Some believe that people today have no interest in maintaining the traditional culture of their country or region. Others believe that it is still important to people that we preserve a traditional way of life. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Some believe that people today have no interest in maintaining the traditional culture of their country or region. Others believe that it is still important to people that we preserve a traditional way of life.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Due to globalization, the trend of the new technology has taken the space of local culture. Almost people think that wasting time on traditional cultural is not good. Many people who are not interested in maintaining traditional culture while others think it is important to create unique features for culture. These controversial perspectives will be analysed in this essay
First and foremost, many countries’culture is subjected to modification which has some causes. To begin with, many people’s awareness has changed who are not accept old ideas and they are trying to elimate from their enriched culture. these could be actions that make them feel uncomfortable or stereotyped. For instance, in the past, women had to stay at home and were educated or had the right to make decisions , while the men had to be the breadwinner and have important positions. A lot of people have no interest in maintaining the traditional culture of their country because they see unfair . especially , there are many negative effects caused to many people
On the other hand, the global impact is becoming one of the things which can not hold back, proponents of preserving traditional culture argue that it plays role in maintaining a identity and heritage. It is necessary that next teenagers will become a deeper understanding about their roots or long history of development. For examples, in the parada to establish the 70th anniversary of the Dien Bien Phu victory, all classes of people joined forces , were solemn , and pround of the country’s heroic tradition. In addition , traditional culture reflects the beliefs and wisdom of previous generation . at the same time , traditional culture have been developed and preserved , so it can solve modern problems and reinforce many values. More and more people choose to preserve traditional culture in order to affirm the country’s unique beauty
In conclusion, while individuals can not avoid globalization or strongly affects from debate surrounding , it is crucial to recognize the development of traditional cultures. Striking a balance between trend of the times and preserve traditions culture
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Errors and Improvements:
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"Almost people think that wasting time on traditional cultural is not good."
-> "The majority of people believe that investing time in traditional cultural pursuits is not beneficial."
Explanation: "Almost people" lacks precision and sounds informal. "The majority of people" provides a more formal and precise expression. "Wasting time on traditional cultural" should be revised to "investing time in traditional cultural pursuits" for clarity and formality. -
"Many people who are not interested in maintaining traditional culture while others think it is important to create unique features for culture."
-> "Many individuals disregard the importance of preserving traditional culture, while others advocate for the creation of unique cultural features."
Explanation: The phrase "who are not interested in maintaining traditional culture" can be replaced with "disregard the importance of preserving traditional culture" for clarity and formality. "Think it is important to create unique features for culture" can be rephrased as "advocate for the creation of unique cultural features" for better clarity and formality. -
"These controversial perspectives will be analysed in this essay"
-> "This essay will analyze these controversial perspectives."
Explanation: Simplifying "will be analysed" to "will analyze" maintains clarity and conciseness, which is more appropriate for academic writing. -
"many countries’culture is subjected to modification which has some causes."
-> "The culture of many countries undergoes modifications due to various causes."
Explanation: "Subjected to modification which has some causes" can be revised to "undergoes modifications due to various causes" for better clarity and formality. -
"many people’s awareness has changed who are not accept old ideas"
-> "Many people’s perceptions have shifted, leading to a rejection of outdated ideas."
Explanation: "Awareness has changed who are not accept old ideas" is awkward and lacks clarity. "Perceptions have shifted, leading to a rejection of outdated ideas" provides a clearer and more formal expression. -
"trying to elimate from their enriched culture."
-> "attempting to eliminate elements from their rich culture."
Explanation: "Trying to eliminate from their enriched culture" is grammatically incorrect. "Attempting to eliminate elements from their rich culture" offers a clearer and more formal alternative. -
"A lot of people have no interest in maintaining the traditional culture of their country because they see unfair."
-> "Many individuals lack interest in preserving their country’s traditional culture due to perceived injustices."
Explanation: "A lot of people" can be replaced with "Many individuals" for a more formal tone. "See unfair" should be revised to "perceived injustices" for clarity and formality. -
"the global impact is becoming one of the things which can not hold back"
-> "The global impact is an unstoppable force."
Explanation: "Is becoming one of the things which can not hold back" is awkward and unclear. "An unstoppable force" provides a clearer and more concise expression. -
"It is necessary that next teenagers will become a deeper understanding about their roots or long history of development."
-> "It is imperative for future generations to develop a deeper understanding of their roots and long history of development."
Explanation: "Next teenagers will become a deeper understanding" is grammatically incorrect. "Future generations" is a more formal term. "Develop a deeper understanding" is clearer than "will become a deeper understanding." -
"traditional culture reflects the beliefs and wisdom of previous generation"
-> "Traditional culture reflects the beliefs and wisdom of previous generations."
