Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones

Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

Nowadays, with the high-speed development of the internet, more and more youngsters can have more chances to get access to networks by using their advanced gadgets such as smartphones, and tablets. Although these gadgets can help them to connect with their relatives, teachers, and friends, however, most of their leisure time, kids tend to be addicted to online applications like social media. Undeniably, our daily lives have been modified by these modern technologies a lot, kids wasting too much time on their smartphones is adverse and should be aware by their relatives.

Initially, tending to smartphones would cause youngsters to have a lack of interaction and bonds between themselves and their family members. For instance, kids use their phones at dinnertime instead of communicating with their parents. Kids' upbringing is formed by the memories they get with people around them but mostly is with their family. Therefore, squandering on mobile phones can lead children to lose their childhood.

In addition, youngsters are not likely to have foreknowledge and awareness about social media threats such as cyberbullying and do not know how to deter and figure out these risks and online criminals. Online risks can trigger psychological issues and affect the mental health of youngsters.

To sum it up, squandering on smartphones is adverse for youngsters. Parents and guardians must monitor their kids’ phones and ensure that they effectively use their phones.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Nowadays" -> "Currently"
   Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "Nowadays."

2. "more and more youngsters" -> "an increasing number of young people"
   Explanation: "An increasing number of young people" is more formal and avoids the repetitive and informal phrasing of "more and more youngsters."

3. "can have more chances" -> "have more opportunities"
   Explanation: "Have more opportunities" is a more formal and precise expression than "can have more chances," which is somewhat vague and informal.

4. "get access to networks" -> "access networks"
   Explanation: Simplifying "get access to networks" to "access networks" maintains the same meaning while enhancing the formality and conciseness of the sentence.

5. "kids tend to be addicted" -> "children often become addicted"
   Explanation: "Children often become addicted" uses more formal language and avoids the colloquial "kids," which is not appropriate for academic writing.

6. "kids wasting too much time" -> "children spending excessive time"
   Explanation: "Spending excessive time" is a more formal and precise way to describe the excessive use of time, replacing the informal "wasting too much time."

7. "should be aware by their relatives" -> "should be monitored by their relatives"
   Explanation: "Should be monitored by their relatives" is a more precise and formal way to express the need for supervision, replacing the awkward and incorrect "should be aware by."

8. "tending to smartphones" -> "using smartphones excessively"
   Explanation: "Using smartphones excessively" is a clearer and more formal way to describe the excessive use of smartphones, replacing the vague and informal "tending to smartphones."

9. "kids use their phones at dinnertime" -> "children use their phones during meals"
   Explanation: "During meals" is a more formal and inclusive term than "at dinnertime," which is specific to one meal and less formal.

10. "kids’ upbringing is formed" -> "children’s upbringing is shaped"
    Explanation: "Is shaped" is a more precise and formal verb choice than "is formed," which is less commonly used in this context.

11. "mostly is with their family" -> "primarily with their family"
    Explanation: "Primarily" is a more formal adverb than "mostly," enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

12. "squandering on mobile phones" -> "excessive use of mobile phones"
    Explanation: "Excessive use of mobile phones" is a more formal and precise phrase than the colloquial "squandering on."

13. "not likely to have foreknowledge" -> "unlikely to be aware of"
    Explanation: "Unlikely to be aware of" is a more formal and academically appropriate expression than "not likely to have foreknowledge," which is awkward and less commonly used.

14. "do not know how to deter and figure out these risks" -> "are unaware of how to mitigate and address these risks"
    Explanation: "Are unaware of how to mitigate and address these risks" uses more precise and formal vocabulary suitable for academic writing, replacing the less formal "do not know how to deter and figure out."

15. "online criminals" -> "cybercriminals"
    Explanation: "Cybercriminals" is a more specific and formal term than "online criminals," which is vague and less precise.

16. "squandering on smartphones" -> "excessive use of smartphones"
    Explanation: As mentioned earlier, "excessive use of smartphones" is a more formal and precise phrase than "squandering on smartphones."

