smoking

smoking

Nowadays, smoking cigarettes is a controversial issue worldwide. And today i am going to present about the effects we might have if continued smoking. People smoke whenever they feel stressed or tired, and that can bring them temporary happiness. But the side effects are being built up as well as that process, and it cause anxiety and irritability. Not only that, smoking is also a factor for lung cancer and heart disease, this is because it contains a lot of chemical substances like dioxin, sulfur dioxide,…and that affects negatively to our health. And not only to our bodies, friends, family and relatives expose to gases can increase the risk of miscarriage, asthma and ear infections. Last but not least, wrinkly skins and diabetes are the symptoms that can be easily found when people tend to smoke everyday. Due to the fact that it reduces blood flow and increases the amount of insulin resistance in the body. In conclusion, i hope this essay will enhance people's awareness about smoking cigarettes, vapes and pods.Nowadays, smoking cigarettes is a controversial issue worldwide. And today i am going to present about the effects we might have if continued smoking. People smoke whenever they feel stressed or tired, and that can bring them temporary happiness. But the side effects are being built up as well as that process, and it cause anxiety and irritability. Not only that, smoking is also a factor for lung cancer and heart disease, this is because it contains a lot of chemical substances like dioxin, sulfur dioxide,…and that affects negatively to our health. And not only to our bodies, friends, family and relatives expose to gases can increase the risk of miscarriage, asthma and ear infections. Last but not least, wrinkly skins and diabetes are the symptoms that can be easily found when people tend to smoke everyday. Due to the fact that it reduces blood flow and increases the amount of insulin resistance in the body. In conclusion, i hope this essay will enhance people's awareness about smoking cigarettes, vapes and pods.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Nowadays, smoking cigarettes is a controversial issue worldwide." -> "Currently, cigarette smoking is a globally contentious issue."
   Explanation: Replacing "Nowadays" with "Currently" and "smoking cigarettes" with "cigarette smoking" enhances the formality and specificity of the statement. "Controversial" is also more precise than "controversial issue," which is redundant.

2. "And today i am going to present about the effects we might have if continued smoking." -> "Today, I will discuss the potential effects of continued smoking."
   Explanation: Changing "And today i am going to present about" to "Today, I will discuss" corrects the grammatical error and improves the formality. "Continued smoking" is more precise than "if continued smoking."

3. "People smoke whenever they feel stressed or tired, and that can bring them temporary happiness." -> "Individuals often smoke when they feel stressed or tired, which can provide temporary relief."
   Explanation: Replacing "People" with "Individuals" and "bring them temporary happiness" with "provide temporary relief" refines the language to be more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquialism "bring them."

4. "But the side effects are being built up as well as that process, and it cause anxiety and irritability." -> "However, the cumulative effects of this process also contribute to anxiety and irritability."
   Explanation: Replacing "But" with "However" and "it cause" with "contribute to" corrects the grammatical error and enhances the formal tone. "Cumulative effects" is a more precise term than "side effects are being built up."

5. "Not only that, smoking is also a factor for lung cancer and heart disease, this is because it contains a lot of chemical substances like dioxin, sulfur dioxide,…and that affects negatively to our health." -> "Furthermore, smoking is also a contributing factor to lung cancer and heart disease, primarily due to the presence of substances such as dioxin and sulfur dioxide, which negatively impact our health."
   Explanation: Replacing "Not only that" with "Furthermore" and "this is because" with "primarily due to" improves the flow and formality of the sentence. "Substances such as" is more precise than "a lot of chemical substances like," and "negatively impact" is more formal than "affects negatively to."

6. "And not only to our bodies, friends, family and relatives expose to gases can increase the risk of miscarriage, asthma and ear infections." -> "Moreover, exposure to these gases not only affects our bodies but also increases the risk of miscarriage, asthma, and ear infections for our friends, family, and relatives."
   Explanation: Changing "And not only to our bodies, friends, family and relatives expose to gases" to "Moreover, exposure to these gases not only affects our bodies but also" corrects the grammatical structure and enhances clarity. "Increases the risk of" is more precise than "can increase the risk of."

7. "wrinkly skins and diabetes are the symptoms that can be easily found when people tend to smoke everyday." -> "wrinkled skin and diabetes are common symptoms observed in individuals who smoke regularly."
   Explanation: Replacing "wrinkly skins" with "wrinkled skin" corrects the plural to singular and the adjective to noun. "Common symptoms observed in individuals who smoke regularly" is more formal and precise than "symptoms that can be easily found when people tend to smoke everyday."

