Schools should focus on academic success and passing examinations. Skills such as cookery, dressmaking, and woodwork should not be taught at school as it is better to learn these from family and friends. To that extent do you agree or disagree?
The suitable curriculum for students has consistently provoked fierce debate, with some arguing that schools should put more emphasis on the academic aspect and delegate the teaching of personal skills such as meal preparation, tailoring, and carpentry to families and friends, and others, myself included, object to this. This essay will scrutinize the opposite viewpoint to clarify the accounts for my stance.
Educational institutions should include lessons on skills like food preparation or designing clothes because schools, with their federally sponsored learning facilities and pieces of equipment, offer the ideal venue for the acquisition, practice, and mastering of such integral skills. Illustrations of this can be found in the case of learning gastronomy. Unlike parents and friends, schools can provide secure and highly sanitary cooking premises where students can receive immediate external assistance in hazardous events of a fire or leaking gas which could not otherwise be easily solved in homes.
Another rationale is that schools offer a more disciplined learning process. There is always a probability of students refusing to learn such essential-to-life skills and desiring entertainment due to the unrestraint nature of being at home, which means that they are likely to not concentrate on their studies and eventually grasp no related knowledge. In contrast, schools consist of an element of discipline, forcing students to strictly abide by the rules and learn the skills. Hence, students who study those life skills at academies are highly likely to be capable of catering for themselves once they enter adulthood.
In conclusion, I would contend that it is advisable that the obtainment of such crucial skills as cooking meals, needlework, and woodwork not be removed from schools’ syllabuses and left to be the responsibility of parents and friends.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
"schools should put more emphasis on the academic aspect" -> "schools should prioritize academic subjects more"
Explanation: "Put more emphasis on" is slightly informal. Using "prioritize academic subjects more" maintains formality and clarity in expressing the idea of focusing more on academic disciplines.
"delegate the teaching of personal skills" -> "assign the teaching of personal skills"
Explanation: "Delegate" might suggest a formal transfer of responsibility, which might not be the intended meaning here. "Assign" is a more appropriate term when referring to distributing tasks or responsibilities.
"myself included" -> "including myself"
Explanation: The phrase "myself included" can sound slightly informal in an academic context. Rearranging to "including myself" maintains formality while conveying the same meaning.
"scrutinize the opposite viewpoint" -> "examine the opposing viewpoint"
Explanation: "Scrutinize" might imply a very intense examination, whereas "examine" is more neutral and suitable in an academic context.
"federally sponsored learning facilities" -> "government-funded educational facilities"
Explanation: "Federally sponsored" may not be universally understood, whereas "government-funded" is more direct and clearer in conveying the support of the government.
"Illustrations of this can be found" -> "Examples of this can be found"
Explanation: "Illustrations" might be considered a slightly formal or artistic term. "Examples" is a more straightforward and commonly used term in academic writing.
"receive immediate external assistance" -> "get immediate external help"
Explanation: "Assistance" can be replaced with "help" without losing any meaning, but "help" sounds more natural and less formal in this context.
"events of a fire or leaking gas which could not otherwise be easily solved in homes" -> "instances of fire outbreaks or gas leaks that might be challenging to handle at home"
Explanation: The original sentence is slightly convoluted. The revised version is clearer and more explicitly conveys the potential difficulties in handling such situations at home.
"desiring entertainment due to the unrestraint nature of being at home" -> "seeking entertainment due to the lack of constraints at home"
Explanation: "Unrestraint nature" is an awkward phrase. "Lack of constraints" is more concise and clearer in conveying the idea.
"forcing students to strictly abide by the rules and learn the skills" -> "ensuring students adhere to rules and learn these skills diligently"
Explanation: Replacing "forcing" with "ensuring" and rephrasing the sentence slightly enhances clarity and maintains formality.
"be capable of catering for themselves" -> "be capable of self-sufficiency"
Explanation: "Catering for themselves" is slightly informal. "Self-sufficiency" is a more formal and fitting term in an academic context.
"obtainment of such crucial skills" -> "inclusion of these crucial skills"
Explanation: "Obtainment" is less commonly used in academic writing. "Inclusion" better fits the context of skills being part of the curriculum.
Overall, the recommended changes aim to refine the language for academic writing, replacing some informal or less formal phrases with more appropriate alternatives while maintaining clarity and precision.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay successfully addresses all parts of the prompt by presenting a clear stance on whether schools should teach practical skills, such as cookery, dressmaking, and woodwork, or if these skills are better learned from family and friends. The introduction outlines the debate, and the subsequent paragraphs delve into the reasons supporting the writer’s viewpoint.
- How to improve: To further enhance this aspect, consider explicitly referencing the prompt in the introduction, perhaps by paraphrasing or directly quoting parts of it. This can ensure that the reader immediately understands the context and the writer’s position.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position in favor of teaching practical skills in schools. The writer effectively communicates their viewpoint, and each paragraph reinforces this stance.
- How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, ensure that each paragraph’s topic sentence explicitly aligns with the main argument. This will help readers follow the essay’s logic more easily.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports its ideas well. It offers specific examples, such as the advantages of schools providing secure and sanitary cooking premises, and it explores the idea of discipline in the learning process.
- How to improve: To further enhance idea development, consider providing more nuanced examples or elaborating on the potential counterarguments. This can demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic and strengthen the overall argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay stays on topic throughout, focusing on the debate about whether schools should teach practical skills or if these skills are better learned from family and friends.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that every piece of evidence and explanation directly relates to the main argument. Avoid introducing tangential points that might distract from the central theme.
