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schools should or should not add physical exercise into their curriculum. Your opinion

schools should or should not add physical exercise into their curriculum. Your opinion

There is a controversial problem that schools should or should not add physical exercise into their curriculum. While supporters suppose that exercise can be more beneficial for students’ physical and mental well-being, others argue that students should completely focus on academic subjects to get a good performance. In this essay, I will discuss the(bỏ) further insights into both opinions, but personally I believe that integrated physical education will have several benefits for students.
On the one hand, there are many reasons why people believe that students should concentrate on their studies. First and foremost, focusing on academic studies gives students an opportunity to broaden their knowledge. This is because knowledge not only enables them to discover new things about the world, but also gives students chances to have a good job in the future. Therefore, parents often encourage their children to learn hard and get great achievements. Secondly, with the speed of current industrialization, students are required to learn as much as possible. Because they have to adapt and follow the changes of the world which allow them to exist in a competitive environment. As a result, they seem to spend much time for learning new things to improve their ability and understanding about the world.
On the other hand, physical education should be added into the curriculum for the following reasons. First, it is a great way for students to improve their physical health. Playing sports can burn a big amount of calories in their body which allows them to stay healthy and stay in good shape. Besides, students might avoid chronic well-being problems such as obesity, diabetes or cardiovascular issues. Another benefit of integrating physical education in the students’ schedule is that it enhances their studying productivity. This means that physical activities are a chance for students to relax and release their stress after long hours of studying. Thus, they will feel refreshed and comfortable when they get back to their study, and their academic performance will be enhanced positively.
All in all, although concentrating on academic studies would help students expand their horizons and adapt with rapid changes of the world, I strongly believe that physical activities could benefit students in improving their physical and academic results. Therefore, it is necessary that school should create opportunities for students to approach physical exercises.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "There is a controversial problem" -> "There is a contentious issue"
    Explanation: "Controversial problem" is redundant as "problem" inherently implies controversy. Using "contentious issue" avoids redundancy and enhances the formal tone.

  2. "suppose" -> "believe"
    Explanation: "Suppose" is less formal and can imply a hypothetical scenario, whereas "believe" is more direct and appropriate for expressing an opinion in academic writing.

  3. "completely focus on" -> "exclusively focus on"
    Explanation: "Completely" is somewhat informal and vague; "exclusively" is more precise and formal, fitting better in an academic context.

  4. "get a good performance" -> "achieve academic success"
    Explanation: "Get a good performance" is informal and vague. "Achieve academic success" is more specific and academically appropriate, clearly indicating academic achievement.

  5. "the(bỏ)" -> "the"
    Explanation: The "(bỏ)" is likely a typographical error and should be removed for clarity and correctness.

  6. "further insights into both opinions" -> "a deeper examination of both perspectives"
    Explanation: "Further insights" is somewhat vague; "a deeper examination of both perspectives" is more specific and formal, enhancing the academic tone.

  7. "gives students chances" -> "offers students opportunities"
    Explanation: "Gives students chances" is informal and less precise. "Offers students opportunities" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.

  8. "have a good job" -> "secure employment"
    Explanation: "Have a good job" is informal and vague. "Secure employment" is more formal and specific, suitable for academic discourse.

  9. "learn hard" -> "study diligently"
    Explanation: "Learn hard" is informal and colloquial. "Study diligently" is more formal and academically appropriate.

  10. "get great achievements" -> "achieve significant academic achievements"
    Explanation: "Get great achievements" is informal and vague. "Achieve significant academic achievements" is more precise and formal, aligning with academic standards.

  11. "industrialization" -> "industrial development"
    Explanation: "Industrialization" can be too broad and outdated; "industrial development" is more specific and contemporary, fitting better in the context of modernization.

  12. "have to adapt and follow the changes of the world" -> "must adapt to and respond to global changes"
    Explanation: "Have to adapt and follow the changes of the world" is awkward and informal. "Must adapt to and respond to global changes" is more formal and clearer.

  13. "Playing sports can burn a big amount of calories" -> "Engaging in sports can significantly reduce caloric intake"
    Explanation: "Playing sports can burn a big amount of calories" is informal and imprecise. "Engaging in sports can significantly reduce caloric intake" is more scientifically accurate and formal.