Explanation: "Previous generation" should be pluralized to "previous generations" to maintain grammatical correctness. -
"traditional culture have been developed and preserved"
-> "traditional culture has been developed and preserved"
Explanation: "Traditional culture" is singular, so "has" should be used instead of "have." -
"Striking a balance between trend of the times and preserve traditions culture"
-> "Striking a balance between contemporary trends and the preservation of traditional culture."
Explanation: "Trend of the times" can be simplified to "contemporary trends" for clarity and conciseness. "Preserve traditions culture" should be revised to "preservation of traditional culture" for grammatical correctness and clarity.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both sides of the argument by discussing the viewpoints of those who believe traditional culture is losing importance due to globalization and those who advocate for its preservation. However, the analysis lacks depth and clarity. While the essay acknowledges the existence of both perspectives, it fails to thoroughly explore the reasons behind each viewpoint and their implications. Additionally, the personal opinion is not clearly stated.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide a more thorough analysis of both viewpoints, with specific examples and explanations to support each argument. Clearly state the personal opinion in the introduction and ensure it is consistently supported throughout the essay.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to present a clear position by acknowledging both perspectives and ultimately advocating for the preservation of traditional culture. However, the stance is somewhat muddled due to unclear transitions and lack of explicit statement of personal opinion. While the conclusion suggests a leaning towards preserving traditional culture, it could be strengthened by reinforcing the stance taken throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, ensure that the position taken is explicitly stated in the introduction and maintained throughout the essay. Use clear transitions between paragraphs to guide the reader and reinforce the chosen stance in the conclusion.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding the decline of traditional culture due to globalization and the importance of preserving it, but lacks depth in elaboration and support. Examples provided are somewhat vague and lack specificity, making it difficult for the reader to fully grasp the argument. Additionally, some points are not fully developed, leading to a lack of coherence in the essay’s overall argumentation.
- How to improve: To improve, provide specific and concrete examples to support each argument. Ensure that each idea is fully developed and supported with relevant evidence or reasoning. Strengthen coherence by connecting ideas logically and providing transitions between paragraphs.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the importance of preserving traditional culture in the face of globalization. However, there are instances where the discussion strays from the main topic or lacks clarity, such as the brief mention of gender roles without clear relevance to the overall argument.
- How to improve: To stay more focused on the topic, avoid introducing tangential points that do not directly contribute to the main argument. Ensure that each paragraph and example provided directly relates to the central theme of preserving traditional culture in the modern world.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a coherent structure overall, with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both perspectives, and a conclusion. However, there are some instances where the flow of ideas could be improved. For example, the transition between the introduction and the body paragraphs could be smoother to better guide the reader into the main discussion. Additionally, within paragraphs, there are moments where the connection between sentences feels abrupt, detracting from the overall logical organization.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider refining the introduction to provide a clearer roadmap for the essay. Each body paragraph should begin with a topic sentence that directly relates to the essay prompt and previous paragraphs, facilitating a smooth transition between ideas. Furthermore, ensure that there is coherence within paragraphs by using linking words and phrases to connect ideas seamlessly.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs to separate different points of discussion, but there are areas where the structure could be improved for greater effectiveness. While there is an attempt to separate ideas into paragraphs, they are not consistently focused or developed. For instance, the second paragraph seems to cover multiple points without clear delineation, leading to confusion for the reader.
- How to improve: Focus on creating well-defined paragraphs, each centered around a single main idea or argument. Ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that previews the content to follow. Additionally, provide sufficient supporting details and examples within each paragraph to strengthen the argument and maintain coherence.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices to connect ideas, such as transition words like "first and foremost," "on the other hand," and "in conclusion." However, there is limited variety in the types of cohesive devices employed, and some transitions feel abrupt or forced. Additionally, there are instances where the connection between ideas could be strengthened for smoother coherence.
- How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices utilized to include a variety of transition words, pronouns, and other linking phrases. Aim for more natural transitions between sentences and paragraphs to guide the reader through the essay seamlessly. Practice incorporating cohesive devices in a way that enhances clarity and cohesion without disrupting the flow of ideas.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, there is room for improvement in terms of enhancing logical organization, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices. By implementing these suggestions, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, leading to a more effective communication of ideas.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with attempts to use various words and phrases. However, there are instances where the choice of vocabulary could be more precise and idiomatic. For example, phrases like "many people’s awareness has changed who are not accept old ideas" could be improved for clarity and accuracy.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, focus on using precise terms that convey meaning effectively. Instead of "many people’s awareness has changed who are not accept old ideas," consider phrases like "many individuals’ perspectives have evolved to reject outdated norms." Reading more diverse materials can also expose you to new vocabulary.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally struggles with precision in vocabulary usage. Some phrases lack clarity or are not idiomatic, such as "a lot of people have no interest in maintaining the traditional culture of their country because they see unfair."