This essay effectively addresses the prompt, presenting a coherent and well-structured argument in favor of teaching practical skills in schools. The use of specific examples enhances the essay’s persuasiveness. To further improve, consider refining the introduction to explicitly connect with the prompt, ensuring that each paragraph’s topic sentence aligns with the main argument, providing more nuanced examples, and avoiding any tangential points. Overall, a strong and well-written response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear logical organization. It begins with a concise introduction, followed by well-structured body paragraphs that present arguments in a logical sequence. For instance, the essay first addresses the benefits of schools teaching practical skills and then provides reasons supporting this perspective.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider reinforcing the connections between paragraphs. Use transition sentences to guide the reader smoothly from one idea to the next.
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction and conclusion are appropriately structured, and the body paragraphs present distinct points.
- How to improve: Maintain consistency in paragraph length to create a more balanced visual structure. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that previews the main idea.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: Cohesive devices are appropriately utilized throughout the essay. Examples include cohesive conjunctions ("because," "hence") and reference words ("this," "therefore"). These contribute to the overall coherence.
- How to improve: Introduce a wider variety of cohesive devices, such as synonyms and parallel structures, to diversify language use and enhance overall coherence. This can add richness to the essay and make it more engaging for the reader.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable variety of vocabulary, demonstrating an ability to express ideas using a broad range of words and phrases. For instance, the writer uses words like "delegate," "scrutinize," "integral," and "restraint," contributing to a nuanced and sophisticated expression of thoughts.
How to improve: To enhance the richness of vocabulary, consider incorporating more advanced synonyms and idiomatic expressions where appropriate. Additionally, expanding the use of academic or domain-specific terminology can further elevate the lexical resource.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying the intended meanings. However, there are instances where a more precise choice of words could enhance clarity. For example, in the phrase "unrestraint nature," a more precise term like "unbridled" could sharpen the expression.
How to improve: Pay careful attention to word choices, especially in conveying nuanced ideas. Utilize a thesaurus to explore more precise alternatives, ensuring that each word aligns precisely with the intended meaning.
Use Correct Spelling:
Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a strong command of spelling, with very few errors noted. The spelling accuracy contributes positively to the overall language proficiency.
How to improve: Continue to focus on maintaining spelling accuracy by proofreading carefully. Consider utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools to catch any inadvertent errors. Additionally, expanding exposure to diverse vocabulary can further fortify spelling skills.
Overall, the essay exhibits a robust command of vocabulary, with room for refinement in precision and a continual commitment to maintaining impeccable spelling. To elevate the lexical resource to an even higher band score, focus on incorporating more sophisticated terminology and refining word choices for utmost precision.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. There’s evidence of complex sentences with clauses, compound sentences, and some sentence variation that contributes to the overall coherence and readability of the essay. For instance, phrases like "The suitable curriculum for students has consistently provoked fierce debate," "Illustrations of this can be found in the case of learning gastronomy," and "Another rationale is that schools offer a more disciplined learning process" display diverse sentence structures, enhancing the essay’s sophistication.
- How to improve: To further enrich the essay, consider incorporating more varied sentence structures, such as inversion, passive voice, conditional sentences, and parallelism. Experimenting with these structures can elevate the fluency and complexity of the writing.
Use Grammar Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a generally high level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are a few instances where minor grammatical errors occur, such as issues with subject-verb agreement (e.g., "the acquirement of such crucial skills as cooking meals, needlework, and woodwork not be removed"). Additionally, some sentence structures could be refined for smoother readability and clearer meaning.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on proofreading to catch errors in subject-verb agreement and sentence structure. Practice using complex sentence structures while ensuring their correctness. Additionally, review specific grammatical rules related to the construction of complex sentences to improve overall accuracy.
Use Correct Punctuation:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate grasp of punctuation, employing commas, periods, and apostrophes suitably throughout the text. However, there are a few instances where the use of punctuation could be refined for better clarity and flow. For instance, in sentences like "This essay will scrutinize the opposite viewpoint to clarify the accounts for my stance," clearer punctuation or sentence restructuring might improve readability.
- How to improve: Practice using punctuation marks like semicolons, colons, and dashes to vary sentence structures and enhance coherence. Review specific instances where punctuation might improve the flow or clarity of your sentences.
In conclusion, while the essay displays a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy overall, further attention to minor grammatical errors and more nuanced punctuation usage could elevate the writing to an even higher level, potentially achieving an even greater band score. Keep practicing diverse sentence structures, refine grammar, and pay closer attention to punctuation to continue improving your writing skills.
Bài sửa mẫu
The debate surrounding the ideal curriculum for students revolves around whether schools should prioritize academic subjects more or assign the teaching of personal skills, such as cooking, sewing, and carpentry, to family and friends. While some advocate for a focus on academics, including myself, others argue against this notion. This essay aims to explore the opposing viewpoint and substantiate my stance.
Educational institutions should incorporate lessons on practical skills like food preparation and clothing design. Schools, with their government-funded facilities and specialized equipment, offer optimal environments for acquiring and mastering such essential skills. Take cooking, for instance. Unlike homes, schools can provide secure and hygienic cooking spaces where students can promptly receive external help in case of emergencies like fire outbreaks or gas leaks, situations that might be challenging to handle at home.
Furthermore, schools provide a structured learning environment. At home, students might be prone to distractions or seek entertainment due to the lack of constraints, impacting their focus on studies and the acquisition of these crucial life skills. Conversely, schools enforce discipline, ensuring students adhere to rules and learn these skills diligently. Therefore, students learning these skills in educational institutions are more likely to be self-sufficient once they transition into adulthood.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that the inclusion of these crucial skills, such as cooking, sewing, and woodworking, in the school curriculum is essential. Relying solely on parents and friends for teaching these skills might limit the comprehensive learning experience that schools can provide.