  14. "stay healthy and stay in good shape" -> "maintain good health and physical fitness"
    Explanation: "Stay healthy and stay in good shape" is redundant and informal. "Maintain good health and physical fitness" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing.

  15. "chronic well-being problems" -> "chronic health issues"
    Explanation: "Well-being problems" is vague and less formal. "Chronic health issues" is more specific and appropriate for a formal academic context.

  16. "enhances their studying productivity" -> "improves their academic productivity"
    Explanation: "Enhances their studying productivity" is awkward and informal. "Improves their academic productivity" is more direct and formal, aligning with academic language standards.

  17. "school should create opportunities" -> "educational institutions should provide opportunities"
    Explanation: "School" is too informal and general; "educational institutions" is more specific and formal, suitable for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by presenting both sides of the argument regarding the inclusion of physical exercise in school curricula. The introduction clearly outlines the two opposing views, and the body paragraphs provide reasons for both the proponents and opponents of the idea. However, while the essay does mention both perspectives, it could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the question’s directive to express a personal opinion. The conclusion reiterates the author’s stance but could be more forceful in emphasizing the necessity of physical education.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should ensure that their personal opinion is clearly stated in the introduction and consistently reinforced throughout the essay. Explicitly stating that the essay will argue in favor of integrating physical exercise into the curriculum at the outset would strengthen the response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that supports the inclusion of physical exercise in schools. The author presents arguments for both sides but ultimately aligns with the benefits of physical education. However, the transition between discussing the opposing view and the author’s opinion could be more seamless to enhance clarity. The phrase "I strongly believe" in the conclusion is a strong statement, but the transition from the opposing view could be more direct.
    • How to improve: To improve clarity, the author should use transitional phrases that clearly signal shifts in perspective. For example, after presenting the opposing view, a phrase like "Despite these valid concerns, I maintain that…" would help reinforce the author’s position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several well-developed ideas supporting the inclusion of physical exercise, such as health benefits and improved academic performance. Each point is supported with relevant explanations, such as the mention of chronic health issues and the impact of physical activity on stress relief. However, some points could be further extended with examples or statistics to enhance credibility and depth.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the author could incorporate specific examples or data, such as studies showing the correlation between physical activity and academic performance. This would not only substantiate the claims but also engage the reader more effectively.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the debate about physical exercise in schools. However, there are moments where the discussion of academic focus becomes slightly tangential, particularly in the second paragraph. The emphasis on academic achievements, while relevant, could be more succinct to maintain a tighter focus on the main argument.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that each point directly relates back to the central question of whether physical exercise should be included in the curriculum. Reducing the elaboration on academic performance and instead linking it back to how physical education can enhance academic outcomes would help keep the essay on topic.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. With some adjustments to clarity, support, and focus, the author could further enhance the effectiveness of their response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction that outlines the topic and states the writer’s opinion. The body paragraphs are divided into two main viewpoints: one supporting academic focus and the other advocating for physical education. Each paragraph presents relevant arguments, which helps maintain a logical flow. However, the transition between the two sides could be smoother, as the shift from discussing academic focus to physical education feels somewhat abrupt.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that signal a shift in perspective, such as "Conversely" or "In contrast." Additionally, summarizing the main point of the previous paragraph before introducing the next can help create a more cohesive flow.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is essential for clarity. Each paragraph has a clear main idea, supported by relevant details. However, the concluding paragraph could be more robust; it briefly summarizes the arguments but does not fully reinforce the writer’s stance or provide a strong closing statement.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the conclusion by restating the main arguments more explicitly and emphasizing the importance of the writer’s opinion. A concluding sentence that reflects on the broader implications of including physical education in the curriculum could also enhance the overall impact.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "first," "secondly," and "therefore," which help to guide the reader through the arguments. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat repetitive, and there are instances where more varied language could improve the essay’s fluidity. For example, phrases like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand" are effective but could be complemented with other linking phrases to avoid redundancy.
    • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate synonyms and alternative phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "first" and "secondly," consider using "initially," "subsequently," or "in addition." Additionally, using conjunctions such as "however," "moreover," and "furthermore" can enhance the connections between ideas and improve overall coherence.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "beneficial," "concentrate," "chronic well-being problems," and "enhances." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "students should concentrate on their studies" and "students might avoid chronic well-being problems." This limits the variety and richness of expression.
    • How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, consider using synonyms or related phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "students should concentrate," alternatives like "students ought to prioritize" or "students need to focus" can diversify the language. Additionally, incorporating more academic or nuanced vocabulary related to education and health could strengthen the essay.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary correctly, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "to learn hard" is awkward and not commonly used; a more precise expression would be "to work hard in their studies." Additionally, "chronic well-being problems" is somewhat misleading; "chronic health issues" would be more accurate.
    • How to improve: Focus on refining vocabulary choices to ensure precision. Utilize resources such as thesauruses or academic vocabulary lists to find more suitable terms. Practicing paraphrasing can also help in developing a clearer and more accurate expression of ideas.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "the(bỏ)" which appears to be a typographical error, and "well-being problems" where "well-being" should be hyphenated but is not consistently applied. Overall, spelling is mostly accurate, but these minor errors detract from the overall quality.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After writing, take a moment to read through the essay to catch any typographical errors. Additionally, utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools can help identify mistakes before submission. Regular practice with spelling exercises can also enhance overall accuracy.