8. "Due to the fact that it reduces blood flow and increases the amount of insulin resistance in the body." -> "This is because it reduces blood flow and increases insulin resistance in the body."
   Explanation: Replacing "Due to the fact that" with "This is because" simplifies and clarifies the sentence structure, making it more direct and formal.

9. "i hope this essay will enhance people’s awareness about smoking cigarettes, vapes and pods." -> "I hope this essay will increase awareness among individuals about cigarette smoking, vaping, and e-cigarette use."
   Explanation: Changing "i" to "I" corrects the capitalization, and "enhance people’s awareness about" to "increase awareness among individuals about" refines the language to be more formal and inclusive. "Cigarette smoking, vaping, and e-cigarette use" is a more precise and comprehensive list of substances discussed.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the topic of smoking by discussing its effects on health and the well-being of both smokers and those around them. It mentions various health issues associated with smoking, such as lung cancer, heart disease, and other ailments. However, the essay does not fully explore the broader implications of smoking, such as societal impacts, economic costs, or potential solutions to the smoking epidemic. The introduction states that smoking is a controversial issue, but the essay does not delve into the controversy or present differing viewpoints.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay should include a more comprehensive exploration of the topic. This could involve discussing the societal implications of smoking, such as public health policies, smoking bans, or the role of education in reducing smoking rates. Additionally, addressing counterarguments or alternative perspectives on smoking could provide a more balanced view.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance against smoking, emphasizing its negative health effects. However, the position could be more consistently articulated throughout the essay. For instance, the introduction could more clearly state the writer’s position on smoking, rather than simply presenting it as a controversial issue. The conclusion reiterates the negative effects but lacks a strong call to action or a definitive statement about the writer’s stance.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should explicitly state their viewpoint in the introduction and reinforce it throughout the essay. Using phrases like "I believe" or "It is clear that" can help clarify the writer’s stance. Additionally, the conclusion should summarize the main points and include a strong statement that reflects the writer’s position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the effects of smoking, such as health risks and social implications. However, the development of these ideas is somewhat limited. For example, while it mentions that smoking can lead to anxiety and irritability, it does not provide specific examples or evidence to support these claims. The essay also repeats certain phrases and ideas, which detracts from the overall development of the argument.
  • How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to provide specific examples, statistics, or studies that bolster their claims. For instance, citing research on the health effects of smoking or including personal anecdotes could make the argument more compelling. Additionally, avoiding repetition and ensuring that each point is distinct and well-developed will enhance the overall quality of the essay.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the effects of smoking. However, there are moments where the writing becomes somewhat repetitive, particularly in the introduction and conclusion, which both reiterate similar points about the effects of smoking without adding new information. This could lead to a perception of drifting off-topic, as the reader may expect a more varied exploration of the subject.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that each paragraph introduces a new aspect of the topic rather than repeating previous points. Structuring the essay with clear topic sentences for each paragraph can help guide the reader and keep the discussion on track. Additionally, integrating transitional phrases can help connect ideas and maintain coherence throughout the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear position, there are areas for improvement in depth, development, and focus that could elevate the score further.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the effects of smoking, which is a strong point. However, the organization of ideas lacks a coherent structure. The introduction states the topic but does not clearly outline the main points that will be discussed. The body paragraphs jump between ideas without a clear progression, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument. For example, the discussion of health effects is mixed with psychological effects without a clear transition or categorization.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should begin with a clear thesis statement in the introduction that outlines the main points to be discussed. Each paragraph should focus on a single idea, starting with a topic sentence that introduces the main point of that paragraph. Logical connectors such as "firstly," "secondly," and "finally" can help guide the reader through the argument.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks effective paragraphing, as it appears to be a single block of text rather than distinct paragraphs. This makes it challenging to identify where one idea ends and another begins. For instance, the transition from discussing the psychological effects of smoking to the physical health risks is abrupt and lacks a separate paragraph to delineate these two aspects.
  • How to improve: The writer should divide the essay into clear paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of smoking. For example, one paragraph could address the psychological effects, another could discuss the health risks, and a final paragraph could cover the social implications. Each paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence and include supporting details.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "not only…but also" and "due to the fact that." However, the overall range of cohesive devices is limited, and some phrases are awkwardly constructed, which affects the flow of the text. For example, the phrase "this is because it contains a lot of chemical substances" could be more smoothly integrated into the sentence.
  • How to improve: To improve cohesion, the writer should incorporate a wider variety of cohesive devices, such as linking words (e.g., "however," "furthermore," "in addition") and pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned ideas. Additionally, ensuring that sentences flow logically from one to the next will enhance the overall coherence of the essay. Practicing the use of transitional phrases can also help create smoother connections between ideas.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic and presents relevant information, improvements in organization, paragraphing, and the use of cohesive devices are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some attempt to use a variety of vocabulary related to the topic of smoking, such as "controversial issue," "temporary happiness," "side effects," and "chemical substances." However, the range is limited, and there are instances of repetition, particularly with phrases like "smoking cigarettes" and "effects we might have if continued smoking." The vocabulary used does not fully capture the complexity of the topic, which could enhance the argument.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate more varied and sophisticated vocabulary. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "smoking," they could use synonyms like "tobacco use" or "cigarette consumption." Additionally, using more precise terms related to health effects, such as "cardiovascular diseases" instead of just "heart disease," would enhance the lexical range.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "the side effects are being built up as well as that process," which is vague and unclear. The phrase "affects negatively to our health" is also awkward; it should be "negatively affects our health." The use of "wrinkly skins" is incorrect; it should be "wrinkled skin." These inaccuracies can confuse the reader and detract from the overall clarity of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. For example, instead of "being built up," they could say "accumulate over time." Additionally, practicing sentence structure and grammar will help in using vocabulary correctly. Engaging with more academic texts on smoking could provide exposure to more precise language.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, including "i" instead of "I" and "cause" instead of "causes." The phrase "wrinkly skins" is also a spelling error in context, as it should be singular. These errors indicate a lack of attention to detail and can undermine the credibility of the writing.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, practicing spelling of commonly used academic vocabulary related to health and smoking can enhance overall spelling skills.

