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Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

Today, it’s common to see children spending hours daily on their smartphones. Although there are certain benefits of this trend, I suppose that the drawbacks are much more considered.

Indeed, smartphones play an important role in assisting educational processes. With the development of high-tech gadgets which provide young people with access to a vast array of educational resources, e-books, online courses, and websites. This provides them with a wealth of knowledge beyond what is taught in traditional classrooms, allowing them to explore new subjects and expand their knowledge of various topics. Moreover, young people can engage in flexible learning. They can access educational resources at any time and from anywhere, enabling them to learn at their own pace and according to their individual preferences and schedules. This flexibility accommodates different learning styles and promotes self-directed learning at an early age.

Conversely, there is a concern about the impact of excessive smartphone use on the quality of sleep. When spending many hours per day, especially before bedtime, can interfere with sleep patterns. The blue light emitted by smartphone screens can disrupt the production of melatonin, a hormone that regulates sleep, leading to difficulties falling asleep, and increasing chances of insomnia. As a result, children could increase feelings of tiredness and decreased alertness the following day. Simultaneously, due to the lack of enough sleep and alertness, these circumstances make kids unable to concentrate on the task, diminishing the quality of the workforce.

In conclusion, while utilizing smartphones could substantially support children’s education and recreation, I believe the influences of this trend in poor sleep outweigh these positives.


 

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. “Today, it’s common to see children spending hours daily on their smartphones.” -> “Presently, it is commonplace to observe children dedicating extensive daily hours to their smartphones.”
    Explanation: The suggested revision replaces the colloquial “Today” with the more formal “Presently” and enhances the sentence’s formality by using more precise language.
  2. “I suppose that the drawbacks are much more considered.” -> “I contend that the drawbacks merit greater consideration.”
    Explanation: The replacement of “I suppose” with “I contend” adds a more assertive tone, and “merit greater consideration” is a more formal expression than “are much more considered.”
  3. “Indeed, smartphones play an important role in assisting educational processes.” -> “Indeed, smartphones play a pivotal role in facilitating educational processes.”
    Explanation: The term “pivotal” conveys a stronger sense of importance, and “facilitating” is a more formal alternative to “assisting.”
  4. “With the development of high-tech gadgets which provide young people with access to a vast array of educational resources, e-books, online courses, and websites.” -> “Owing to the advancements in high-tech gadgets that afford young individuals access to a diverse range of educational resources, e-books, online courses, and websites.”
    Explanation: “Owing to the advancements” is a more formal phrase, and “afford” is a more sophisticated alternative to “provide.”
  5. “Moreover, young people can engage in flexible learning.” -> “Furthermore, young individuals can partake in adaptable learning.”
    Explanation: “Furthermore” is a more formal transition, and “partake in adaptable learning” is a more sophisticated expression than “engage in flexible learning.”
  6. “Conversely, there is a concern about the impact of excessive smartphone use on the quality of sleep.” -> “Conversely, there is apprehension regarding the impact of excessive smartphone use on the quality of sleep.”
    Explanation: “Apprehension” is a more formal term than “concern,” contributing to a more academic tone.
  7. “When spending many hours per day, especially before bedtime, can interfere with sleep patterns.” -> “Spending extended hours per day, particularly before bedtime, can disrupt sleep patterns.”
    Explanation: The revised sentence eliminates redundancy and uses a more concise structure, maintaining formality.
  8. “Simultaneously, due to the lack of enough sleep and alertness, these circumstances make kids unable to concentrate on the task, diminishing the quality of the workforce.” -> “Simultaneously, the insufficient sleep and alertness resulting from these circumstances render children unable to concentrate on tasks, thereby diminishing the quality of their work.”
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance precision and formality by replacing colloquial terms with more formal alternatives.

 

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: “Although there are certain benefits of this trend, I suppose that the drawbacks are much more considered.”
    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction effectively introduces the writer’s perspective on the topic, stating that there are benefits but implying that the drawbacks outweigh them. However, it would be beneficial to provide a concise roadmap of the main points that will be discussed in the essay. This can enhance the essay’s structure and make the argument more transparent for the reader.
    • Improved example: “While acknowledging certain benefits of children spending time on smartphones, I believe that the drawbacks significantly outweigh these advantages. In this essay, I will explore the positive aspects before delving into the more substantial negative implications.”
  2. Quoted text: “Conversely, there is a concern about the impact of excessive smartphone use on the quality of sleep.”
    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The writer effectively introduces the opposing viewpoint and raises a valid concern about the impact on sleep quality. However, the explanation could be strengthened by providing a specific example or scenario to illustrate how excessive smartphone use directly affects sleep patterns. This would add depth to the argument and make it more convincing.
    • Improved example: “Conversely, a notable concern arises regarding the impact of prolonged smartphone use on sleep quality. For instance, a teenager engrossed in social media or games late into the night may experience disruptions in their sleep patterns, leading to increased difficulty falling asleep and a higher risk of developing insomnia.”
  3. Quoted text: “Simultaneously, due to the lack of enough sleep and alertness, these circumstances make kids unable to concentrate on the task, diminishing the quality of the workforce.”
    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The writer correctly identifies the consequence of insufficient sleep on concentration and work quality. To enhance this point, providing a specific example or anecdote of a child struggling with concentration or academic performance due to smartphone-induced sleep deprivation would strengthen the argument.
    • Improved example: “Simultaneously, the repercussions of inadequate sleep extend to a decline in concentration and academic performance. For instance, a student consistently staying up late on their smartphone may find it challenging to focus during classes or complete assignments effectively, ultimately compromising the quality of their academic output.”

