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Schoolchildren are becoming far too dependent on computers. This is having an alarming effect on reading and writing skills. Teachers need to avoid using computers in the classroom at all costs and go back to teaching basic study skills. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Schoolchildren are becoming far too dependent on computers. This is having
an alarming effect on reading and writing skills. Teachers need to avoid
using computers in the classroom at all costs and go back to teaching basic
study skills. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In this day and age, with the proliferation of technological devices, some schools tend to
substitute traditional classes with modern ones equipped with TV or PC. Some individuals
argue that it leads to the reading and writing skills of the students gradually decreasing, and in
any way possible teachers ought not to use those devices in the class. As a pupil, I only partially
agree with this view for reasons I will outline in this essay.
On the one hand, it is true that computers should not appear in the classroom. First and
foremost, it will influence the schoolchildren’s health such as the eyes, brain, or heart. To
illustrate, according to the American Medical Association, if we use electronic devices more
than 2 hours a day, heart disease rates will increase by approximately 45%, and depression
rates will rise by about 67%. Secondly, their writing and reading skills will be affected. For
instance, a professor working at Trusty in the UK found that children who use desktop
computers frequently cannot write or read as fast as common pupils because they tend to watch
and type.
On the other hand, because of the convenience, the PC is indeed indispensable. Firstly, it
supports mentors and school children a lot. In other words, submitting assignments online is
quick and easy, and teachers also can receive and grade all the tests smoothly. Last but not
least, learning by watching videos or playing quizzes on a personal computer is more
interesting than learning in traditional methods. For example, Phuoc Thien High School has
combined computers when teaching, which makes their students more elated while studying.
In short, while the PC has its value, the traditional classroom also helps us enhance many skills.
We need to balance when studying because both of them are vital.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "In this day and age" -> "Currently"
    Explanation: "In this day and age" is a colloquial expression. "Currently" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.

  2. "some schools tend to substitute" -> "some schools are increasingly substituting"
    Explanation: "Tend to substitute" is somewhat vague and informal. "Are increasingly substituting" provides a clearer and more precise description of the trend.

  3. "with TV or PC" -> "with television or computers"
    Explanation: "TV" is informal and "PC" is too generic; "television" and "computers" are more formal and precise.

  4. "in any way possible" -> "in any way feasible"
    Explanation: "In any way possible" is overly broad and informal. "In any way feasible" is more specific and academically appropriate.

  5. "As a pupil, I only partially agree" -> "As a student, I partially agree"
    Explanation: "Pupil" is less commonly used in formal academic writing; "student" is more standard. Also, "only" is redundant before "partially."

  6. "First and foremost" -> "primarily"
    Explanation: "First and foremost" is a colloquial expression. "Primarily" is more formal and fits better in academic writing.

  7. "it will influence the schoolchildren’s health such as the eyes, brain, or heart" -> "it may negatively impact the health of schoolchildren, including their eyes, brains, and hearts"
    Explanation: "Such as" is informal and vague; "including" is more precise and formal. Also, "may negatively impact" is more cautious and appropriate for academic writing.

  8. "if we use electronic devices more than 2 hours a day" -> "if individuals use electronic devices for more than two hours daily"
    Explanation: "We" is too informal and imprecise; "individuals" is more appropriate. "Two hours daily" is more formal than "more than 2 hours a day."

  9. "heart disease rates will increase by approximately 45%" -> "the incidence of heart disease may increase by approximately 45%"
    Explanation: "Rates" is less specific; "incidence" is more precise in a medical context. "May" is more cautious and suitable for academic writing.

  10. "cannot write or read as fast as common pupils" -> "are less adept at writing and reading compared to their peers"
    Explanation: "Cannot write or read as fast as common pupils" is informal and imprecise. "Are less adept at writing and reading compared to their peers" is more formal and specific.

  11. "because of the convenience, the PC is indeed indispensable" -> "owing to its convenience, the computer is indeed essential"
    Explanation: "Because of the convenience" is informal; "owing to its convenience" is more formal. "Indispensable" is correct but "essential" is more commonly used in academic contexts.

