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Some argue that music mainly serves as a way for individuals to reduce their stress and anxiety. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some argue that music mainly serves as a way for individuals to reduce their stress and anxiety. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Not only has music always been an integral part of human culture , but also an effective remedy to treat mental illness such as stress and anxiety. In my opinion, although this is the key purpose, I believe there are more functions of music.
To begin with, research has shown that music can improve our physical and mental health by helping to reduce blood pressure, alleviate stress. As a result, our body releases a considerable amount of dopamine which affects our mood and sense of happiness. Each type of music has a different effect on our emotions and body. For instance, faster music can make you feel more alert and concentrate better while upbeat music has the ability to make you feel more optimistic and positive about life. A slower tempo can quiet your mind and relax your muscles.
However, music also serves other purposes with more influence on people. First, it is one of the means of communication. Music gives you the opportunity to tell your story in a different way. Composers usually interpret their messages through lyrics so that other people can feel empathetic. In addition, music can also be used as a tool to aid in memory recall. For example, songs and melodies can provide a memory device to help children remember important information, such as the alphabet, numbers, or vocabulary words. Another illustration is a video of a ballet dancer suffering from memory loss gracefully dancing as she hears the music from Tchaikovsky's ballet Swan Lake. This video has shown the power of music's impact on people.
In conclusion, while some individuals just count music solely as a source of entertainment, I think that music surpasses therapy to serve as a way to communicate and cure other illnesses, making it an essential part of people's lives.
Not only has music always been an integral part of human culture , but also an effective remedy to treat mental illness such as stress and anxiety. In my opinion, although this is the key purpose, I believe there are more functions of music.
To begin with, research has shown that music can improve our physical and mental health by helping to reduce blood pressure, alleviate stress. As a result, our body releases a considerable amount of dopamine which affects our mood and sense of happiness. Each type of music has a different effect on our emotions and body. For instance, faster music can make you feel more alert and concentrate better while upbeat music has the ability to make you feel more optimistic and positive about life. A slower tempo can quiet your mind and relax your muscles.
However, music also serves other purposes with more influence on people. First, it is one of the means of communication. Music gives you the opportunity to tell your story in a different way. Composers usually interpret their messages through lyrics so that other people can feel empathetic. In addition, music can also be used as a tool to aid in memory recall. For example, songs and melodies can provide a memory device to help children remember important information, such as the alphabet, numbers, or vocabulary words. Another illustration is a video of a ballet dancer suffering from memory loss gracefully dancing as she hears the music from Tchaikovsky's ballet Swan Lake. This video has shown the power of music's impact on people.
In conclusion, while some individuals just count music solely as a source of entertainment, I think that music surpasses therapy to serve as a way to communicate and cure other illnesses, making it an essential part of people's lives.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Not only has music always been an integral part of human culture, but also an effective remedy to treat mental illness such as stress and anxiety." -> "Music has not only been an integral part of human culture but also serves as an effective remedy for mental illnesses, such as stress and anxiety."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence eliminates redundancy and streamlines the expression, adhering to a more concise and formal tone.

  2. "In my opinion, although this is the key purpose, I believe there are more functions of music." -> "In my view, while addressing mental health is a primary purpose, I contend that music serves additional functions."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains a formal tone by replacing "In my opinion" with the more academic "In my view" and rephrases to enhance clarity.

  3. "To begin with, research has shown that music can improve our physical and mental health by helping to reduce blood pressure, alleviate stress." -> "Firstly, studies indicate that music can enhance both our physical and mental well-being, contributing to the reduction of blood pressure and stress relief."
    Explanation: The suggested changes introduce a more formal transition ("Firstly") and use a more sophisticated vocabulary ("studies" instead of "research"), contributing to a more academic tone.

  4. "As a result, our body releases a considerable amount of dopamine which affects our mood and sense of happiness." -> "Consequently, our body releases a substantial amount of dopamine, influencing our mood and sense of well-being."
    Explanation: Replacing "considerable" with "substantial" and refining the sentence structure enhances formality without sacrificing clarity.

  5. "Each type of music has a different effect on our emotions and body." -> "Various genres of music elicit distinct effects on both our emotions and physiology."
    Explanation: The suggested changes introduce variety in vocabulary, making the expression more formal and precise.

  6. "For instance, faster music can make you feel more alert and concentrate better while upbeat music has the ability to make you feel more optimistic and positive about life." -> "For example, brisk tempos can enhance alertness and concentration, whereas lively music has the potential to evoke optimism and a positive outlook on life."
    Explanation: The revision uses more formal language and provides a nuanced description of the effects of different music tempos.

