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Rich countries often give money to poorer countries, but it does not solve poverty. Therefore, developed countries should give other types of help to the poor countries rather than financial aid. To what extent do you agree or disagree? You should write at least 250 words.

Rich countries often give money to poorer countries, but it does not solve poverty. Therefore, developed countries should give other types of help to the poor countries rather than financial aid. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

You should write at least 250 words.

Developed countries are helping the poorer countries by supplying them with finance, but it turns out to be ineffective. For that reason, I strongly agree with the solution that the wealthier should change their ways of support more than keeping the old one.

Rich countries giving money to poorer countries is a work that should be praised enthusiastically, but we should all realize that money can only solve temporary problems including foods, transportation, medical supplies,etc. However, they are just short-term solutions. What we are turning to is to resolve the root of problem because if we can not solve it, the poot countries's conciousness and mindset will not only remain unchanged, but also have a high proportion of founding a bad habit of dependence on the financial resources provided by developed countries. Consequently, the issue of poverty will never be solved if the reality is not changed.

Therefore, it is now vital to seek for a fully revolutionary solution to change the situation. Our first goal is to lower the unemployment to unprecedented rate. And these are some ways that may have a considerable impact on the problem. First, we need to change the way of operating the countries in economy and politics by changing the government's thinking. Only when the government can wipe out the thinking of receiving sponsors from other countries will they find another more effective way. Second, we can change the type of manufacture by applying technology. To illustrate, we can use the machine to work on the field insteald of the pull of animals or humans in order to increase the productivity of work. Finally, we can utilize technology to boost the recruitment oppoturnities. Thereby improve the economy.

In conclusion, rich countries should change their type of help to poorer countries. And I strongly believe that these ways will help the poor removed poverty gradually and innovate much easier.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "poorer countries" -> "less affluent nations"
    Explanation: Replacing "poorer countries" with "less affluent nations" is a more formal and less pejorative term, maintaining a respectful tone in discussing economic disparities.

  2. "turns out to be" -> "proves"
    Explanation: Substituting "turns out to be" with "proves" adds precision and formality to the statement, aligning with academic language standards.

  3. "For that reason" -> "Hence"
    Explanation: Replacing "For that reason" with "Hence" enhances the transition between sentences and contributes to a more sophisticated writing style.

  4. "we should all realize" -> "it is imperative to recognize"
    Explanation: Replacing "we should all realize" with "it is imperative to recognize" introduces a more formal tone and emphasizes the importance of awareness.

  5. "foods, transportation, medical supplies, etc." -> "necessities such as food, transportation, and medical supplies"
    Explanation: Expanding the list and using more specific terms, such as "necessities such as food, transportation, and medical supplies," improves clarity and formality.

  6. "root of problem" -> "root cause of the problem"
    Explanation: Adding "cause" after "root of" creates a more precise and academically appropriate phrase, "root cause of the problem."

  7. "poot countries’s" -> "less affluent nations’"
    Explanation: Correcting the possessive form to "less affluent nations’" ensures grammatical accuracy.

  8. "conciousness" -> "consciousness"
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling to "consciousness" ensures accuracy and maintains a formal writing style.

  9. "founding a bad habit" -> "developing a detrimental habit"
    Explanation: Substituting "founding" with "developing" and "bad" with "detrimental" results in a more refined expression.

  10. "Therefore, it is now vital to seek for" -> "Hence, it is imperative to seek"
    Explanation: Replacing "Therefore, it is now vital to seek for" with "Hence, it is imperative to seek" improves the flow and formality of the sentence.

  11. "unprecedented rate" -> "unprecedented levels"
    Explanation: Changing "unprecedented rate" to "unprecedented levels" is more precise and aligns better with the context of lowering unemployment.

  12. "wipe out the thinking" -> "eliminate the mindset"
    Explanation: Substituting "wipe out the thinking" with "eliminate the mindset" provides a more nuanced and formal expression.

  13. "pull of animals or humans" -> "manual labor of animals or humans"
    Explanation: Replacing "pull of animals or humans" with "manual labor of animals or humans" adds specificity and clarity to the sentence.

  14. "recruitment oppoturnities" -> "employment opportunities"
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling to "employment opportunities" ensures accuracy and maintains a formal tone.

  15. "removed poverty gradually" -> "gradually alleviate poverty"
    Explanation: Substituting "removed poverty gradually" with "gradually alleviate poverty" is a more precise and formal way of expressing the idea.

  16. "innovate much easier" -> "facilitate innovation more effectively"
    Explanation: Changing "innovate much easier" to "facilitate innovation more effectively" introduces a more sophisticated and precise phrase.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay successfully addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the current method of financial aid, criticizes its effectiveness, and strongly agrees with the need for a change in support methods.
    • How to improve: The essay could provide more specific examples or evidence to support its argument. For instance, citing real-life examples of countries that have successfully transitioned from financial aid to alternative forms of support would strengthen the response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout. It unequivocally supports the idea that richer countries should change their methods of support to address the root causes of poverty.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay could explicitly state the main points of each paragraph in the introduction to give the reader a roadmap of the argument.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas clearly, elaborating on the shortcomings of financial aid and proposing alternative solutions. Specific examples, such as the use of technology to boost recruitment opportunities, contribute to the development of ideas.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the essay, it could provide more depth in the discussion of the proposed solutions. Providing more detailed explanations or examples for each suggested solution would strengthen the argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the limitations of financial aid and proposing alternative solutions. However, there is a slight deviation in the conclusion where the essay briefly mentions innovation without explicitly connecting it to the topic.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should tie the idea of innovation back to the central theme of changing the type of support. This can be achieved by emphasizing how innovation is integral to addressing the root causes of poverty.