- How to improve: Aim for more precise and idiomatic vocabulary. For example, replace "a lot of people" with "many individuals" or "a significant portion of society." Instead of "see unfair," use "perceive as unjust." Using synonyms can also help in expressing ideas with greater precision.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is a concern in this essay. There are several instances of misspellings or typographical errors, such as "parada" (parade), "elimate" (eliminate), and "pround" (proud).
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell-check tools or proofreading carefully before submission. Paying close attention to common spelling mistakes and practicing with spelling exercises can also be beneficial.
Overall, this essay demonstrates a solid vocabulary range but would benefit from more precise vocabulary usage and improved spelling accuracy. Focus on expanding your vocabulary through reading and practice, aiming for clarity and precision in expressing your ideas. Additionally, prioritize improving spelling accuracy through consistent practice and the use of available tools.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and sophistication of structures used. Simple sentences dominate the essay, which can make the writing feel repetitive and lacking in complexity. For instance, there is a tendency to start many sentences with "Many people" or "For example," which can hinder the flow of ideas and limit the essay’s effectiveness in engaging the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance the essay’s effectiveness, the writer should aim to diversify their sentence structures. This can be achieved by incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as using subordinate clauses, participial phrases, and gerund phrases. Varying sentence lengths and structures not only adds sophistication to the writing but also helps maintain the reader’s interest. Additionally, the writer should pay attention to transitions between ideas to ensure coherence and smooth flow throughout the essay.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a range of grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies throughout the text. These errors include subject-verb agreement issues ("many people’s awareness has changed who are not accept old ideas"), incorrect verb tense usage ("proponents of preserving traditional culture argue that it plays role"), and punctuation errors (missing commas in compound sentences, misuse of punctuation marks). Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing and unclear sentence structures that affect the clarity of the writer’s message.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, the writer should focus on revising and editing their essay carefully. It’s essential to pay attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper punctuation usage. Proofreading the essay multiple times can help identify and correct these errors. Additionally, seeking feedback from peers or teachers can provide valuable insights into areas that need improvement. Practicing writing in English regularly and studying grammar rules can also contribute to improving overall language proficiency.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates some strengths in addressing the prompt and presenting arguments, there is room for improvement in both the variety of sentence structures used and the accuracy of grammar and punctuation. By focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammar and punctuation skills, the writer can elevate the quality of their writing and achieve a higher band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criterion.
Bài sửa mẫu
Due to globalization, the influx of new technology has overshadowed local cultures. The prevailing notion is that investing time in traditional cultural pursuits is not beneficial. Many individuals disregard the importance of preserving traditional culture, while others advocate for the creation of unique cultural features. This essay will analyze these controversial perspectives.
First and foremost, the culture of many countries undergoes modifications due to various causes. Many people’s perceptions have shifted, leading to a rejection of outdated ideas, and attempting to eliminate elements from their rich culture. These changes may stem from actions that make them feel uncomfortable or stereotyped. For instance, in the past, women were confined to domestic roles and lacked access to education or decision-making authority, while men were expected to be the breadwinners and hold positions of importance. Consequently, a lot of people lack interest in preserving their country’s traditional culture due to perceived injustices, especially considering the negative effects experienced by many.
On the other hand, the global impact is an unstoppable force. Proponents of preserving traditional culture argue that it plays a crucial role in maintaining identity and heritage. It is imperative for future generations to develop a deeper understanding of their roots and long history of development. For example, during the parade commemorating the 70th anniversary of the Dien Bien Phu victory, people from all walks of life came together, demonstrating solemnity and pride in the country’s heroic tradition. Additionally, traditional culture reflects the beliefs and wisdom of previous generations. Traditional culture has been developed and preserved, enabling it to address modern problems and reinforce enduring values. Consequently, more and more people are choosing to preserve traditional culture to affirm the country’s unique beauty.
In conclusion, while individuals cannot avoid the impact of globalization or the debates surrounding it, it is crucial to recognize the importance of developing and preserving traditional cultures. Striking a balance between contemporary trends and the preservation of traditional culture is essential for maintaining cultural richness and diversity.
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