  7. "A slower tempo can quiet your mind and relax your muscles." -> "A slower tempo can induce mental tranquility and muscle relaxation."
    Explanation: The suggested changes replace colloquial expressions with more formal alternatives, contributing to an elevated academic tone.

  8. "However, music also serves other purposes with more influence on people." -> "Nevertheless, music serves additional purposes with significant impact on individuals."
    Explanation: The revision introduces a more formal transition ("Nevertheless") and replaces the informal "more influence on people" with the more precise "significant impact on individuals."

  9. "First, it is one of the means of communication." -> "Firstly, it serves as a mode of communication."
    Explanation: The suggested change enhances formality by replacing the informal "it is one of the means" with "it serves as a mode."

  10. "Composers usually interpret their messages through lyrics so that other people can feel empathetic." -> "Composers often convey their messages through lyrics to evoke empathy in listeners."
    Explanation: The revision uses a more formal expression ("convey" instead of "interpret") while maintaining clarity.

  11. "In addition, music can also be used as a tool to aid in memory recall." -> "Additionally, music can function as a tool to facilitate memory recall."
    Explanation: The suggested changes eliminate redundancy and employ more formal language, enhancing the academic tone.

  12. "Another illustration is a video of a ballet dancer suffering from memory loss gracefully dancing as she hears the music from Tchaikovsky’s ballet Swan Lake." -> "Another illustrative example involves a video portraying a ballet dancer gracefully dancing despite suffering from memory loss, inspired by the music from Tchaikovsky’s ballet Swan Lake."
    Explanation: The revised sentence provides a more detailed and formal description, contributing to a higher level of academic expression.

  13. "This video has shown the power of music’s impact on people." -> "This video exemplifies the profound impact of music on individuals."
    Explanation: The suggested change replaces colloquial language with a more formal alternative, elevating the academic tone.

  14. "Not only has music always been an integral part of human culture, but also an effective remedy to treat mental illness such as stress and anxiety." (Repeated at the end) -> Omit the repeated sentence.
    Explanation: The repetition of the opening sentence is unnecessary and can be omitted for conciseness.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the prompt by acknowledging the primary purpose of music as a stress and anxiety reducer. It also goes beyond this point, discussing additional functions of music, such as communication and aiding in memory recall.
    • How to improve: While the essay does well in addressing all parts, it could benefit from more explicit connection to the prompt throughout the essay. Ensure that each paragraph consistently ties back to the extent to which the author agrees or disagrees with the notion that music primarily serves as a stress and anxiety reducer.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position by stating that, although stress and anxiety reduction is a key purpose of music, the author believes there are more functions. This position is consistently maintained throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, consider reiterating the position in the introduction and conclusion. This will reinforce the stance for the reader and leave a lasting impression.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas effectively, providing examples and explanations for the various functions of music beyond stress and anxiety reduction. The use of examples, such as the impact of different music tempos on emotions, and the mention of the ballet dancer, enhances the depth of the argument.
    • How to improve: To further improve, consider providing more specific examples and evidence to support each function of music mentioned. This will strengthen the essay’s overall persuasiveness.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing various functions of music. However, there is some repetition in the concluding paragraph, and the essay could benefit from concise reiteration of the main points.
    • How to improve: Avoid unnecessary repetition, especially in the conclusion. Instead, use the conclusion to summarize the main points and restate the overall position on the role of music, tying it back to the prompt.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively develops a coherent argument with relevant examples. To improve, focus on maintaining explicit connections to the prompt throughout, reinforcing the position, providing more specific examples, and avoiding unnecessary repetition.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically. It starts with a clear introduction and progresses through supporting points and examples. The writer effectively discusses the physical and mental health benefits of music, followed by alternative functions like communication and memory recall. However, there is redundancy in the concluding paragraph, where the content is repeated. This affects the overall flow and coherence.

    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should avoid unnecessary repetition. Instead, focus on summarizing the main points concisely and emphasizing the broader significance of music. This will contribute to a smoother transition between paragraphs and create a more cohesive essay.

  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas and arguments. However, the structure within paragraphs could be more refined. Some paragraphs cover multiple ideas, leading to a lack of clarity. For instance, the second paragraph touches upon the health benefits of music but also delves into the different effects of various types of music. This dual focus within one paragraph disrupts the flow.

    • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, the writer should ensure each paragraph has a clear focus on a single main idea. For example, the health benefits of music could be discussed in one paragraph, while the impact of different music types on emotions could be a separate paragraph. This separation of ideas will enhance the overall coherence and readability.

