Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones.

Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

In these days, smartphones are the things that very common to us, since there are lots of benefits from using cellphones. However, this leads to kids spend most of their time on their cellphones. This essay will discuss benefits from using smartphones such as gain their knowledge and negative effect like make kid less focus on their task.

On one hand, kids spend most of their time on their phone for gaming or watch social media which make them less focus on their study. Students who are using their phone too much time can not have enough time to spend for their assignment or any school work. Secondly, children would be an unproductive person, since kids spend most of their time on their phone, they could not balance their school work or their hobby. Finally, teenagers would be get attractive to some gaming app cause them do not want study or do any their leisure activities.

In contrast, cellphone would be a very useful tools for youngster if they know how to use it probably such as use it to do their project at school, or watching education video on Youtube. To begin, these devices can help kids these days to have full access to all information available on internet, which gain children’s knowledge due to wealth information on the Internet. Furthermore, kids can use some useful apps such as Youtube, Google, Kiddle to support their education by watching teaching video, or any informations that they wants to know.

In conclude, cellphones can be a good tools for kids to majorly develop them, however, if children using cellphone too much, they can not focus on their school or have touch to society

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In these days" -> "Currently"
   Explanation: "Currently" is a more precise and formal temporal indicator than "In these days," which is somewhat colloquial and vague.

2. "the things that very common to us" -> "a common aspect of our lives"
   Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "A common aspect of our lives" is grammatically correct and more formal, improving clarity and appropriateness for academic writing.

3. "since there are lots of benefits from using cellphones" -> "since numerous benefits accrue from using cellphones"
   Explanation: "Numerous benefits accrue" is more formal and precise than "there are lots of benefits," which is informal and vague.

4. "kids spend most of their time on their cellphones" -> "children spend most of their time on their cellphones"
   Explanation: "Children" is a more formal and appropriate term than "kids" in academic writing, aligning with the formal tone expected in essays.

5. "negative effect like make kid less focus on their task" -> "negative effects such as reducing focus on their tasks"
   Explanation: "Negative effects such as reducing focus on their tasks" corrects the grammatical error and uses more precise language, enhancing the formality and clarity of the statement.

6. "kids spend most of their time on their phone for gaming or watch social media" -> "children spend most of their time on their phones for gaming or watching social media"
   Explanation: Corrects the grammatical errors and adds the necessary article "a" before "social media" for proper noun usage.

7. "can not have enough time to spend for their assignment" -> "do not have sufficient time to complete their assignments"
   Explanation: "Do not have sufficient time to complete their assignments" is grammatically correct and more formal, replacing the awkward and incorrect "can not have enough time to spend for their assignment."

8. "children would be an unproductive person" -> "children may become unproductive"
   Explanation: "May become unproductive" is grammatically correct and more precise, avoiding the awkward and incorrect "would be an unproductive person."

9. "get attractive to some gaming app" -> "become attracted to certain gaming apps"
   Explanation: "Become attracted to certain gaming apps" corrects the grammatical error and uses more precise language, enhancing formality and clarity.

10. "do any their leisure activities" -> "engage in their leisure activities"
    Explanation: "Engage in their leisure activities" is grammatically correct and more formal than the awkward and incorrect "do any their leisure activities."

11. "cellphone would be a very useful tools" -> "cellphones can be very useful tools"
    Explanation: "Can be very useful tools" corrects the grammatical error and pluralizes "cellphone" to "cellphones" for consistency and accuracy.

12. "use it to do their project at school" -> "use it to complete their school projects"
    Explanation: "Complete their school projects" is more specific and formal than "do their project at school," which is vague and informal.

13. "watching education video on Youtube" -> "viewing educational videos on YouTube"
    Explanation: "Viewing educational videos on YouTube" corrects the grammatical error and uses the correct capitalization for the brand name "YouTube."

14. "kids these days" -> "children today"
    Explanation: "Children today" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "kids these days," which is colloquial.

