Scientists say we eat too much junk food and that it is harmful to our health. Some people believe the solution to this problem lies with education, but others argue education is useless. Discuss both views and give one your opinion.

It is widely debated that education might resolve the issue of junk food consumed unduly by citizens while others claim that this approach might be futile. This essay endeavors to meticulously discuss both views and elucidate the sound reason of my advocacy for the former.

On the one hand, it is the contention of some that appealing advertisements associated with junk food are likely to have a pernicious repercussion on children even though they could learn nutritious theories or lessons at their school. Providing that there existed countless such advertisements on the Internet or televisions of civilians, children shall be bewitched by vivid images through which they dedicate a great deal of money on purchasing this kind of food. For example, the loose regulations related to ads of junk food in Malaysia in recent years have given rise to the steeply escalating tendency in the number of patients contracting obesity owing to the undue exposure to junk food. Consequently, relevant governmental agencies might allocate state budgets for constructing more hospitals and restrict the inordinate emergence of these advertisements with the objective of addressing this issue.

On the other hand, I unequivocally advocate that the educational environment is liable to be of paramount significance for alleviating excessive use of junk food. Irrefutably, not only do teachers and parents disseminate how such kinds of food exert a detrimental effect on physical well-being but they also instruct successive generations in the use of alternative options for the sake of nourishing good food-consuming habits in the early stage of their lives. Numerous children from developed nations such as America, Canada and France, for instance, deploy salad instead of junk food including snacks and candies in their diet by virtue of parental involvement as well as penetrate deeper into the disadvantages of junk food pertaining to triggering chronic diseases, cardiovascular ailments or obesity through videos and posters in their school. In the light of that, this might play an intrinsic part in raising perception and awareness of young generations, accordingly making individuals less susceptible to illness. As a result, citizens are apt to experience fewer health problems, which in turn would be instrumental in longer and healthier life along with overall improved sense of well-being.

