Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case?
Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.

That children have devoted most of their daily time to mobile devices has been controversial in recent years. There are several primary causes leading to this trend and I firmly believe that the benefits of this trend are outweighed by its drawbacks.

There are a number of reasons for spending long hours on smartphones of kids and teenagers. Firstly, the internet, undeniably, has offered a wide range of entertainment options such as video games, movies and social media platforms. Take, TikTok, for example, has become increasingly popular thanks to its viral short videos that can attract people regardless of genders, interests or ages. Children, therefore, are susceptible to the addiction to the excitement of these videos. Secondly, the demand for instant access to the vast information of every child has become higher. The child can find it convenient to browse a wide range of websites to search for any knowledge they desire.

Despite the advantages of children’s increasing engagement with their cell phones, this tendency has exerted undesirable effects on children’s development. The first drawback is that children are likely to be more vulnerable to physical and mental health problems. Staring at the screen for extended periods can do harm to children by causing eye-related diseases like nearsightedness or eyestrain, and contributing to tension or anxiety. Another disadvantage of this trend lies in the deterioration of soft skills such as communication, teamwork and time management. More time glued to smartphones may deprive kids and teens of valuable hours to enhance their important skills. Excessive screen time, for instance, may hinder the development of teamwork skills, making young children find it challenging to collaborate effectively in group activities.

In conclusion, children’s screen time has been attributed to the diverse forms of entertainment on the internet and the growing demand for easy access to information. I would argue that this trend may not only pose threats to children’s health physically and mentally, but also worsen their personal and social skills.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "That children have devoted most of their daily time to mobile devices has been controversial in recent years." -> "The fact that children devote a significant portion of their daily time to mobile devices has sparked controversy in recent years."
   Explanation: The original sentence lacks precision and formal clarity. Replacing "most of their daily time" with "a significant portion of their daily time" adds specificity, while rephrasing to "sparked controversy" enhances the formality of the statement.

2. "There are several primary causes leading to this trend and I firmly believe that the benefits of this trend are outweighed by its drawbacks." -> "Several primary factors contribute to this trend, and I am convinced that its drawbacks outweigh the benefits."
   Explanation: The original sentence is somewhat repetitive and lacks conciseness. Replacing "causes leading to this trend" with "factors contribute to this trend" provides a clearer description. Additionally, "I firmly believe" can be replaced with "I am convinced," which is more formal, and reversing the order of "benefits" and "drawbacks" clarifies the author’s stance.

3. "There are a number of reasons for spending long hours on smartphones of kids and teenagers." -> "Several reasons contribute to children and teenagers spending extended periods on smartphones."
   Explanation: The original sentence is overly wordy and lacks precision. By simplifying the sentence structure and using "contribute to" instead of "for," the sentence becomes more concise and clearer in conveying the idea.

4. "Firstly, the internet, undeniably, has offered a wide range of entertainment options such as video games, movies and social media platforms." -> "Firstly, the internet has undeniably provided a wide array of entertainment options, including video games, movies, and social media platforms."
   Explanation: While the original sentence conveys the idea, it can be improved by removing redundant words and phrases. "Undeniably" and "Firstly" can be merged into a single introductory phrase, and the list of entertainment options can be streamlined for clarity and formality.

5. "Take, TikTok, for example, has become increasingly popular thanks to its viral short videos that can attract people regardless of genders, interests or ages." -> "For example, TikTok has gained increasing popularity due to its viral short videos, which appeal to individuals of all genders, interests, and ages."
   Explanation: The original sentence is somewhat awkwardly structured and lacks formal precision. By rephrasing and simplifying the sentence, it becomes clearer and more academically appropriate.

6. "Children, therefore, are susceptible to the addiction to the excitement of these videos." -> "Children, therefore, are susceptible to becoming addicted to the excitement of these videos."
   Explanation: The original sentence contains an awkward phrasing ("addiction to the excitement"), which can be clarified by restructuring the sentence to make it more concise and precise.

7. "Secondly, the demand for instant access to the vast information of every child has become higher." -> "Secondly, there is a growing demand for instant access to vast amounts of information among children."
   Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and contains awkward phrasing. By simplifying and restructuring the sentence, it becomes more concise and easier to understand.

8. "Despite the advantages of children’s increasing engagement with their cell phones…" -> "Despite the benefits of children’s growing engagement with their cell phones…"
   Explanation: "Advantages" can be replaced with "benefits" for clarity and formality, and "increasing" can be replaced with "growing" for smoother flow.

9. "The first drawback is that children are likely to be more vulnerable to physical and mental health problems." -> "The primary drawback is that children are more susceptible to physical and mental health issues."
   Explanation: "First" can be replaced with "primary" for clarity and formality, and "likely to be" can be replaced with "more susceptible to" for conciseness and precision.

