Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case ? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones.
Why is this the case ? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

There are some opinions that young peoples spend almost their time to using smartphones . Personally, I am in favour of the idea that this trend can negative impact on their live and this essay will discover the root cause of this case.
As can be seen in many reason that why children can spend a significant amount of time just to using smartphones. First and foremost, this electric devices can assistant people in working or studying . Because smartphones are required many features that can help their task more convenient and faster such as some educate application and they also can access easily the source of enormous information to meet the demand of their work. However the primary reason which draw most children is the entertainment on smartphones. There are a wide range of games and social media appear on this devices that can make young individuals become addicted and they will use time just to play these games. Hence, this action gradually convert to the bad habit and make they use smartphones a lot of day-to-day.
It is undeniable the reason why i convinced the view point that this development bring many drawbacks. Firstly, The habit that children spend time per day just to use smartphone can cause the sedentary lifestyle. The reason is children may spend lesser time to going out home and just stay on position to surf their phones this can make they more lazier and do not have more time for friend and family. Additionally, This tendency also the main cause of eye diseases. For example if children look at the screen of phones for a long time , their eyes can be damaged by the blue light which relieve form smartphones and that can impair to their and lead to short-sighted.
In conclusion, I reaffirm that the reason why children can spend a wide range of time to using smartphones due to the entertainment and features which can support their study and work . However this trend can bring variety of negative effect on eyes of children.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"young peoples" -> "young individuals"
Explanation: "Young individuals" is a more formal and appropriate term than "young peoples" in academic writing.
"can negative impact on their live" -> "can have a negative impact on their lives"
Explanation: "Have a negative impact on their lives" is a more grammatically correct and formal expression compared to "negative impact on their live."
"discover the root cause of this case" -> "explore the underlying causes of this phenomenon"
Explanation: "Explore the underlying causes of this phenomenon" is a more formal and precise expression than "discover the root cause of this case."
"As can be seen in many reason that why children can spend a significant amount of time just to using smartphones." -> "There are several reasons why children spend a significant amount of time using smartphones."
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and lacks clarity. The suggested alternative offers a clearer and more concise expression of the idea.
"electric devices" -> "electronic devices"
Explanation: "Electronic devices" is the more commonly used term to refer to devices like smartphones in formal writing.
"assistant people" -> "assist individuals"
Explanation: "Assist individuals" is a more appropriate and formal phrasing compared to "assistant people."
"are required many features" -> "have many features"
Explanation: "Have many features" is a more grammatically correct way to express this idea.
"some educate application" -> "educational applications"
Explanation: "Educational applications" is the correct term to refer to apps designed for learning purposes.
"they also can access easily" -> "they can also easily access"
Explanation: Reordering the words for better syntax and clarity.
"a wide range of games and social media appear on this devices" -> "a wide range of games and social media platforms are available on these devices"
Explanation: "Platforms" is more accurate than "devices" in this context, and "are available" is clearer than "appear on."
"make young individuals become addicted" -> "cause young individuals to become addicted"
Explanation: Using "cause" makes the sentence more direct and formal.
"make they use smartphones a lot of day-to-day" -> "lead to frequent smartphone use"
Explanation: The suggested alternative is clearer and more concise.
"It is undeniable the reason why i convinced the view point" -> "Undoubtedly, the reason why I support this viewpoint is"
Explanation: Clarifies and restructures the sentence for better coherence and formality.
"The habit that children spend time per day just to use smartphone" -> "The habit of children spending significant time each day using smartphones"
Explanation: Rewording for clarity and grammatical correctness.
"sedentary lifestyle" -> "sedentary lifestyles"
Explanation: Using the plural form matches the subject "children."
"children may spend lesser time" -> "children may spend less time"
Explanation: "Lesser" is comparative, while "less" is appropriate for denoting a reduction in time spent.
"going out home" -> "leaving their homes"
Explanation: "Leaving their homes" is a clearer and more precise expression.
"just stay on position" -> "remain stationary"
Explanation: "Remain stationary" is a more formal way to express this idea.
"surf their phones" -> "use their phones"
Explanation: "Use their phones" is a more standard and formal expression.
"this can make they more lazier" -> "this can make them lazier"
Explanation: "Them" is the correct pronoun to use after "make."
"friend and family" -> "friends and family"
Explanation: "Friends and family" is the correct plural form.
"This tendency also the main cause of eye diseases." -> "This tendency is also a primary cause of eye diseases."
Explanation: Restructuring for clarity and coherence.
"relieve form smartphones" -> "emitted from smartphones"
Explanation: "Emitted from smartphones" is a clearer and more precise expression.
"impair to their and lead to short-sighted" -> "impair their vision and lead to short-sightedness"
Explanation: Correcting grammatical errors and specifying the consequence more precisely.
"In conclusion, I reaffirm that the reason why children can spend a wide range of time to using smartphones due to the entertainment and features which can support their study and work ." -> "In conclusion, I reiterate that children’s extensive smartphone usage is primarily driven by entertainment and features that support their studies and work."
Explanation: Rewording for clarity and coherence, and ensuring grammatical correctness.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both aspects of the prompt, discussing why children spend a significant amount of time on smartphones and presenting a clear opinion on whether this trend is positive or negative.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, it would be beneficial to provide more specific examples or statistics to support the arguments and to ensure that each point is fully developed.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance throughout, arguing that the trend of children spending excessive time on smartphones has negative implications.
- How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer could explicitly state their stance in the introduction and conclusion, as well as reiterate it throughout the body paragraphs to reinforce coherence.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas on why children use smartphones extensively and elaborates on the negative consequences, such as a sedentary lifestyle and eye problems. However, some ideas lack elaboration and could benefit from further development.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point. Additionally, linking the ideas more effectively within and between paragraphs would improve coherence.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays on topic by discussing why children spend a significant amount of time on smartphones and the potential negative impacts of this trend.