  12. "supports mentors and school children a lot" -> "significantly supports teachers and students"
    Explanation: "A lot" is informal and vague; "significantly" is more precise and formal. "Mentors" and "school children" are less formal; "teachers" and "students" are standard.

  13. "Last but not least" -> "Finally"
    Explanation: "Last but not least" is a colloquial expression; "Finally" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.

  14. "more elated while studying" -> "more engaged during learning"
    Explanation: "Elated" is not typically used to describe academic engagement; "engaged" is more appropriate and formal.

  15. "We need to balance when studying" -> "A balance is necessary in our studies"
    Explanation: "We need to balance when studying" is informal and awkwardly phrased; "A balance is necessary in our studies" is more formal and flows better.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding the use of computers in classrooms. The writer acknowledges the negative impact on reading and writing skills while also recognizing the benefits of technology in education. However, the response could be more explicit in stating the extent of agreement or disagreement with the prompt. While the writer mentions partial agreement, the essay lacks a clear articulation of what that entails in terms of the balance between traditional and modern teaching methods.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly state their position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. They could specify what "partial agreement" means—perhaps by indicating specific contexts where technology is beneficial versus harmful. This would provide a more comprehensive answer to the prompt.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that is somewhat clear but lacks consistency. The introduction states partial agreement, but the body paragraphs do not consistently reflect this stance. For example, the first body paragraph focuses heavily on the negative aspects of computers, while the second body paragraph emphasizes their advantages without adequately linking back to the initial position.
    • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently refer back to their stance throughout the essay. Each paragraph should relate back to the central argument, perhaps by using phrases like "While I acknowledge the benefits of computers, I believe…" This would help reinforce the writer’s position and make it more coherent.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the health impacts of computer use and the convenience of online assignments. However, the support for these ideas is uneven. The health argument is backed by a statistic, which is a strong point, but the evidence regarding writing and reading skills is less convincing due to a lack of specific data or studies. The second body paragraph presents ideas but lacks depth in explanation and examples.
    • How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations. For instance, when discussing the negative impact on reading and writing skills, they could include specific studies or statistics that illustrate the decline in these skills. Additionally, expanding on the benefits of technology with more concrete examples would strengthen the argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the effects of computers on students’ skills and the role of teachers. However, there are moments where the focus shifts, such as the mention of health impacts, which, while relevant, could be more tightly integrated into the overall argument about educational methods.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question of the extent to which they agree or disagree with the prompt. They could refine their arguments to ensure that each point clearly ties back to the main topic, possibly by using topic sentences that explicitly connect back to the prompt.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, but it would benefit from clearer articulation of the position, more robust support for ideas, and tighter focus on the prompt throughout.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively outlines the writer’s stance, while the body paragraphs address both sides of the argument. However, the transition between the points could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the negative impacts of computers to their benefits lacks a clear linking sentence that would guide the reader through the argument.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning of paragraphs to signal shifts in the argument. For example, phrases like "Conversely," or "On the other hand," can help clarify the transition between opposing views. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first paragraph discusses the drawbacks of computer use, while the second addresses the advantages. However, the conclusion could be more developed to summarize the main points more clearly and reinforce the writer’s position.
    • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that the conclusion not only summarizes the arguments but also reiterates the thesis in light of the discussion. This could involve restating the importance of balancing traditional and modern teaching methods and providing a final thought or recommendation.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "first and foremost," "for instance," and "last but not least." These phrases help to guide the reader through the argument. However, there is a tendency to rely on a limited range of cohesive devices, which can make the writing feel repetitive.
    • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, consider using "additionally," "furthermore," "however," and "in contrast" to connect ideas and enhance the flow. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately to maintain clarity and coherence throughout the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, but improvements in logical organization, paragraph development, and the range of cohesive devices could elevate the score further.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, with terms like "proliferation," "substitute," "indispensable," and "elated" showcasing some variety. However, the vocabulary tends to be somewhat repetitive and lacks the sophistication expected at higher band scores. For instance, the phrase "traditional classes" is used multiple times without variation, which can detract from the overall quality of the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and more varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "traditional classes," alternatives such as "conventional teaching methods" or "classical education" could be employed. Additionally, using more advanced vocabulary related to the topic, such as "pedagogical approaches" or "digital literacy," would elevate the essay’s lexical range.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage that could lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "influence the schoolchildren’s health such as the eyes, brain, or heart" lacks clarity. It would be more effective to specify how computer use impacts these areas, as the current phrasing could mislead readers regarding the nature of the health effects.
    • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. Instead of saying "influence the schoolchildren’s health," a more precise phrase could be "negatively impact the visual and cognitive health of schoolchildren." This not only clarifies the point but also demonstrates a more nuanced understanding of the topic.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally displays good spelling, with few errors. However, there are some minor mistakes, such as "schoolchildren’s" which is correctly spelled but could be hyphenated for clarity as "school-children’s" in some contexts. Additionally, the term "PC" is used without prior definition, which may confuse readers unfamiliar with the abbreviation.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, paying attention to compound words and abbreviations. Utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools can also help catch minor errors. Furthermore, defining abbreviations like "PC" upon first use would improve clarity and ensure that all readers understand the terminology used.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating more varied vocabulary, ensuring precise word choices, and maintaining careful attention to spelling, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing and potentially achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of introductory phrases like "In this day and age" and "On the one hand" helps to organize the argument effectively. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the way sentences are initiated (e.g., starting multiple sentences with "First and foremost" or "Secondly"). The use of passive voice is minimal, which could enhance the variety.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentences that combine clauses effectively. For example, instead of repeatedly using "Firstly" and "Secondly," the writer could use varied transitions such as "Moreover," "In addition," or "Conversely." Additionally, employing more passive constructions where appropriate could add to the complexity of the writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "it will influence the schoolchildren’s health such as the eyes, brain, or heart" is awkwardly constructed; it would be clearer to say "it can negatively affect schoolchildren’s health, including their eyesight, cognitive function, and cardiovascular health." There are also issues with punctuation, such as the lack of commas in compound sentences, which can lead to run-on sentences. For instance, "because they tend to watch and type" could be better integrated with the preceding clause using a comma for clarity.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and sentence fragments. Additionally, practicing the correct use of punctuation, especially in compound and complex sentences, will improve clarity. It may be beneficial to review rules regarding comma usage and practice integrating clauses more effectively to avoid run-on sentences.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical and punctuation accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In this day and age, with the proliferation of technological devices, some schools are increasingly substituting traditional classes with modern ones equipped with television or computers. Some individuals argue that this leads to the reading and writing skills of students gradually decreasing, and in any way feasible, teachers ought not to use those devices in the classroom. As a student, I only partially agree with this view for reasons I will outline in this essay.

On the one hand, it is true that computers should not appear in the classroom. First and foremost, they may negatively impact the health of schoolchildren, including their eyes, brains, and hearts. To illustrate, according to the American Medical Association, if individuals use electronic devices for more than two hours daily, the incidence of heart disease may increase by approximately 45%, and depression rates will rise by about 67%. Secondly, their writing and reading skills will be affected. For instance, a professor working at Trusty in the UK found that children who use desktop computers frequently are less adept at writing and reading compared to their peers because they tend to watch and type.

On the other hand, owing to its convenience, the computer is indeed essential. Firstly, it significantly supports teachers and students. In other words, submitting assignments online is quick and easy, and teachers can also receive and grade all the tests smoothly. Finally, learning by watching videos or playing quizzes on a personal computer is more engaging during learning than traditional methods. For example, Phuoc Thien High School has combined computers with teaching, which makes their students more elated while studying.

In short, while the computer has its value, the traditional classroom also helps us enhance many skills. A balance is necessary in our studies because both of them are vital.

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