In conclusion, despite the fact that decline in advertisements might overcome the phenomenon of excessive consumption of junk food, I firmly contend that the schooling by parents or teachers should not be understated.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"It is widely debated that" -> "It is widely acknowledged that"
Explanation: "Acknowledged" is more precise and formal than "debated," which can imply controversy or disagreement, which is not the intended meaning in this context.
"consumed unduly" -> "consumed excessively"
Explanation: "Excessively" is a more direct and academically appropriate term than "unduly," which can imply unfair or unjust consumption.
"This essay endeavors to meticulously discuss" -> "This essay aims to thoroughly examine"
Explanation: "Aims to thoroughly examine" is more precise and formal than "endeavors to meticulously discuss," which sounds overly elaborate and less natural.
"elucidate the sound reason of my advocacy" -> "elucidate the rationale for my advocacy"
Explanation: "Rationale" is more specific and academically appropriate than "sound reason," which is vague and informal.
"appealing advertisements" -> "attractive advertisements"
Explanation: "Attractive" is more precise in this context, focusing on the visual appeal of the advertisements, whereas "appealing" can imply a broader range of qualities.
"pernicious repercussion" -> "harmful consequences"
Explanation: "Harmful consequences" is a clearer and more direct term than "pernicious repercussions," which is less commonly used and may be confusing.
"children shall be bewitched" -> "children are likely to be influenced"
Explanation: "Are likely to be influenced" is a more accurate and formal expression than "shall be bewitched," which is overly dramatic and informal.
"dedicate a great deal of money" -> "spend a significant amount of money"
Explanation: "Spend a significant amount of money" is more precise and formal than "dedicate a great deal of money," which is somewhat colloquial.
"steeply escalating tendency" -> "rapidly increasing trend"
Explanation: "Rapidly increasing trend" is a more commonly used and understood phrase in academic writing than "steeply escalating tendency."
"inordinate emergence" -> "excessive proliferation"
Explanation: "Excessive proliferation" is a more precise term that better describes the rapid and uncontrolled growth of advertisements.
"Irrefutably" -> "Undoubtedly"
Explanation: "Undoubtedly" is more commonly used in academic writing to express certainty, whereas "irrefutably" is typically used to emphasize the impossibility of refutation, which is not the intended meaning here.
"deploy salad instead of junk food" -> "opt for salads over junk food"
Explanation: "Opt for" is a more formal and precise term than "deploy," which is not typically used in this context.
"penetrate deeper into the disadvantages" -> "deepen their understanding of the disadvantages"
Explanation: "Deepen their understanding" is a more appropriate and formal way to describe the process of gaining knowledge, compared to "penetrate deeper into."
"making individuals less susceptible to illness" -> "reducing individuals’ susceptibility to illness"
Explanation: "Reducing individuals’ susceptibility" is a more formal and precise way to express the decrease in vulnerability to illness.
"apt to experience fewer health problems" -> "more likely to experience fewer health problems"
Explanation: "More likely" is a clearer and more formal expression than "apt to," which is less commonly used in this context.
"longer and healthier life" -> "longer, healthier lives"
Explanation: "Longer, healthier lives" is grammatically correct and more formal than "longer and healthier life," which is awkwardly phrased.
"should not be understated" -> "should not be overlooked"
Explanation: "Should not be overlooked" is a more precise and formal way to emphasize the importance of considering the role of education in addressing the issue.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views regarding the role of education in combating junk food consumption. The first paragraph discusses the argument that advertising influences children’s eating habits negatively, while the second paragraph presents the counterargument that education is crucial for promoting healthier eating habits. The essay concludes with a clear opinion favoring education, which aligns well with the prompt’s requirements.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could provide a more balanced exploration of both views. While the arguments are present, the essay leans heavily towards the educational perspective without fully developing the opposing view. Adding more depth to the discussion on why some believe education is ineffective, perhaps by citing specific examples or studies, would strengthen the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer maintains a clear stance throughout the essay, advocating for the importance of education in addressing junk food consumption. Phrases like "I unequivocally advocate" and "I firmly contend" reinforce the author’s position. However, the transition between discussing both views could be smoother to enhance clarity.
- How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the author could use transitional phrases more effectively when shifting between the two perspectives. For instance, explicitly stating the limitations of the opposing view before presenting the supportive argument would create a more cohesive flow and reinforce the author’s position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, particularly in the second paragraph where it discusses the role of education in promoting healthy eating habits. The use of examples, such as children in developed countries opting for salads, adds credibility to the argument. However, the first paragraph could benefit from more detailed support for the claim that advertisements negatively impact children’s health.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the author should aim to provide more specific examples or statistics in the first paragraph. For instance, mentioning specific studies or data on the impact of junk food advertising on children’s health would strengthen the argument and provide a more robust foundation for the claims made.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic of junk food consumption and the role of education throughout. Each paragraph addresses relevant aspects of the prompt without deviating into unrelated areas. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reiterates the author’s position.
- How to improve: While the essay stays on topic, the author should ensure that all examples directly relate to the argument being made. For instance, the mention of governmental actions in response to advertising could be more tightly linked to the educational argument to maintain focus. Ensuring that every example serves to reinforce the main argument will enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. By addressing the suggested areas for improvement, the author could elevate their score even further.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction that outlines the topic and states the writer’s position. Each paragraph addresses a distinct viewpoint regarding the role of education in combating junk food consumption. For example, the first body paragraph discusses the negative impact of junk food advertisements, while the second paragraph emphasizes the importance of education in promoting healthy eating habits. However, the logical progression between ideas could be improved, as some transitions between sentences and paragraphs feel abrupt, which can disrupt the flow of information.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer could use clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to signal the main idea. Additionally, employing transitional phrases such as "Furthermore," "In contrast," or "Moreover" can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly. For instance, after discussing the negative impact of advertisements, a transition could be added to introduce the educational perspective more seamlessly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is essential for clarity. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the discussion, which helps the reader follow the argument. However, the second body paragraph is quite lengthy and contains multiple ideas that could be better organized into smaller, more focused paragraphs. This can make it challenging for the reader to digest the information presented.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, the writer could break down the second body paragraph into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on the role of teachers and parents in educating children about healthy eating, and another discussing the impact of educational materials like videos and posters. This would make the argument clearer and allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," which effectively signal contrasting viewpoints. Additionally, phrases like "for example" and "as a result" help to connect ideas and provide clarity. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where repetition occurs, which can detract from the overall cohesion of the essay.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer could incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "for example," alternatives such as "for instance," "to illustrate," or "as an illustration" could be employed. Furthermore, using more complex cohesive devices, such as "not only… but also" or "despite this," can enhance the sophistication of the writing and improve the overall flow of ideas.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, there are areas for improvement in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested strategies, the writer can enhance the clarity and effectiveness of their argument, potentially achieving a higherband score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, utilizing terms such as "pernicious repercussion," "meticulously discuss," and "detrimental effect." This variety shows an ability to express complex ideas effectively. However, some phrases, like "the loose regulations related to ads of junk food," could be simplified for clarity, as they may come across as overly convoluted.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer could incorporate more synonyms and varied expressions to avoid repetition. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "junk food," consider alternatives like "unhealthy snacks" or "processed foods." Additionally, integrating more idiomatic expressions could enrich the language further.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay includes some precise vocabulary, such as "advocacy," "alleviating," and "nourishing good food-consuming habits." However, there are instances of imprecise usage, such as "the undue exposure to junk food," which could be better articulated as "excessive exposure to junk food." The phrase "appealing advertisements associated with junk food" could also be misleading, as it implies that the advertisements themselves are appealing rather than their content.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and accuracy in word choice. For example, instead of "bewitched by vivid images," a more precise phrase could be "enticed by colorful advertisements." Regularly reviewing and practicing vocabulary in context can help refine this aspect.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a strong command of spelling, with no noticeable errors in the majority of the text. Words like "meticulously," "advocacy," and "pernicious" are spelled correctly, reflecting a good level of proficiency. However, the phrase "the steeply escalating tendency" could be simplified to "the steep increase," which would also enhance clarity.
- How to improve: To maintain and improve spelling accuracy, the writer should continue to proofread their work carefully. Utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools can also be beneficial. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or flashcards can reinforce correct spelling habits.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of lexical resource, achieving a band score of 7. By focusing on enhancing vocabulary range, precision in word choice, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving a higher score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and some use of passive voice. For example, phrases like "it is widely debated that" and "this essay endeavors to meticulously discuss" showcase an attempt to employ varied grammatical forms. However, there are instances where the sentence structures could be more varied or simplified for clarity, such as "the educational environment is liable to be of paramount significance" which could be rephrased for better readability.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer could incorporate more compound sentences and conditional clauses. For instance, using more "if…then" structures could help in presenting hypothetical scenarios more effectively. Additionally, varying the use of introductory phrases and transitions can help create a more dynamic flow in the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some noticeable errors and awkward constructions. For example, the phrase "the loose regulations related to ads of junk food in Malaysia in recent years have given rise to the steeply escalating tendency" is overly complex and could be simplified for clarity. Additionally, the use of "shall" in "children shall be bewitched" is somewhat archaic and may not fit the modern context of the essay. Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are instances where commas could enhance readability, such as before "for instance" and "accordingly."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on simplifying complex sentences and ensuring that verb tenses are consistent throughout the essay. It would also be beneficial to review the use of modal verbs, opting for more contemporary alternatives like "will" or "might" instead of "shall." Regular practice with grammar exercises and reading high-quality essays can also help in identifying common errors and improving overall accuracy.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on simplifying complex structures and ensuring grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely acknowledged that education might resolve the issue of junk food consumed excessively by citizens, while others claim that this approach may be futile. This essay aims to thoroughly examine both views and elucidate the rationale for my advocacy of the former.