15. "In conclude" -> "In conclusion"
    Explanation: "In conclusion" is the correct phrase for concluding a formal essay, whereas "In conclude" is grammatically incorrect.

16. "cellphone too much" -> "cellphones excessively"
    Explanation: "Cellphones excessively" is more formal and precise than "cellphone too much," which is informal and vague.

17. "have touch to society" -> "interact with society"
    Explanation: "Interact with society" is grammatically correct and more formal than "have touch to society," which is incorrect and informal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt by discussing the reasons children spend excessive time on smartphones and the implications of this behavior. The first paragraph outlines the negative effects of smartphone usage, such as decreased focus on studies and unproductiveness. The second paragraph presents the positive aspects, emphasizing educational benefits. However, the analysis could be more balanced, as the negative points are elaborated upon more than the positive ones.
  • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer should ensure that both sides are equally developed. For instance, after discussing the negative impacts, the writer could provide more specific examples of how smartphones can be beneficial, perhaps by citing studies or statistics that show improved learning outcomes from educational apps.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position that smartphone usage can be both beneficial and detrimental. However, the conclusion lacks a definitive stance on whether the overall impact is positive or negative. The phrase "cellphones can be a good tools for kids to majorly develop them" is vague and does not clearly communicate the writer’s opinion.
  • How to improve: The writer should take a clearer stance in the conclusion, explicitly stating whether they believe the overall impact of smartphone usage is positive or negative. This could be achieved by summarizing the main arguments and then clearly stating a position, such as "In my opinion, while smartphones offer valuable educational resources, their excessive use ultimately leads to more negative consequences."

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the reasons children are drawn to smartphones and the potential benefits. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat weak. For example, the claim that "students who are using their phone too much time can not have enough time to spend for their assignment" lacks evidence or examples to substantiate it. Additionally, the benefits mentioned are not fully explored or exemplified.
  • How to improve: To strengthen this criterion, the writer should provide more detailed examples and evidence for each point made. For instance, when discussing educational benefits, the writer could mention specific apps or platforms that have been shown to enhance learning, or include anecdotes about students who have successfully used smartphones for educational purposes.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons for children’s smartphone usage and the associated positive and negative effects. However, some sentences are slightly off-topic or unclear, such as "Finally, teenagers would be get attractive to some gaming app cause them do not want study or do any their leisure activities," which could be more directly related to the question.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point directly relates back to the prompt. This can be achieved by revisiting the question throughout the writing process and ensuring that each paragraph clearly ties back to the main themes of the prompt. Additionally, refining sentences for clarity and coherence will help keep the essay focused.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, it would benefit from clearer structure, more balanced argumentation, and stronger support for claims made.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both the negative and positive aspects of smartphone use among children, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition between discussing the negative impacts and the positive uses of smartphones is abrupt. The first body paragraph focuses on the negative effects without a clear link to the second paragraph, which discusses the benefits. This lack of smooth transition affects the overall coherence of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that guide the reader through the argument. For example, after discussing the negative impacts, a sentence like "Despite these concerns, it is important to recognize the potential benefits that smartphones can offer when used appropriately" could serve as a bridge to the next paragraph. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence can help clarify the main idea being discussed.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph addresses a distinct aspect of the topic, making it easier for the reader to follow. However, the paragraphs could be more developed. For instance, the first body paragraph could benefit from more examples and elaboration on the points made, such as specific studies or statistics that illustrate the negative effects of excessive smartphone use.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph effectiveness, ensure that each paragraph contains a clear topic sentence followed by supporting sentences that elaborate on the main idea. Adding examples, explanations, or evidence can strengthen the arguments presented. For instance, in the first body paragraph, providing a specific example of how excessive smartphone use has impacted students’ academic performance would enhance the argument.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On one hand" and "In contrast," which help to indicate shifts in the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas could be clearer. For example, the phrase "Secondly" is used, but the flow from one point to the next could be improved with more varied linking words and phrases.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," "In addition," and "Conversely." Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to enhance clarity. For example, instead of repeating "Secondly," consider using "Another reason" or "Additionally" to introduce new points. This will create a more fluid reading experience and strengthen the connections between ideas.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, focusing on enhancing logical organization, developing paragraphs more fully, and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use varied expressions. Phrases like "very common to us" and "wealth information" show an effort to diversify language. However, the vocabulary is often repetitive, particularly with the terms "smartphones" and "kids," which are used excessively without synonyms or alternatives.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "kids," alternatives like "children," "youngsters," or "teenagers" could be employed. Additionally, varying phrases like "spend time on their phones" could be replaced with "engage with their devices" or "utilize mobile technology."