10. "Staring at the screen for extended periods can do harm to children by causing eye-related diseases like nearsightedness or eyestrain, and contributing to tension or anxiety." -> "Extended screen time can harm children by causing eye-related conditions such as nearsightedness or eyestrain, as well as contributing to tension and anxiety."
    Explanation: The original sentence is somewhat awkwardly structured. By rephrasing and simplifying, it becomes clearer and more concise.

11. "Another disadvantage of this trend lies in the deterioration of soft skills such as communication, teamwork and time management." -> "Another downside of this trend is the decline in soft skills such as communication, teamwork, and time management."
    Explanation: "Disadvantage" can be replaced with "downside" for variety, and listing the soft skills in a parallel structure enhances clarity and formality.

12. "More time glued to smartphones may deprive kids and teens of valuable hours to enhance their important skills." -> "Spending more time glued to smartphones may deprive children and teenagers of valuable opportunities to develop essential skills."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality, while replacing "kids and teens" with "children and teenagers" for consistency.

13. "Excessive screen time, for instance, may hinder the development of teamwork skills, making young children find it challenging to collaborate effectively in group activities." -> "For example, excessive screen time may hinder the development of teamwork skills, making it challenging for young children to collaborate effectively in group activities."
    Explanation: Rephrasing for clarity and consistency, and removing redundancy ("making young children find it challenging").

14. "In conclusion, children’s screen time has been attributed to the diverse forms of entertainment on the internet and the growing demand for easy access to information." -> "In conclusion, children’s screen time can be attributed to the diverse forms of entertainment available on the internet and the increasing demand for easy access to information."
    Explanation: "Has been attributed to" can be replaced with "can be attributed to" for clarity and formality, while "the growing demand" can be replaced with "increasing demand" for smoother flow.