On the one hand, some contend that attractive advertisements associated with junk food are likely to have harmful consequences on children, even though they could learn nutritious theories or lessons at school. Given the countless such advertisements on the Internet and television, children are likely to be influenced by vivid images, leading them to spend a significant amount of money on purchasing this type of food. For example, the loose regulations related to junk food ads in Malaysia in recent years have resulted in a rapidly increasing trend in the number of patients contracting obesity due to excessive exposure to junk food. Consequently, relevant governmental agencies might allocate state budgets for constructing more hospitals and restrict the excessive proliferation of these advertisements with the objective of addressing this issue.

On the other hand, I unequivocally advocate that the educational environment is of paramount significance for alleviating excessive consumption of junk food. Undoubtedly, not only do teachers and parents disseminate information about how such foods exert a detrimental effect on physical well-being, but they also instruct successive generations on alternative options to nourish good food-consuming habits from an early age. Numerous children from developed nations such as America, Canada, and France, for instance, opt for salads over junk food, including snacks and candies, due to parental involvement and a deeper understanding of the disadvantages of junk food, which can trigger chronic diseases, cardiovascular ailments, or obesity through videos and posters in their schools. In light of this, education plays an intrinsic role in raising awareness among young generations, thereby reducing individuals’ susceptibility to illness. As a result, citizens are more likely to experience fewer health problems, which in turn would contribute to longer, healthier lives and an overall improved sense of well-being.

In conclusion, despite the fact that a decline in advertisements might mitigate the phenomenon of excessive consumption of junk food, I firmly contend that the role of education by parents and teachers should not be overlooked.