By addressing these areas—expanding vocabulary range, ensuring precise usage, and improving spelling accuracy—the essay can achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For example, phrases like "While supporters suppose that exercise can be more beneficial for students’ physical and mental well-being" and "On the one hand, there are many reasons why people believe that students should concentrate on their studies" show an ability to use introductory clauses effectively. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the use of "students should" and "students are required," which can detract from the overall variety.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating more varied sentence openings and using different grammatical forms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "students should," you could use phrases like "It is essential for students to" or "Students ought to." Additionally, varying the use of passive and active voice can add depth to your writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that affect clarity. For instance, the phrase "students are required to learn as much as possible" could be more clearly expressed as "students are increasingly required to learn as much as possible." Additionally, there are punctuation issues, such as missing commas in compound sentences, which can lead to run-on sentences. For example, "As a result, they seem to spend much time for learning new things to improve their ability and understanding about the world" could be clearer with a comma before "to improve."
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on proofreading for common errors, particularly in punctuation. Pay attention to the use of commas in complex sentences and ensure that clauses are properly separated. Additionally, consider revising sentences that feel awkward or unclear. For example, instead of "to have a good performance," you might say "to achieve good academic performance," which is more precise. Regular practice with grammar exercises and reading well-structured essays can also help reinforce correct usage.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a contentious issue regarding whether schools should add physical exercise to their curriculum. While supporters believe that exercise can be highly beneficial for students’ physical and mental well-being, others argue that students should exclusively focus on academic subjects to achieve good performance. In this essay, I will provide a deeper examination of both perspectives, but personally, I believe that integrating physical education will offer several advantages for students.

On the one hand, there are many reasons why people believe that students should concentrate on their studies. First and foremost, focusing on academic subjects gives students an opportunity to broaden their knowledge. This is because knowledge not only enables them to discover new things about the world but also provides students with chances to secure good employment in the future. Therefore, parents often encourage their children to study diligently and achieve significant academic successes. Secondly, with the rapid pace of current industrial development, students are required to learn as much as possible. They must adapt to and respond to global changes, which allows them to thrive in a competitive environment. As a result, they tend to spend considerable time learning new things to improve their abilities and understanding of the world.

On the other hand, physical education should be added to the curriculum for several compelling reasons. First, it is an excellent way for students to enhance their physical health. Engaging in sports can significantly reduce caloric intake, allowing them to maintain good health and physical fitness. Additionally, students might avoid chronic health issues such as obesity, diabetes, or cardiovascular problems. Another benefit of integrating physical education into students’ schedules is that it improves their academic productivity. This means that physical activities provide students with opportunities to relax and relieve stress after long hours of studying. Consequently, they will feel refreshed and comfortable when they return to their studies, positively impacting their academic performance.

In conclusion, although concentrating on academic studies helps students expand their horizons and adapt to the rapid changes in the world, I strongly believe that physical activities can benefit students by improving both their physical and academic results. Therefore, it is essential that schools provide opportunities for students to engage in physical exercise.

Bài viết liên quan

Some people believe teenagers should focus on all subjects equally, whereas other people think that they should concentrate on only those subjects that they find interesting and they are best at. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Task 2: You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: Some people believe teenagers should focus on all subjects equally, whereas other people think that they should concentrate on only those subjects that they find interesting and they are best at. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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