Overall, the essay effectively addresses the task, presenting a clear position and supporting ideas. To improve, the writer should focus on enhancing the clarity of the introduction and strengthening arguments by incorporating specific examples or scenarios related to the impact of smartphone use on sleep and concentration.

 

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of ideas with clear progression throughout. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, and each paragraph is focused on a specific aspect of the topic. The use of cohesive devices is evident, contributing to the overall coherence. However, there are some instances of underuse and overuse of cohesive devices, affecting the fluency of the essay. The central topic within each paragraph is generally clear, but there is room for improvement in maintaining consistent focus.

How to improve:
To enhance coherence and cohesion, ensure a more consistent and balanced use of cohesive devices. Avoid overusing certain terms and consider using a wider range of connectors. Additionally, strive for greater precision in maintaining a clear central topic within each paragraph. This can be achieved by reinforcing topic sentences and ensuring that supporting details directly relate to the main idea of each paragraph.

 

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision in expression. There’s a consistent attempt to use less common lexical items, showcasing some awareness of style and collocation. The writer employs a variety of words and phrases, avoiding repetitive language. Some less common vocabulary is utilized effectively, enhancing the essay’s depth. The essay generally shows an awareness of word choice and spelling, though occasional errors occur.

The candidate effectively explores both sides of the issue, discussing the benefits and drawbacks of children spending hours on smartphones. The use of phrases like “wealth of knowledge,” “self-directed learning,” and “interfere with sleep patterns” indicates a good command of vocabulary, contributing to the essay’s clarity and coherence.

However, there are minor issues with word choice and collocation. For instance, phrases like “suppose that the drawbacks are much more considered” and “in poor sleep outweigh these positives” could be rephrased more fluently for greater precision.

How to improve:
To enhance lexical resource, strive for even greater variety and precision in word choice. Pay close attention to word combinations and collocations to ensure a more natural flow of language. Review sentence structures for greater fluency and avoid phrases that might hinder clarity or precision. Additionally, proofreading for minor errors in word choice and spelling would further improve the essay’s lexical accuracy.

 

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation, featuring a variety of sentence structures. There is evident complexity in sentence construction, such as the use of subordinate clauses and varied sentence lengths. The majority of sentences are error-free, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. However, there are a few instances of minor errors, such as in the sentence “I suppose that the drawbacks are much more considered,” where the intended meaning may be clearer if “considered” is replaced with “considerable.”

The essay effectively employs a range of grammatical structures to convey ideas, with a noticeable control over grammar and punctuation. The writer uses complex sentences to express nuanced ideas, contributing to the overall sophistication of the language. The errors present are not pervasive and do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve:
To enhance grammatical accuracy further, the writer should pay attention to minor errors like the one mentioned above, ensuring that each word chosen precisely aligns with the intended meaning. Additionally, careful proofreading can help catch and rectify any remaining minor errors. Overall, maintaining the current level of complexity while minimizing such errors will contribute to achieving a higher band score.

 

Bài sửa mẫu

Nowadays, it’s a common sight to witness children spending extensive hours each day on their smartphones. While there are certain advantages to this trend, I believe the drawbacks deserve more consideration.

Certainly, smartphones play a crucial role in aiding educational processes. The advancement of high-tech devices provides young people with access to a wide range of educational resources, such as e-books, online courses, and websites. This exposure goes beyond what traditional classrooms offer, allowing them to delve into new subjects and broaden their knowledge on various topics. Additionally, young learners can engage in flexible learning, accessing educational materials at any time and from any location. This flexibility enables them to learn at their own pace, aligning with their individual preferences and schedules. Such adaptability accommodates diverse learning styles and fosters self-directed learning from an early age.

On the flip side, there is a valid concern regarding the impact of excessive smartphone use on the quality of sleep. Spending prolonged hours, especially before bedtime, can disrupt sleep patterns. The blue light emitted by smartphone screens interferes with the production of melatonin, a hormone crucial for regulating sleep. This disruption can result in difficulties falling asleep and an increased likelihood of insomnia. Consequently, children may experience heightened feelings of tiredness and reduced alertness the following day. The lack of adequate sleep and alertness may impede their ability to concentrate on tasks, diminishing the overall quality of their work.

In conclusion, while smartphones undeniably contribute significantly to children’s education and leisure activities, I believe the negative effects on sleep quality outweigh these positives. It’s crucial to strike a balance to ensure that the benefits of smartphone use do not compromise the well-being and productivity of the younger generation.

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