17. "must monitor their kids’ phones" -> "should monitor their children’s phone use"
    Explanation: "Should monitor their children’s phone use" is a more formal and appropriate way to express the responsibility of parents, replacing the informal "must monitor their kids’ phones."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt: it discusses why children spend hours on their smartphones (access to social media and lack of family interaction) and presents a negative view of this trend. However, the explanation of why this behavior occurs is somewhat superficial and lacks depth. The reasons provided are not fully explored or supported with examples, which weakens the overall argument.
  • How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the writer should elaborate on the reasons why children are drawn to smartphones. This could include discussing the allure of gaming, the role of peer pressure, or the impact of educational apps. Additionally, the writer should present a balanced view by acknowledging any potential positives of smartphone use before concluding with a clear stance.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear negative position regarding the impact of smartphones on children. However, the transition between discussing the reasons for smartphone use and the negative consequences could be smoother. The use of phrases like "squandering on mobile phones" could be more consistently framed within the context of the overall argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should use topic sentences that directly relate back to the thesis statement in each paragraph. This will help reinforce the main argument and ensure that each point made is clearly linked to the overall stance on the issue.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas, such as the lack of family interaction and the risks of social media, but these ideas are not fully developed. For instance, while the mention of cyberbullying is relevant, it lacks specific examples or statistics that could strengthen the argument. The ideas are somewhat repetitive and do not extend into deeper analysis.
  • How to improve: To effectively present, elaborate, and substantiate ideas, the writer should include specific examples, anecdotes, or data that illustrate the points being made. For instance, discussing a specific case of cyberbullying or providing statistics on screen time could enhance the argument. Additionally, exploring counterarguments and then refuting them could provide a more nuanced discussion.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the negative effects of smartphone use among children. However, there are moments where the argument could be more tightly focused. For example, the mention of "losing childhood" is vague and could be better articulated to clarify how smartphone use specifically contributes to this loss.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance to the topic, the writer should ensure that each point made directly relates back to the prompt. Avoiding vague statements and instead providing clear, specific examples will help keep the essay aligned with the topic. Additionally, using clear transitions between points can help maintain the flow of the argument.

Overall, the essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic but requires more depth, clarity, and support to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the negative impacts of excessive smartphone usage among children. The introduction effectively sets the context, and the body paragraphs logically follow, addressing specific issues such as lack of family interaction and awareness of online risks. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing family interaction to online risks feels abrupt, lacking a clear linking sentence that connects these two points.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that guide the reader through the argument. For example, after discussing family interactions, a sentence like "In addition to these familial impacts, there are also significant dangers associated with online interactions" could help bridge the two ideas more effectively.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first paragraph introduces the topic, while the subsequent paragraphs delve into specific issues. However, the first paragraph could be more concise, as it contains some redundancy, particularly in the phrases "more chances to get access to networks" and "advanced gadgets such as smartphones, and tablets."
  • How to improve: Aim for clearer and more concise topic sentences that directly state the main idea of each paragraph. For instance, the first paragraph could be streamlined to focus solely on the rise of smartphone usage without excessive detail about the gadgets themselves. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a strong topic sentence that encapsulates the main point.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "for instance" and "in addition," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the use of conjunctions could enhance clarity. For example, the use of "however" in the introduction is misplaced, as it disrupts the flow of the sentence rather than providing contrast.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "moreover," and "consequently." Additionally, ensure that conjunctions are used appropriately to maintain the flow of sentences. For example, instead of saying, "Although these gadgets can help them to connect with their relatives, teachers, and friends, however, most of their leisure time," consider rephrasing to "While these gadgets can facilitate connections with relatives, teachers, and friends, many children tend to spend most of their leisure time…"