In summary, while the essay shows some understanding of the topic and attempts to use relevant vocabulary, there are significant areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By focusing on expanding vocabulary, using words more accurately, and ensuring correct spelling, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and overall essay quality.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, but it predominantly relies on simple and compound sentences. For example, sentences like "People smoke whenever they feel stressed or tired, and that can bring them temporary happiness" show a basic compound structure. However, more complex structures, such as relative clauses or conditional sentences, are largely absent. The repetition of phrases and sentence beginnings, such as "And today I am going to present about…" and "Not only that," detracts from the overall range and sophistication of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences. For instance, using conditional clauses (e.g., "If people continue to smoke, they may face serious health risks") or relative clauses (e.g., "Smoking, which is known to cause various diseases, should be avoided") can add depth. Additionally, varying sentence openings and avoiding repetitive phrases will contribute to a more engaging and diverse writing style.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity and coherence. For example, "it cause anxiety and irritability" should be "it causes anxiety and irritability." The use of "that affects negatively to our health" is awkward; a more appropriate phrasing would be "that negatively affects our health." Furthermore, punctuation errors, such as the lack of commas in compound sentences and the incorrect use of ellipses, hinder readability. The sentence "And not only to our bodies, friends, family and relatives expose to gases can increase the risk of miscarriage, asthma and ear infections" is also poorly structured and lacks proper punctuation.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, ensuring that verbs match their subjects in number (e.g., "it causes" instead of "it cause"). Additionally, practicing the correct use of punctuation, particularly in compound and complex sentences, will enhance clarity. The writer should also consider revising awkward phrases for smoother readability. Regular grammar exercises and seeking feedback on written work can further aid in improving grammatical accuracy.

Overall, while the essay presents relevant ideas about smoking, addressing the identified weaknesses in grammatical range and accuracy will significantly enhance the quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Today, smoking cigarettes is a globally contentious issue. In this essay, I will discuss the potential effects of continued smoking. Individuals often smoke when they feel stressed or tired, which can provide temporary relief. However, the cumulative effects of this process also contribute to anxiety and irritability. Furthermore, smoking is a significant factor in the development of lung cancer and heart disease, primarily due to the presence of harmful substances such as dioxin and sulfur dioxide, which negatively impact our health. Moreover, exposure to these gases not only affects our bodies but also increases the risk of miscarriage, asthma, and ear infections for our friends, family, and relatives. Last but not least, wrinkled skin and diabetes are common symptoms observed in individuals who smoke regularly. This is because smoking reduces blood flow and increases insulin resistance in the body. In conclusion, I hope this essay will raise awareness among individuals about cigarette smoking, vaping, and e-cigarette use.