should invest more money in
technology, such as more computers, while others think more money should be
spent on teachers. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

It is assumed that school budget should expend on technology sector including computers while others think that investing in teachers is more rewarding. I partly agree with the former.
on the one hand, there are two main reasons why schools will invest more money in teacher. The first one is that teachers play an important role in building a team of high-quality education. they convey their knowledge in a suitable way for their students. Vietnam is a telling example. A school having excellent teachers attracts many input students. Therefore, the quality of teaching sector decides mainly in ranking schools quality. Secondly, teacher is not only a educator but also a friend, a companion of students. Student can confide life issues such as academic pressure and sibling rivalry with their teacher, which technology can not do it.
on the other hand, technology can bring many benefits for training students. Investing in technology helps to enhance student's creativity and cognition. Student can get access to the content of a lesson in a more interesting and efficient way by modern equipment including computers, laboratories ,robots and 3D models. For example, Europe education system focuses on technology so that students' hands-on skill is overwhelming terrific. Besides, technology provides students a huge amount of knowledge. Students can find any information on internet within a few seconds.It's so convenient and accurate.
In conclusion, the importance of between technology and teacher is parallel. The support of them is crucial for ensuring the holistic development of students.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "school budget should expend on technology sector" -> "school budget should be allocated to the technology sector"
    Explanation: Replacing "expend" with "be allocated to" and using "technology sector" instead of just "technology" improves precision and aligns with formal language.

  2. "I partly agree with the former." -> "I partially agree with the former perspective."
    Explanation: The use of "partially" instead of "partly" enhances formality, and replacing "I partly agree" with "I partially agree with the former perspective" provides clarity and specificity.

  3. "there are two main reasons why schools will invest more money in teacher." -> "there are two primary reasons why schools would invest more money in teachers."
    Explanation: Changing "main" to "primary" and "teacher" to "teachers" improves the formality and accuracy of the statement.

  4. "Vietnam is a telling example." -> "Vietnam serves as a illustrative example."
    Explanation: Replacing "telling" with "illustrative" and adjusting the sentence structure enhances the academic tone and clarity.

  5. "A school having excellent teachers attracts many input students." -> "A school with excellent teachers attracts a significant number of prospective students."
    Explanation: Using "with" instead of "having," and rephrasing "input students" to "prospective students," makes the sentence more formal and grammatically correct.

  6. "the quality of teaching sector decides mainly in ranking schools quality." -> "the quality of the teaching sector primarily determines the ranking of schools."
    Explanation: Rearranging the sentence for better structure and using "primarily" instead of "mainly" improves clarity and formality.

  7. "teacher is not only a educator but also a friend, a companion of students." -> "a teacher is not only an educator but also a friend and companion to students."
    Explanation: Adjusting the structure and using "an" before "educator" improves grammatical correctness and formality.

  8. "Student can confide life issues" -> "Students can confide in their teachers about life issues."
    Explanation: Making "student" plural and rephrasing the sentence for clarity and correctness enhances the academic tone.

  9. "technology can bring many benefits for training students." -> "technology can offer numerous advantages for educating students."
    Explanation: Substituting "training" with "educating" and using "numerous advantages" instead of "many benefits" aligns better with formal language.

  10. "Investing in technology helps to enhance student’s creativity and cognition." -> "Investing in technology contributes to enhancing students’ creativity and cognition."
    Explanation: Adjusting the structure, using the plural form of "students," and adding "contributes to" improves grammatical correctness and formality.

  11. "Student can get access to the content of a lesson" -> "Students can access the content of a lesson"
    Explanation: Making "student" plural and removing unnecessary words for conciseness and clarity.

  12. "Europe education system" -> "European education system"
    Explanation: Correcting the adjective form to "European" improves accuracy and formality.

  13. "students’ hands-on skill is overwhelming terrific." -> "students’ hands-on skills are remarkably impressive."
    Explanation: Correcting the subject-verb agreement and replacing "overwhelming terrific" with "remarkably impressive" enhances formality and precision.

  14. "It’s so convenient and accurate." -> "This approach is convenient and precise."
    Explanation: Replacing the informal contraction "It’s" with "This approach is" and using "precise" instead of "accurate" improves formality and specificity.

  15. "The importance of between technology and teacher is parallel." -> "The importance of both technology and teachers is parallel."
    Explanation: Adding "both," adjusting the structure, and using the plural form of "teacher" improves grammatical correctness and clarity.

  16. "The support of them is crucial" -> "The support from both is crucial."
    Explanation: Replacing "of them" with "from both" enhances formality and clarity in the sentence.

  17. "ensuring the holistic development of students." -> "ensuring the holistic development of students."
    Explanation: No change needed; the phrase is already correct.

Note: These improvements focus on enhancing formality, clarity, and grammatical correctness while maintaining a natural language flow.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both aspects of the prompt—investing in technology and investing in teachers. It provides reasons supporting both sides and concludes with a balanced opinion.
    • How to improve: While the essay covers both sides adequately, it could benefit from a more detailed exploration of the opposing view. Providing more nuanced arguments for the opposing stance would strengthen the essay.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position by expressing partial agreement with investing in technology. This stance is evident throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To further enhance clarity, consider explicitly stating the partial agreement in the introduction to guide the reader. Additionally, reinforce the chosen stance in the conclusion.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas on both investing in teachers and technology. However, some ideas lack development and examples, making the argument less compelling.
    • How to improve: Extend each idea with specific examples and elaborate on the impact of investing in teachers and technology. This will add depth and credibility to the essay.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the allocation of school budgets to technology and teachers. However, there are instances of unclear expression.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each point made is directly related to the prompt. Clarify ambiguous statements and focus on the direct relevance of examples to the topic.