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "make kid less focus on their task" should be "makes kids less focused on their tasks." The term "unproductive person" is vague and could be more accurately expressed as "less productive individuals." The phrase "gain their knowledge" is also awkward; a more precise expression would be "enhance their knowledge."
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on the grammatical structure and context of word usage. Reviewing subject-verb agreement and ensuring that adjectives and adverbs are used correctly will enhance clarity. For instance, revising "cellphone would be a very useful tools" to "cellphones can be very useful tools" would improve grammatical accuracy and precision.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "cellphones" (repeatedly spelled as "cellphone"), "informations" (should be "information"), and "education video" (should be "educational videos"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as using spelling apps or flashcards for commonly misspelled words. Additionally, proofreading the essay multiple times or using spell-check tools can help catch errors before submission. Creating a list of frequently used terms and ensuring their correct spelling can also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic and attempts to use varied vocabulary, there are significant areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. Focusing on these aspects will help the writer achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences follow a simple or compound structure, which can lead to a monotonous reading experience. For example, phrases like "kids spend most of their time on their phone for gaming or watch social media" and "cellphone would be a very useful tools for youngster" exhibit a lack of complexity and variety. The use of conjunctions is present, but the sentences often lack subordinate clauses that could enhance the depth of the arguments presented.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For instance, instead of saying "kids spend most of their time on their phone," the writer could say, "Although kids spend most of their time on their phones, they can also benefit from educational apps that enhance their learning." Additionally, varying the sentence beginnings and using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences will improve the overall flow and engagement of the essay.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity and coherence. For example, "this leads to kids spend most of their time" should be "this leads to kids spending most of their time." Additionally, the phrase "would be get attractive" is incorrect; it should be "would be attracted." There are also instances of missing articles, such as "a very useful tools" instead of "very useful tools." Punctuation errors, such as missing commas, also hinder readability, particularly in longer sentences.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of verb forms. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focused on common errors, will be beneficial. Furthermore, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors and ensuring that commas are used to separate clauses will improve clarity. Reading more academic texts can also help the writer internalize correct grammatical structures and punctuation usage.

In summary, to achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on varying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy and punctuation. Engaging in targeted practice and revising the essay for clarity will significantly enhance the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In these days, smartphones are a common aspect of our lives, since there are numerous benefits from using cellphones. However, this leads to kids spending most of their time on their cellphones. This essay will discuss the benefits of using smartphones, such as gaining knowledge, and the negative effects, such as making kids less focused on their tasks.

On one hand, kids spend most of their time on their phones for gaming or watching social media, which makes them less focused on their studies. Students who use their phones too much do not have enough time to complete their assignments or any school work. Secondly, children may become unproductive, since they spend most of their time on their phones and cannot balance their school work with their hobbies. Finally, teenagers may become attracted to certain gaming apps, which causes them to not want to study or engage in their leisure activities.

In contrast, cellphones can be very useful tools for youngsters if they know how to use them properly, such as using them to complete their school projects or viewing educational videos on YouTube. To begin, these devices can help kids today to have full access to all the information available on the internet, which can enhance children’s knowledge due to the wealth of information online. Furthermore, kids can use some useful apps such as YouTube, Google, and Kiddle to support their education by watching teaching videos or any information that they want to know.

In conclusion, cellphones can be good tools for kids to develop themselves; however, if children use cellphones excessively, they may not be able to focus on their schoolwork or interact with society.