Overall Comments:
The essay effectively addresses the prompt, demonstrating a strong understanding of the issues related to financial aid and poverty. The response is well-structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs presenting coherent ideas, and a solid conclusion. To improve, the essay could benefit from more specific examples and deeper elaboration on proposed solutions. Additionally, ensuring that all points made in the essay explicitly connect back to the central theme will enhance the overall coherence and focus of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear organization of information. It follows a conventional introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion structure. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, progressing logically from the idea that financial aid is ineffective to proposing alternative solutions. The progression is easy to follow.
    • How to improve: While the organization is generally effective, enhancing the transitions between paragraphs could further improve coherence. Consider using explicit transition sentences to guide the reader from one idea to the next, ensuring a smoother flow of thought.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs appropriately, with each paragraph addressing a distinct point in the argument. The introduction and conclusion are well-defined, and the body paragraphs each contribute to the overall argument.
    • How to improve: To enhance paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Additionally, consider incorporating more examples or evidence within each paragraph to strengthen the overall support for the argument.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "therefore," "however," "in conclusion"), to connect ideas and guide the reader through the argument. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the types of cohesive devices used.
    • How to improve: Introduce a wider variety of cohesive devices, including pronouns, parallel structures, and synonyms. This will not only add richness to the essay but also contribute to a more sophisticated and cohesive presentation of ideas.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion, earning a band score of 6. To further improve, focus on refining transitions between paragraphs, strengthening topic sentences, and incorporating a broader range of cohesive devices. These adjustments will enhance the overall flow and clarity of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While there is some variety in the use of words, it could benefit from a more extensive and nuanced vocabulary. For instance, terms like "fully revolutionary solution" and "unprecedented rate" contribute to the range, but the essay lacks a consistent application of sophisticated vocabulary.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more precise and contextually relevant terms. Use synonyms and explore different ways to express ideas. Additionally, integrate domain-specific vocabulary related to economic and political concepts for a more comprehensive language use.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits imprecise vocabulary usage in some instances. For example, the phrase "lower the unemployment to unprecedented rate" lacks precision, as unemployment rates are typically measured in percentages, not absolute terms. Clarity could be improved by using more accurate language.
    • How to improve: Aim for precision by using terms that convey specific meanings. Instead of "lowering unemployment to unprecedented rate," consider specifying a target percentage for unemployment reduction. This will enhance the precision of your expression and provide a clearer understanding of your ideas.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "conciousness" (consciousness), "founding" (forming), "depandence" (dependence), "insteald" (instead), and "oppoturnities" (opportunities). These errors, while not overly pervasive, impact the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
    • How to improve: Enhance spelling accuracy by carefully proofreading your work. Consider using spelling and grammar checking tools to catch errors that might be overlooked. Additionally, practice spelling words commonly used in your writing to reinforce correct spellings.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of language, there is room for improvement in terms of vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. Strengthening these aspects will contribute to a more refined and effective expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6.5

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly employs simple sentence structures, lacking variety in sentence length and complexity. The use of more advanced structures, such as complex and compound sentences, is limited. For instance, the essay could benefit from incorporating relative clauses, conditional sentences, and varied sentence openers to enhance overall coherence and engagement.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider integrating complex sentences with subordinate clauses and varying sentence lengths. For instance, instead of relying on straightforward sentences, experiment with more intricate structures to convey ideas more effectively. This will contribute to a more nuanced and sophisticated expression of your thoughts.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays noticeable grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies. For example, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("poot countries’s consciousness"), word choice ("conciousness"), and punctuation misuse (missing commas in lists). These errors impact the clarity of the message.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is crucial to review and revise your writing for common errors. Pay particular attention to subject-verb agreement, word choice, and punctuation rules. Utilize grammar-check tools or seek feedback from peers to identify and rectify specific mistakes. Additionally, proofreading your work before submission can significantly improve the overall accuracy and coherence of your writing.

While your essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a clear argument, refining the grammatical range and accuracy will contribute to a more polished and higher-scoring essay. Focus on incorporating a variety of sentence structures and refining grammar and punctuation to elevate the overall quality of your writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Developed countries extend their assistance to less affluent nations through financial aid, but its efficacy is questionable. Therefore, I wholeheartedly agree that wealthier nations should reconsider their support strategies instead of persisting with the existing ones.

Commendably, rich nations contribute funds to alleviate immediate concerns such as food, transportation, and medical supplies in less affluent nations. However, it is crucial to recognize that monetary assistance addresses only short-term predicaments. To address poverty comprehensively, it is imperative to recognize and rectify the root cause of the problem. Without tackling the underlying issues, the consciousness and mindset of less affluent nations may persist, fostering a detrimental habit of dependence on financial resources from developed countries. Hence, it is imperative to seek transformative solutions to effect lasting change.

Our primary objective should be to significantly reduce unemployment to unprecedented levels. Several impactful measures can contribute to this endeavor. Firstly, there is a need to reshape the economic and political strategies of nations by altering the government’s mindset. Only by eradicating the inclination to rely on foreign sponsorship can countries discover more effective alternatives. Secondly, adopting technology in manufacturing processes can revolutionize productivity. For instance, substituting manual labor with machines in agricultural activities can boost efficiency. Lastly, leveraging technology to create employment opportunities can further stimulate economic growth.

In conclusion, it is essential for wealthy nations to reconsider their approach in supporting less affluent countries. By adopting these alternative strategies, we can gradually alleviate poverty and facilitate innovation more effectively.

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