Overall Feedback:

This essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt, maintaining a coherent argument throughout. To improve, focus on providing more nuanced arguments for the opposing view, strengthening examples, and ensuring absolute clarity in expression. Additionally, reinforcing the chosen stance in the conclusion will enhance the overall cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a somewhat logical organization by presenting arguments for both sides before expressing a partial agreement with the idea of investing more in technology. However, the ideas within each side’s argument lack clear sequencing. For instance, the second paragraph discusses reasons to invest in teachers, but the points are not developed in a structured manner, leading to a somewhat disjointed flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider presenting each main point in a clear and structured manner. Begin with a topic sentence, provide supporting details, and conclude each paragraph with a transition to the next idea. This will create a smoother flow and make it easier for the reader to follow the essay’s progression.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but the structure within them could be more effective. Paragraphs should focus on one main idea, but some paragraphs in the essay cover multiple points, contributing to a lack of clarity. For example, the second paragraph addresses both the importance of teachers in education quality and their role as friends to students.
    • How to improve: Aim for a more focused approach in each paragraph. Clearly introduce the main idea in the topic sentence and develop it throughout the paragraph. If there are multiple points related to the same idea, consider separating them into distinct paragraphs for better clarity and organization.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay does use some cohesive devices, such as transition words ("on the one hand," "on the other hand," "in conclusion"). However, there is room for improvement in the variety and effectiveness of these devices. Some transitions lack precision, impacting the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporating a range of transition words and phrases to create a more sophisticated and connected flow. Ensure that transitions not only signal a shift in ideas but also establish logical connections between sentences and paragraphs. This will enhance the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary. However, there is room for improvement as some words are repeated (e.g., "invest" is used multiple times). There is an attempt to use varied vocabulary, such as "cognition," "terrific," and "holistic development," but it lacks consistency throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, try incorporating more synonyms and explore different expressions to convey ideas. Use specific terminology related to education and technology where appropriate. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "invest," consider alternatives like allocate, dedicate, or channel funds.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The usage of vocabulary is generally clear, but some instances could benefit from more precision. For example, the phrase "the quality of teaching sector decides mainly in ranking schools quality" is somewhat unclear and could be refined for better precision.
    • How to improve: Aim for clarity and precision in your language. In the mentioned instance, consider rephrasing for better clarity, such as "the quality of teaching significantly influences the ranking of schools." Be mindful of the specific meanings of words to ensure they precisely convey your intended message.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "expend" instead of "spend," "input" instead of "incoming," and "between" instead of "balance." These errors impact the overall impression of language proficiency.
    • How to improve: Proofread your essay carefully to catch spelling errors. Additionally, consider using spell-check tools to identify and correct spelling mistakes. Developing a habit of reviewing your writing for accuracy will contribute to improved spelling skills. Focus on commonly misspelled words and practice their correct usage.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of lexical resource, refining vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will contribute to a more polished and higher-scoring essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate range of sentence structures. Simple and compound sentences are used predominantly, with some complex structures. For instance, the sentence "The first one is that teachers play an important role in building a team of high-quality education" is a complex structure. However, there is room for improvement in the variety of structures to add sophistication to the writing. Consider incorporating more complex sentences and varying sentence lengths for a smoother flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, try incorporating complex sentences with subordination and coordination. For example, use relative clauses, conditional sentences, or inverted sentence structures. Additionally, pay attention to sentence length, aiming for a balance between shorter and longer sentences for better rhythm and engagement.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair level of grammatical accuracy, but there are instances of errors that slightly affect clarity. For example, the sentence "It is assumed that school budget should expend on technology sector including computers" contains a grammatical error. The correct form would be "It is assumed that the school budget should be expended on the technology sector, including computers." Additionally, there are minor punctuation errors, such as missing commas in some places.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, review sentence structures for subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and word order. Pay careful attention to articles and prepositions. For punctuation, ensure proper comma usage for clarity and readability. Consider revising sentences for better precision and cohesion. Proofread your work thoroughly to catch and correct such errors before submission.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is commonly believed that school budgets should be allocated to the technology sector, including computers, while others argue that investing in teachers is more beneficial. I partially agree with the former perspective.

On one hand, there are two primary reasons why schools would invest more money in teachers. Firstly, teachers play a crucial role in fostering a high-quality educational environment by effectively imparting knowledge to their students. Vietnam serves as an illustrative example, where a school with excellent teachers attracts a significant number of prospective students. Therefore, the quality of the teaching sector primarily determines the ranking of schools. Secondly, a teacher is not only an educator but also a friend and companion to students. Students can confide in their teachers about life issues, such as academic pressure and sibling rivalry, which technology cannot address.

On the other hand, technology can offer numerous advantages for educating students. Investing in technology contributes to enhancing students’ creativity and cognition. Students can access the content of a lesson in a more interesting and efficient way through modern equipment, including computers, laboratories, robots, and 3D models. For example, the European education system places a strong emphasis on technology, and as a result, students’ hands-on skills are remarkably impressive. Additionally, technology provides students with a vast amount of knowledge, allowing them to find information on the internet within seconds. This approach is convenient and precise.

In conclusion, the importance of both technology and teachers is parallel. The support from both is crucial for ensuring the holistic development of students.

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