- How to improve: To ensure complete relevance to the topic, the writer should avoid generalizations and tangential points, focusing instead on providing specific examples and arguments directly related to the prompt.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a clear position, there is room for improvement in providing more detailed support for ideas and ensuring coherence throughout the essay. Strengthening these aspects would further enhance the overall quality of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic attempt at organizing information logically. It begins with an introduction that outlines the writer’s stance and intention to explore the reasons behind children’s excessive smartphone usage. However, the body paragraphs lack clear topic sentences and transitions between ideas. For instance, the transition from discussing the reasons for smartphone usage to the negative impacts is abrupt, making the progression of ideas feel disjointed.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should focus on structuring the essay with clear topic sentences at the start of each paragraph to introduce the main idea. Additionally, they should use transition phrases or sentences to smoothly connect ideas between paragraphs, ensuring a coherent flow of information.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs to separate different points. However, the structure within paragraphs lacks coherence. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas without clear transitions, leading to confusion for the reader. For example, the second paragraph discusses both the usefulness of smartphones for work or study and their entertainment value without clear separation.
- How to improve: Effective paragraphing involves focusing on one main idea per paragraph and providing clear transitions between paragraphs. The writer should consider breaking down complex paragraphs into smaller, more focused ones to improve clarity and coherence. Each paragraph should begin with a topic sentence that introduces the main point, followed by supporting details and examples.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates limited use of cohesive devices to connect ideas and guide the reader through the text. While there are some attempts to use cohesive devices such as "firstly" and "additionally" to indicate sequence and addition, they are not consistently applied, leading to a fragmented structure.
- How to improve: To improve cohesion, the writer should incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices such as pronouns (e.g., "this," "these"), conjunctions (e.g., "however," "therefore"), and transitional phrases (e.g., "in conclusion," "for example"). These devices help to create a smooth and coherent progression of ideas throughout the essay, enhancing readability and comprehension. Additionally, using parallel structures and repeating key terms can reinforce connections between ideas and strengthen overall cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to utilize a variety of vocabulary, though some phrases lack precision or clarity. For instance, "electric devices" could be replaced with "electronic devices" for clarity. Additionally, phrases like "make young individuals become addicted" could be enhanced with more descriptive language, such as "foster dependency" or "cultivate addiction."
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, strive for more diverse synonyms and expressions. Instead of repeating phrases like "using smartphones," vary your language with terms like "engaging with mobile devices" or "interacting with handheld technology." Consider utilizing more precise adjectives and adverbs to enrich the descriptions.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay attempts to convey ideas, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise. For instance, "significant amount of time" could be replaced with "excessive hours," and "this tendency" could be clarified as "the inclination to spend prolonged periods."
- How to improve: To improve precision, consider using specific terms that precisely convey your intended meaning. Avoid vague expressions by selecting words that accurately represent your ideas. Utilize a thesaurus to explore synonyms and choose the most fitting vocabulary for each context.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates varied levels of spelling accuracy. While some words are spelled correctly, there are noticeable errors throughout the text. For instance, "assistant" should be "assist," "per day" should be "each day," and "relieve" should be "emitted."
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider proofreading the essay thoroughly before submission. Utilize spell-check tools and dictionaries to verify the spelling of unfamiliar words. Additionally, practice spelling commonly misspelled words to improve overall accuracy. Reading extensively can also help familiarize yourself with correct spelling patterns and conventions.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences follow a simple subject-verb-object structure, with occasional variations such as introductory phrases or clauses. However, the variety is not consistent throughout the essay. For instance, there is a lack of complex sentences or varied sentence lengths, which can make the writing appear monotonous.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and overall effectiveness of the essay, incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures is crucial. Introduce complex sentences with subordinate clauses to add depth and sophistication to the writing. Varying sentence lengths can also improve the flow and rhythm of the essay, engaging the reader more effectively.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies. For example, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("young peoples," "why children can spend"), article usage ("the reason why i convinced"), and punctuation errors (missing commas, incorrect placement of periods and commas).
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it’s essential to review basic grammar rules, paying attention to subject-verb agreement, article usage, and punctuation. Proofreading the essay carefully can help identify and correct these errors. Additionally, seeking feedback from peers or teachers can provide valuable insights into areas needing improvement. Practicing writing with a focus on grammar and punctuation can also help reinforce proper usage and enhance overall writing skills.

Bài sửa mẫu

There are several reasons why young individuals spend a significant amount of time using smartphones. Firstly, these electronic devices assist individuals in their work or studies. Smartphones have many features that make tasks more convenient and faster, such as educational applications. Moreover, they can easily access a wide range of information to meet the demands of their work or studies. However, the primary reason that draws most children is the entertainment factor. A wide range of games and social media platforms are available on these devices, causing young individuals to become addicted and leading to frequent smartphone use. This habit gradually converts into a bad habit, consuming much of their day-to-day time.

Undoubtedly, the reason why I support this viewpoint is the negative impact it has on children’s lives. Firstly, the habit of children spending significant time each day using smartphones can lead to sedentary lifestyles. Children may spend less time leaving their homes and instead remain stationary, using their phones. This can make them lazier and reduce the time they spend with friends and family. Additionally, this tendency is also a primary cause of eye diseases. The blue light emitted from smartphones can impair their vision and lead to short-sightedness.

In conclusion, I reiterate that children’s extensive smartphone usage is primarily driven by entertainment and features that support their studies and work. However, this trend can have various negative effects, particularly on children’s eyesight.