  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay incorporates a variety of cohesive devices, including transition words and phrases like "to begin with" and "in addition." These help guide the reader through the different points. However, there is room for improvement in the use of pronouns and referencing. In some instances, repetition of phrases like "music can" affects the variety of language.

    • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, the writer can use pronouns more effectively and explore synonyms or alternative expressions. Additionally, careful use of referencing within and between sentences can reduce redundancy. For instance, instead of repeating "music can," the writer could substitute pronouns or rephrase sentences to maintain coherence without overusing specific terms.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied words, such as "integral," "remedy," "emotions," and "empathetic." However, there is a noticeable repetition of certain terms, like "music" and "illness," which limits the diversity of vocabulary.

    • How to improve: To enhance your score in this criterion, strive to incorporate a more extensive range of vocabulary. Synonyms and varied expressions can enrich your writing. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "music," consider alternatives such as "melody," "tunes," or "sonic compositions." Diversifying your vocabulary will elevate the quality of your essay.

  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays generally precise vocabulary. There is an apt use of words like "integral," "empathetic," and "therapeutic." However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more specific. For example, the term "mental illness" could be specified to stress and anxiety, providing a more nuanced and precise description.

    • How to improve: Aim for more precision in your choice of words. Instead of using broad terms like "mental illness," specify the exact conditions being discussed, such as "stress disorders" or "anxiety disorders." This precision will convey a more accurate and nuanced understanding of the topic.

  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. Most words are spelled correctly, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. However, there are a few instances of repetitive phrases, such as the repeated paragraph towards the end, which affect the overall quality of the writing.

    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, carefully proofread your essay. Pay attention to repeated content and ensure that each paragraph is unique and contributes distinct ideas to the essay. Additionally, consider using tools like spell-check to catch any overlooked errors and enhance the overall clarity of your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of sentence structures. There is an attempt to use varied sentence lengths, including simple and complex structures. However, the essay tends to rely on simple sentence structures more frequently. For instance, the repetition of the introductory sentence at the beginning and end of the essay diminishes variety. Additionally, more complex sentence structures, such as compound and compound-complex sentences, could be incorporated to enhance fluency and coherence.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating complex sentences with subordinate clauses. Vary the lengths of sentences to create a smoother flow. For example, instead of relying on simple sentences, experiment with combining ideas using conjunctions and transitions.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay maintains a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances of grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues (e.g., "Not only has music always been an integral part of human culture, but also an effective remedy…") and punctuation errors (e.g., missing commas in a series of ideas, inconsistent use of capitalization in the sentence "As a result, our body releases…"). These errors, while not pervasive, slightly hinder the clarity of expression.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, ensuring consistency throughout the essay. Review the use of commas in lists and complex sentences. Also, consistently apply capitalization rules, especially in formal contexts. Proofreading can help identify and correct these specific issues.

In conclusion, while the essay displays competence in grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and addressing occasional grammatical errors. These enhancements will contribute to a more polished and refined piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Music has always been a fundamental aspect of human culture, serving not only as an effective remedy for mental illnesses like stress and anxiety but also fulfilling various other roles. While addressing mental health concerns remains a primary purpose, I firmly contend that music possesses additional functions.

First and foremost, research indicates that music can enhance both physical and mental well-being, contributing to the reduction of blood pressure and stress relief. Consequently, our bodies release a substantial amount of dopamine, influencing our mood and overall sense of well-being. It is noteworthy that various genres of music elicit distinct effects on both our emotions and physiology. For instance, brisk tempos can enhance alertness and concentration, while lively music has the potential to evoke optimism and a positive outlook on life. Conversely, a slower tempo can induce mental tranquility and muscle relaxation.

However, music serves beyond its impact on mental health. Primarily, it functions as a mode of communication. Composers often convey their messages through lyrics to evoke empathy in listeners, providing a unique and powerful means of storytelling. Additionally, music serves as a tool to facilitate memory recall. A compelling example involves a video portraying a ballet dancer gracefully dancing despite suffering from memory loss, inspired by the music from Tchaikovsky’s ballet Swan Lake. This example vividly illustrates the profound impact of music on individuals, showcasing its ability to transcend traditional therapeutic boundaries.

In conclusion, although some view music solely as a source of entertainment, I maintain that it surpasses therapy by serving as a versatile tool for communication and addressing various illnesses. Music’s essential role in human lives extends beyond stress relief, making it an indispensable aspect of our cultural and emotional experiences.

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