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially improving the overall band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "high-speed development," "advanced gadgets," and "cyberbullying." However, there are instances of repetition, particularly with words like "kids" and "youngsters," which could be varied further to enhance the lexical diversity. For example, using synonyms such as "children," "youth," or "adolescents" could improve the range.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary variety, the writer should actively seek synonyms and related terms. Keeping a thesaurus handy while drafting could help in identifying alternative words. Additionally, practicing with vocabulary exercises that focus on synonyms and antonyms can be beneficial.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay includes relevant vocabulary, some phrases are used imprecisely. For instance, the phrase "should be aware by their relatives" is awkward and unclear; it would be more precise to say "should be monitored by their relatives." Additionally, the phrase "squandering on mobile phones" is not commonly used; "spending excessive time on mobile phones" would convey the intended meaning more clearly.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity in expression. Reviewing phrases for common usage and ensuring that they convey the intended meaning accurately is crucial. Reading more academic or formal texts can help familiarize the writer with precise vocabulary usage.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "adverse" used inappropriately in the context of "squandering on smartphones is adverse" (which should be "adverse for youngsters"). Additionally, "foreknowledge" is a less common term that may confuse readers. While the overall spelling is generally accurate, these errors indicate a need for careful proofreading.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy that includes reading the essay aloud to catch errors. Utilizing spell-check tools and practicing spelling through writing exercises can also help. Furthermore, familiarizing oneself with commonly misspelled words can improve overall spelling skills.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and employs a reasonable range of vocabulary, there are areas for improvement in vocabulary variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. By actively expanding vocabulary, focusing on clarity, and implementing effective proofreading strategies, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases like "Although these gadgets can help them to connect with their relatives, teachers, and friends, however, most of their leisure time, kids tend to be addicted to online applications like social media." However, there are instances of repetitive structures, such as starting multiple sentences with "kids" or "youngsters," which can make the writing feel monotonous. The use of phrases like "squandering on mobile phones" and "tending to smartphones" shows some attempt at varied vocabulary, but the overall sentence construction could be more diverse.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more compound and complex sentences, as well as varying the subject of sentences. For example, instead of repeatedly using "kids" or "youngsters," the writer could use synonyms or rephrase sentences to start with different subjects. Additionally, integrating transitional phrases can help in creating smoother connections between ideas, which would also contribute to a more sophisticated sentence structure.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay has several grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors that detract from its clarity. For instance, the phrase "should be aware by their relatives" is awkward and should be revised to "should be made aware by their relatives." The use of commas is inconsistent; for example, in the sentence "Although these gadgets can help them to connect with their relatives, teachers, and friends, however, most of their leisure time, kids tend to be addicted to online applications like social media," the word "however" is incorrectly used with a comma before it, creating confusion. Additionally, the phrase "kids wasting too much time on their smartphones is adverse" lacks a clear subject-verb agreement and could be rephrased for clarity.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the proper use of conjunctions. Reviewing the rules for comma usage, especially in complex sentences, would also be beneficial. A thorough proofreading process can help catch awkward phrases and grammatical errors. Using grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also assist in identifying and correcting these issues before finalizing the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will enhance the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Nowadays, with the high-speed development of the internet, an increasing number of youngsters have more opportunities to access networks by using their advanced gadgets such as smartphones and tablets. Although these gadgets can help them connect with their relatives, teachers, and friends, most of their leisure time is often spent on online applications like social media. Undeniably, our daily lives have been modified a lot by these modern technologies, and kids wasting too much time on their smartphones is adverse and should be monitored by their relatives.

Initially, excessive use of smartphones can cause youngsters to have a lack of interaction and bonds between themselves and their family members. For instance, children often use their phones at dinnertime instead of communicating with their parents. Children’s upbringing is shaped by the memories they create with people around them, but primarily with their family. Therefore, spending excessive time on mobile phones can lead children to lose their childhood.

In addition, youngsters are unlikely to be aware of social media threats such as cyberbullying and are unaware of how to mitigate and address these risks and online criminals. Online risks can trigger psychological issues and affect the mental health of youngsters.

To sum it up, excessive use of smartphones is negative for youngsters. Parents and guardians should monitor their children’s phone use and ensure that they use their phones effectively.