15. "I would argue that this trend may not only pose threats to children’s health physically and mentally, but also worsen their personal and social skills." -> "I argue that this trend not only poses physical and mental health threats to children but also undermines their personal and social skills."
    Explanation: Removing "would" for a more assertive tone, and restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all aspects of the prompt. It discusses the reasons why children spend extensive time on smartphones, highlighting entertainment options and easy access to information. Additionally, it presents a clear stance on whether this trend is positive or negative, supporting it with reasons and examples.
  • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, ensure that each point made is directly tied back to the prompt. Providing specific examples of how smartphone usage affects children’s daily lives could strengthen the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position throughout, arguing that the drawbacks of children spending excessive time on smartphones outweigh the benefits. This stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion.
  • How to improve: To further improve clarity, explicitly state the position in the introduction to set a clear direction for the essay. Additionally, reiterate the position in the conclusion to reinforce the argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas with relevant examples, such as the mention of TikTok and the impact on children’s health and soft skills. However, some ideas could be further elaborated to provide deeper insight.
  • How to improve: To extend ideas, provide more detailed explanations or additional examples to support each point. This can help strengthen the argument and provide a more comprehensive analysis of the topic.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay stays on topic by addressing why children spend time on smartphones and whether this trend is positive or negative. However, there are instances where the discussion could be more focused, such as elaborating further on the specific effects of smartphone usage on children.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the main topic and avoids unnecessary tangents. Additionally, provide more detailed analysis of the topic to demonstrate a thorough understanding of the issue at hand.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the prompt and effectively presents arguments with relevant examples. To improve, focus on providing more detailed explanations, reinforcing the clear stance throughout the essay, and staying closely aligned with the main topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear and logical organization of information. Each paragraph is dedicated to a specific aspect of the topic, beginning with an introduction that outlines the issue and the writer’s stance, followed by two body paragraphs that delve into the causes and effects of children spending time on smartphones, and concluding with a succinct summary of the argument. Transitions between paragraphs are smooth, guiding the reader seamlessly through the progression of ideas.
  • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider refining the transitions within paragraphs to ensure coherence at the sentence level. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph maintains a singular focus on its respective topic to avoid any potential confusion for the reader.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes paragraphs to structure the discussion. Each paragraph addresses a distinct aspect of the topic, with clear topic sentences that introduce the main idea. The body paragraphs provide detailed explanations and examples to support the arguments presented, while the conclusion succinctly summarizes the key points without introducing new information.
  • How to improve: While the essay generally employs effective paragraphing, some paragraphs could benefit from further development and elaboration of ideas. Consider expanding on certain points to provide more depth and clarity to the argument, particularly in the body paragraphs where additional examples or evidence could strengthen the analysis.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and maintain coherence throughout. Examples include transitional phrases like "firstly," "secondly," and "in conclusion," which help signal the organization of the essay and guide the reader through the argumentative structure. Additionally, cohesive devices such as pronouns ("this tendency," "this trend") and repetition ("children," "smartphones") reinforce key concepts and maintain coherence within and between paragraphs.
  • How to improve: While the essay effectively incorporates cohesive devices, consider diversifying the range of connectors and transitional phrases to add nuance and sophistication to the writing. This can include using a wider array of linking words and phrases to establish relationships between ideas, such as causal connectors ("as a result," "therefore") and contrastive connectors ("however," "on the other hand"). By incorporating a broader repertoire of cohesive devices, the essay can further enhance its coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of vocabulary throughout. Phrases such as "devoted most of their daily time," "controversial in recent years," "undeniably," "exerted undesirable effects," and "attracted to the excitement" showcase the writer’s ability to utilize a diverse range of lexical items. However, there is room for enhancement in terms of incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary to elevate the lexical richness further.
  • How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, consider integrating more advanced vocabulary and idiomatic expressions where appropriate. For instance, instead of "devoted most of their daily time," you could use "dedicate a substantial portion of their daily lives," or replace "exerted undesirable effects" with "exacerbated adverse outcomes." Additionally, incorporating domain-specific terminology related to child psychology or technology could enrich the vocabulary further.
• Use Vocabulary Precisely:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with reasonable precision. For example, phrases like "vulnerable to physical and mental health problems" and "deterioration of soft skills" effectively convey the intended meanings. However, there are instances where more precise word choices could enhance clarity and impact.
  • How to improve: To refine vocabulary precision, pay close attention to the specificity of terms used. For instance, instead of the general term "physical and mental health problems," you could specify the particular ailments such as "ocular strain" or "psychological distress." Similarly, instead of "deterioration of soft skills," consider using more precise terms like "erosion of interpersonal abilities" or "diminution of collaborative aptitudes."
• Use Correct Spelling:
  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally sound level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances of minor errors, such as "staring" being spelled as "starring" and "the" mistakenly written as "they" in "to search for any knowledge they desire." Nonetheless, these errors do not significantly detract from the overall coherence and readability of the essay.
  • How to improve: To further enhance spelling accuracy, consider proofreading the essay carefully to catch and rectify any spelling errors before submission. Utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools could also be beneficial in identifying and correcting such minor mistakes. Additionally, cultivating a habit of revising written work systematically can contribute to improving spelling proficiency over time.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, incorporating complex and compound sentences alongside simpler ones. For instance, it employs complex sentences such as "There are several primary causes leading to this trend," compound sentences like "The first drawback is that children are likely to be more vulnerable to physical and mental health problems," and also utilizes interrogative sentences like "Why is this the case?" This diversity enhances readability and engagement.
  • How to improve: While the essay exhibits a good range of structures, further incorporation of complex structures like conditional sentences or parallelism could elevate the sophistication of expression. For instance, integrating conditional sentences could introduce hypothetical scenarios, enriching the argumentation. Additionally, varying the lengths of sentences can add rhythm and flow to the essay, making it more captivating for the reader.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors observed. For instance, a missing article in "the vast information of every child" and a lack of parallelism in "Staring at the screen for extended periods can do harm to children by causing eye-related diseases like nearsightedness or eyestrain, and contributing to tension or anxiety" are noticeable. However, these errors do not significantly impede comprehension.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, a thorough proofreading focusing on articles, subject-verb agreement, and parallel structure can rectify these minor errors. Additionally, paying attention to sentence structure complexity can aid in avoiding run-on sentences or fragments, ensuring clarity and coherence throughout the essay. Furthermore, the use of punctuation marks, such as commas and semicolons, to delineate clauses and phrases more effectively can refine the essay’s readability and organization.

Bài sửa mẫu

The fact that children spend a considerable amount of time on their smartphones has sparked controversy in recent years. Several primary factors contribute to this trend, and I am convinced that its drawbacks outweigh the benefits.

Several reasons contribute to children and teenagers spending extended periods on smartphones. Firstly, the internet has undeniably provided a wide array of entertainment options, including video games, movies, and social media platforms. For example, TikTok has gained increasing popularity due to its viral short videos, which appeal to individuals of all genders, interests, and ages. Children, therefore, are susceptible to becoming addicted to the excitement of these videos.

Secondly, there is a growing demand for instant access to vast amounts of information among children. Despite the benefits of children’s growing engagement with their cell phones, the primary drawback is that children are more susceptible to physical and mental health issues. Extended screen time can harm children by causing eye-related conditions such as nearsightedness or eyestrain, as well as contributing to tension and anxiety.

Another downside of this trend is the decline in soft skills such as communication, teamwork, and time management. Spending more time glued to smartphones may deprive children and teenagers of valuable opportunities to develop essential skills. For example, excessive screen time may hinder the development of teamwork skills, making it challenging for young children to collaborate effectively in group activities.

In conclusion, children’s screen time can be attributed to the diverse forms of entertainment available on the internet and the increasing demand for easy access to information. I argue that this trend not only poses physical and mental health threats to children but also undermines their personal and social skills.