Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones.
Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

In the modern era, smartphone is the most important invention of humanity which meet the rising need of people such as communication, entertainment, research. While some people argue that kids spend hours on using their smartphones for positive purposes, others consider that smartphones cause some diseases in children. The aim of this essay is to discuss the advantages of children using smartphones regularly and analyze the possible disadvantages of this issue.
One of the principal advantages of kids spending hours on smartphone is that smartphones are useful items for their relaxation. As children easily access every website which own numerous entertainment programs in the internet. This makes kids release stressful after hard studying day in school. For example, Many videos in social medias such as youtube, instagram which come up with fun dialogues and obtaining peace scenery helps children laugh. Furthermore, their activities in smartphones stimulate their creativity naturely. This helps them develope abitilies effectively.
Another possible drawback of abusing smartphone overtime is that it causes short-sightedness. As the time of children eyes concentrating on the screen lasted a long time. This results in increasing myopia rate in kids. For example, the proprotion short-sighted children increase by over 50% currently around the world. Morever, children spend a number of hours on smartphone declining the face-to-face communication among peers. This leads to mitigating ability of resolving problems in conversation.
In conclusion, children spending much time on their smartphone could be both advantageous and disadvantageous. In my opinion, children should allocate time to use smartphone for relaxed aims and development of creative brain as well as avoid healthy related disease and social distance.

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Errors and Improvements:

"smartphone is the most important invention of humanity which meet the rising need of people" -> "The smartphone stands as one of humanity’s most crucial inventions, meeting the growing needs of individuals"
Explanation: "Smartphone is" should be changed to "the smartphone stands as" for a more formal tone. "Most important" can be replaced with "crucial," and "which meet" should be changed to "meeting" for grammatical correctness. "Rising need of people" can be refined to "growing needs of individuals" for clarity and formality.
"While some people argue that kids spend hours on using their smartphones for positive purposes, others consider that smartphones cause some diseases in children." -> "While some contend that children spend excessive hours on smartphones for beneficial reasons, others assert that smartphones contribute to various health issues in children."
Explanation: "Kids spend hours on using their smartphones" can be rephrased to "children spend excessive hours on smartphones" for clarity and formality. "Positive purposes" can be replaced with "beneficial reasons," and "cause some diseases" can be enhanced to "contribute to various health issues" for specificity and formality.
"The aim of this essay is to discuss the advantages of children using smartphones regularly and analyze the possible disadvantages of this issue." -> "This essay aims to explore the benefits of regular smartphone usage among children and examine the potential drawbacks associated with this phenomenon."
Explanation: "Discuss the advantages" can be refined to "explore the benefits," and "analyze the possible disadvantages" can be improved to "examine the potential drawbacks" for variety and formality.
"One of the principal advantages of kids spending hours on smartphone is that smartphones are useful items for their relaxation." -> "One significant benefit of children spending extended periods on smartphones is the devices’ utility in facilitating relaxation."
Explanation: "Principal advantages" can be replaced with "significant benefit" for conciseness and formality. "Smartphones are useful items for their relaxation" can be refined to "the devices’ utility in facilitating relaxation" for clarity and formality.
"As children easily access every website which own numerous entertainment programs in the internet." -> "Children have easy access to a multitude of websites hosting various entertainment programs on the internet."
Explanation: "Every website which own numerous entertainment programs" should be changed to "a multitude of websites hosting various entertainment programs" for clarity and correctness.
"Furthermore, their activities in smartphones stimulate their creativity naturely." -> "Moreover, engaging in activities on smartphones naturally stimulates their creativity."
Explanation: "Their activities in smartphones" should be changed to "engaging in activities on smartphones" for clarity and correctness. "Naturely" should be replaced with "naturally" for accuracy.
"This helps them develope abitilies effectively." -> "This aids in the effective development of their abilities."
Explanation: "Develop abilities" can be refined to "development of their abilities" for clarity and formality. "Abitilies" should be corrected to "abilities" for accuracy.
"Another possible drawback of abusing smartphone overtime" -> "Another potential downside of excessive smartphone use"
Explanation: "Abusing smartphone overtime" should be changed to "excessive smartphone use" for clarity and formality. "Drawback" can be replaced with "downside" for variety.
"As the time of children eyes concentrating on the screen lasted a long time." -> "Due to prolonged periods of children’s eyes focusing on screens."
Explanation: "As the time of children eyes concentrating on the screen" is unclear and awkward. "Lasted a long time" can be replaced with "prolonged periods" for clarity and conciseness.
"This results in increasing myopia rate in kids." -> "This results in an increase in the rate of myopia among children."
Explanation: "Increasing myopia rate" should be changed to "increase in the rate of myopia" for correctness. Adding "among children" provides clarity.
"Morever, children spend a number of hours on smartphone declining the face-to-face communication among peers." -> "Moreover, children spending numerous hours on smartphones hinders face-to-face communication among peers."
Explanation: "A number of hours on smartphone declining" should be changed to "numerous hours on smartphones hinders" for clarity and correctness. "Declining" should be replaced with "hinders" for accuracy.
"This leads to mitigating ability of resolving problems in conversation." -> "This hampers their ability to effectively resolve problems in conversation."
Explanation: "Mitigating ability of resolving problems" can be replaced with "hampers their ability to effectively resolve problems" for clarity and formality.
"children should allocate time to use smartphone for relaxed aims and development of creative brain" -> "Children should allocate time to use smartphones for leisure purposes and to foster creative development."
Explanation: "Use smartphone for relaxed aims" should be changed to "use smartphones for leisure purposes" for clarity and formality. "Development of creative brain" can be refined to "foster creative development" for conciseness.
"as well as avoid healthy related disease and social distance." -> "as well as to mitigate health-related risks and reduce social isolation."
Explanation: "Avoid healthy related disease" should be corrected to "mitigate health-related risks" for accuracy. "Social distance" can be replaced with "social isolation" for clarity and conciseness.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both sides of the argument regarding children’s smartphone usage. It discusses the advantages of smartphone use for relaxation and creativity, as well as the disadvantages such as short-sightedness and reduced face-to-face communication.
- How to improve: The essay could enhance its response by providing a more balanced discussion of the positive and negative aspects of children’s smartphone usage. Additionally, it could delve deeper into the reasons behind why children spend hours on smartphones.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a relatively clear position, leaning towards the view that children’s smartphone usage can be both advantageous and disadvantageous. However, the stance could be more firmly established and consistently maintained throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the essay should explicitly state the author’s stance in the introduction and reinforce it throughout the body paragraphs with supporting arguments and evidence.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding the advantages and disadvantages of children’s smartphone usage, supported by examples such as relaxation through entertainment and the negative effects on eyesight and communication skills.
- How to improve: To extend and support ideas further, the essay could include more specific examples, statistics, or research findings to strengthen the arguments and provide a more nuanced analysis.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the reasons behind children’s smartphone usage and evaluating its positive and negative impacts.
- How to improve: To ensure focus on the topic, the essay should avoid tangential discussions and maintain a clear connection between each point made and the overarching theme of children’s smartphone usage.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the prompt and presents relevant arguments, there is room for improvement in addressing all aspects of the question, maintaining a clear position, extending and supporting ideas, and staying consistently focused on the topic. By refining these aspects, the essay could achieve a higher band score for task response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It starts with an introduction that outlines the main points to be discussed. Each body paragraph addresses a specific advantage or drawback of children spending time on smartphones, supporting the arguments with examples. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points without introducing new information. However, there are some instances where the flow of ideas could be improved for better coherence. For instance, transitioning between paragraphs could be smoother, and some points could be better connected to enhance the overall logical progression of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transition words and phrases to connect ideas between paragraphs more seamlessly. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph flows logically from the previous one, maintaining a clear and cohesive structure throughout the essay. Aim for a more gradual development of ideas to create a smoother progression from introduction to conclusion.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is structured into three paragraphs: introduction, body, and conclusion. Each paragraph serves its purpose adequately, with the introduction providing a brief overview of the essay’s main points, the body paragraphs elaborating on advantages and disadvantages, and the conclusion summarizing the discussion. However, there are some issues with paragraph structure and cohesion. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas, which could be separated into distinct paragraphs for better clarity and organization. Additionally, the topic sentences of each paragraph could be strengthened to clearly indicate the focus of the upcoming discussion.
- How to improve: Consider breaking down the body paragraphs into smaller, more focused paragraphs, each addressing a single aspect of the argument. Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea to be discussed. This will help improve readability and coherence by allowing readers to easily follow the progression of ideas within the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and improve coherence. Examples include transitional phrases like "while some people argue…others consider," which signal shifts between contrasting viewpoints, and cohesive devices such as "one of the principal advantages" and "another possible drawback," which help guide the reader through the argument. Additionally, pronouns like "this" and "these" are used effectively to refer back to previously mentioned ideas. However, there is room for improvement in the diversity and precision of cohesive devices used.
- How to improve: Try to incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices, including conjunctions (e.g., "however," "furthermore"), transitional phrases (e.g., "in addition," "on the other hand"), and pronouns (e.g., "it," "they") to establish stronger connections between ideas and enhance the overall coherence of the essay. Pay attention to the specificity and relevance of cohesive devices used to ensure they effectively contribute to the clarity and cohesion of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary with some variety in word choice. However, there is room for improvement in terms of utilizing a broader spectrum of vocabulary. For instance, repetitive phrases like "spending hours on smartphone" and "short-sightedness" could be replaced with more diverse language choices to enhance lexical richness.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer can incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. Instead of repeatedly using phrases like "spending hours on smartphone," they could employ alternatives such as "extensive smartphone usage" or "prolonged engagement with smartphones." Additionally, employing more sophisticated vocabulary in discussing advantages and disadvantages would enrich the essay’s lexical diversity.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays some precision in vocabulary usage, but there are instances of imprecise language that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "meet the rising need of people" could be refined for greater precision, and terms like "stimulate their creativity naturely" lack specificity.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should strive for clarity and specificity in their word choice. Rather than using vague phrases like "rising need of people," they could specify the needs smartphones address, such as communication, entertainment, and information access. Additionally, instead of the ambiguous phrase "stimulate their creativity naturely," they could specify how smartphones foster creativity, perhaps by engaging with educational apps or creative content.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally satisfactory, with only a few minor errors observed. However, there are noticeable misspellings such as "abitilies" (abilities) and "proprotion" (proportion) that should be corrected for improved clarity and professionalism.
- How to improve: Employing spell-checking tools and proofreading carefully before submission can help eliminate spelling errors. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises and actively learning common spelling patterns can contribute to improved accuracy. Investing time in reviewing and revising written work for spelling errors is essential to maintaining high linguistic standards.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. Simple and compound sentences are predominantly used throughout, with occasional complex structures. Examples of simple sentences include "The aim of this essay is to discuss the advantages of children using smartphones regularly and analyze the possible disadvantages of this issue." Compound sentences are evident in phrases like "While some people argue that kids spend hours on using their smartphones for positive purposes, others consider that smartphones cause some diseases in children." Complex sentences, though present, are less frequent, such as "As children easily access every website which own numerous entertainment programs in the internet."
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, incorporate more complex sentences. Introduce subordinate clauses, relative clauses, and participial phrases to provide depth and complexity to your writing. For instance, instead of "As children easily access every website which own numerous entertainment programs in the internet," you could write, "Given the ease with which children can access a plethora of websites boasting diverse entertainment programs on the internet, their propensity for relaxation and creative stimulation is significantly heightened."
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits noticeable grammatical errors and inconsistencies. For instance, there are instances of subject-verb agreement issues, such as "the aim of this essay is to discuss the advantages of children using smartphones regularly and analyze the possible disadvantages of this issue." Here, the singular subject "aim" does not agree with the plural verb "are." Additionally, punctuation errors are evident, like missing commas in compound sentences, e.g., "Furthermore, their activities in smartphones stimulate their creativity naturally."
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper punctuation. Proofread your writing carefully, paying special attention to common errors such as subject-verb agreement and comma usage. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to identify and rectify grammatical inaccuracies. Additionally, practice incorporating a variety of punctuation marks effectively to enhance clarity and coherence in your writing. For example, ensure proper comma usage in compound sentences to delineate distinct ideas and facilitate smoother reading comprehension.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, the smartphone stands as one of humanity’s most crucial inventions, meeting the growing needs of individuals for communication, entertainment, and research. While some contend that children spend excessive hours on smartphones for beneficial reasons, others assert that smartphones contribute to various health issues in children. This essay aims to explore the benefits of regular smartphone usage among children and examine the potential drawbacks associated with this phenomenon.

One significant benefit of children spending extended periods on smartphones is the devices’ utility in facilitating relaxation. Children have easy access to a multitude of websites hosting various entertainment programs on the internet. Moreover, engaging in activities on smartphones naturally stimulates their creativity, aiding in the effective development of their abilities.

However, another potential downside of excessive smartphone use is its contribution to health issues, particularly due to prolonged periods of children’s eyes focusing on screens. This results in an increase in the rate of myopia among children. Moreover, children spending numerous hours on smartphones hinders face-to-face communication among peers, which hampers their ability to effectively resolve problems in conversation.

In conclusion, children should allocate time to use smartphones for leisure purposes and to foster creative development, as well as to mitigate health-related risks and reduce social isolation. Finding a balance between smartphone use and other activities is key to ensuring its positive impact on children’s lives.